Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for the peace of mind that comes from clearing my emotional cobwebs and moving forward from pains of the past.

Last night my Aunt called to tell me that she was at a fund raiser with an old friend of mine…an erstwhile neighbor, a one time soul sister, my one and only maid of honor, the Godmother to my only daughter, a woman to whom I no longer speak. And there are lots of reasons, slights, and transgressions for the silence between us today, but that’s not what I’m grateful for. The lapses in judgment, both hers and mine, don’t deserve reverence and that’s for sure…forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me.

What I am celebrating is what I learned about friendship and what I have come to know (and in many ways I’m still learning) about myself as this relationship turned toxic. She was the first person to call me soul sister. I remember even as the words rolled off her tongue freely, that they took me by surprise and didn’t feel all together right. She uttered them loud and proud and often, until even I started to believe them. But then something else came in clearer…thou doust protest to much, or in this case...thou doust profess too much.

It’s no secret that actions speak louder than words. Her role in our relationship was lacking in verbs altogether, but it just took me awhile to see it. Saying all the right things and doing few of them doesn’t a solid friendship make. Let us love not in word or speech, but in truth and action.

And when my going really got tough, well she got going fast in the opposite direction. That made me angry, then sad, and then angry again, but all that is in the past now. Now I am at peace over what transpired and I am grateful for the lessons I learned in the long run. I have a feeling that she’s throwing her arms up in exasperation feigning cluelessness over what happened. But she knows. And I have a feeling that she’s blaming my grief for hardening my heart, but I know that my sorrow has opened it up and softened me in ways immeasurable. The pain I have endured has multiplied the rich relationships in my life fivefold, and the only thing that makes me sad that she’s no longer my "soul sister" is the fact that I’m not sad about it at all.

Tuesday Talk

Neither T. Bone nor Miss Bit are eager to leave the comfort of their beds this morning. It's a rainy, gray, windy day so I get it. The heat was on this morning for the first time in I cannot even remember how long. On the other hand, I'm feeling energized by the gloom and not because it's congruous with my mood. Today my disposition is actually sunny. It's just that I have a long to do list to tackle before we become islanders very soon. Coordinating attire and packing for four people is a time consuming task.

This nasty weather just may spare us from a ball game tonight too - 1 of 6 in 7 days so the rain out would be a welcome reprieve. Miss Bit had her first game E-V-E-R last night. The Sharks, it turns out, are pretty good hitters. Miss Bit got hits each of the 3 or 4 times she was up at bat and ran around the bases in the right direction and in the right order all the way home. Fielding is another story. If the kids are paying attention and not digging in the dirt, singing and dancing or daydreaming about a game on another field, there still is no guarantee that they'll get the ball that is rolling right to them. If the cosmos align and the ball ends up in their gloves by way of divine intervention, they treat it like a hot potato and fire it away all awry and willy nilly. Let's just say that everyone gets a hit, everyone gets a run and everyone wins. At the end of the game, Miss Bit had a big smile on her face as she asked if they won, but she was just as happy to hear that the game was a tie as she sat on the bench flanked by two of her besties.

Today is a pivotal day for my hubby. He hands in his last paper, and officially completes the road to his MBA. He made it look easy although I know for a fact that it wasn't. Especially difficult was the neverending effort to balance work, family and school, but he did an awesome job and I am beyond proud. He left the house in a tie this morning...more to come on that, but again I'm filled with pride.

The kids are still not stirring so I have to go back up and coax them out of bed, and make mine so I don't give into the urge to crawl back in.

Mother's Day

At church this morning Father T. made a point of not just recognizing mothers, but each and every parishioner because everyone has a mom. I thought that, quite simply, was nice and true. After the crowning of Mary during today's mass, which T. Bone and Miss Bit took part in, my mother-in-law was all set to go light candles...one for her Mom and one for mine, but every single candle had already been lit. Both of our eyes welled up and over in that moment. There are just so many people who are missing their mothers. There are just so many wounded members of this club no one wants to join. For the first time since I said "goodbye" to my Mom a year and a half ago, I was able to really embrace the fact that it doesn't matter when you lost your mom...whether it's been decades, years, months, days...it still hurts deep within in ways you cannot fathom until it happens to you.

I didn't lose myself to the sadness though. Partially, because I've felt my Mom around me so much in the last month and also because I'm lucky to be loved by T. Bone and Miss Bit - my sweet souled children who wanted nothing more than to give me a happy day. How could I not oblige them?

And how could I possibly feel sad to wake up next to Miss Bit and a beautiful sunny day. She smiled at me with still sleepy eyes and a banner case of bed head. We snuggled together in the same bed all night during a sleepover at one of my favorite people's...my Aunt's. T. Bone eventually made his way downstairs and straight over to me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and to offer me the top of his head for a kiss. He didn't even think to complain about wearing "handsome" clothes to church today. They both remembered the cards they made and the flowers for their Sunday school teachers not only in honor of Mother's Day, but the last day of Sunday school. Miss Bit's teacher recently miscarried, and it was obvious to me for the first time that T. Bone's teacher will be welcoming a new little one soon. How can we ever understand the mysteries of motherhood? How can we explain the connections between mothers and children living and dead?

