Thursday, April 24, 2014

Trust in Time

I was reminded of a rather humbling lesson today.

It's been a rough day couple of days.  Days that made me want to hide from the sun shining on the ever warming world.   The kind of days that take extra effort to get through and render usual comforts chores.  Things like reading, fresh air hikes, and cooking, which are almost never arduous.  I finished a book, I walked many miles, and I made use of my ham bone for soup, yet still I felt burden not relief.

There are reasons for the malaise. Identifiable causes, but right now they seem so much smaller and less significant, which means there were reasons.  Already on the verge of past tense.  There will always be reasons...worries and wrongs to wallow in and that weigh upon.  I know this so the agitator is in mismanaging my reactions.  Mostly my overreactions.  Ala the only person I can control and/or change is myself.

And yet to know this truth and accept its responsibility, doesn't always make its implementation possible or likely.  Sometimes it takes some time so all bouts of self lamentation and every internal pep talk only make me feel more hopeless and heavy.  Time, it heals. Trite, but also true.

This morning I woke up recognizing all of yesterday's gifts.  Favors that just the day before I wasn't ready to honor.  My heart was too head to hazy to accept them.  I was off center, akimbo and out of balance.  This morning I felt so much more myself as I pulled out of the driveway and chanted my daily nod to Prufrock:

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question. . .
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go

Talking of Michelangelo.

Miss Bit always gives me a you're so strange mom sideways glance when I  recite the opening stanza.  I think I may even do it to annoy her now, but today the words I rotely utter made me excited to read Eliot's monologue again in entirety.  I haven't read it through since college.  I was excited because Hazel quoted the same part of Prufrock for Augustus.  That small text to world connection woke me up to so many thoughts and feelings I have today with regard to a book that yesterday I was numb to as I read the last page.  This morning I edited the photo I almost didn't bother to take during yesterday's walk. Today I appreciate my capture of two hawks hawking.  The batch of soup I didn't think I put much love into yesterday, proves itself forgiving today as I enjoyed a bowl.

Today I'm remembering what a difference a day (or two) can make.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Post Break Blues

Miss Bit painted this yesterday.
She's into quotes and painting...she's into painting quotes.
Be still my heart.
We were painting because a front came through mid day turning temperatures cooler and bringing a little spring rain.
That was right after I'd opened every single window in the house to let in the warm, fresh air and suggested a hike.
She was already on the down yo...feeling sad that we were able to measure vacation left in hours not days.
we didn't go anywhere over the break, but we still enjoyed a change of pace and plenty of fun outings.
It was sort of a hectic week trying to get in my hours at work, keep them entertained and ready the house for an Easter gathering.
Now I'm on a bit of a down yo myself.

She couldn't sleep last night.
I couldn't sleep enough.
I struggled to get out of bed to get the day started.
Yet this morning she rose quickly and was cheerful.
I guess my pep talk with regard to a short week ahead and only 36 school days until summer vacation made an impact.
The countdown is on.
And it's true...Even if your best moments r gone, there's always more to come!

P.S. I add the comma.

Monday, April 21, 2014

2 day pass

the easter bunny came.
He was risen.
family gathered.
warm weather graced us.
it was all things spring, rebirth, renewal.

the bunny left baskets of goodies edible and other.
He brought joy and hope.
family came bearing casseroles, cakes, champs, flowers and more baskets.
mother nature delivered a much welcome spring to our steps.
it was a day of goodies and goodness.

we gathered on the patio and in the yard.
the kids found eggs, ate too much candy and quickly ditched their easter duds for shorts and flip flops.
the cats eyed us with envy from every open window.
and at the end of the day we were warm and full in both body and spirit.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Monday, April 14, 2014

2 day pass

there's only one thing I love more than a rainy day.
it's a rainy couple of days aka a rainy weekend.
stormy skies give permission to curl up with a book, or around the table for a game, or in the kitchen cooking while nina simone sings.
grey days are an invitation to sleep a little longer or maybe even all day.
no I didn't, but I would have if i could have.
rainy days are three coffee days with extra cream.
they are slow, deliberate, delicious.
coach managed to grill the first burgers of the season in between rounds of thunder and lightning.
and then we played a long overdue game of telestrations, which we've been talking about since it arrived with santa.
we celebrated palm sunday at church.
the passion always stirs me.
miss bit and i enjoyed a local high school's rendition of into the woods on sunday afternoon.
i saw it many moons ago on broadway, and it was but a distant memory.
we enjoyed all 3 hours of it even though we got caught in a late afternoon storm.
we hopscotched through puddles arm and arm giggling all the way to the car and i wanted to hit pause.
you know those moments...right?
yea we were wet, but content and together.
all the way home we made more plans as we drove straight through the city.
there are many more spring musicals to view and churches to attend.
coach and i had a backgammon tournament before sunday dinner.
he won, but i should have.
the dice gods were not on my side.
they almost never are when he is my opponent.
dinner was shredded turkey with gravy.
rainy days also are perfect for hearty crockpot dinners.
coach, tigger and I were the first to crawl into bed.
not surprising since we parents don't have spring break this week.
this morning miss bit was up at her usual time.
rumor has it that t. bone slept until noon.
snow is falling as forecasted.
i think we're all secretly wishing we were headed south.
yet i'm grateful to be staying home to celebrate easter in our church with our loved ones on sunday.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dear Sylvia,


