On My Mind Monday

Today I am happy to find myself sitting on the ground wanting nothing to do – no, not even wanting it, simply accepting that I am enveloped in nothing to do. I begin to understand how nothing to do is its own state of grace, difficult to find deliberately, nearly impossible to recognize. Nothing to do means I can sit and look and let my mind wander, then empty, then fill again, with wonder or with grief, with anything or with nothing at all. “Nothing to do” is not the same as “Nothing can be done.” One is hopeless; the other, the place from which hope becomes possible.

Dominique Browning

Slow Love

I think if we all took the time to quiet our minds, we'd fill our hearts and hope would abound...happiness would prevail.

two day pass

(this photo so perfectly captured the essence of the day)

(today the wings were down thanks to the wicked wind)

(the view from the back of the museum is a masterpiece all its own)

(uncanny really when life imitates art)

(love the simple shapes and bold colors)

(but this chagall is my ultimate favorite...my man's too)

(miss bit soaked it all in)

(she thought these nudes were "weird")

(and she was sure she could create this on her very own)

(our resident degas)

(miss bit fancied this chihuly for her room)

(inspired by Leger to take on our mosaic project)

(a little andy)

(cliffs constructed entirely of buttons...the kids called it "cool")

(unique and different mediums stretched the littles' minds)

(this protrait was made completely from...)

(combs!)

(the infinity chamber was a favorite from my childhood...it's still entertaining children and thus, living up to its name...defying the test of time)

(miss bit adored this bottle cap bunny and renamed the piece bunster)

(t. bone sized up the janitor and questioned who was real and who wasn't the rest of the visit)

(miss bit had a little lamb...little lamb...little lamb)

(taking on the trombone...and quite well i might add)

(t. bone tackles the tuba)

(the only sun we'll see today)

(my kids wonder if there is anything i won't take a picture of...no)

this weekend i finished one book and started another.
i laughed so hard i almost cried watching the 1st season of modern family in its entirety.
both littles had sleepovers, but on different nights so someone was pretty much dog tired the whole weekend long.
we didn't see or hear from t. bone for 24 hours whilst he was away.
miss bit was gone only a few before calling home in tears desperately missing us.
she stuck it out though after her dad gave her a pep talk.
the kids each brought a friend to the movies.
don't even ask how we were hoodwinked into paying money to see hoodwinked too.
we spent almost as much on snacks as the movie tickets, and we even smuggled in some drinks and candy.
after that no one was really hungry for dinner, but we whipped up an old tried and true... chicken marsala and a new worthy contender...broccoli with asian sauce just for good measure and a bit surprisingly they paired well together.
the wicked wind knocked the power out across the street causing quite a raucous in the hood.
it was still cold and gusty today so we headed to the art museum after church as planned.
it was a very popular destination this morning for many.
we each had our own very different favorites.
try explaining beauty is in the eye of the beholder to a sleep walking 6 year old, or art for art sake to a know it all, i mean, wise beyond his years 10 year old.
she was a little beside herself that certain pieces qualified as museum worthy, and he was happy to play blind man walking and name that piece with his dad.
t. bone and miss bit made some music while we there too.
they each played the recorder, flute, tuba and the trombone.
we headed north up the lakefront in search of some lunch having worked up an appetite during our scavenger hunt through the galleries.
our great lake was awash with frothy white caps.
we ended up at a local diner/institution the kids had never been to before.
t. bone was happy because he got pancakes with a side of fries and miss bit was beside herself because she had a side of bacon with her chicken tenders.
we hurried home to finish homework and progress on procrastinated upon projects.
now she's celebrating with friends at a birthday party and he's running around with his band of boys.
sunday dinner is cancelled because we just finished lunch.
the way i look at it...i have a couple precious hours of lost time and there really is no better way to end a full to the brim weekend.
i'll take it thank you.

20 to 1 Meme

I came across this meme on a well-written, thoughtful blog I visit from time to time yesterday. I thought it might be telling so I'm giving it a try.

20 years ago I...

1. Graduated from college with honors and without a compelling plan for my worldwide future.
2. Moved back home with my Mom, bought a car, and got a job.
3. Traveled to Hawaii for 3 wonderful weeks with my hubby who was then my boyfriend of only a couple months.

