It's only the start of Wednesday and already it has been a busy week, but I'm here in the recent quiet of a newly deserted house with a few precious minutes to spare. The rest of my family is where they need to be. I'm in what can only be described as that happy place where the whole of the day ahead presents itself with all its potential. Aside from the gloaming, this is the best part of every day in my book.
Miss Bit was the first to come down this morning. She has a field trip to the EAA today and was filled with just a little anticipation. I don't even think she likes airplanes all that much, but she's excited. So eager that she was begging me to take her to school at 7:30 when she didn't have to be there until 8:00. She is likely still a tad on top of the world from her celebrated contributions to her first softball game of the season. No more outfield for our Bit. She played short and first and well, and she had a game changing run that the coach and all her teammates gave her much credit for. It was nice to see her getting the athletic accolades for a change.
T. Bone was happy to sub for a team last night despite the fact that as a substitute he must play outfield and bat last. He has to miss tonight's game for his spring choir concert. There's no question where he would rather be, but it is character building to keep commitments and sometimes do things you would rather not do. Not to mention there are something like half a dozen games slated for this tournament weekend.
I have a funeral to attend this morning. The elderly father of a friend passed on. I believe it will be a very different attitude from the visitation I attended Monday. Laid out in the casket was a 39 year old father of five. These realities do not add any clarity to my relationship with death and dying, yet there is peace and rest in both cases. Peace and relief and sadness and regret and maybe even a little joy. How is that for complex?
A hawk just flew through my yard and dive bombed a chickadee. No feathers flew. The little bird narrowly escaped the talons this time. He was lucky. I feel that way every morning when I wake up to the promise of a new day.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
2 day pass
the weekend started out slow.
friday was cool...no, it was cold and so it was the perfect night for carryout and hanging in.
we were down a child and that made picking out a movie all the easier.
miss bit chose surfer girl and we all enjoyed it...a couple of us for the second time.
then we snuggled side by side in bed and read until sleep called.
saturday the whole fam. worked well together cleaning and shopping and getting ready for evening company.
miss bit is such an eager and willing helper these days.
she chopped all the veggies for the salad except for the dreaded olives and she made perfect balls of cookie dough to be baked later.
then she planted herbs for grandma in cute little pots before it started to hail.
she gets so excited to make someone else feel happy, and could hardly contain herself all weekend to give me my gifts.
i love her generosity and her selfless nature.
the game went on despite the chilly, wet weather.
we enjoyed visiting with grandma and grandpa after at home in the warm, dry house.
they especially enjoyed the asparagus topped with perfectly poached eggs thanks to grandpa who proved that gadgets are really not needed.
i'm telling you that everything tastes so much better when topped with a runny yolk.
sunday church was exactly what i needed.
we had our favorite priest and he made me laugh and cry.
mother's day is bittersweet for me.
more sugar coated for the sweet love of my two than vinegar infused at the missing of my one.
coach and i went for our favorite coffee in a little out of the way neighborhood because it was as much about the vibe as the brew for me yesterday.
the coffeehouse was chill and earthy and organic.
the boys had an afternoon of baseball while me and my girl met some friends for a leisurely lunch.
the little girls ordered big frothy mugs of hot cocoa to warm their insides.
the big girls ordered a couple bordeaux blancs and a plate of escargot.
miss bit decided she would like to try a snail much to my surprise and delight.
she declared it yummy, garlicky and buttery.
now i have someone with whom to eat escargot.
it made me smile because my mom and i were partners in pulmonates back in our day.
crepes rounded out the meal...berry cream and/or ham and gruyere.
the day...the weekend wound down and left me mostly feeling happy tired.
friday was cool...no, it was cold and so it was the perfect night for carryout and hanging in.
we were down a child and that made picking out a movie all the easier.
miss bit chose surfer girl and we all enjoyed it...a couple of us for the second time.
then we snuggled side by side in bed and read until sleep called.
saturday the whole fam. worked well together cleaning and shopping and getting ready for evening company.
