Weekending

the days of the week are taking on an unmistakable cadence.

i can almost predict my state of mind by the hour.

it goes like this: pulse, beat, throb, swing, lilt, quell.

then the sun sets on friday and it is relief.

relief from the rhythm i have almost come to dread.

and the weather has me almost researching global warming.

mike and i went for a moonlit walk friday evening.

we both revered aloud all the stars in the sky.

it was a show.

he picked up pizzas for dinner because friday is pizza night.

i picked out a movie.

i might be banned after mother!

and we are game for obscure and controversial most of the time.

saturday plans fell through for all except Lily who went out with jess.
she gave the movie and the burger 10s.

we kept ourselves busy and entertained.

church on sunday was followed by a stop at the public market for pastries with my guys.

most days i feel a residual peace after mass, but instead i started to feel prickly and sad.

it started to snow and that got me thawing.

go figure.

by the time we gathered for sunday dinner i felt present and grateful and happy.

we all enjoyed taco domingo.

it may be a new tradition because i like the way it sounds. and tastes.

i stayed up into monday morning catching up on a fave show and watching the snow fly...

dreading the start of a new week.

feeling that time is both lambent and elusive.

rise and fall: pulse, beat, throb, swing, lilt, quell.

This is Seventeen

This is seventeen and also the perfect example of a picture's worth of a thousand words. I took this of Teddy Saturday afternoon. It was almost 2 o'clock as is evidenced by at least 3 clocks behind him. Teenagers sleep late. They sleep late because they stay up late. How late I'll never know because it's way past my bedtime. I woke him up and lured him from his cave with the promise of breakfast. I planned to reheat some quiche and warm some muffins, but he declined. He was hungry for pancakes. The bottle of syrup is proof that I have a difficult time saying no to my son. He thanked me profusely as he cleaned his plate and that's why I indulge him when I can. He can make his own breakfast, but the day will come and too soon for that. Seventeen is teetering on the brink of independence. I consider it a parenting win that he knows how to make pancakes, and my prerogative that I'll serve them up hot and buttery while I still can.

Seventeen is also being tuned in around the clock. His ear buds are like another appendage. There is no silence. There are videos and music and texts so constant stimulus. See how he cannot take his eyes off the screen? He's strongly connected to his friends and the world and less connected at home. I joke that he just eats and sleeps here, but for the most part that's true. I already miss him even as I feel a swell of pride at the young man he's becoming. Sure I wish he'd talk to me more, procrastinate less, and be a little friendlier to his sister, but he's seventeen. 

On My Mind Monday

Muffins. I've had muffins on my mind. Last week it was blueberry and this week it's these oatmeal/banana/walnut numbers inspired by Ree's mom's recipe and a single overripe banana. The kids don't love them. Ted only ate one after school yesterday when they were hot out of the oven before switching to left over choriqueso. Both kids left a lonely half on their breakfast plates this morning. I'm pretty sure they'd be a bigger hit if I put chocolate chips in them.

But I digress. Muffins aren't really weighing on my mind. Making them is what keeps me from going to the darkest places. The catacombs of self-doubt, worry and fear. I've been dragged down a lot lately by the uncertainty in my future and the paralysis I feel when I think about putting myself out there. It's white knuckle terror that comes over me, but a nagging sadness too.

Yesterday as I chopped and stirred, I thought about how these muffins, which I'll call Morning Glory Muffins, would be just what I'd serve to the guests at my bed and breakfast on a crisp fall morning. I used to dream of owning a b&b, or a bakery or a bookstore. I planned to write books: children's, cookbooks, and fiction for starters. I had so many stories swirling around my head, I was certain I could write forever. I thought that I had forever. I'm sad because I could have done any of these things. I'm not saying that they're impossible now, but I can't wrap my head around how. And I'm sad because I feel like I've wasted so much precious time. I don't regret for a single minute putting my family first for the last couple decades, but I do regret putting my dreams on hold. I think they could have coexisted and coexisted beautifully.

This tendency I have to rue and lament just makes me angry. It's a bit of a vicious and debilitating cycle: fear, regret then anger. It frustrates me because I know the importance of living in the moment. I know that the past is behind me, but I can't help myself to look back longingly. I want so badly to train my eyes on the future, but I'm scared. All of this doesn't leave me very present in the present, which is where I want to be.