10 years ago I...

1. Was blessed with a beautiful, bouncing baby boy.
2. Spent time every day with my Mom who was as smitten as I was by his sweetness. I was rather caught up in her too after having my first child and understanding for the first time the organic nature of a parent's love.
3. Felt scared, helpless and hopeless after 9/11.


5 years ago I...

1. Was the mother to 2 perfect children...5 and almost 2.
2. Was in graduate school pursuing my elementary education license hoping to change the world the best way I knew how.
3. Was profoundly happy and immensely fulfilled.


3 years ago I...

1. Lost my Mom.
2. Lost my mind, quit school, and felt lost.
3. Survived.


1 year ago I...

1. Travelled to beautiful places like Vail, Bermuda and Cape Cod with my family making memories.
2. Was visited by my Mom in the presence of a spiritual medium and was the happiest I'd been since her passing.
3. Obssessed about the warp speed, relentless passage of time, and worked hard to live life in the moment.


So far this year I...

1. Am trying to take the bad with the good and learning how to find joy even in times of sorrow.
2. Am thinking all the time about what comes next. Next in this life, that is.
3. Spending time reading for escape and enlightenment and entertainment.


Yesterday I...

1. Took my son to his first middle school activity.
2. Sang loudly all the way to work without a care in the world and felt my pulse ramp up when I reaized, in a few short months I'll be in the audience listening to Rickie Lee Jones sing in front of me.
3. Breathed a sigh of relief after a long, busy, rat race of a week.


Today I...

1. Stocked up at the grocery store, which brings me an abnormal amount of peace, pleasure and satisfaction.
2. Went to the movies with my family and ate popcorn for lunch.
3. Smiled, laughed and loved a whole lot.


Tomorrow I...

1. Will attend church with my family.
2. Am excited to visit the art museum for a little creative culture.
3. Plan to make a sinful, soulful Sunday supper.



In The Next Year I...

1. Want to have many more pink days than blue.
2. Refuse to sweat the small stuff.
3. Plan to continue striving to be the best person, wife, mother, daughther, sister, friend, woman, writer, traveler, baker, being that I can be.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off last Friday night. My hubby and my brother know the script by heart so they coughed and carried on during all the right times so T. Bone and Miss Bit didn't hear the wrong language.

Fog. The mysterious low lying clouds are obscurring my view today, but the haze has lifted from my head. I am clear of mind and light of heart.

Pink. Maybe it's because weather defying I'm dressed mostly in my favorite happy color today. Pink is really much more than a color though...it's a state of mind!

Pretty pedicured toes.

A reassuring middle school orientation last night. I really liked the principal and everything he had to say. I think that it is going to be another good year of growth for my almost 10 1/2 year old... almost fifth grader.

Activity night tonight at the middle school. The transition has begun.

T. Bone is leaning toward taking French rather than Spanish and signing up for choir instead of band. I'm seeing a new side of my son...Renaissance man and jock.

An undefeated baseball team and an offer extended for the current coach of the Sox to coach the tournament team.

Sweet corn with plenty of butter...real butter...and salt. Mmmmm!

Birds of summer. This week alone I've seen blue jays, bluebirds so blue they take my breath away, a falcon on the hunt and orioles too in my yard.

Blackberry banana and raspberry mango smoothies this week, and my in-laws for bringing such a delicious and varied fruit platter for Mother's Day brunch. We've been enjoying the leftovers all week.

Plans to go to the movies and to visit the art museum over the next couple cool and cloudy days. I'm excited to see what my kids think of Chagall, Warhol and Wyeth. I am excited to share stories about Lautrec and Picasso.

Plans to take a long walk this evening and then watch the entire first season of Modern Family on loan from the library.

Tomato sandwiches on whole wheat toast.

My spider spying cats and my spider squishing husband.

Games of Family Feud on the I Pad.

18 days of school and counting!

