April Inventory

Reading not enough. On the flight to Mexico, I read The Rules Do Not Apply. It was quick and didn't leave a lasting impression. Poolside, I read another memoir, A Long Way Home. I cannot believe I'm going to admit this, but the the movie was much more gripping...touching. Maybe that's because it was my first experience with the story, but I think not. I listened to All the Ugly and Wonderful Things recently. It was both disgusting and beautiful and so aptly titled. I'm still not quite sure what to think of the novel. Now I'm listening to The Zookeepers Wife. The story is solid, but I'm not feeling the narration, which can be a huge problem with audio books. I also started Hourglass. Dani Shapiro's most recent memoir is something to sit with and savor. I'm trying to show restraint with her beautiful words that feel more like poetry than prose at times. I have a nice little stack of new books and books I started and need to finish waiting for me too so I'm a happy bookworm.  

Wondering what's next. This summer, this year, this life.

Hoping this wreath stays put until the eggs hatch. Lily and I lobbied to leave the nest the sparrows worked so steadfastly to fashion be even though it would be a slight inconvenience. We were convincing.

Thinking I really am a short-order cook now! And that I'm good at and I love it too!

Watching Lily pitch. She learned a change up this week. She's on two teams right now and she's also on a swim team so she's a busy lady.

Listening to Norah Jones, Diana Krall and Al Jarreau. I've been in a jazzy mood lately preferring crooners to rockers. The birds in the morning. The weather report. One day it's like summer and the next we're back to winter. Spring is simply a state of mind when you live near Lake Michigan.

Eating simply and almost like summer. Most nights we fire up the grill. The usual and favored suspects are split chicken breasts (bone in, skin on). Tonight Ted ate 1 1/2 and they were huge. Pictured below is my new favorite side. That's coming from a girl who never much cared for baked beans. That's until I decided to doctor them up one night. Now I want them every meal. Crisp up a little bacon, add some diced pepper (jalapeno and bell) and a chopped onion, and saute. Add the beans, a little ketchup, a dollop of bbq sauce, a splash of cider vinegar, a skosh of Dijon, a pinch of brown sugar and some s&p. They are heaven: sweet, spicy, salty, smokey, creamy and crunchy.

Drinking coffee, water and wine. Staying awake, hydrated and sane.

Wanting to write a book as beautiful as Shapiro's. 

"What must we summon and continue to summon in order to form ourselves toward, against, alongside another person for the duration? To join ourselves to the unknown? What steadiness of spirit? What relentless faith?"

Enjoying the brownies Lily baked for Teddy last night. He bought the mix when he worked over the weekend. Tonight, he put a note on the pan. It said, "DON'T TOUCH." Loft cardigans. They're just the right weight. Spring peas. Kick boxing and visualizing my targets. The morning and the evening sky.

Loving sweet moments spent at home with my family. I've been a serious and shameless homebody lately. Quiet weekends. Simple pleasures. 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Eggs in the nest. Eggs in the nest in the wreath on the front door. A sweet little sparrow is waiting for her hatchlings and so are we.

Lunch with friends this week. It was great to see Rose and catch up on her life since she's moved to Sedona. She's happy and healthy and moving forward to bigger and better things.

The fried Brussel's sprout side that Candace and I shared at said lunch. It was our second time in a week enjoying this treat: Brussel sprouts flash fried and then topped with candied pecans and a drizzle of sriracha mayo.

Candace stopped by last minute late Sunday afternoon for a visit. She brought flowers and wine. I had a bottle of champs chilling so we shared that instead because it's her favorite. She's so good to me. We're lucky to have one another. Our friendship is one of my mom's best legacies.

Plans for dinner tonight with another friend. Just the two of us. We have much - so much - to talk about.

Naps. For the first 45 years of my life, I was not much of a day sleeper, but that has changed. When I come home from work, I often curl up in bed with a book and a cat and drift off for a bit before night begins. It's a reset. Kinda like hitting the refresh button. Purging the nonsense and making way for the goodness.

Hourglass. It's speaking directly to my heart. I'm feeling the format and appreciating the subtlety.

I successfully gave Lily French braids this morning and went up several notches in her book. I need some practice, but they were passable enough that she wore them to school. I see lots of YouTube videos in our future.

Summer plans are starting to come together. Lily has volunteer hours at the nature center and she's going to acting camp with a friend. She would also like to find a babysitting job. Teddy is working on a babysitting job too, he has to play baseball and he wants to play endless rounds of golf.