But I'm working on it and it starts by naming it, owning it and facing it. It's good to come here and write rawly. Writing helps me work things out just like baking. Making this blog private was the first step towards opening my heart. I have loved this space and the times and places it's captured, but I need to feel safe and secure as I move through to forward.  

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Time to read first thing in the morning. I have to limit myself because I could spend the whole day lost in a book, but I don't. I finished this memoir this week. It was dark and uncomfortable, but Maude's story spoke to the incredible strength of the human spirit.

Now I'm reading Nourished. This author comes off as a bit haughty not humble, but it's not off-putting enough that I feel like abandoning the book. I'm just making mental notes about voice for the memoir I may one day write.

Feast or famine lately as my kitchen inspiration ebbs and flows, but this week it was feast. My family pretty much ate like royalty this week. Thursday is leftover night and it was probably better than a normal night in most kitchens. (Aren't I humble?) I clear my head when I'm busy in the kitchen. I made another batch of  Smitten Kitchen's blueberry muffins with a cup and a half of berries and a glug of vanilla this time. They were better with these tweaks.

I made a lovely bechamel sauce that was the base for a white mac and cheese from Bread Toast Crumb. The family enjoyed it, but prefers my classic recipe. If I do make this again, I will add something sharp like Provolone to the Parmesan and the fresh mozzarella. I'll also add a third of the bread crumb topping. I halved it this time and still found it a bit dry.

I finally tried this risotto. I added only 1 leek and I skipped the onion and still the oniony flavor was overwhelming. I don't think I'll make this one again as no one in my family much enjoyed it. It sure was sexy though. I plan to use the hefty amount of leftovers to make arincini.

Peanut's Yoda impersonation.

Tigger the watch-cat.

Kids and cats.

Mike and Lily are both feeling better. 

Playtime.

The kids had golf lessons yesterday. Inside. The pro was very impressed by Lily's swing and she's enjoying learning this new sport in time to join the golf team this summer.

Ted and I attended the parish council meeting at church last night and found out that they're proposing to add a youth minister position. That's very exciting for my kids.

Self-control. Being thoughtful and deliberate with my words. Excusing myself from the conversation when healthy.

Purge

I'm trying to get some work done and I keep getting distracted by Peanut. He's lying in the sun preening and purring loudly. It makes me shamelessly envious of the cat life. Even the smallest things...a ray of light, a soft blanket on his perch, a kind word...bring him visible and audible joy. I want that too and sometimes I get it.

Yesterday I got it. I had a lot on my mind, but I didn't give it weight. Instead I spent the day taking care of Lily, which brings me unmeasurable joy. Like Peanut, she didn't need much: meds and fluids, a little lunch and some company. I so enjoyed her company. I spend much time alone these days. 

Alone with my thoughts. Today marks a month since I last talked to my dad. I usually talk to him a couple times a week. I feel mostly sad about this disconnect and the things that transpired to cause it. I've talked about it and prayed about it, but I still have no answers. I'm not one to let things linger and yet here I am lingering...waiting. I'm waiting because while I have forgiveness in my heart, I feel he needs to want it...to ask for it...to know he needs to ask for it. He's always stubborn and often self-righteous. In this case, I appear to be as well so we're still in it instead of through it.

Time is so precious. It seems like such a waste. Not speaking with my only living parent makes me miss the one no longer alive. I miss my mom everyday...at least a dozen times...but lately I feel such a dark sadness for my loss. The longest I ever went without speaking to my mom out of anger was never even a day. We battled and then we moved on. Our arguments were few, but usually emotional and explosive. Never mean. Poof and gone.

Arguing can be healthy. We're are human and bound to have conflict. It's how we engage in it that matters most and makes the difference. This stalemate seems to be causing more harm. I think it's time for a mind-clearing walk.

And when I just titled this post it made me chuckle. Yesterday Lily desperately wanted to watch The Purge. My Lily who covered her eyes at any slightly scary movie trailer. I talked her into Home Again. It was feel good and that's the perfect medicine on a sick day. We both needed to take our minds off things and lighten our loads.

