Monday, February 4, 2013
On My Mind Monday
What is on my mind is something that has weighed heavily on me all weekend. It's the kind of stuff that makes me feel fragile, and because it doesn't exclusively involve me, I have to be vague and a bit elusive when expressing here. So why write about it at all? I want to write here to remind myself that what I am going through with the changes in this relationship is very similar to the stages of grief. And that makes sense because I am mourning the loss of the relationship we once had. I vacillate between anger, guilt, sadness and acceptance. I was feeling empowered recently because I was taking responsibility for my feelings and needs...finally admitting that they are the only ones I have any control over. I was speaking up and setting boundaries that have never been in play before. And then this weekend my bubble burst when I felt so pained by what little hope I feel that this will ever improve. I realized I still had hope. I still care. So I'm low. Bluer than blue. I don't know if I'll do anything about this. I don't know what I would do. So my mind and heart are heavy as I wade through this muck and mire. I'm working on the reconciliation of my feelings with the facts as I know them so that I can let go of this burden one way or another. I want to move forward with peace in my heart that I am doing what's best for my family.