Miss Bit squeezed into a pew in the back of the church with her "church" friends, and T. Bone sat between me and his Grandma in our usual spot up front. We all reunited after mass for lunch, cards, and gifts at our house. I'm happy to report that I got what I wanted...tickets to Jack Johnson! Just go on...go on!

T. Bone had a late afternoon baseball game. The Red Sox won. He's now humbly referring to himself as "The Closer," but so are a lot of the Sox fans (parents). During the inning that he pitched, one Rocky got on first and he struck out three more quickly...confidently. My brother came out to cheer on the team despite the fact that he had very little sleep the night before whilst celebrating his bachelor party. He too wished me a Happy Mother's Day and then asked how I was doing. It felt strange to admit, "OK." He admitted that he was feeling a little bit blue. The Mom in me wants to take his sadness away, yet I know how impossible a feat that is...only his Mom could do that.

My little family of four gathered around the dining room table for a quick dinner of hot dogs leftover from last night's boy's bbq and corn on the cob. Then we retired to the family room for The Amazing Race. At the end of this day, I can say that it was a good day. I am happy and I love and am loved...you can read it below for yourself.

A note to my Mom!

I just want you to know...

I love you with all my heart!

You are the BEST MOM in the world!

You put a smile on my face, and you make the best brownie sundays.

I love it when you come and cheer me on at my baseball games.

I want you to know you will always be my FAVORITE mom!

I love it when you take us on vacations and I can't wait until the next trip to Bermuda!

You will always shine in the sun and will be my favorite Mom!

Love,

T Bone

My Special Mom

My Mom is the most wonderful

Mom in the whole world!

She's as pretty as a budrfloi (butterfly).

She weighs 50 and she is 40 feet tall.

Her favorite food is bagGo (bagels).

When my Mom was little, she use to plaiu (play).

I think that my Mom looks funny when she Jrs is up (dresses up).

But I know she's really angry when she wenses (?).

I wish my Mom would gev me kad (give me candy) everyday.

I wouldn't trade my Mom for kotnkad (cotton candy).

By, Miss Bit

Grateful Friday

Today I give Thanks for...

Neighbors. Our neighbor replaced the oversized kitchen storm that came crashing down free of charge (she works for a glass company). It's the first casualty thanks to a wild ball.

The boys went to T. Bone's baseball game last night.

While the girls stayed in for a night at the spa.

Peace, love and polka dots!

My watchcats.

Breakfast al fresco. How mentally and physically empowering an hour of kickboxing is.

My Mom...my rock who I know will be with me on Sunday.Five year old fashionistas!

Unsent letters. Free therapy.

My hubby is 1 paper away from his MBA! 6 pages to go!

Time with T. Bone going through his school memorabilia in search of a family tree he made. We both enjoyed a quick trip down memory lane.

T. Bone made his own sandwich and packed his lunch this week. It's time to encourage him to be more independent. He's ready even if I'm not!

The fort fight has been forgotten and there is relative peace amongst the neighborhood boys.

Lilacs abloom.

Thick skins. I've never been one to be dull and inpenetrable, but numbness and protection have their merits.

Frick and Frack. Peanut gives new meaning to scaredy cat. He stares down a racoon on his patio without a hiss, but hides beneath the couch when the doorbell rings. Tigger on the other hand thinks he's a dog. He growls at the repairman, then he sniffs him, and then he supervises what he's doing.

Sharing a Hershey's chocolate bar with almonds with Miss Bit...her first.

Lately when T. Bone sees me with my camera he asks, "What are you taking a picture for your blog or something?"

A new little Liberty of London bag just for little old me and the perfect necklace for my dress (so what if it was almost as much $$$ as my dress!) Now if I could only justify the matching bracelet, which is more $$$ than my shoes.

The 30 Somethingesque feel of Parenthood, which I recently discovered and have been enjoying.

T. Bone and Miss Bit have their last Sunday school class this week until programs resume in fall.

The idea that there is a story in everyday. We just have to find it. I do.

On a Wing and a Prayer

Sometime between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. Tuesday morning after I finished my insomnia induced post, I decided I was ready for bed. As I made my way from the family room to the stairwell, I noticed that there was a light on in the kitchen...a light I was 99.9999% positive was not on when I made my way downstairs in the pitch black dark. Not to mention that it was the overhead light which we almost never use. Take one guess who it is I blame for that and note that I wasn't the least bit phased.

I wasn't phased, but it did get me thinking in the moments before I fell asleep about a conversation I had with my friend while our daughters frolicked in the yard Saturday evening. We were catching up and filling one another in on our recent goings ons so of course I had to divulge my channeling experience. She's open minded and Christian, and while she found my encounter intriguing, she had many questions. Questions I could not and cannot answer. Questions I don't need to answer. Questions I don't even want to answer.

I don't feel the least bit compelled to answer these questions because I quite simply and whole heartedly believe. My faith is not scientific. My beliefs are not technical, methodical, logical or empirical. My beliefs are intuitive and instinctive. I don't have to have the answers because I trust that HE does.

