Saturday, March 23, 2013

Rude Awakenings

I may have been up before the birds this morning thanks to my boys.  Tigger was relentless.  I'm used to him climbing all over me like he's a mountain goat and I'm a cliff he must master, but I cannot ignore him when he sits on my face and starts eating my hair.  I'm not so able to tune out Peanut either when he gets to caterwauling around my bed.  He sounds so desperate and in dire need.  So I succumbed once again to my little furry masters who wanted their bowls filled and more than anything their daily tuna treat.  After they were obliged, I looked in on Big Ben (BB).  He was hard to spot as he was not his usual Kermit green, but rather the same mottled brown of the stick he was resting on.  That's likely equal parts camouflage and cold.  I turned on his heat lamp and immediately he started to green up.  The heat kicked in and the sun started to rise just as I sat down with my first cup of coffee.  It may be spring break, but winter is hanging on here a little longer. The sun is melting much of the snow, but more is in the forecast for next week.  As much as I am prone to resist seasonal change, even I lamented the cold temps last night when Jess joined me for end of week wine.  I mused that this same time last year we were likely adjourning to the patio instead of the living room.

I had a dream last night that I cannot stop thinking about this morning.  The short version is that Coach bet on the Badgers with some friends and the windfall they were awarded was 3 million dollars.  That was pretty exciting and although I was sworn to secrecy, I naturally wanted to tell my Mom. I went searching for her even while knowing she was dead as if money could bring her back.  Desperately I went door to door never to find her.  It was just another in a string of sad realizations.
It made me think, I tell you.  I am not so silly as to believe that what I dream about other people represents some sort of veiled or occult truth about them, but neither am I so stupid as to reject the fact that is represents some occult truth about me.
I finally finished Angle of Repose, but I still have Stegner's words roaming around my mind.  I think it's rather obvious what truth my dreams reveal. Four and a half years later and my grief can still present itself in such a raw, heart wrenching state.

I think about Wilma reassuring Miss Bit that she is sensitive, and sensitive is good.  Some people feel things more than others she explains, but we can only do our best.  We cannot fix or heal the world.  That is the pitfall of empaths.  And it's hitting me how much I too need to hear these words.  We only have power over our own thoughts and feelings.  This very cognition...these very emotions control our actions, and only our actions.  It all sounds so simple, yet I can assure you...really it's not.