two day pass

the weekend was a long exhale after a frenetic week of illness and chaos.

it was the kind of week that had me questioning how much more we could take aloud and angry.

it was the kind of weekend that reminded me that there are always people to turn to and count on.

family and friends who show up where and when you most need them.

friday my brother and sil came bearing bags full of snacks and libations for happy hour.

it was so thoughtful and appreciated along with my sil's design advice.

it was the perfect send off for the week and segue into the weekend.

saturday i woke at the crack of dawn although it was hard to tell.

it was a dark and dismal scene.

perfect for a slow and lazy entry.

the sky spit all day long.

normally i see this and i smile, but i knew it would put a damper on trick or treat.

mike and i met our contractor and designer at a showroom first thing and made some more choices.

plumbing and lighting this time.

i don't see myself ever building a house for the record.  

jess came at my urging invitation to help get lily witched in the afternoon.

a little rain was not going to put a stop to her candy canvasing. 

for years many years ago, my mom was beside me on this day so it can be a rough one for me.

it's much less so with jess here.

ted decided not that he's too old for trick or treat, but that it was too wet.

he went to work out and hang out with friends.

completely age appropriate behavior.

we ordered chinese for dinner.

it was a takeout smorgasbord and food coma inducing. 

sunday i woke early again, but to an entirely different day.

it was bright and billowy...beautiful.

i may even like the lighter morning hour more than i miss the longer day.

the high point of the weekend for me was returning to mass on sunday.

it set the tone for the day.

my dad met us at home after church with his heavy duty leaf blower.

in an hour and half flat, our yard looked like a putting green.

it was a lifesaver.

he was a lifesaver.

we came together for sunday lunch before going our separate ways.

then we gathered again for sunday dinner: grilled tenderloin, roasted brussels sprouts and buttery garlic bread made for a simple, but satisfying meal.

the lessons for the weekend were as easy as: say 'yes,' say 'no', say 'i'm sorry' and say 'thank you.'

i said them all on repeat.

On My Mind Monday

You don't have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body.

~ CS Lewis

Yesterday was the first mass I've attended in much longer than I intended.  I think it was rather fitting that it was All Saints Day.  That was just a coincidence.  Today is All Souls Day. I was nervous to go back, and my anxiety was amplified when I realized I had my copy of After This: When Life is Over Where Do We Go? in my purse.  I come to church to get answers and to find comfort, but there are questions and pains that are never affirmed or abated.  I'm not afraid to look elsewhere.  Everywhere.  *************************

I was baptized Catholic soon after I was born, and then my parents migrated away from the church.  Their all encompassing religious upbringings resulted in my rather pagan childhood.  They attended Catholic schools K-12 and mass several times a week.  They had plenty of Catholic guilt.  Just this weekend my Dad confirmed that he attended the seminary for two years.  I was shocked to learn that my Dad seeking to join the priesthood was not just a family myth.  Miss Bit thought that a priest for a Grandpa was "cool" until I clued her in that then none of us would be here.  

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When I attended church as a child, it was for weddings, funerals or with my Grandma Rose on a random Saturday night.  We would walk down the alley to St. Al's for 4 o'clock mass, a mass I didn't understand or feel connected to, but I could tell she did.  Her connection awed me, and impacted my religious journey for sure.  I would sit beside her in the stony pew while leaning into her softness sucking on the endless stash of hard candy she stuffed in her handbag, an unnecessary bribe.  I could hear her singing unfamiliar hymns and reciting responses and prayers that sounded and felt important even though I didn't know how or why at that time.  The truth is I spent more time in temples than cathedrals when I was growing up.

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I started attending mass when I was in college. A group from the dorm went on Saturday nights before going out and I started tagging along.  The more I went, the less an impostor I felt.  I took art history and philosophy courses that touched on religion.  It was fascinating to me and missing from my life.  You see I always had faith, but I didn't have religion.  I didn't have religion until I was a young woman.  I chose my church when I was preparing for marriage.  I chose my church because it is the prettiest church in the city and within walking distance to our reception.  I would choose this church today, but for entirely different reasons.  In order to receive the sacraments of Reconciliation, Communion and Confirmation, I took classes.  No one was happier than my Grandma Rose when I received them and was able to marry in the church. A part of me did it for her.  A part of me did it for myself.

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Mike and I were religious about going before and then shortly after our wedding.  Our attendance ebbed and flowed until we found out we were expecting.  News of that miracle was all it took for us to resume the ritual.  Teddy was born and baptized and then he started to walk and talk, so we fell out of it again because it became a hassle and an impossibility to keep him contained or quiet.  The cycle repeated itself  again with Lily.

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I knew I wanted my children to have religion in their lives, but it just wasn't convenient.  It nagged at me that we were those people who only went on holidays and occasions, but that's the truth.  Then my Mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness when Lily was 3 and Teddy was 6.  She was 59 and I was 39, but I felt like I was just a lost little girl dealing with doctors and doubt.  Before long my Mom was dealing with death.  A friend suggested I call Father Tim who happened to be the relatively new priest at my parish.  I had no clue because I hadn't been in so long.  She knew he would come visit my Mom in her home and help her have some much deserved peace.

