Therapy

I'm sitting here this Saturday morning staring at the blank screen not sure where to begin. I have so much on my frazzled mind and so much in my tender heart that I want to work through and share. It was another intense week of work learning a new business and all of their processes. It's starting to stick and make sense, which boosts my confidence. I can see that it won't always be this frenzied and complicated, and that means I can imagine the day when I'll have a better work/life balance again. There will be time again soon for the things that really fill me up...keep me sane and healthy.

I came home yesterday and curled into my favorite chair. I had to nudge Tigger out because he's taken a shine to it too. Normally, I wouldn't disturb one of my boys even for my own comfort, but all I could think of was not thinking for an hour. I watched this week's episode of This is Us. I think it was the first time ever that I didn't shed a tear while watching that show. I'm emotionally spent too. Or maybe my meds are working. I have to admit I feel lighter. At a time when my inner critic could be harsh and harping, I have not been inundated with an onslaught of negative messages.

I should probably clarify that some of my meds are working. I went in for a BP check the other day and my numbers are still elevated. I didn't break down or freak out. The doctor adjusted my very low dosage and said to come back in a week. All I know is that I feel better so something is working. This only means that when I'm properly medicated, I'll probably be able to take on the world and not just my life. All of this is huge. I don't often do doctors or take medicine. I've realized that is just stubborn and stupid.

I have work to do today. I need to put in some serious time on this freelance project and I also have to give some serious thought to whether or not I continue. I don't want to take on too much. If I'm being honest, a great deal of the stress I felt this week was from the deadline of this project. So much has changed in my life in the six months since I first started talking to Jen. Much has changed in her life too. She's a dreamer. Big dreams and she envisions this being wildly successful. But there is so much uncertainty and so I need to invest in my day job. The thing is that I don't want to let her down. I don't want to deny the dream. I can't take a huge risk either. She's wired the way I am and she is picking up on my reservations...on my hesitations. I think I am just going to have to have the difficult conversation with her where I put it all out on the table.

I can do hard stuff. It's the one thing I've learned this year. No, it's one of the things I learned this year. There have been many.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Surviving the week. I took this silly selfie this morning to show that I am still upright and almost smiling.

That orange scarf. It's my favorite and I always get compliments when I wear it. Orange is my color. It looks good on me, but it also makes me feel good and fierce and sassy.

While I set my Burberry scarf on fire while stirring a pot of pasta the other night, I was able to put it out without causing harm or damage. And it was just a fake. I mused about how I put out fires all day long and then came home and went up in flames. We had a good laugh.

Jess joined us for an impromptu dinner Thursday night. It was nice to reconnect. She has a lot going on right now too and I feel like I haven't been there for her the way that I want to be.

Mike is transitioning into his new job. He's ready for a change and I'm proud of his promotion.

Our red doors. I wasn't sure about the color we chose. Reds are hard. But it's perfect and I cannot wait until they are all done. We have a lot of exterior doors. Hopefully, Mike will finish them this weekend.

Tigger, my shadow.

Peanut in his favorite place.

Pat and Candace got some good news today and I'm praying they get more next week. They are do.

I finished When the Lights Go Out this week. It's the second Mary Kubica book I've read this month and the last I'll ever read. Cannot say why I read two because I cannot give either book more than a 2. Now I can start a new book.

Fall. I'm not savoring October the way I usually do, but it is still my favorite, and I happen to think it's been beautiful. Crisp and colorful.

Seeing the sunrise. I didn't take many pictures this week, but I did manage to capture the sky at daybreak a couple times and while the sun rises every day, it never gets old.

Whirlwind

I was  up early this morning. My mind already racing. The kind of monkey mentality that is persistent, and thus, uncontrollable. When I sat down with my book, I may have been reading the words, but I wasn't retaining them. I was surprised to see the sun. Every forecast I heard this week predicted rain and wind. It cannot be a coincidence that as I sat down to write here a front moved in bringing wind and clouds. The kind of wind that reminds me of the sound of big surf. If I close my eyes, I can convince myself I'm ocean side. It's why I'm titling this post Whirlwind.

