Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Writer's Block

50 More Things...
1. I have an annoying affinity for alliteration.
2. I like to make up or misuse words and conventions, which is somewhat problematic for an English major.
3. Whenever I am at an event and someone is speaking to the crowd, I always nod and smile often as if they are speaking directly, and only, to me.
4. Friday night is pizza night at Casa Wags, and it is a favorite of both the littles and the bigs.
5. It's much harder for me to make friends in my middle age than it was when I was younger, and the whole process is very quickly losing its allure. Less is more I keep reminding myself.

6. I am a touchy feely kind of person.
7. I swear by Aveda lipsticks...they are the best of the best.
8. I'm really into birds right now...on plates, painted on cards, in my yard, in my head.
9. Someday I hope to write a memoir, and I pray it gets published and even purchased.
10. I wish people weren't so selfish. Myself included.
11. It blows my mind that I have a middle schooler. I think 5th grade is too young for middle school, but I also have confidence that everything little thing's gonna be ok. I've learned how to channel my inner Bob Marley.
12. I am not a big risk taker.
13. I have a great deal to learn about blogging. I don't get the formatting on blogger any more. I rarely comment and don't understand the protocol when someone comments on one of my posts. There are many nuances I've got to get a grasp of if I'm going to keep this up.
14. More than anything else...well, almost anything...I wish my house had a roomy screened in porch.
15. I don't know how we ever thrived without the Internet. I still sometimes think it may be our demise...demise of civility that is.
16. I think every one's life has a soundtrack and that everyone should have a theme song for various periods in his/her life. Right now I'm ruminating on a new theme song. TBA.
17. I love reading cooking blogs most of all.
18. Summer is my least favorite season, but I still very much enjoy it.
19. I'm excited for the road trips in our future. I think that seeing the country...the world...is an invaluable gift we can give our children.
20. I absolutely love a good tearjerker and I'm not afraid to bawl through it.
21. I do not camp. Period. Amen.
22. I love dinner parties, but sadly I think they are a lost art. At times, I think I should have come of age in the 50's.
23. It would be nice to be a part of a book club again, but I'm just not sure I know enough serious readers to invite. It's been on my to do list for a couple years now.
24. I don't have a fancy cell phone and I'm not sure I ever will. I'm all about utility (and maybe antiquity).
25. I cannot stand the taste of gin ever since we swigged it straight and warm out out of the bottle before prom in the 80s in J.B.'s pantry.
26. I am not a gardener, but sometimes I really wish I were.
27. I live for the calm before the storm.
28. I have an incredibly hard time saying "no" to anyone except myself and canvassers with divergent politics from my own.
29. Every.Single.Day. I wish I could hit the pause button on my life.
30. I often put my foot in my mouth. Sorry. Please accept my apology.
31. I have always been an observer of life. I have to prod myself to get up and get in. I do it, but it's not always comfortable or natural.
32. Sage words of wisdom that I've always...ALWAYS...carried with me is that in order to grow one must step outside his/her comfort zone. I think that was the wise sounding of Rita Kinsler and it is 100% true.
33. I find that people disappoint me almost everyday, but people amaze me seven days of the week too. I'm working hard to focus on the later and let go of the former.
34. Life would be so much easier lived backwards.
35. The things that bother us in other people are actually the the things that burden us most about ourselves, yet we are often too short-sighted and trapped in denial to see it.
36. I want to fix all problems of all my loved ones and if someone is hurting or down and out I fixate on it. It is a constant, daily battle to let go of their burden and not carry it on my back.
37. I think the best role in the family is Grandma closely followed by Grandpa.
38. I'm going to bare and then bury it here...I am hurt that friends claim reading my blog is invasive. I feel like it is downplaying my role as a writer. If one of my friends had a blog, I would read it often.
39. Robin's eggs are beautiful. There really is no better blue although Tiffany blue is a close runner up.
40. Lulls in life are good. Stop. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Enjoy.
41. I get a rush from the sense of accomplishment I have when all the laundry in the house is done. That almost never happens.
42. Watch Modern Family if you want to laugh loud and hard. It is so worth 30 minutes a week.
43. It is important to always be true...to myself and my loved ones.
44. I often buy a bottle of wine just because I like the label.
45. There are only 5 books that I've started and not finished in the last 20 years. Three are on my bedside table right now. I dust them every week and one day I will finish them.
46. If I were to move, it would be on the outskirts of a quaint town in Northern New England.
47. I have a clock collection on my kitchen wall. It was my Mom's idea, but Jess was the one to give me my first clock. I get more compliments on it than any other decoration in my house.
48. Nothing is better than homemade salad dressing.
49. I think everyone should have a pet. Animals make the house more a home.
50. I dream most every night often about people I've loved and lost.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Today I give thanks for...