The Lonely Road

The lonely road is often synonymous with the high road, but I'd really rather be lonely than in bad company. Cryptic? I know. I'm sorry. I have been disappointed by many people in my world lately. Stunned, snubbed, hurt, chawed, neglected, stepped on, stepped over. I've mostly kept my complaints to myself because I've been trying to rise above them. I've been trying to not let them get the better or best of me. I've even been wondering if it's not just me. But after a period of heady self-reflection and much careful contemplation, I am ready to condemn others and pardon myself. I can exonerate myself because here I am the judge and the jury. The end.

Well, not really...there's more. I was proud of myself last night because a situation played out at the ball park just the way I anticipated, and I did not react. No, it wasn't just a matter of turning the other cheek and keeping composure because it didn't even bother me. I laughed inside, said fine by me and moved on. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that this acquaintance looked me dead in the face and did not greet me. I waved, she looked straight through me and Miss Bit. I get it that she can see that I have had my hair done since the last time I sat in her chair so she now knows she has lost a customer, but I'm also pretty sure she knows why. It's because she's a manipulative, nasty mean girl and I'm not interested in being part of her posse. Look, I avoided cliques in high school so I'm not about to get caught up in them now. What brought me sick satisfaction was seeing the exact behavior that repulses me about her so stark and severe. It was all the confirmation I needed to take a seat on the other end of the stands far away from her. It felt like freedom. I'm in utter bliss that I won't have to hang out with her and her entourage every week during Miss Bit's game.

Here's the thing...I'm as innocent as I can be whilst knowing that it always takes two. It's always shades of gray. Should I have been direct and told her that she was fired and why? Perhaps, but it just seems, well...mean. Could I have played nice and made excuses to soften the blow? Sure, but she would have reacted the same way if not worse and I would just be playing into her games. I'm not at all interested. Am I over-reacting about what could just have been oversight on her part? No, I'm telling you this woman is the primo puppeteer and I've had her number for such a long time. As far as I'm concerned, it's her loss not mine.

Our paths will continue to pass and I'll go on being friendly, albeit somewhat more guarded as well. That's who I am...that's what I do, and no guile-filled Gepetto is going to change that.

And just for the record...I wasn't lonely. I stand by what my Mom always said: "If you can count your good friends on one hand, then you are lucky." Lucky to have a few true fristers than too many friends to count.

2:23 A.M. Ramblings

I've been thinking in fragments. Expressing myself in incomplete sentences. I either fixate on the big picture with few juicy details or else I'm overwhelmed by the minutia...the rich shards of rapid fire sensory experiences...unable to synthesize the random bits and pieces. Either I have a compelling main idea...a convincing topic sentence, or nothing but supporting points and nitty gritty. All meat and potatoes, and no gravy. Strong nuts and bolts, yet no essence of expression. It feels something like stuck, and it doesn't feel good.

It's like the dream that woke me moments ago in the middle of the night and in the middle of my REM sleep. My Mom was on the 7th floor, but the elevator only went to the 6th. There were no stairs. There was no possible way to reach the 7th floor. This is the second time in as many nights I've had this dream. One doesn't need a psychology degree to analyze that one. Can you feel my frustration? Is it palpable?

Yet my prayers were answered twice in the last 24 hours. (I must confess that lately my prayers are more like wishes.) First, I prayed for rain so baseball would be cancelled all the while knowing I wouldn't be getting Mom of the year for preferring my couch to the stands. The rain came baby, only just a little early. Miss Bit's first game of the season was a go. My girl got 3 solid hits, and wondered aloud why she could only take first. "That's weird," she decided. When the game was over, she declared a victory despite the fact that every kid on both teams ran around the bases 3 times. I didn't object to her claim because I'm rather in agreement that it's about time for the everyone is a winner and everyone is a great ball player to end. At some point, these sweet and adorable kids need to start learning how to actually play baseball, not how to play nice. At this point in his baseball career, T. Bone was already being groomed for the infield.