This week was one lived at full tilt. There were moments of excitement and fear and exhaustion. So much transpired and just as much did not. There simply weren't enough hours in the day or days in the week. There was the constant feeling that I was just spinning my wheels...getting nowhere. I couldn't relax. I could only go go go and then crash only too wake in the wee hours thinking about how I didn't have time to sleep.

This all comes with the territory of a new job, which I started Monday. There is a massive amount to learn so that soon I can run this office smoothly, and yet I believe I will get there and that I'm meant to be here. You see I discovered that the wonderful person I'm replacing knew my mom. I knew Sue was there to help me and that she would, but she's now an angel in another way. It's serendipitous. Invaluable. Significant. 

I'm also scared that I've taken on more than I can chew with my freelance work on top of this job and my household duties. Oh and my life too. For the most part I have the freedom to work when I can or want with this project, so I feel like any 'free" time I have should be spent logging hours for it. So it's a vicious cycle right now. And I tell myself that this will calm down. I'll assimilate. I'll arrive at a new normal. I'll be able to read and write and exercise again and soon. That I'll be able to enjoy my life.

Girl Power

This is my favorite picture of these lovely girls all dressed up and ready to go. What I love about it is that they look all grown up, but they are obviously still silly and playful and sweet. They got ready together, joined some more girlfriends for dinner out and then all went to the dance. Lily confirmed Teddy's description: it was too crowded and hot and the music was meh, yet she discarded her heels and danced. She had the most fun before: primping, eating tacos, just being together.

The plans were uncertain and then they changed numerous times, but it all worked out and she was with her closest friends for the occasion. And I'm really proud of these girls because they are inclusive and kind. Lily said yes without hesitation to including an erstwhile friend who has not shown her the same goodness in the past.

Numerous friends asked if I cried when I saw her all dolled up and the answer is no. I didn't feel sentimental. I felt happy for her to be where she was. It felt like a celebration of friendship and that only made me smile.

 

 

 

Veni, Vidi, Amavi

I'm up early on this Saturday morning. That's a deliberate choice...I set my alarm. I do this because I like Saturdays to last extra long. It's a beautiful sunshiney day, but the yard is covered in frost. We had to turn on the heat last night. I've resorted to wearing my Ugg slippers and we curl up under afghans. Yes, even the furry cats. This is October.

It's funny...I'm in between books right now so I came here to write instead, but I didn't really have anything to say. Just sitting here though I have so many things come to mind that I cannot type fast enough. That's why I write. It's a release. It's therapy.

It's Homecoming week. Both the kids were at the chilly game last night. Lily's excited for the dance tonight. She's going with girlfriends and quite happy about that. Teddy is boycotting. The dance is "boring and the music is bad." These attitudes speak to exactly where they are right now. She's embracing everything and he's got one foot out the door. She's in the season of firsts while he is all about lasts. And all I hear is a dueling chorus of be here now and years are minutes in my head.

He shared his personal statement with me the other day. It was well-written and thoughtful. I've been nagging him about deadlines and responsibilities. He's been bucking back with how he always get things done despite being a procrastinator at heart and how he's almost an adult. I guess it's time to trust that...him. And also myself. That I've raised a fine young man.

I was writing a letter to him yesterday in the journal I keep for him. His whole life is espoused upon in a series of leather-bound books. I think five in total. In this particular letter I confessed to him the biggest parenting regret I have. I wish that I'd done more to foster a relationship between my kids. They don't fight (much), but they're not close. They annoy each other. He tolerates her. She yearns for his acceptance. I always chalked it up to the four year age difference and the boy girl thing, but I'm not sure that's it. 

I came across another journal this week. I found the words I wrote when I was living with my mom as she was dying. While it is unbelievably difficult to go back to that place...to relive it...I am grateful that I can. It was a time of incredible pain and deep love. A time of hard lessons, grace and blessings. Whether or not I read my entries, I remember everything. It's part of who I am today.