miss bit is such an eager and willing helper these days.
she chopped all the veggies for the salad except for the dreaded olives and she made perfect balls of cookie dough to be baked later.
then she planted herbs for grandma in cute little pots before it started to hail.
she gets so excited to make someone else feel happy, and could hardly contain herself all weekend to give me my gifts.
i love her generosity and her selfless nature.
the game went on despite the chilly, wet weather.
we enjoyed visiting with grandma and grandpa after at home in the warm, dry house.
they especially enjoyed the asparagus topped with perfectly poached eggs thanks to grandpa who proved that gadgets are really not needed.
i'm telling you that everything tastes so much better when topped with a runny yolk.
sunday church was exactly what i needed.
we had our favorite priest and he made me laugh and cry.
mother's day is bittersweet for me.
more sugar coated for the sweet love of my two than vinegar infused at the missing of my one.
coach and i went for our favorite coffee in a little out of the way neighborhood because it was as much about the vibe as the brew for me yesterday.
the coffeehouse was chill and earthy and organic.
the boys had an afternoon of baseball while me and my girl met some friends for a leisurely lunch.
the little girls ordered big frothy mugs of hot cocoa to warm their insides.
the big girls ordered a couple bordeaux blancs and a plate of escargot.
miss bit decided she would like to try a snail much to my surprise and delight.
she declared it yummy, garlicky and buttery.
now i have someone with whom to eat escargot.
it made me smile because my mom and i were partners in pulmonates back in our day.
crepes rounded out the meal...berry cream and/or ham and gruyere.
the day...the weekend wound down and left me mostly feeling happy tired.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
On This Week's Menu
On this week's agenda I have two funerals, a softball practice, three ball games and a choir concert. We are subtracting family dinner. The only meal I...or rather Coach will be cooking is dinner tonight. This will be our Mother's Day family celebration so I picked out the menu because I am the Mom, and made a list for him to take to the grocery since he is not the Mom.
Grandma and Grandpa will be joining us for dinner. We are serving grilled steak, roasted asparagus topped with poached eggs and pancetta, homemade onion rings and a salad. There will be no room for dessert after that meal so I plan to make a batch of candy bar cookies that the kids love. They always have room for dessert.
The rest of the week will be at the whim of the pantry and freezer and probably the concession stand at the ballpark and I'm totally OK with that.
Phoenix
Some like to say up with the birds. I'm editing that expression to be up with the cats. This morning Tigger was bound and determined to wake me at 5:40 a.m. It's Saturday and yet he succeeded. Do you know how light it is before 6:00 in the morning even on a grey day? I do now.
All week I have had to resist the overwhelming pull to stay prone in corpse position all day in my bed. Then today when I actually have the choice, I choose otherwise. Here I am. This is no profound truth, but it gives me reason to pause...to reflect. Tell me I have to do this, to be that and I resist. Give me autonomy, and suddenly I feel more flexible, more willing to do or be. I realize I'm not much evolved from my toddler self the more I think about it.
The truth is that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me in the last 24 hours. I was holding so much in, hurting, stewing and by simply sharing my burden with Coach, I feel such relief and the start of healing...the return of hope. Sometimes I forget we're a team. A good one at that. I tend to think I have to carry the load alone. That's just ridiculous because he'd carry the lion share every time, and I know that.
And the load...it hasn't changed. Not really. Not much. It's just my lessened ability to cope has darkened my mood and made the world seem like too much. No one event or encounter is the sole cause of my gloomy, overwhelmed outlook...it's many small, ordinary things. And it is true what they say: what you do every day, matters so much more than what you do once in awhile. I'm a big believer in divine dailiness. In the extraordinary ordinary. When the things that usually ground me make me feel burdened, I quickly become untethered.
Despite the fact that I'm more pessimist than Pollyanna, I go to bed every night believing that the next day is a new beginning...a fresh start...an invitation to be better than the person I was the day before. The realist I am knows that it doesn't always happen that way, but this morning I woke up ready to take the bull by the horns again. Life is not always easy, but there is good in every day. Today I'm recommitting to recognizing that good.