And here's the thing...I'm a girl who likes to be in the know. I want blue prints and itineraries and guarantees. I don't like surprises. What ifs and unknowns leave me unsettled and unstable, yet in surrendering my need to know I am filled with peace and harmony. That is precisely how my faith has been able to take flight.

Big Littles

It's been the ordinary everyday things that have brought happiness, levity, and lightness to these last couple days. Ordinary things like long walks at the start of the day. There's really nothing better to clear my mind than pounding the pavement for a few miles. When I'm walking, I'm alone in my head moving forward on auto pilot. It's different than running. When I'm running, I'm thinking about my body...obsessing about stride and gait, fixated on inhaling and exhaling, consumed with my route and distance. I may feel like I have cleared my head when I'm done, but it's only because my endorphins are on overdrive and I feel so good I simply don't care. I run to escape...I walk to confront.

Usual things like preparing meals for my family and chores. Pancakes for breakfast. Sandwich making 101 with T. Bone. There's an art to spreading the condiments on just the right way so as not to pulverize the bread, there's technique to layering the fixings. Toll House cookies with a twist fresh baked for today's after school snack. A Cinco de Mayo supper. Fresh smelling laundry baskets filled with baseball uniforms and lots of pink and purple. Running my fingers through Miss Bit's clean washed hair as I dry it. The scents of a house well lived in.

Regular things like baseball practice and den meetings. This week the boys focused on heritage. We dug out the family tree T. Bone made in K5 and were both saddened by how many loved ones we've lost in the three years. When he stood before his fellow bears, he was articulate and composed and adorable. All the parents were invited to this meeting - I was the only one who came and I'm glad I did. Miss Bit and I joined the boys for a rather diverse spread: challah, matzo ball soup, sausage and Norwegian cookies. We learned something about everyone.

Average things like hitting McD.'s drive thru on a warm night whim for a cool dessert. As we waited in line to order our ice creams, T. Bone wondered if I'd get one. Then he coaxed, "Come on Mom...you should get one." It seemed of utmost importance to him that I be one of the kids so I did. They were so sweetly smitten with their 49 cent vanilla cones. So excited that you would've thought I took them to Italy for gelato! It was my first McD.'s cone and it was good!

Familiar things like homework and bedtime stories. Multiplication bingo with him and beginning Charlotte's Web with her. I read it to T. Bone when he was 5 too. He acts like he's hanging in my room to play with the cats, but he's really nostalgic for a little Fern and Wilbur, and just maybe storytime too.

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. (Antonio Smith)

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME(S)

It was a beautiful baseball filled weekend. Beautiful as in perfect sun-kissed summer days in spring, and beautiful as in victorious and fun-filled. T. Bone had back to back games Saturday (10-9) and Sunday (13-12). One was truly more exciting (and nerve racking) than the next. Although he's a younger player on the squad, he's definitely a leader calling plays and talking up his teammates. He's confident in his role as catcher rarely letting a ball go by, and focused in his role as pitcher striking out the top of the Marlins line-up and holding them after a quick three outs. He's got such a love of the game (not to mention a great deal of talent) that it is contagious.

He came home from his game Sunday afternoon and headed straight out into the yard to play catch with his Dad and his sister who is practicing for her summer career as a Shark. It sounds more ominous than it is seeing as how the team is mostly made up of 5 and 6 year old girls toting pink mitts and pig tails. This is her first team sport save for micro soccer which we don't count since the coach taught them mayhem instead of mastery. Not surprising...She had a slight case of the nerves. In between bites of pop tarts on the patio, I caught T. Bone playing catch with her and giving her pointers...being so patient and proud and pumping her up. It was a sweet big brotherly deed, and it worked because when we arrived at practice Saturday morning she ran right onto the field and never looked back. She was even more eager come practice Sunday. Her first game is next week...should be cute, and probably a little long since they'll be lucky to get hits and get on base not smacking the ball into the outfield and stealing them.

When we weren't cheering on the Sharks or the Sox, we were spending time with family and friends. We had company each night for dinner and/or drinks and it just really felt like summer. It also tasted like summer. Sunday night we had grilled ribs and burgers, sweet, buttery, salty corn on the cob and juicy watermelon. The kids didn't even have room for the giant cookies my brother brought them for dessert so they packed them in their Monday lunches.

After all the excitement, I didn't sleep much last night. It turns out that was a blessing because I had a lot on my mind and needed the time to think. It was cathartic to give weight to the thoughts looping through my brain and the feelings hurting my heart, to feel the heaviness lifted, and the comfort of renewed clarity. Of course, I fell asleep just in time to be woken by the birds starting their day just before dawn. I was so exhausted tonight that I couldn't keep my eyes open to see the end of an hour long show that's twice had this effect on me, and yet here I type at just after 2:00 a.m. wide awake again. Ugh! Insomnia...it's such a lonely, restless, desperate thief. And then daylight comes and I've got people who need me even if I've only slept 40 winks and so I've got to get up and come back to life. I hear my Mom bravely saying, "It is what it is," and I hear Matt Nathanson singing, "All we are we are and every day is a start of something beautiful." They're both right you know.