I started blogging shortly after my mom's death. I've been keeping a diary or a journal since the time I could write, but blogging was different. It wasn't just for me, but my family. I don't know that they'll ever read it, but they can if they want to. It's my attempt to immortalize the mortal. It's evidence: we came, we saw, we loved.

On My Mind Monday

"What did my father teach me? He taught me, don't expect too much. We had been in the sunroom when my father first told me this. I was just twenty, too old for some things, too young for others. Same as any age."

~ Jeanne McCulloch

All Happy Families

I finished All Happy Families over the weekend. I liked it, but it didn't sit well with me the way the author pries and prods into the marriages of her parents and her in-laws, and then just glosses over her own, which also failed. For that reason, it lacked the honest self-reflection that I think is a must for an authentic, compelling memoir. She took everyone to task, but herself.

Then I picked up The Good Girl despite the fact that I read the jacket and thought I'd return it without reading it. I got sucked in stat by the short chapters from different POVs and the familiar Midwest setting. It will be a quick read.

Last week I finished The Wife. I read it because I wanted to see the movie. I'm thinking I'll pass now and wait for it to come on ppv. This is the only line that gave me pause:

"Maybe that was what it was like to be a writer: even with the eyes closed, you could see."

Joan's personality and her actions just don't make sense to me. They're juxtaposed. Given her steely sense of self,  I found her subjugation unbelievable and her situation implausible. Not to mention, they were both terrible humans. I couldn't sympathize with her any more than I could with him.

In between, I've been slowly making my way through Deborah Levy's The Cost of Living. It is touching lots of nerves. For example...

"My own unhappiness was starting to become a habit, in the way that Beckett described sorrow becoming a thing you can keep adding to all your life...like a stamp or an egg collection."

weekending

after a visit to the er friday morning delivered relief and a hefty dose of atavan, i slept most of the day and much of the night.

lily had a friend over and ted went out with friends.

saturday i woke feeling better than i have in as long as i can remember.

i greeted the gray day with my stack of books, coffee and cat companions.

that alone would've made my day, but then mike and i motivated for a walk.

it was surprisingly pleasant outside.

i begrudgingly agreed to take lily shopping for a homecoming dress.

not happy because she has a beautiful option hanging in her closet and i knew the mall would be slammed and that likely she wouldn't find a better dress.

i was right about the dress despite the fact that she tried on like 20 dresses and they all looked great on her whether or not she liked them.

i was wrong about losing my temper over her indecisiveness and unreasonable expectations.

it is apparent to me that we aren't at our best when we shop together.

we hit the mcd's drive thru on the way home.

it was a peace offering.

teddy left midday for madison for the night.

he went with some friends to attend the badger game and get a taste of college life.

they hung out at a the theta chi house with an older brother and then crashed at his apartment and while i know i have a good, responsible kid, i thought about him all night long.

prayed over him too.

mike went to watch the game with a friend so jess came over for dinner.

i made ny strips in my cast iron skillet that were the star of the meal.

3 girls...3 steaks...few leftovers.

she helped us pick out shoes for lily's dress.

lily trusts aunt jess's opinion much more than my own.

thank god for zappos and aunts.

today i was up early and back in my spot with a new book.

it was an easy day around the house.

i did lots of laundry and made a batch of banana muffins.

i took a plate to sylvia.

she loves baked good treats.

we had dinner together and then i almost beat her at scrabble.

the debate of the night was can zen be pluralized?

zens?

i held firm on no because that would have been the end of me plus it cannot.

it's hard to leave my family on sunday night, but i do enjoy my time with sweet sylvia.

i showed her a picture of my two and she lit up like a christmas tree.