This is January

My husband's snoring forced me onto the couch in the middle of the night in the middle of a snow storm. He's sick. Usually watching the world whitewashed any time of day or night leaves me feeling light and warm. Early this morning it just made me blue. The peace of the world outside the picture window magnified my interior doubts and fears. I eventually slept, but fitfully.

Yesterday was a test. I passed. This means only that I am still here today. I'm here to make sense of the trials and then learn from them. I had my first job interview. My first job interview in twenty-six years. It went better than I could have hoped for. I left there certain the job was mine because I was told as much. I agonized all day over whether or not I should accept it knowing it's not the right place for me long-term. I worried that I would burn this new bridge that seemed so sturdy and sound. 

I didn't get the job. I got high praise and could hear the uncertainty in his voice when he called to break the news. He wasn't so sure he was making the right decision. I felt relief. He let me down so I didn't have to disappoint him. Of course, relief turned to regret in the early morning hours as sleep evaded me. I picked myself apart without the slightest reprieve. Rejection is cruel and harsh and unforgiving.

It rained like a sieve all day yesterday. I came home from the interview and wanted to curl up on the couch and check out. I'm feeling this way frequently these days and it's on my radar this might be a problem. The kids had the day off so I had to be on. It was probably a blessing. Lily and I went shopping for lunch and we picked up some afternoon entertainment too. The three of us made paninis and lost ourselves in a double matinee. That's as on as I could muster.

As the sun set, I did laundry and made dinner, and was feeling a bit of a reprieve from so much uncertainty. The clothes must be cleaned and the family fed. This I can do. This I love. I checked my email on an evening whim. It's just not something I normally do at night, and there was a message from my cousin. My cousin who I haven't spoken with since I was in NYC in October. The cousin I was speaking to several times a week sometimes for hours. It's an apology that reads more like accusation. It's an I'm sorry, but. Even as I've made peace with the loss of that relationship, it opened up the scars. I felt manipulated and taken advantage of all over again. It's not healthy. No good will come from joining this conversation. The things I want to say, I won't. I won't because she's passive aggressive, hostile and delusional. Nothing I say will make a damn bit of difference. Not to mention she's a lawyer and a right fighter. There's no winning rationalizing with narcissists. But that's the thing, losing touch with a family member is always a loss. There's no winning. This was another worry that visited me in my sleepless hours. I want to make just enough peace that we can be in the same room, but on opposite sides. That's tricky.

This morning we were all moving slowly. Mike wasn't moving at all. He's down for the count. I drove Lily to school: a ride she thanked me for several times, and then I took the long way home. I drove in silence and I passed only a couple cars. I stopped and took some pictures from the road all the while praying that a snow plow wouldn't come over the hill behind me and that I will find some peace today.

On My Mind Monday

Death is a strange thing. People live their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it's often one of the great motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury. some need its constant presence to even be aware of its antithesis. Others become so preoccupied with it that they go into the waiting room long before it has announced its arrival. We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.

A Man Called Ove
Fredrik Backman

I finished this book this weekend. It didn't firmly take hold of me until the last few chapters. It was a nice and predictable story. That's just not my favorite, but I did find myself getting a little attached to Ove, the consummate curmudgeon. While many claimed this book was lol funny, I didn't laugh much. The story left me feeling rather sad and lonely. Some of the passages about death, time and grief struck frayed nerves, but maybe that just speaks to where I am right now.

By the way, Peanut enjoyed the book, but then he loves any reason to cuddle.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

This morning's sky just before dawn.

A date with my guy last night. I took him to his first story slam and he really enjoyed it. Enough that he said he'd like to attend another some time. I'm telling you it's better than t.v., except for This Is Us of course.

Dinner the other night. This Spanish twist on Smitten Kitchen's sheet pan chicken. It was so easy and we all enjoyed it.

Fresh baked bread lathered with Irish butter. I'm convinced I was born in the wrong time. I would love to spend all day taking care of my house and family baking and making everything from scratch.

Room for two.

Cat close-ups. There's nothing sweeter than those faces or that nose freckle.

Snow. Finally. It snowed Sunday night and off and on all day Monday. We are seriously behind normal totals. Never mind that it's going to be in the 40s for the next few days so it's all going to melt.

