I had a dream last night that I cannot stop thinking about this morning. The short version is that Coach bet on the Badgers with some friends and the windfall they were awarded was 3 million dollars. That was pretty exciting and although I was sworn to secrecy, I naturally wanted to tell my Mom. I went searching for her even while knowing she was dead as if money could bring her back. Desperately I went door to door never to find her. It was just another in a string of sad realizations.
It made me think, I tell you. I am not so silly as to believe that what I dream about other people represents some sort of veiled or occult truth about them, but neither am I so stupid as to reject the fact that is represents some occult truth about me.I finally finished Angle of Repose, but I still have Stegner's words roaming around my mind. I think it's rather obvious what truth my dreams reveal. Four and a half years later and my grief can still present itself in such a raw, heart wrenching state.
I think about Wilma reassuring Miss Bit that she is sensitive, and sensitive is good. Some people feel things more than others she explains, but we can only do our best. We cannot fix or heal the world. That is the pitfall of empaths. And it's hitting me how much I too need to hear these words. We only have power over our own thoughts and feelings. This very cognition...these very emotions control our actions, and only our actions. It all sounds so simple, yet I can assure you...really it's not.