Polestar

 

The other night I surprised a hummingbird when I went to fill the feeder. The little guy's wings whirled furiously and he stopped in mid-air returning my gaze. It felt like more than a moment before he shot off across the yard. He was so close I could have scooped him up. This morning a big fat hawk surprised me when he soared from beneath the trees. I was glad he wasn't after me. When I cross the river every morning on my way to work, I look left and right surprised that the foliage is still verdant green up and down the banks. One day and soon I will start seeing the autumn colors sneak into view.

I get such pleasure in paying attention.

This is the time of year for noticing things, for presence, for gratitude. It's time for slowing down, lingering and letting go of the burdens we carry as we count our blessings and open our hearts to grace and goodwill.

Believe me...we don't have to wait until November to be thankful, or December to be joyful. 

We can't wait until we achieve our loftiest goals to feel gratified. We'd be waiting forever because we live in a world that does not understand the beauty of enough. More is always consumed, coveted, celebrated. We can't hold out until we have no pain to feel innate happiness. We'd be living in lifelong darkness and what a tragic waste that would be.

Every day has its struggles and its fortunes too. I find that the heaviness of the hard things often outweighs the levity of the bright spots, but only if I let it. Yep, it's a choice.

The world is a mess. This country is in crisis. My city is chaos. 

But.

My neighborhood is full of peace. My family and friends are my tribe. My house is a haven. The sun rises every day and the stars shine at night. These are the things I'm going to pay close attention to.

 

 

Calm in the Storm

September is carrying on its tradition of high highs and low lows. We joyously celebrated my dad's 75th a little over a week ago and then we sadly said goodbye to my 82 year old father-in-law days later. The ebb and flow of life and death have been in-our-face present these days. One reminds us that we're born dying and the other that we better get busy living. As we witnessed Paul expire, it was said and felt that he lived a good life. There is peace in that because an end to sufferings after a life well lived is a blessing. We grieve and mourn, but we also celebrate the man he was...a good man. Just ask anyone who knew him.

My favorite thing about my fil was his quick wit and dry sense of humor. Yes, even upon meeting me for the first time when he lovingly calling me a hussie. I had on shocking pink lip stick and I turned a deep crimson red being after called out this way in front of the family I was determined to impress. And while I never wore that shade again, I have told this story often and fondly. You see if Paul teased you...he liked you. The two of us were known to banter. I am so going to miss that.

As the word has spread, we've received so many attestations to his spirit and his character. He was a jolly presence at any gathering, befriending everyone and raving about the food no matter. He was always gracious. If a game was on (any game), you'd eventually find him in front of the television and if cards were mentioned, he'd be all in.

He leaves behind four boys who will continue to carry on in the tradition of being good men. They gathered in crisis this week to support one another and their mother and they will all be stronger for it.

After the trying week, we escaped for a quick 24 hours to Windmill Beach. I was surprised Mike was up for it, but he welcomed the change of scenery, and Lake Michigan does the soul good. My brother and sister-in-law took care of us. They made us dinner and then brunch the next day. We watched the Badgers lose and the Packers win. We took a long quiet walk on the beach littered with dog and deer prints Sunday morning and I decided cool breeze and clouds be damned...I would swim. That galvanized everyone else so I had to go in even after I changed my mind. I'm glad I did too because a Sunday swim in late September is better than church for clearing the head, jolting the heart and soothing the spirit.

The next time we stay at the beach, the house will be very different. Construction starts soon and I'm excited to see my brother and sister-in-laws plans off paper. It will be an even more fabulous retreat when we return in spring.

We made it home just before a raging storm blew through. Shortly after settling in we received this picture from Windmill Beach. It felt like just the universe sign I so needed.

 

Heavy

I woke up this morning just before a storm rolled in. The sky was swollen and gray and the air heavy. It's the kind of day that is perfect for being quiet. Thunder boomed, lightning flashed and a siren wailed in the distance. The lights flickered and all three cats were on high alert, but I felt a peace in my bones. I am a pluviophile to my core. They settled when they felt my vibe. I threw my hair in a bun, put on my favorite sweatshirt that happens to say weekend vibes despite the fact it's Tuesday, and found my most lived in jeans. Comfort was my goal. 

