Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Mid-Life Crisis

This morning I woke up thinking about work. Today is my day off and usually that's not a problem. I'm not thinking about looming deadlines or unfinished projects. I'm thinking about how I don't look forward to going back to the office in 24 hours. I can't say that I usually wake up and say "Oh goodie, I get to go to work today!"  But I can say that I've never dreaded it. My true passions are not necessarily tapped into at work. That's never been a problem because I have a decent home work life balance.

This balance was not my choice initially and it's come at a cost. Sixteen years ago at the time of the birth of my son, assets were down, performance (over which I had zero control of) was down and I was asked to cut my hours for the good of the company. The company I'd already worked for for about a decade as low hanging fruit on the profitable tree. I agreed. I had a new baby at home and that was quite a draw. Some things are worth more than money. At least to me.

I agreed to a subsequent request to further reduce my hours again for the good of the company some time after the birth of my daughter. Again, it was good for my family although this time it was a little more painful as I became ineligible for health insurance and profit sharing. I reasoned that these are the years with my children I could never get back, and we signed up for health care through my husband's work. It was a lesser plan, but we were healthy.

Fast forward about a decade and my hours are increased at the request of the company. I'm not full-time, but I'm also not busy all the time through no fault of my own. I've asked for more work, and have been put off more times than I can count. I haven't let it get me down because I'm far from alone, and I've been given good reviews and many apologies for lack of communication and leadership. 

There have been many changes. More in the last year than any other time in my 26 year history with the firm. Some by chance and some by design. Please read between the lines here. The most recent change was a move to new office space. It's a total 180 for the firm specifics withheld here to not show judgement. The views are really something though. Not mine, but that's ok. I'm still low hanging fruit. But what I'm struggling with is the fact that I am clearly not a valued enough 26 year employee who took several for the team to have one of several open offices without a view. I'm in a cube in a loud, high traffic area and I'm finding it distracting, disruptive, disrepectful to say the least. When I was proactive in bringing this to management's attention, I was basically told it's because I'm part-time. Hmmm. That sounds to me like I'm being thrice punished for doing what was good for the company every time I have been asked. 

So now here I am a middle-aged woman who has given almost three decades to this firm and I'm being marginalized. I'm a little shocked to have joined this statistic so soon. I don't think it's just my age, but the rest of the story may just be too scandalous to share here now.

So peeps this is just the tip of the iceberg that's been responsible for my mood and my health lately. This has been weighing on me, causing me stress, making me unwell. I'm quite certain this job isn't good for my mental or physical health any longer. So what to do? I'm not getting any younger.

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