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He came the next week.  We both liked him instantly.  He felt like an old friend.  He made us laugh until we cried and cry until we laughed.  He was honest and he was kind.  He spoke candidly about life and death and grace.  He took one look at my Mom and said she was glowing with God's grace, and she was.  He welcomed her back to the church, gave her Reconciliation and Communion, and then he asked me where I belonged.  When I told him, he was a little shocked that we had yet to meet.  Before he left, he told me he'd see me on Sunday so I could bring her Communion.  He did.  I did.  The next week I signed the kids up for Sunday School and we began to attend mass as a family.

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When my Mom passed a month later, Father Tim officiated at her funeral which took place at our church.  He started his homily singing To Ra Loo Ra Loo Ral.  My Mom sang that Irish Lullaby to Teddy soon after he was born, and countless times in his colicky days.  She swore it was the only thing that would soothe him.  The lullaby was sung again when Lily was born, Father Tim later told me he felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to sing that song that held so much meaning for our family about which he had no firsthand knowledge.  I felt such peace knowing that she had peace, and ever since that funeral mass the church has been even more of a sanctuary for me.

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Yesterday's mass filled me up in ways I didn't even know I needed.  I sang loud, prayed thoughtfully and cried involuntarily after Communion.  I cried because I could feel the grace of God when I needed it most.  When I felt weak and undeserving. I've had a lightness in spirit and a clarity in mind ever since. I feel unstuck and have a freedom that I haven't known for months.  I will be at church next week.  And the week after.

October in an Instagram

31 days of delight.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Surviving the crazy week. Our kitchen didn't.  It's completely demolished...down to the studs.  That is a good and exciting thing, and after week one we are even more certain that we made the right choice.  

Mike is almost as good as new.  He was down for the count for 5 days with a nasty infection.  The timing was both blessing and curse.  It made an already chaotic week all the more challenging, but he was also home to greet contractors and cuddle our scardey cats.

Ted is feeling better in time for the weekend.  He was a bit under the weather this week too.

Our basement kitchen/rec room. While it's a bit of an adventure, it's working out really well.  We made quesadillas one night, and pizza breads and salads another.  

A new Keurig.  When I went to make a cup of coffee Thursday morning, my maker was dead.  It was my breaking point.  I cried.  It just seemed like one cruel joke too many.  Mike took Lily to school and came home with a coffee for me.  He had to go in the shop in his jammies.  Now that is love. Then he and Lily headed out after school to surprise me with a new Keurig and I almost cried again.

Lily had her first riding lesson since spring.  She rode a new horse named Cinnamon who was a spunky and spirited girl.  She rode with confidence and command.  She loved being back on the farm. I did too.

Fall colors.  I went for a walk through the park in between rainstorms.  I expected the trees to be skeletons, but so many were still showy.  It was cloudy, but the trails blazed yellow and orange and red.  So did my spirits.

Tickets to see The Lion next week.  I'm looking forward to the one man show, and a night out midweek.

Halloween.  Lily is going to be the Wicked Witch.  Her friend is going as Dorothy, and her dog is going to be the Cowardly Lion.  Should be cute.  

November.  October is my favorite month of the year, but November is a close second.  Here's to 30 days of gratitude.

What Would Your Super Power Be?

Healing is usually my answer.  Sometimes invisibility.  It depends on my mood to be sure.  Whether I am feeling big hearted  or small minded.  Today I have to say that calm would be my super power.  It's really the uber brute force too.  Calmness prevents disease and promotes presence, thus trumping healing and invisibility as far as I can reason.  

If we were to cross paths today, yesterday, or many a time in the past week, you may have seen me as a halcyon invocation of peace and harmony, but I tell you such tranquility is a cover, a ruse, a sham.  It's a con for the way I am feeling, which is shell shocked, stupefied and a bit numb.

The payment of exorbitant amounts of money to have a kitchen demolished is not for the feint of heart.  I knew this.  I know this.  It's a minor inconvenience to have to go to the basement to make a cup of coffee and then outside around to the garage for the cream I enjoy in it.  I admit this.  It's no problem to order carryout and eat on paper plates in front of the family room t.v. only to find that when the breaker was turned off, the dvr was wiped clean. Life's an adventure and I embrace it.  No sweat to have to sleep in a room that now contains a cat pan and kibble, or to wake up in the cold, dark morning only to step in a regurgitated hairball on the way to the bathroom.  There's no pride in sweating the small stuff after all.  No big deal to drop a full glass of milk in route to bring a bedridden husband a peanut butter sandwich, the only thing he's eaten in 48 hours.  All first world problems you say.  And I agree wholeheartedly. 

And still I felt like crying over spilled milk and laughing like a lunatic when I had to hop to my shower for a rinse before the elaborate caffeine maneuver even ensued. I am challenging the universe to give me just one more challenge.  I'm incredulous that the #!@$ cosmos are complying. Every dare I dangle out there is accepted, and all I can do is take one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  I'm trying to see the silver linings and the blessings in disguise as I oxygenate.  I deep breathe in and out in an attempt to remain calm, but it's #!@$ hard.  So hard that I'm sure I have all the evidence necessary to prove that calmness is a super power.

Grateful Friday on Saturday

It appears that I missed a week.  There hasn't been much time for blogging.  Life around here has been full and frenetic.  The last seven days have challenged me to remain calm and collected when my first impulse is to scream and scorch, to think before I speak thus activating that filter protection, to take the lessons as they are delivered and also to see in them not always what I want to, but what I need to.  I have learned about myself in recent history that I am someone who navigates life in absolutes.  For me, it is all very black and white.  This method of skippering through it all is incongruent with what I know to be true though.  What I believe is that things are never outright one thing or another.  There are always blurred lines, unclear circumstances and a uncontrolled element of chance. That being said, the trials of the last week left us with important lessons on family, friendship and life. Hard, but good lessons about what it means to be good to the people we care about including ourselves.  We deserve to have standards and expectations and boundaries, as long as we too abide by them.  

At the end of the week, I give thanks for...

Making lemonade out of lemons.  Teddy did that big time last weekend.  I went from wanting to throttle him, to my heart hurting for him, to being incredibly proud of him.  I believe that the difficult situation he weathered, will make him a better more discerning friend, and since we become like the five people we spend the most time with, I see this as a major win.

The sound of my brother's sports car.  I heard it approaching unexpectedly last Saturday just when I was about at my wits end.  He came to my rescue to tie Ted's tie, add a little lightness to the levity and deliver the boys to the dance on time.

The end of the season.  Ted finished his final cross country race of the year with another PB.  This morning, I dropped him off at school to ride a bus north so he could cheer his teammates at sectionals.  He's so enjoyed being a part of this team.

The beginning of her riding season.  Her trainer moved away and we're finally connected with the new trainer.  I don't like that she missed two months of gorgeous riding weather, but in retrospect I can see that it helped her commit to swimming with a little more passion.

Teacher conferences.  Lily's teachers once again gushed about her not only as a student, but as a person.  They all called her out as a leader and kind friend to every classmate.  Teddy's teachers were also full of praise about his studies and his character.

20 years.  Mike and I have been married for 20 years!  We celebrated the milestone by heading to Kohler for a getaway on our anniversary.  It was just what we needed.  We enjoyed a delicious dinner at Trattoria Stefano that night.  The next day we visited the art museum in Sheboygan and then took a long hike along the dunes and through the woods at Kohler Andrae State Park.

20 more years.  I'm really looking forward to the next chapters with my guy.

Jess.  She stayed with the kids, took them out for dinner, even sent me photos of the cats and then told me all the snippets and stories when we returned.  I didn't worry about a thing once.

Packing and purging.  The kitchen is almost bare.  As I'm boxing things up, I'm a little disgusted by all the stuff we have.  There is so much we don't need, and I've realized this in the last year as things have broken down one by one.  It's liberating to pare down our belongings.

October.  It's been such a beautiful, unseasonably warm month.  Every day everywhere I look is a postcard.  My words have alluded me, but I have seen and felt what I have been unable to say.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Teddy had a great run this afternoon. He had a PB.  He's new on this running scene, and it's challenging him in ways that have inspired growth in mind and body.  Spirit too I believe.

Smallwaukee.  It's what we call our town when we are being snide and snarky.  Today I have gratitude for the two degrees of separation because there is comfort in commonality and a bond that comes with shared history.  Teddy's history teacher/meet volunteer shared my high school English muse and also my sociology guru so many years ago.  She too loves running and kids who love running because for her it suggests a certain mental mettle.  I also attended the same high school as Teddy's good friend's mother. She was a year ahead of me and lived next door to my boyfriend...my boyfriend with a wandering eye.  She was cute and blond (is cute and blond), and man how I worried about their proximity, but now she is a person I seek out and enjoy.  Ted's friend Zach is the son of one of my brother's oldest friends.  We were all there today and it's all good.

This piece on Peanuts.  It was always much more than a comic strip or holiday special to me.  I'm excited for the movie to come out next month.  I got teary watching the trailer.  Vince Guaraldi has that effect on me as do Chuck and Snoopy.  I came of age is the 'Happiness is a Warm Puppy" age.

Friends.  One friend this week spent time trying to get us the best deals on appliances while another drove well out of her way to pick up boxes for me so I can pack up my kitchen.  Happiness is a helpful friend.

We signed a contract to have our kitchen done.  I took a tone of jest when I said almost a year ago that it would take until Thanksgiving for us to get this sign sealed and delivered.  Then a month ago I amended it to the new year.  I think it's rather fitting that our ETA is Jan. 1st.  That being said, I am so happy that we waited until we found the right fit and were completely comfortable.  We are getting exactly the kitchen we hoped for.  This is our back splash.

Dessert for breakfast.  We didn't need the apple crisp I made for dessert Sunday so I baked it off for the kids' Monday complete with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce.  

Peanut on Lily's bed or ET in Gertie's closet?

Another stack...another weekend.

October.  31 days of glory.

#ourworldinskies