All week I have had to resist the overwhelming pull to stay prone in corpse position all day in my bed. Then today when I actually have the choice, I choose otherwise. Here I am. This is no profound truth, but it gives me reason to pause...to reflect. Tell me I have to do this, to be that and I resist. Give me autonomy, and suddenly I feel more flexible, more willing to do or be. I realize I'm not much evolved from my toddler self the more I think about it.
The truth is that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me in the last 24 hours. I was holding so much in, hurting, stewing and by simply sharing my burden with Coach, I feel such relief and the start of healing...the return of hope. Sometimes I forget we're a team. A good one at that. I tend to think I have to carry the load alone. That's just ridiculous because he'd carry the lion share every time, and I know that.
And the load...it hasn't changed. Not really. Not much. It's just my lessened ability to cope has darkened my mood and made the world seem like too much. No one event or encounter is the sole cause of my gloomy, overwhelmed outlook...it's many small, ordinary things. And it is true what they say: what you do every day, matters so much more than what you do once in awhile. I'm a big believer in divine dailiness. In the extraordinary ordinary. When the things that usually ground me make me feel burdened, I quickly become untethered.
Despite the fact that I'm more pessimist than Pollyanna, I go to bed every night believing that the next day is a new beginning...a fresh start...an invitation to be better than the person I was the day before. The realist I am knows that it doesn't always happen that way, but this morning I woke up ready to take the bull by the horns again. Life is not always easy, but there is good in every day. Today I'm recommitting to recognizing that good.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Grateful Friday
Today I give thanks for...
Instagram and Project Life 365. I'm enjoying the daily photo prompt even if I am an amateur photographer at best and despite the fact that my phone camera is sub par.
Miss Bit loved being a part of the school musical. She rocked her role as a leather clad Smoothie and I loved hearing her talk of future roles, albeit no solos. She should sing solos. She has such a beautiful voice. I hope she figures that out for herself one day.
An after performance date for a smoothie with my toughie. Nanny would love the way she had such attitude in her Harley jacket. I missed my Mom. She would have been beside me and beaming in the audience.
An early Mother's Day gift from a friend: a box of fancy, yummy chocolates.
Miss Bit set up her first lemonade stand of the season and she begged me for about 1/2 a second (she's hard to deny) to bake wholemade cookies for the cause. She only had 3 customers, but that didn't get her down. Of course not...our friends gave her $5. Thanks Sweeneys for making her day. I vowed to stop at any and every lemonade stand I pass this summer.
A ladies luncheon planned for Mother's Day. Miss Bit and I will join friends at a little French place for crepes and quiche while the boys play ball.
A phone call from a friend I haven't seen or talked to all winter this week. Talk of getting together soon for a walk or a coffee or maybe both.
T. Bone has found his inner prep. He is most excited about the blue and white seer sucker shorts I got him and asking for a pair of topsiders. This from a guy who has been head to toe athletic wear for years!
Spending time with family we don't often see. They came to town for my Great Aunt's funeral. She lived to be 100! T. Bone and Miss Bit enjoyed spending time with their little cousins who are 3 and 5. Despite the age difference, they all had much fun together all weekend long.
Getting a pedicure this week and then giving Miss Bit one. Pink for me and purple for her.
The furbabies got pedicures too.
A new brush.
I finished Elie Wiesel's Night. My favorite part was the prologue in which Wiesel's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech was read.
Now I'm on to much lighter material. I'm reading A Jane Austen Education: How Six Novels Taught Me About Love, Friendship, and the Things That Really Matter and listening to Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict.
Honesty and forgiveness. Heart to hearts.
Waking up before the alarm.
When my kids say, "This breakfast is so yummy!" They both did this morning. I made them scrambled eggs and grilled ciabatta. It's all about the bread.