The lovely evening these two very special to me people enjoyed together last Friday.

Goldfinches in the strangest of places.





My crab apple tree for exactly one week while it bursts with beautiful blooms.

T. Bone coaching his little sis during a little batting practice in the yard.




T. Bone is on his way to spend the day at our capital. The field trip is the culmination of his unit on state government.

I caught Miss Bit red handed sneaking fresh green beans to snack on. They were so good she didn't realize she didn't need to be clandestine about her healthy cache.

I logged over 20 miles this week and I still have today and tomorrow to add to my count. I'm working on a minimum of 26.2.

Miss Bit had a rough patch this week, but she's feeling better. Two of her closest friends were excluding her and telling secrets. When she confessed her hurt to me she said, "Sometimes life is just so hard." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry seeing as how it was coming honestly out of the mouth of my sweet, sensitive 6 year old.

T. Bone is in a tournament all weekend and the forecast is promising for baseball. Our Sox are now 6 and 1!!!

Fans in the stands. Both grandmas and grandpas came to both kid's games this week to cheer them on. They cheered loudly.

Garnet Hill for both girls in the family although I wish they'd stop sending me catalogs i cannot resist.

Jess, my dear and skinny friend, for bringing me flowers and wine the other day to cheer me up after her long day.


T. Bone was showing me the play cards for his friends on PS3 one of which was the Play Boy Bunny (belonging to the older brother of friend). I asked him if he even knew what that was. He answered, "Dah! It's a rabbit Mom. Why wouldn't I know that?"

An early rise this morning and a rekindled desire to get up and out before the rest of the world on a regular basis.

Malts. Chocolate for her and vanilla for him.

Veterans.

A long weekend.

Plans to get together with old friends at the end of it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rain Rain Go Away

I'm under the weather this week, which really isn't saying much since it's been downright dreary. It's like 46 fantastic degrees right now and raining like a sieve. Our yard is turning greener by the minute, I kid you not. It's as if the blades of grass are inching up right before my eyes striving for a sun I cannot see. The rain is good for the buds and blooms about to burst I know, but it's keeping me from pounding the pavement. I'm on a serious streak having logged 20 miles in the past 4 days. This ritual is such a resounding source of relief during times like these. I need a break in the clouds, both literally and figuratively speaking. Sadly, it's not in the forecast for today.

The usual suspects are to blame: hubris, disappointment, disease and death.

An old wound reopened. The scab wasn't even visable any longer, but the hurt was far from healed. No, I have to say that it stung much worse being picked off than it did when it was first inflicted. In retrospect, I suspect that has much to do with being a punch-drunk combination of numb and shocked at the time. I couldn't see clearly enough or feel fiercely to fully understand the hurtful exclusion. I made excuses for it. I told myself that it was OK...that I was OK with it, and when I'd get an inkling otherwise, I told myself that it wasn't about me. No, it most certainly wasn't and believe me I got that message booming loud and crystal clear. In the end, I tucked it away and went on with a smile even if forced at times. I was protecting my heavy heart.

This matter of the heart that is once again weighing on mine heavily is making me miss my Mom more than usual. I'm missing her because she would have understood. She would have validated my feelings. She would have been there for me...with me. I just hate HATE hate that she is gone.

And you know what else I hate? I hate the word hate, but it's the best one in this case.

So I'm drowning in my sorrows and on a direct downward spiral, when my cousin calls to interrupt my pity party with a diagnosis that stops me in my tracks. She tells me that she has cancer. Myeloma. I pause for what feels like forever before I tell her I am sorry. Then she tells me that with treatment she has about 5 years. Ongoing ingestion of horrible concoctions for half a decade with a dirty laundry list of side effects. After another pregnant pause, I tell her I don't know what to say because I know that I cannot say what I want to say. What I want to say is to hell with cancer. Fuck it! It's not FAIR. I do not have the mettle to deal with more loved ones having to deal with this. The drugs are poison. I wish you luck making sense of everything you will hear from your new team of doctors, finding out and being considered for clinical studies, or being so far from family when you are going to need them most.

