Monday, December 24, 2012

2 day pass

some may say there aren't enough hours in the day.
i would also add that there are too few in every weekend.
the past couple days were filled with more rejoicing than replenishing.
all good...too good.
miss bit's christmas concert moved me to tears.
the third grade filed in and all the boys and girls in miss bit's class were wearing santa hats.
i knew it was a show of support for a. who has lost all her hair.
the tears welled up and almost over.
my tipping point was when they sang ode to peace.
it did not go unnoticed. 
but tears of joy and hope are hard for me to contain.
the kids had friday evening obligations.
i tidied up loose ends and wrapped a mountain of presents.
coach was a big help in that department.
he is particularly adept at my nemesis: the perfect square, and also any odd shape.
i pride myself on picking out the perfect pretty ribbon and making no two quite the same.
i may have tabled much of my usual holiday baking, but i whipped up a batch of irish cream.
i know a hostess or two who will surely enjoy this festive treat.
the sleeping santa duo did not sample despite the way it appears fyi.

saturday morning i forced myself to get out for a few miles in the fresh air.
it was a gift i gladly received.
i cued up my book and lost myself in stegner's words.
then miss bit and i got ready for a very important date: an afternoon at the ballet.
this coiffing process took considerably longer than usual given her new do complete with many layers.
i don't do hair...not well.
grandma j. came with the finishing touch: a jingle bell headband.
this was probably my favorite production of the nutcracker.
the interpretation of the snowflakes was so blue and shimmery and beautiful.
the clowns always make me laugh.
the carousel was quite something too.
it was the first time either of the grandmas had seen the show and they both enjoyed it.
miss bit may have liked it a little more when she was 6 than now that she is 8.
she wasn't into the lack of dialogue.
oh, but i will try try try again.
i for one will be in the audience again next year.
i'll leave her attendance up to her.

after the show, we stepped across the street to share some holiday cheer and small plates.
and maybe some beer cheese soup, which you garnish with spiced popcorn.

we came home for cookies and cocktails.
kiddie for the kids and irish cream for the big girls.
the girls rolled oreo balls and had great fun dipping them.
i did not enjoy cleaning up the mess.

i was thankful for father t's words during his sermon sunday.
turning down the volume and the heat sounds like sound advice right about now.
after church, we joined family to celebrate christmas. 
give or take 23 people means many presents and much chaos. 
cookies and candy too.

while the weekend was good and full, i'm fighting this feeling of emptiness.
i am missing my mom.
i feel a pity party coming on when i see so many grandparents in the school gym.
my mom wouldn't have missed miss bit's concert.
she would have been at the nutcracker probably wearing her christmas vest.
this year i'm feeling this loss like it hasn't been four christmases passed.
there are reasons for this of which i am very aware and others i am trying to bring to light.
and yet i'm trying to be a light and bring the joy to my kids despite the fact that i'd rather cry than laugh right now.
it's exhausting and enigmatic, and just life.
it ain't over til' it's over, father t. said yesterday.
that reminded me of my mom's favorite phrase: it is what it is.
empowering and deflating at once.
but i survived the weekend...found some joy there...and will now leave it behind and move on.

No comments: