Wednesday, November 16, 2016

On Things Lost

I've been feeling a little lost lately. I've also been losing things. I'm not sure if there's a correlation between my existential obscurity and these physical misplacements, but I'm inclined to think so. Yes. I just listened to Darryl McDaniels of Run DMC on a Moth podcast. He was quite convincing on that old adage that everything happens for a reason. I believe it...always have, and yet know that sometimes it's easier to see it hence prove it. Even those of us with our heads in the proverbial clouds want proof.


This morning I almost didn't brush my hair before putting it back in a bun before taking my husband to work, but then I did. As I stood at the vanity avoiding the dark circles under my well-rested eyes and the unevenness of my aging skin, I heard something small drop onto the counter. The ping urged me to do a once over of the space, but without my glasses it was futile. I dismissed it without much of a thought until I realized once I was home again that my right ear was naked. It was a quick case to crack: earring. Upon sleuthing, it was plain to see with now procured glasses that the earring back was the source of the ping. Cubic zirconia nowhere to be found...yet.


The earrings...they were my mom's. I wear them because I don't want to wear my real diamonds. Her diamonds. I don't want to wear the real diamonds for this precise reason. Also, I cannot find them. The last time we went away for a week, I hid them so well, even I can't find them. It's the truth. There's a whole lot of psychology that goes into sinking these treasures. My husband asks, "Why do you do this?" I have no answer. It's instinct, self- preservation, self-mutilation. I swear on some level I think...lose the diamonds, find my mom. So far it hasn't worked.


Last week I realized I lost my stories. I have a folder of tales in various stages. Yes, original penned pieces of me. That caused far more panic than sparkly things. I tore through file cabinets, folders, drawers. I was a woman on an unsuccessful mission. No luck. I had to trust that I wouldn't throw them away. They're like my children only illegitimate and obviously neglected. It's no wonder I tucked them away. Today when I couldn't find the stud and didn't have the energy to unearth the diamonds, I went in search of the stories like Leonard Nimoy. I don't think it's a small coincidence that I had just listened to two Moth podcasts. I was in a state of story awe. I was worshiping the power of  story and feeling a little undone that mine were MIA. I retraced the same steps I took just one week ago so sure I would find them and then when I didn't, I surrendered in defeat on my bedroom floor and on the verge of a mental break. Only something compelled me to get up and go downstairs and look in the front closet. I went right to a single bag in a sea of bags and there they stories. So lost and then found.


I promised never to lose them again before rifling through them reading a page or two. much further along than I remembered. Apparently, I've lost that too: my memory. It's supposed to be a novel, but it's a bit of a mess. A beautiful mess. Another story seemed too much a rant. It was immature and full of rage and blame. This one I can hide again. Another...Ghosts...well, appropriately it's nowhere to be found, yet  it's so much a part of me I think I can rewrite it verbatim. It's the one I thought of when I listened to Angel earlier. Ghosts is the story I can see myself on stage telling to a rapt audience.


I've lost so many things in my life: my innocence, my youth, my virginity, my faith, my way, myself. I've lost years, opportunities, loves, friends, a child, a parent...too many loved ones to count. I've lost hope and perspective, drive and dreams, and so so much time. I've lost little bits of myself every time I've hidden my things and bigger bits when I've hidden who I really am. Not wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, but dreamer, believer, and woman with strong shoulders, able hands, well-spoken tongue, kind heart and old soul.

I've found many things too. I'm hopeful that I'll add diamond earrings to the list soon.

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