Girls who ski. Also girls who are kind and brave and say thank you a hundred times for taking them.

Teddy is taking and hopefully acing his last exam right now. I was proud of the amount he studied especially for his chem exam. Sometimes I take for granted that he's a responsible, self-motivated student. So is his sister. We don't have to hound, hover or prod.

Two new books waiting for me at the library this week...my fourth and fifth of January, and Peanut for being my cuddly cat companion.

This quote from The Story of Ove:

Sometimes it is difficult to explain why some men suddenly do the things they do. sometimes, of course, it's because they know they'll do them sooner or later anyway, and so they may as well just do them now. And sometimes it's the pure opposite - because they realize they should have doe them long ago. Ove has probably known all along what he has to do, but all people at root are time optimists. We always think there's enough time to do things with other people. Time to say things to them. And then something happens and then we stand there holding on to words like 'if.'

Family sing alongs. Cousin Jim sang the Eagles and nephew Nate sang a Dylan tune. Then Gerry closed out the night with Ripple. That's a favorite of mine and it was a beautiful way to end the evening.

Progress. Slow and steady.

Self-care.

Juxtaposed: A Therapy Session

I'm in a place in time of measuring: surveying the landscape, grading the paths, mapping the course. It's not as scientific as it sounds. It's predominantly based in emotion because I'm more a feeling than a thinking person. It's both my strength and my weakness. I'm not apologizing for being pathos-driven. I'm proudly ruled by heart not by my ego or my intellect. I don't often posture, parade or play games. I do react and sometimes overreact. I also protect. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm easily intimidated when I feel vulnerable in unsafe company. Everyone can be dangerous at times. I'll protect you too when I feel that you're exposed. When you have a place in my heart, I will always have your back. I think I have a big heart, but my well of compassion dries up fast when I'm wronged. Apologize and I'm your champion again. We all act like assholes sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistreat me often and I'll retreat. It'll be a long time before you know the real me again. I'm often somewhat aloof on the outside, but always just a gooey marshmallow inside. I talk a lot because I'm painfully quiet and shy. Truthfully, I'm much more an introvert than an extrovert. I value truth, kindness, authenticity and empathy even while I have secrets, may deny you grace, try to hide who I am more than I should and don't always value you for who you are. So little in life or human nature is black and white. Life is chaotic. We are messy. 

Labels are suggestions. Or maybe tendencies. Powerful tendencies. When I proclaim something, it carries a certain weight. A heavy truth. I hear myself...that mostly critical near constant little voice in my head. It says, "You are fill in the blank." (I can't tell you...it's one of my secrets.) And then I am that. I become a slave to the label. I'm powerless against the flaw or shortcoming.

It works, although not as effectively, for desirable traits too. The thing is that I've been measuring and another word for measuring is judging. Judging tends to be harsh, unforgiving and demoralizing especially when the person being judged is your person. You by you. We all know what's said about worst critics. It makes me think who I would ever speak to as harshly as I speak to myself...I'm still thinking. 

What if I have my own back and forgive myself? Imagine the possibilities.

So it seems that I've been holidaying the months away, but that's not entirely true. I've also been healing from wounds some fresh and others inflicted many moons ago. The other day Lily quipped about me reading so much. She was joking, but it stung just a tad. It's hard to deny. I'm on my fourth and fifth books this month, and I'm not a fast reader. I was thinking about it when I was lying in bed unable to sleep in the middle of the night. My impulse was to get up to read. Before I turned on the reading lamp, the light bulb in my head illuminated: a ha! I'm reading to shut off my monkey mind. I decided to face it. It took awhile for my mind to concede, and before it shut the f!*# up it went to all the blackest places, wallowing in my darkest fears and deepest wells. I did get to sleep though, and I did sleep peacefully. I woke up a little quieter too. 

I'm taking it night by night, day by day and I'm not apologizing for that either. 