Later I prayed for a Sox victory. That one was delivered right on time thank you kindly. We played a team with which we have a heated rivalry so the win was extra sweet and tasty. For the record, the good guys won. It had much to do with the way the team is coming together after a couple of games of real play, and also with the coaching. The coach just happens to be my man you know. Oh, and if you were sitting in the stands cheering the Sox on, you might also gather that T. Bone is largely responsible. I kid you not that I heard, was told or asked the following:

• As he pitched the last inning living up to his moniker, The Closer: What do you give him? He's so poised and calm on the mound? (That from a Mom who had just confessed that she recently started taking antidepressants.) Let's see. Before the game he had a bowl of mac & cheese and a helping of fruit salad with a glass of milk.



• He's E.'s hero. Who am I kidding, he's our hero too. Woa Nelly...he's a 10 year old little league player!



• Someday I just know we're going to see him in the MLB. Well, actually he's not sure that he doesn't want to play for the NFL or NBA yet. We'll keep you posted, but don't come out of the woodwork for any tickets now you hear.



• Beside being a great athlete, he's such a nice, nice kid and a great team leader. Thank you, you do know his Dad, right?



• Is there anything he's not good at? Actually, setting deadlines, percents, remembering to not only clear the table, but put away the dishes too, being patient, being quiet, often being nice to his sister oh and not winning so just you wait.



• I think he and my daughter have a thing. You know they're sitting next to each other for the 4th time this year? Can he come over and play after school tomorrow? As long as you supervise them and promise not to rush them off to get hitched because I don't know if you noticed or not, but his real true love is baseball...and his Mom.

Sitting there subject to all this flattery and flapdoodle, I recognize that my son is an amazing ball player and an all around great kid, but that's just it...he is a kid. Hello! These parents are putting a whole lot of pressure on a 10 year old boy and he puts plenty enough pressure on himself. I'm not going to lie: tonight he made it look easy to strike out the other team 1,2,3. Ok, and he also had a couple solid hits and he knows where to be when, but that's beside the point. He's calm, cool and collected because a. he's winning b. he knows what to do and c. he's confidant that he can do it because he's done it again and again and again. Don't dare say I never spilled any secrets of success here for you.

I'm always sitting in the stands beaming with pride with white knuckles and one eye closed. It's the story of my life. It's part of being a Mom and #1 cheerleader. And on that note, I suppose I should get some more sleep so I am ready and able to play front row fan again tomorrow. Truthfully, there's no place I'd rather be...not even my couch.

two day pass

the holiday gathering scheduled for sunday kept me well occupied the rest of the weekend.
i welcomed any and all distraction.
every.single.one.of.them.
shopping, baking, cleaning and restoring order to my newly painted house to name just a few.
we slept in just a bit sunday morning, dropped the littles off at church for class and walked straight up and along the lake.
it was a beautiful morning...the best weather of the weekend...and a very welcome change of scenery.
we arrived home with just enough time to put on the finishing touches before company arrived.
i think every single guest came bearing flowers.
the best of the best in my book...daffodils, hydrangeas and snap dragons.
sadly, my quiche crusts were mushy.
that'll teach me to change up the crusts and then serve them to company.
everyone claimed they were yummy, but i think they were just being polite and hungry.
in the end it's not about the food, or maybe it's just a bit about the food and mostly about being together.
the kids were sweetly a little excited to give me my gifts.
miss bit made me a cheery vase and picked out a hydra belt for my long sweaty walks.
t. bone gifted me a plush pair of slippers since he absconded my old pair.
it's like having pretty clouds on my feet and hopefully they won't disappear since they're pink.
i was touched by both their cards and, of course, cherish them most of all...the cards and the kids.
we worked off the brunch with a game of wiffle.
it was the girls and hubby against the boys, and it was a tie.
i was the only player injured.
i fell in a little hole, rolled my ankle and got grass stains on my jeans.
i should have had a pinch runner.
just call me grace.
family left after a very fine afternoon in the early evening.
t. bone magnanimously suggested that they take me out to dinner for hot wings on mother's day.
he settled for frozen pizza, raspberry custard and the amazing race, and he was happy about it too.
miss bit was pleased as well after consuming a pound of bacon and a pint of strawberries over the course of the day and little else.
i was in bed not long after my littles, counting my blessings and blissfully happy that this day full of so many bittersweet emotions was done.
i survived it mostly with a smile on my face thanks to my littles and so many lovelies.