"you have beautiful children," she said, "and i can tell they're good kids."

teddy lazed around all day watching football after his madison jaunt.

lily went to play powder puff against the sophomores.

i'm ready for the busy week ahead.

i have appointments and dates all week.

life is full.

life is good.

life is good and full.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The bond these two share. Having her back in school has been quite an adjustment for him. This is a welcome home series.

Tenderloin sandwiches. It was what was for dinner Saturday night for me and my  Lily. I don't usually cook steaks. That's Mike's job. Although, it may be my job now because I sort of nailed these.

Tigger at the table keeping me company while I cook.

It's definitely felt like fall here this week. It's starting to look like it too!

And smell like it. I made the first crock of beef stew Monday. Happy Birthday Grandpa! I remember fondly many beef stew dinners around your table. Every time I make it, I think of you!

A Million Little Things. I wasn't feeling it for the first 30 minutes, and then I felt it way too much. It's been added to the queue.

Anxiety the Missing Stage of Grief is on its way to me as I type. I expect this to be a an enlightening read for me. My mom has been gone for exactly a decade and 1 week. I've often mused that these stages aren't linear or ever exclusive. I still experience them all, but acceptance is my usual state these days, and the heightened levels of anxiety I deal with are definitely related to losing my mom when and how I did.

I've come so far with my technology skills lately. It doesn't come easy for me so I'm proud of myself for taking initiative to learn new things and persevering when things get tricky. I have a new level of confidence in my abilities.

Tigger and his tunnel. He's recently obsessed with this old toy. When it's collapsed and he cannot lay in it, he lays on it. Such a lovable goofball this one.

The goodness that comes from the farmer's market bounty. I was about to make my usual Wednesday morning trip when I realized I still had a fridge full of fresh produce that was in need of attention. I had more than enough. As I chopped and shredded and stirred, I meditated on the concept of enough. On having enough, doing enough, being enough.

Roasting eggplant, tomatoes and garlic for a simple sauce. So delicious blended with EVOO and basil then served over rigatoni or some other tubular pasta and topped with fresh Parm and toasted pine nuts.

I also made an old favorite zucchini gratin and had my first go at strawberry jam.

Cozy cats. These are their late afternoon spots.

Three walks this week. Two on beautiful days. The third during a deluge. I left and the sky was just spitting, but at the point furthest from home it started pouring. I was drenched and chilled and just so aware of the fact that my stubbornness is what put me in that state. No look at the doplar, no rain jacket, no change of route, A long, hot shower solved everything though. 

I felt like there was a dark cloud over my head for much of this week. Today I got out from under it. It took courage to face my fears head on, but I'm so grateful I did. My heart is good.

The chest pain I had on and off all week mimicked a heart attack. I saw myself not waking up or keeling over without warning. It was paralyzing. I was so scared to get bad news that I stupidly tried to ignore or explain away the symptoms I was experiencing. And then this morning I realized how selfish I was being. I had Mike take me to the emergency room. The episode that was going on 45 minutes abated suddenly as soon as we parked the car. Of course it did. They took me right back, hooked me up to an EKG, ran a blood panel and did a chest X ray. The results showed that my heart was good...perfect. The verdict is that blood pressure spikes are causing the discomfort and that is being addressed. It's something I should have addressed a long time ago. Hello...stubborn. Imagining my life cut short made me realize how much I've yet to do, say, experience. The relief I feel from getting help and feeling better makes me realize how important self- advocacy and self-care are.

weekending

this weekend was a respite.

mike was up north and teddy was mostly off with friends.

that left the girls.

it was rainy and cool so we did some shopping (tj maxx and lululemon), watched some movies (greatest showman, adrift and the strangers: they prey at night), and just stayed cozy and warm inside.

truth is i was perfectly content and it was just what i needed...books and naps and baking.

it was a treat to hang out so much with lily.

she's home less and less these days, and even when she is here, she holes up in her room.

lily and i left only for church and a quick stop sunday.

teddy never left the couch.

mike made it home.

we had sunday dinner the star of which was a pot of homemade mac and cheese.

ahhh...if only sunday could last for ever.