Making a big batch of soup and sharing it with friends who need a little comfort.
A new pair of Reefs. One for her and one for me. Of course, we wear the same size now. I guess that means I got 2 new pair of sandals.
A lizard on the loose. BB has gotten braver and bolder.
Peanut isn't scared of thunderstorms or small children anymore even though he is no longer on Prozac.
My orchid continues to thrive. Three ice cubes a week and a sunny southwest exposure have been optimal.
Movie night. Coach, Miss Bit and I are watching Soul Surfer. Halfway through the movie and she's only cried twice. I did not cry when Coach brought me home a grilled cheese despite the fact that all I wanted and ordered was a grilled chicken sandwich. Sometimes I am not grateful for drive thrus!
Instagram and Project Life 365. I'm enjoying the daily photo prompt even if I am an amateur photographer at best and despite the fact that my phone camera is sub par.
Miss Bit loved being a part of the school musical. She rocked her role as a leather clad Smoothie and I loved hearing her talk of future roles, albeit no solos. She should sing solos. She has such a beautiful voice. I hope she figures that out for herself one day.
Before the show...
during...
after.
An after performance date for a smoothie with my toughie. Nanny would love the way she had such attitude in her Harley jacket. I missed my Mom. She would have been beside me and beaming in the audience.
An early Mother's Day gift from a friend: a box of fancy, yummy chocolates.
Miss Bit set up her first lemonade stand of the season and she begged me for about 1/2 a second (she's hard to deny) to bake wholemade cookies for the cause. She only had 3 customers, but that didn't get her down. Of course not...our friends gave her $5. Thanks Sweeneys for making her day. I vowed to stop at any and every lemonade stand I pass this summer.
A ladies luncheon planned for Mother's Day. Miss Bit and I will join friends at a little French place for crepes and quiche while the boys play ball.
A phone call from a friend I haven't seen or talked to all winter this week. Talk of getting together soon for a walk or a coffee or maybe both.
T. Bone has found his inner prep. He is most excited about the blue and white seer sucker shorts I got him and asking for a pair of topsiders. This from a guy who has been head to toe athletic wear for years!
Spending time with family we don't often see. They came to town for my Great Aunt's funeral. She lived to be 100! T. Bone and Miss Bit enjoyed spending time with their little cousins who are 3 and 5. Despite the age difference, they all had much fun together all weekend long.
Getting a pedicure this week and then giving Miss Bit one. Pink for me and purple for her.
I finished Elie Wiesel's Night. My favorite part was the prologue in which Wiesel's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech was read.
Now I'm on to much lighter material. I'm reading A Jane Austen Education: How Six Novels Taught Me About Love, Friendship, and the Things That Really Matter and listening to Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict.
Honesty and forgiveness. Heart to hearts.
Waking up before the alarm.
When my kids say, "This breakfast is so yummy!" They both did this morning. I made them scrambled eggs and grilled ciabatta. It's all about the bread.
Making a big batch of soup and sharing it with friends who need a little comfort.
A new pair of Reefs. One for her and one for me. Of course, we wear the same size now. I guess that means I got 2 new pair of sandals.
A lizard on the loose. BB has gotten braver and bolder.
Peanut isn't scared of thunderstorms or small children anymore even though he is no longer on Prozac.
My orchid continues to thrive. Three ice cubes a week and a sunny southwest exposure have been optimal.
Movie night. Coach, Miss Bit and I are watching Soul Surfer. Halfway through the movie and she's only cried twice. I did not cry when Coach brought me home a grilled cheese despite the fact that all I wanted and ordered was a grilled chicken sandwich. Sometimes I am not grateful for drive thrus!
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
This past week my skin has been as thin as see through sheer tissue paper. I feel porous. I feel fragile. My gossamer shell offers little in the way of protection at a time when I need added armor. I'm used to these periods of heightened sensitivity and struggle. I like to think that I'm quite adept at carrying on with life as usual even if it is a little more arduous than agreeable. I like to think that I am hiding my vulnerability and wearing my game face like I own it even if it is just a mask.