You've been on my mind.  I've been mulling over something you said.  I have this little fantasy that we could sit side by side over coffee or wine and have a heart to heart.  Honestly you said and wrote many things that give me pause, but what brought me here today is this sentiment.... God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts.  It seems lately I'm either The Little Engine That Could or Oblomov, and sometimes that changes by the hour.  I know you also struggled to have strength and faith when filled with fear and uncertainty.  I have admired your spirit in spite of your demons, or perhaps, because of them.   We all have them.  Although usually we don't talk about them unfiltered.  You were bloody honest and sharply blunt about the harshness of life, and your life was harsh.  Life is harsh period.  Yet I sense that you also knew its beauty even if the darkness eventually prevailed.   Life is beautiful period.  While I feel like kindred spirits in a sense let's be clear, I only stick my head in ovens when I'm baking.  But the thing is that I am interested in finding answers to the questions that haunted you.  Questions like how to be. here. now?  And who am I?  And how can I make myself understood?  Fulfilled?  Free?  And what is the way out of the mind?  In the Bell Jar you wrote, I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am. 

I am Sylvia.

Sadly, you were.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

2 day pass

we had our first taste of spring this weekend.
we took advantage of the warmer temperatures and the sunshine as much as possible.
t. bone had lots of baseball practice, the ice finally melted on the basketball court so he could shoot some march madness inspired hoops, and he decided to use the house as a backboard in preparation for tennis team tryouts today.
miss bit put on her glove and warmed up her bat.
her arm got stronger over the long winter.
now i'm the only one who throws like a girl.
miss bit invited a friend along for the much anticipated owl show at the nature preserve saturday afternoon.
it was a treat to see all six of their owls on one stage.
i am especially fanatic over the saw whet and snowy owls.
the girls were the owl paparazzi snapping away frantically for the duration.
i took them for ice cream after the presentation and they enjoyed their double scoops.
enjoyed them so much they were covered in chocolate and cream.
i told them never to order cones like that on a date...
unless they want it to be a last date.
they chuckled at the mention of boys not yet able to conceive of a time they won't be hanging out just together.
coach went to madison to watch the badgers in their home city.
the kids and i went up the block to watch with neighbors.
miss bit was the only girl and is not much of a basketball fan.
when we got home, i thanked her knowing it was not the most exciting party for her.
she said, "it's fine.  ya know sometimes you've gotta take one for the family."
see why i cannot resist her?
i think we were taking one for t. bone because he didn't want to be stuck watching it alone with the girls.
i was looking forward to a quiet night at home truth be told.
after the disappointing loss, we came home and went to bed straight away.
sunday was a bright and shiny new day.
we listened to the story of lazarus in church.
at one point, miss bit pulled me close enough to whisper, "this is really interesting."
then again to confess that she didn't feel so good.
i guess leftover badger cupcakes for breakfast don't agree with her.
while they attended sunday school, i shopped first at my favorite italian bakery and then deli for fixings for dinner.
coach was already home when we returned so we headed out for a walk.
we were surprised to see caterpillars crossing the path.
if the rain comes this week, the world around us will green up quick.
it was a treat to turn off the heat and throw open the patio doors.
the boys sat at attention all afternoon watching chippies and birds and kids.
hopefully the $300+ energy bill i opened saturday, will be the last of that magnitude for a long while.
it's time to deflannel the beds and stash the wool.
we gathered as we always do for sunday dinner.
my meatball subs are a family favorite especially on sciortino rolls with glorioso's sauce.
t. bone ate all of his and 1/2 of mine.
coach, miss bit, tigger and i ended up in bed reading soon after dinner.
it was early to bed in anticipation of our busy week ahead.
another well spent weekend tucked back behind us.