   

weekending

it was a four-day weekend for most of the family.

we filled it with fun and studying.

teddy has exams this week so he had to spend some time with the books.

although i'd say he had a good work to fun balance.

lily had ski club friday night and she had a great time at the hill.

mike and i decided to see a movie since both kids were out.

three billboards outside ebbing, missouri maybe scores a five, yet the night at least a very easy eight.

it was described as a darkly comic drama.

it was dark and somewhat provocative, but not very compelling.

i really wanted to love this too.

saturday mike and i celebrated the opening of his brother's pizzeria with extended family from near and far.

harmony pizza is an inviting space and the pies were delicious.

the entertainment, thanks to cousin gerry all the way from texas, was a treat too.

it was a warm cozy night despite the chill in the air.

we were able to rally for 9 o' clock mass sunday morning.

i believe the promise of bagels after church is what lures teddy from bed after late saturday nights.

during breakfast he was asking about dinner.

that's the story of my life and i'm not complaining.

all this working out is revving up his appetite.

he asked for twice baked potatoes. 

i talked him into pork chops too.

it started to snow sunday night.

we woke monday morning to a nice dusting of powder.

i promised to take lily and a friend skiing for the day.

i holed up in the lodge reading and people watching while they hit the runs until they were cold and tired.

i was so very happy for a good many reasons: fresh snow, new friendships, different activities and also

beauty, kindness and courage.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

My new morning routine. I give myself around 45 minutes after the morning rush to enjoy my cup of coffee and my book. I've definitely found my reading groove again. This morning I started The Book of Ove. I didn't love it immediately, but I'll keep on because it's our February book club choice, and I trust that I'll warm to it...to him.

A new dermatologist for Teddy. We went back in July to a well-respected doctor I saw in my 20s. It was not a good or professional experience. He was late (45 minutes late at 9 o'clock in the morning), rushed us, talked so fast we could barely understand him, was dismissive about questions and concerns and then charged us almost $700 before prescriptions. There was no possible way I was taking him back there. I set out to research a new doctor. I asked friends, but no one seemed to have anything good to say so I went to the Internet. The doctor I found far exceeded every one of our expectations. I'm grateful we didn't settle and that there are still doctors who see patients as people not pay checks. I've already given his name to two friends and I'll continue to spread the good word when I can.

The support and encouragement I get from my tribe.

Lily has ski club tonight.

Teddy has plans to workout and then eat out with friends.

Mike and I will get out of the house for a date too.

Snow in the 10 day forecast. I enjoyed getting a out for a couple walks this week without having to bundle up, but it's not supposed to be 60 degrees in January in Wisconsin.

Comfort food was on this week's menu. Spicy chili and a delicious chicken pot pie that was so easy and all gone.

Monday is a holiday for the kids.

Existential Insight In Unexpected Places

I woke up this morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed. I was exhausted last night and a long, deep sleep did nothing to alleviate the consumptive fog hanging over me. I felt like I was drunk as I went through my morning routine. I couldn't find my juicer despite the fact it was right where it always is, put the cheese in the vegetable crisper and forgot to preheat the oven for cinnamon rolls. Once I got the family off for the day, I curled up with my coffee and cat to read a chapter, but before long I was leveled by a blinding headache. I just woke from a 30 minute nap. A nap that was almost extended because I did not want to disturb Peanut. My headache is reduced to a dull full frontal nag now present not piercing. I'm expecting it to last the day. I'm wrapped up in the warmest throw in an attempt to rid my bones of their chill. Never mind, it's a springy 50 plus degrees right now outside. Sometimes the chill comes from within. I fear I may be coming down with something.

Something more than malaise. That has been mounting. I have low level anxiety when I have to leave the house these days, or when I have to make plans or think about the future. I'm not sleeping the day away or not sleeping, or sitting idle or immobile, but the days slip away and I feel like there is so much left undone. Time has taken me prisoner. Its passing has me somewhat paralyzed one minute and panicked the next. The only thing I had to do yesterday was get in a workout because the effect it has on my PMA is somewhat miraculous. I busied myself all day with things, some useful...others not, and then I had to rush to fit in the one thing I know I need: exercise and a shower. That's insanity.

I was so spent that I thought about cancelling the other thing I know is essential: showing up otherwise defined as getting out of my house and my head. I thought about rescheduling, but I resisted. I resisted because the date I had was with a friend who I can be real with whether I'm on top of the world, in my doldrums, or anywhere in between. We sat side by side sharing popcorn, pinots and Kleenex as we watched Lady Bird. It wasn't on my radar, but I trust hers.