There is one person I fail to fool every time. Miss Bit is our little empath. She sees straight through my sunny smiles and happy exclamations. Are you OK? she asked me countless times this week. The past few days, she has given me unsolicited full body hugs. The kind where she wraps her little arms right around me and holds on tight for long minutes. She's telling me she loves me all the time and that I'm the best mother ever. She's having trouble again at bedtime. She fears the separation of sleep. She lays awake worrying about what happens to us when we die. She cannot quiet her mind. She cannot get to that place of peace.
Last night she confessed that she couldn't sleep because she was worrying about what would happen to us if Heaven isn't real. She said through tears I could hear but not see, "What if when we die we are gone forever? I don't want to disappear."
I told her that I believe in Heaven because I feel God's presence in my life. I have felt the company of angels too, I told her, and sometimes when I ask or I especially need them they leave me signs.
I know! I know! she said. I prayed for nights for a sign from Uncle Vic and then I got one.
Really? I wondered all ears.
When we were having lunch at Gloriosos, I saw his Pabst Blue Ribbon and I just knew it was from him.
I was grateful it was too dark in her room for her to make out my smirk. I was smiling because she's even asking for signs. And because for as long as my girl knew my Uncle he was drinking 32 ounce sport bottles of Ice Mountain not hops and barley, but he worked for Pabst and threw back his share in the day. And because she reminds me so much of myself...of the best parts of myself. She is the best part of me.
Thank you Mom. I feel so much better. I'm so glad I talked to you. I tucked her in and went downstairs to decompress.
That lasted for about 5 minutes. Then she was back beside me in despair. Her Dad gave up his place in bed for her and then she slept like a log...the long and deep sleep of the emotionally exhausted.
I woke up many times and was reassured that she was at rest. Then I prayed myself back to sleep.
There is one person I fail to fool every time. Miss Bit is our little empath. She sees straight through my sunny smiles and happy exclamations. Are you OK? she asked me countless times this week. The past few days, she has given me unsolicited full body hugs. The kind where she wraps her little arms right around me and holds on tight for long minutes. She's telling me she loves me all the time and that I'm the best mother ever. She's having trouble again at bedtime. She fears the separation of sleep. She lays awake worrying about what happens to us when we die. She cannot quiet her mind. She cannot get to that place of peace.
Last night she confessed that she couldn't sleep because she was worrying about what would happen to us if Heaven isn't real. She said through tears I could hear but not see, "What if when we die we are gone forever? I don't want to disappear."
I told her that I believe in Heaven because I feel God's presence in my life. I have felt the company of angels too, I told her, and sometimes when I ask or I especially need them they leave me signs.
I know! I know! she said. I prayed for nights for a sign from Uncle Vic and then I got one.
Really? I wondered all ears.
When we were having lunch at Gloriosos, I saw his Pabst Blue Ribbon and I just knew it was from him.
I was grateful it was too dark in her room for her to make out my smirk. I was smiling because she's even asking for signs. And because for as long as my girl knew my Uncle he was drinking 32 ounce sport bottles of Ice Mountain not hops and barley, but he worked for Pabst and threw back his share in the day. And because she reminds me so much of myself...of the best parts of myself. She is the best part of me.
Thank you Mom. I feel so much better. I'm so glad I talked to you. I tucked her in and went downstairs to decompress.
That lasted for about 5 minutes. Then she was back beside me in despair. Her Dad gave up his place in bed for her and then she slept like a log...the long and deep sleep of the emotionally exhausted.
I woke up many times and was reassured that she was at rest. Then I prayed myself back to sleep.
After a toast or two to Uncle Vic after his funeral.
Monday, May 6, 2013
On My Mind Monday
This is enTERtaining! They are super good!
Miss Bit
Watching DWTS with my best girl. Her best girl is Zendaya. I am rooting for Kellie Pickler. I needed a quiet night just the two of us. I think she needed it too.
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