My step-mom is very much enjoying retirement. I'm so happy for her to bid adieu to corporate America. The common theme I'm hearing and experiencing these days is that it's not all it's cracked up to be. She's free!

I am enjoying the lake views from my new office. Well, not my office, but the offices of almost all my co-workers. They don't seem too annoyed when I sneak in to gawk.

My guy for hanging the paintings we bought in Ixtapa. In Ixtapa on the day before we left on the beach. All week I was in search of a painting to add to the collection that hangs over our bed. I wasn't having much luck, but then on a morning beach walk we came upon the artist that our friend's spoke of. He paints with his fingers and it's quite something. They bought one of his works on one of their visits. I commissioned four. I wanted the view from the beach at sunrise, high sun, sunset and night. We were to meet him on the beach the next morning. He was late because of daylight saving's time and we had a narrow window because we had a plane to catch, but the guys went back and found him and so I'm grateful for their persistence as well.

A mostly quiet weekend of baseball and softball. Time to decompress and dream. Time to restore and rebalance.

Mid-Life Crisis

This morning I woke up thinking about work. Today is my day off and usually that's not a problem. I'm not thinking about looming deadlines or unfinished projects. I'm thinking about how I don't look forward to going back to the office in 24 hours. I can't say that I usually wake up and say "Oh goodie, I get to go to work today!"  But I can say that I've never dreaded it. My true passions are not necessarily tapped into at work. That's never been a problem because I have a decent home work life balance.

This balance was not my choice initially and it's come at a cost. Sixteen years ago at the time of the birth of my son, assets were down, performance (over which I had zero control of) was down and I was asked to cut my hours for the good of the company. The company I'd already worked for for about a decade as low hanging fruit on the profitable tree. I agreed. I had a new baby at home and that was quite a draw. Some things are worth more than money. At least to me.

I agreed to a subsequent request to further reduce my hours again for the good of the company some time after the birth of my daughter. Again, it was good for my family although this time it was a little more painful as I became ineligible for health insurance and profit sharing. I reasoned that these are the years with my children I could never get back, and we signed up for health care through my husband's work. It was a lesser plan, but we were healthy.

Fast forward about a decade and my hours are increased at the request of the company. I'm not full-time, but I'm also not busy all the time through no fault of my own. I've asked for more work, and have been put off more times than I can count. I haven't let it get me down because I'm far from alone, and I've been given good reviews and many apologies for lack of communication and leadership. 

There have been many changes. More in the last year than any other time in my 26 year history with the firm. Some by chance and some by design. Please read between the lines here. The most recent change was a move to new office space. It's a total 180 for the firm specifics withheld here to not show judgement. The views are really something though. Not mine, but that's ok. I'm still low hanging fruit. But what I'm struggling with is the fact that I am clearly not a valued enough 26 year employee who took several for the team to have one of several open offices without a view. I'm in a cube in a loud, high traffic area and I'm finding it distracting, disruptive, disrepectful to say the least. When I was proactive in bringing this to management's attention, I was basically told it's because I'm part-time. Hmmm. That sounds to me like I'm being thrice punished for doing what was good for the company every time I have been asked. 

So now here I am a middle-aged woman who has given almost three decades to this firm and I'm being marginalized. I'm a little shocked to have joined this statistic so soon. I don't think it's just my age, but the rest of the story may just be too scandalous to share here now.

So peeps this is just the tip of the iceberg that's been responsible for my mood and my health lately. This has been weighing on me, causing me stress, making me unwell. I'm quite certain this job isn't good for my mental or physical health any longer. So what to do? I'm not getting any younger.

On My Mind Monday

How do you suppose time works? A slippery succession of long hours adding up to ever-shorter days and years that disappear like falling dominoes? Near the end of her life, Grace Paley once remarked that the decades between fifty and eighty feel not like minutes, but seconds. I don't know yet if this is the case, but I do know this: the decades that separate that young mother making her lists from the middle-aged woman discovering them feel like the membrane of a giant floating bubble. A pinprick and I'm back there. But is she here? How can I tell her that her lists will not protect her?

Dani Shapiro

Hourglass: Time, Memory. Marriage

Rainy Day

I woke this morning before my alarm. My dreams jolted me to consciousness. We were on vacation in Mexico and realized we had to pack and leave in 10 minutes. That was an impossible task. So much stuff so little time and space. The origin of this sleep interloper is transparent with all the moving going on in my personal and professional lives recently. I lie in the dark letting my heart rate ebb with each breath. Finally, it calmed and no longer felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest.