She agrees that there is nothing one can say. She tells me she's really calling to see if I want to accompany her next week on an all expense paid trip to Costa Rica where we will celebrate living not dying. Where we will talk about the lush and colorful jungle, beautiful beaches, stunning vistas most certainly not cancer. I have to refrain from laughing because this is just why I love my cousin: hers is a spirit not to be contained. She's spontaneous and eccentric and generous and good. She's not a why person, but rather a why not. She doesn't say can't, she says how. I'm the polar opposite, so I say I couldn't and I almost choke on my words. Truthfully, there are plenty of reasons why it makes little sense to go jutting off to Central America in a few days, but as good as they are, I'm struggling with whether or not they are right. It's times like these that make me question the very essence of what is important in life.

Yet, I'm pretty sure it's not work, money or a calendar of to dos.

She's traveled the world with her children, but apparently Costa Rica remains on her bucket list. I ask if she wouldn't rather ask her son or daughter to be her companion. She tells me that her daughter hasn't even called to hear the results despite knowing she would have them this day. I tell her I'm sure there's a reason. There's always a reason, but again is it good? Right? Important? And really who is to judge? That's another post I'm afraid.

This is not a random, pissy post. No, my stifled sadness, my Mom's untimely death and my cousin's sudden sickness are related and relevant to one another. Life is short. Too short, in fact, to not say what you need to say, to do right, to be happy, to love with all your heart, to live every moment not with reckless abandon, but with joy and gratitude and the knowledge of what a God-given gift it is.

It stopped raining. The forecast is not always right, nor is the prognosis, and in a mere moment life just like the weather can change

Monday, May 23, 2011

On My Mind Monday

Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
That this, too, was a gift.


- Mary Oliver


The Uses of Sorrow

Sunday, May 22, 2011

two day pass






i picked a pouty miss bit up from school friday afternoon.
i assumed she was lamenting her lack of a playdate since her brother had an invitation.
but then she threw her favorite headband at me from the way back and it was in 2 pieces.
she perked right up when i told her we would drive straight to the mall to buy another one to reward such obnoxious overtures and over the top over reaction.
truthfully, i'd actually decided we would go on a little spree 20 minutes earlier after admitting we were in for a fight when it came time to get prettied for the evening's father daughter dance.
she wanted to stuff herself into a precious silk number that was clearly only still in her closet for it's sentimental value.
and she balked at the fun, bright-colored shift when i made her try it on and it fit.
in between were numerous adorable sundresses, but we're not even close to that season in this neck of the northwoods yet.
we went to bed thursday night both thinking we had won...but i knew better.
on our way we made a plan and agreed that we would go to 3 stores.
of course, we stopped in the store that makes her swoon first and she fixated on this flouncy, red, short, polka dot number.
i believe i just may have said, "my girl is not a hoochie mama."
after that, we left in such a hurry that we forgot to get the headband.
the second stop was a total bust cuz' while they had numerous dresses, not a one had miss bit's name on it, and we could both clearly see that.
luckily we hit the jackpot at our third and last store, and we both left very smug and satisfied.
that is until we realized she'd need new shoes to match.
we made one final stop and were delighted to find that they had exactly 1 pair of the perfect shoes in a size 2 and they were sparkly and on sale.
sold!
i asked her if we should get a new pair of earrings too.
without hesitation she said, "no, i think i've got enough sass. i'm going to wear my pearls."
once home we did her hair while we rocked out to all her favorite songs on the radio played back to back to back and we giggled about how we love when that happens and i felt like i was hanging out with one of my good girlfriends instead of my 6 year old daughter and i didn't want her hair to ever dry so we could stay like that forever.
that caused me to become a bit verklempt because the day will come all too soon when my girl won't care about my input into appropriate dress, or need me to do her hair.
i won't recognize her favorite tunes or be able to mend her feelings with a trip to the mall.
the boy we're taking her picture with won't be her dad and i won't be sending her off knowing she's safe.
i shutter when i think of myself at 16...i know i didn't wear my seat belt. wink. wink.