This post isn't intended to be a movie review. I'm not a movie critic, although I might like to be. The thing is that we were both deeply touched by this film in different ways for different reasons. It occurred to me as we digested Lady Bird over Chianti and a Neapolitan pizza: sometimes we go to the movies to lose ourselves and other times to find ourselves. Last night I expected to be entertained. I was, but I was also challenged. Queried to take a good look at some of my own behaviors and beliefs. 

I reacted to the film as a mother and Candace reacted as a daughter, but there was one exchange that we both kept as our takeaway. The scene involves the principal telling Lady Bird that it's clear in her college essay how much she loves Sacramento, a city that Lady Bird thinks she wants to get far away from and fast. Lady Bird says, "I guess I pay attention." Sister asks, "Don't you think they're the same thing?"  

Of course: what we attend to is what we love. What we notice is what we admire. Who we make time for is who we hold in our hearts. What we fill our days with is what matters to us, or else it should be. It seems to me that living our lives with these premises in practice is the way to ensure happiness and be fulfilled.

It also occurs to me that it's one big thing to know this and another to do it. To live life by these guiding principles, takes much more than the acceptance that they're true. It takes courage, faith and commitment. I'm making it my mission.

weekending

what i absolutely adore about this time of the year is the ideal ratio of doing to being.

it's perfectly acceptable and preferred to have large pockets of quiet, cozy time interspersed with people to see and things to do.

such it was that on friday night, my brother texted and jessica called, and suddenly we had a pop-up happy hour at the end of a long short, dark, cold week.

although i wasn't quite ready to rid the house of twinkles and sparkles, the browning fire hazard of a tree said it was time to dechristmas.

one thing leads to another.

mike and i worked the better part of saturday taking down all the trees while the kids were out golfing and shopping.

then we rewarded ourselves with dinner out just the two of us.

i was up early sunday morning anticipating the treat of a girl's day ahead. 

the ladies met for a decadent brunch before the theatre.

waitress was the play of the day, and i really loved it.

we all gave it the thumbs up including lil in spite of some of the adult humor.

it was much more sweet than smutty.

we weren't ready for the outing to end so we had a parting drink at the pfister.

it was a bonus that the lobby was still decorated for christmas.

i was able to tick holiday drink off my december bucket list.

so what if it's january.

somehow i was able to serve quite a tasty sunday dinner despite the fact that i haven't been real shopping in weeks. 

my version of chicken parm, which has lots of fresh blistered mozz on top with a side of sauteed spinach.

so as far as weekends go, this was a keeper.

1. some of my favorite girls all together in a rare photo op.

2. the young ins make goofball faces.

3. the crab cake benedict was delightful. no, i did not clean my plate.

4. never one to pass up a dramatic back drop.

5. at the pfister lobby bar where time is standing still.

6. sunspot snoozes.

7. the breakwater is frozen after weeks of below normal temperatures.

8. the view of the lake michigan shore from the 6th floor of the university club.

9. lily the looker,

10. new book, new mug, old cat.

11. teddy helped me with the angle of this shot called, everything tastes (and looks) better in a cast iron skillet.

12. sugar, butter, flour. i laughed and i cried.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Giving myself this week to shift gears from be.here.now with my family to the future. This has been a week of more exercise, more water, healthier eating, meditating, organizing and planning. Transitions are my weak spot.

Knowing my shortcomings.

Room for improvement.

Patience and perseverance.

The trees are still up and I'm still very much enjoying them. Tomorrow, The Twelfth day of Christmas also known as the Epiphany, marks the official end of the Christmas season. That doesn't mean I'll deChristmas this weekend though.

After a December dry spell, my first read of the new year has me giddy to get lost in a good book again. My Absolute Darling is captivating, heartbreaking and rawly written. It could easily be a two sitting book. 

My reading buddy, Peanut, who would prefer I sit and read all day long.

That warm and toasty Ugg throw.

 Large print.

Naps.

Family dinners followed by curling up on the couch with a book or a show.

New dos for the new year. Lily and I both spent time at the salon.

Teddy has been working out faithfully for the last month. It keeps him busy and it's good for him too.

A date planned with my husband in the next week.

A girl's date at the theater on Sunday to see Waitress.