Human Nature and the Weather

Last night violent storms blew through our area. No sooner did the kids get home from school before we heard the sirens and headed to the basement. I went back up twice. The first time to get my boys (cats) and the second time to get my Mom (urn). It's funny how drastically the last year...the past eighteen months...have changed what is most important to me. I mean my family has always been number one, but other worldly things were close runner ups...now, not so much. They are all replaceable.

We sat in the comfort of our basement while the storm headed over the lake. It was lucky. I realized how ill prepared we are for the real deal. Heck, we're hardly prepared to lose our power. Sure we have flashlights, but who knows where they are or if they have batteries. We have a wind-up radio, but it's tucked in a random drawer or closet. I stopped buying candles because of my curious cats and got rid of matches once I had fearless kids. It made me think how denial can render us desperate when disaster strikes. Stunned as if to say "No not me. I didn't see or hear this train wreck coming. I wasn't prepared for this." Truthfully - there is so much in life...so much pain and sufferring...that we can never adequately prepare for. We cannot live in fear, for then we do little living. I think it is how we survive really. To hope for the best while insulating ourselves from the worst. Just never allowing ourselves to go there, but then sometimes we have no choice.

I had a very low moment on Sunday when I chose to answer the phone.

An old friend who once was like a sister to me...a friend I have lost contact with... called out of the clear blue. She was going to a local church fair and was remembering a time when we had gone years ago together with my Mom. A time I didn't remember until she started sharing it with me. A smile came across my face and a tear filled my eye at the memory. She was thinking it would be fun if we could all go. I tried to dodge the bullet by telling her I had a houseful of company, which was true. I was numb though because of the realization of the reality that she didn't know was mine. We chatted a little, but I was trying to hurry the conversation. Sensing that she said, "Can you just tell your Mom I say 'hi?' I miss her so much." Without thinking or feeling I said, "So do I. My Mom died in September." Then I started to cry uncontrollably. I don't think I'll ever get used to that admission. I don't think I'll ever be able to say it without feeling like I've been stabbed and I can't breathe. I don't think I'll ever fully believe it.

I also don't think I'll ever understand why people who know us both and who knew what happened never told her when my name came up. Human nature and the weather...two things we are always at the mercy of. Two things I'll never fully understand.