saturday was soggy and cool.
we did chores and worked on projects first thing.
just as hubby and i set out for a walk, it started to sprinkle, and then rain, and then pour.
thankfully, i was wearing a water proof jacket and a hat.
my man was a drowned rat.
bit and i attended an orientation for her summer theater camp late in the afternoon.
i think it's going to be a very exciting experience for her come july.
baseball was cancelled.
so was the bbq with grandma and grandpa which reduced my girl to tears.
the smile was back on her face when we walked in the door and she found out her friend had called.
oh, and that they could have popsicles and cookie bars.
while the littles played with friends, my man and i scrabbled.
i was in the lead for just about the whole game, but then he had a bingo...eh?
of course he did.
i'm just glad i held firm on malignee and also that we're on the same team most of the time.
we served up pasta and garlic bread instead of brats and watermelon, and we played apples to apples instead of wiffle.
we reminisced about how this time last year we were enjoying the beautiful beaches of bermuda.
sigh.

today i woke up to bright shining sun.
we have the gift of a day free and clear.
i'm off to make ree's french breakfast puffs for the family.
we plan to take a 6 miler and probably fire up the grill.
anything else can and will wait.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

It may be half way through the month of May, but spring has finally graced us with her colorful, sweet scented presence.

My boy is brace free. His smile is so straight and so bright, yet I neglected to take the after shot.



Basking.


Baking. I made a batch of these this week and they are nearly gone. It doesn't help that you can eat them like popcorn.



Birds...in our yard. This week the turkey came to call daily. I also spotted my first ever indigo bunting. What a sight. We were visited by OJ, our resident red fox, for the first time this spring too although he moved so swiftly and syly that I didn't get a snapshot.







Basketball after breakfast instead of video gaming.


Our ever confident closer. The other night he consoled a friend after he pitched some heat and then threw him out on first. T. Bone said, "Dude, don't worry...I throw everyone out, but you...you got a piece of it!"






Hangin' loose for Hawaiian Day and 14 days until summer vacation.



Cat laps.


This little fashionista fabulousa!


Fun Family outings.


Sweet, sour and spicy Asian short ribs in the slow cooker.


Miss Bit made a new friend with the sister of one of T. Bone's teammates. Now she looks forward to going to the ballpark not just for the snacks, but also for the time to play.

The Sox are now 5 and 1. Hubby found out last night that he is being named head coach of the district tournament team. I now live with 2 legends!!!



A mid morning, mid week date at the cafe with my son followed by a little shopping for some summer duds. It's a good thing too cuz' I would have picked out the exact opposite of what he opted for.




Miss Bit has a date with her Dad tonight to attend the Father Daughter Dance. She's so excited that she woke up dancing, as a matter of fact.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Lexicon

I sort of have a secret (call it clandestine) love affair (rendezvous) with language. I pine away after words. Some because of what they mean, others because of the way they sound, and many because of the feelings they evoke. Lexicon in one of my paramours. I can still remember the first time I was introduced to this 7 letter love of mine in high school. Mr. Huth let it roll off his tongue in the middle of English Lit. and I was straight away smitten with it's smart sound and resolute to never again resort to tired, stuffy old vocabulary.

I recently found myself in possession of Benke's Rip This Page, and I've been having fun with some of the exercises. We all know that juicy (another shoo in) words enhance the writing and reading experience. I'm opening the flood gates and spilling some of the apples of my eye and ear.


In no particular order and certainly not exhaustive or comprehensive...

gloaming
epic
pithy
poise
woe
tao
ego
coy
koi
essence
Godspeed
demur
dollop
hubris
bling
kismet
regatta
cerulean
crux
quirk
snarky
cheeky
kitsch
aplomb
anemone
maelstrom
halycon
kaleidoscope
verklempt
wanderlust
hullabaloo
hoi polloi
nebulous
maudlin
nuance
noodle
nexus
yawp
eureka
bon vivant
zephyr
siesmic
angst
alleluia
crimson
quip
quintessential
capisce
bliss
betwixt
aurora
grace
calypso
lacuna
chutzpah
muse
epiphany
peace
posey
uncanny
moniker
flapdoodle
sublime
utter
hap
whim
whir
malaise
adieu
frolic
limbo
azure
couth
gratitude
loamy
fauna
lea
bittersweet
cadence
kamikaze
sayonara
foray
flotsam
jetsam
clarity
meander
maverick
caterwaul
brouhaha
prophetic
bragadoccio
aficianado
cacophony
bouyant
lithe
antithesis
lodestar
doppelganger
panacea
panache
vevre
amen