I have been missing my Mom this week more than usual. I find myself in utter disbelief that she is gone many times a day. It is the unfathomable reality that I just cannot wrap my mind around these lazy days of summer. It's like a tasteless joke, a bad dream or someone else's unfortunate loss. Only it's not.
When I'm trying to make sense of it all, I have to literally stop my thoughts and distract myself so that I have the strength to hold it together and go on with my day, my week, my month. It is almost a year since she passed and I think some of the milestones upon me are taking my grief to a whole different place. Does it make any sense when I say that I am coming upon the last of the firsts? It soon will be the one year anniversary of our last family vacation. My daughter will be turning 5 without her Nanny to spoil her sweet. I'll be celebrating 40 without my best friend. My Mom will never turn 61.
After September 28th, it will be a whole year without my Mom and we will be experiencing everything without her for the second year. I feel it the way that animals sense a storm before the skies change that the second year has potential to be even more difficult than the first. As if that is even possible! The truth is that I have been in survival mode. Now that the shock has worn off and I am trying to be more present, I realize what that means.
Today I am finally able to put words to what has been brewing beneath my surface. I think it has everything to do with the company I kept last night. The friends I enjoyed the beautiful summer evening with are all women I know I am lucky to have in my life. They cried and laughed with my Mom. Now they laugh and cry with me. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and I love spending time with them, but sometimes when we are all together I miss my Mom something fierce. Rose was right, "She should be with us."
So who are we? a multi-generational group of larger than life women. Kathy's Gals includes two of my Mom's childhood friends, four women we worked with, my sister-in-law to be and my childhood friend. Most of these relationships span decades. I have yet to hear the origin of the moniker, but I know that my Mom asked each of them at some point and time during her final days to take care of me and my brother, and it's a promise that they take very seriously. Seriously...we should all be so fortunate to have sisterhoods of guardian angels holding our hands here on earth. These ladies give the Ya Yas a run for their money, and the book I some day write about them may make me lots of it...money, that is!
When I'm trying to make sense of it all, I have to literally stop my thoughts and distract myself so that I have the strength to hold it together and go on with my day, my week, my month. It is almost a year since she passed and I think some of the milestones upon me are taking my grief to a whole different place. Does it make any sense when I say that I am coming upon the last of the firsts? It soon will be the one year anniversary of our last family vacation. My daughter will be turning 5 without her Nanny to spoil her sweet. I'll be celebrating 40 without my best friend. My Mom will never turn 61.
After September 28th, it will be a whole year without my Mom and we will be experiencing everything without her for the second year. I feel it the way that animals sense a storm before the skies change that the second year has potential to be even more difficult than the first. As if that is even possible! The truth is that I have been in survival mode. Now that the shock has worn off and I am trying to be more present, I realize what that means.
Today I am finally able to put words to what has been brewing beneath my surface. I think it has everything to do with the company I kept last night. The friends I enjoyed the beautiful summer evening with are all women I know I am lucky to have in my life. They cried and laughed with my Mom. Now they laugh and cry with me. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and I love spending time with them, but sometimes when we are all together I miss my Mom something fierce. Rose was right, "She should be with us."
So who are we? a multi-generational group of larger than life women. Kathy's Gals includes two of my Mom's childhood friends, four women we worked with, my sister-in-law to be and my childhood friend. Most of these relationships span decades. I have yet to hear the origin of the moniker, but I know that my Mom asked each of them at some point and time during her final days to take care of me and my brother, and it's a promise that they take very seriously. Seriously...we should all be so fortunate to have sisterhoods of guardian angels holding our hands here on earth. These ladies give the Ya Yas a run for their money, and the book I some day write about them may make me lots of it...money, that is!
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