I set my alarm on Sunday mornings for church, but when I made my way downstairs and saw the gloomy, rainy day, I knew I was staying in my pjs for the duration. After this recent stretch - a toxic, turbulent, sensitive space - there's little doubt that the word of God would do me some good. Still I opted for the comforts of home. I'm not regretting it.

I've been spending the day doing things that bring me happiness and peace and purpose. I made breakfast three times: ours, hers and his. Eggs Benedict for us because we're still not sick of it, fruit and protein for her before a day of softball practice, and a big stack of pancakes for him after Sunday school. I just finished my second cup of coffee and about half of my book. I want to read it all, but I need a little something to look forward to this week and so I've put it down. Instead I'm going to get back in the kitchen, blast the jazz and make a big pot of chili for the chilly week ahead. I may bake some cookies, watch a movie or play a game. And at the end of the day, we'll have Sunday dinner together as a family and there will be no question of our blessings.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Today is not the wash-out predicted. The sun is out high in the sky...not a cloud in sight. I love love a rainy day, but Ted left early for a golf invitational and rain is not a golfer's friend. He's playing number 3 on varsity as a sophomore. I'm proud of him and happy for him.

I will get out for a long walk today. 

I have the day off. The movers are coming today so I have to go into work this evening to unpack.  I've worked in this office for 25 years...I'm not taking this move lightly. We're leaving lots of things behind and I'll leave it at that.

Audible. I signed up before our trip to Mexico, and I just finally got through my first book. I thought I'd go through a stack of books, but I was more interested in watching and listening to the waves than reading or listening to words. I think I'll start The Zookeeper's Wife today while I walk.

Yesterday I received Dani Shapiro's latest memoir in the mail. I started it last night. It's short and I can tell already that it's going to be sweet. It's one I will need to savor...take my time with. I also got Anne Lamott's latest work on mercy. Another gem at just the right time.

This recipe. 

In a well-greased baking dish, layer slices of Canadian bacon. Top with slices of Swiss cheese and crack eggs on top. As many eggs as meat and cheese. Drizzle whipping cream in the nooks and crannies about 1/4 cup, and S&P. Bake at 425 degrees for 8 minutes. Then sprinkle with good grated Parmesan and a little smoked paprika and bake 2-4 more minutes. The eggs may appear under-cooked, but they'll continue to cook. Let sit for 1-2 minutes before serving on top of English muffins or a bed of sauteed greens. By the way, we like our eggs runny so if you don't, just cook the heck out of them. Still tasty.

Breakfast burritos.  I made these for Teddy and his uncle one early morning. I wrapped 4 of them up for them to take to the golf course. Ted ate them all. My brother was impressed by his appetite and his game that day.

Tilapia tacos and grill pans.

These two sun worshipers.

The Easter candy is almost gone. This girl has such a sweet tooth, but also amazing willpower.

Grandpa's new car. My mom was always the convertible girl, but I guess it's one thing they had in common. Who knew?!?

Room for two.

An impromptu date night Saturday. It was so nice to go out for a nice dinner with my guy on a beautiful spring night. His ravioli in goat cheese sauce was so delicious and rich. I ate all the scallops in my dish and took home the pasta and the shrimp.

Lily playing her ukulele. The other day, I was out in the yard weeding and I could hear her strumming and singing through the open window.

That Teddy can and does drive his sister to and fro these days. 

Lily's school softball team won their first game this week. She pitched and played short. After the game her comment was, "We're not used to this!" It's true as her fast pitch team was new last year and didn't win a single game.

Ted pitched last week for the varsity spring game and while I wasn't there to see it, I heard he was impressive.

Weekending

the weekend was fraught with emotion and filled with to dos.

it wasn't until i was going through my pictures that i noticed so many joy moments.

so it wasn't a wash after all.

it's one of the things i love about capturing bits and parts of every day.

it's evidence.

evidence that helps me to truly see the extraordinary ordinary.

to celebrate the dailiness of life...the moments in between.

after a long day of moving furniture and deep spring cleaning saturday, mike and i had just enough time to step out for dinner before picking lily up from a party.

the highlight of the meal was sala's riff on eggplant parm, which we had as an appetizer, and the after dinner drinks too.

i love a limoncello, and especially in a pretty glass.

while ted had baseball and lily had a date with jess sunday, i spent time at my grandma's helping to prepare for the estate sale coming soon.

my brother stopped by shortlyafter i returned and we enjoyed an impromptu happy hour sunday evening.

i ordered pizza too tired to shop or cook.

no it wasn't a wash.

and it's all about what happens in the moments in between.