I skipped my lemon water and went straight to coffee. I sipped it in solitude as I waited out the driving rain. This weekend we celebrated my dad turning 75. Tomorrow my mom would be 74. This is a tricky stretch for me every year filled with highs and lows. I honor them all. We feel pain so we can know joy. We experience loss and then learn to hold our loved ones closer. We laugh, we cry, we hurt, we heal, we give, we take, we question, we answer and at the end of it all that is life. To know one is to know the other.

I've been so wrapped up in the chaos of moving two kids to college that September's focus was on a different kind of grief. And also relief. Usually, Labor day passes and I start to feel laden with so much emotion. The totality of my mom's last month 14 years ago has left me with deep samskaras. The muscle memory is powerful. The heart is a muscle after all.

Dare I say I almost felt a tinge of guilt that I wasn't sad enough. Just writing this I know how ridiculous I sound. I miss my mom every day. I have been dreaming about her every night lately. Those muscles again. I know she is with me and a part of every experience I have. And I know she wants me to celebrate life not belabor her death.

Lord knows, I will die trying.

 

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

A week of solitude. The timing was right to have a week to myself.

Peace in my bones.

Mike comes home tomorrow and I'll see my kids on Sunday.

We'll gather for my Dad's 75th birthday. I have some fun things planned and a gift I know he is going to love even though he says no gifts. I'm in charge of salad, mac and cheese, cake and entertainment. I take my tasks very seriously.

A chat with Lils this week. She was upbeat, happy and not even stressing about Spanish despite the fact she claims to be a little out of her league. She's joined several clubs thus spreading her wings. She intended to join the club golf team until she found put she was the only girl. I can't blame her.

What I know about Ted thus far is that he is hooping a lot,  golfing on Fridays and playing chess every night with one of his roomies. Oh and both of their ovens haven't worked since they moved in. That's 5 guys and 1 microwave.

I got up and out twice this week for a workout at the start of the day. I'm positive that decision is responsible for my glass is half full attitude all day today. This morning I met a beagle pup named Lola and I think she was a definite mood boost as well.

Family Secrets podcast is back and Dani Shapiro is releasing another book, which I pre-ordered so I can be a part of her upcoming writer's workshop. I've been in a reading slump all summer long so I'm looking forward to the release of Signal Fires. She's one of my favorite storytellers. I can never put her down.

The other thing that is making me very happy is Moroccan oil body and hair products. I smell the scent and I feel so zen. It is another mood booster. We came across a fragrance when we were at a salon recently and I bought it for Lily. It smelled so divine on her that I had to get a bottle for myself.

When Mike is gone, I often make a tuna casserole. It's nostalgic for me, but he doesn't share my fond memories of this childhood meal. That being said, I no longer use Campbells soup or American cheese although I have nothing against American cheese in other dishes. I divvied it up and gave one to Candace after our happy hour the other night. It makes me happy to cook for my peeps.

A long chat with my uncle this week. He's someone who misses my mom as strongly as I do. A trip across the lake is in our purview.

It's still summer here. The most sublime part of the season...filled with beautiful days and cool nights. Nothing is better.

Time to go apple picking. 

The first monarch of the summer. I crossed paths with the beaut this morning.

A rare picture of all three kittens.

 

Dear Lily

 

I've been thinking about what I want to say here in honor of your milestone birthday. I have told you personally my most important and intimate thoughts. You aren't often in the mood to talk these days, but when you are...when we do, we have good ones.

Newly 18 and headed off to college makes for a big year. You are young in years with an August birthday, but an old, deep soul. I 'm a Leo too so I was in the same position, but I didn't share your level of self-awareness or self-confidence at this point. Both will serve you well as you navigate the often exciting and sometimes challenging times ahead.

 The very best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut and to be true to yourself. The power of instinct has rarely served me wrong and I believe you're wired the same way so always listen to that little voice in your head, that feeling in your bones without worry of offending someone or overreacting. Use your voice, your words, your safety alarm. Don't do anything just to fit in or because you feel pressured. Use your common sense and your moral code to guide your decisions. I trust you. Trust yourself.

Don't laugh, but the thing I worry most about is how you're going to live in a small room with two other girls. You're used to your own space with double closets and you haven't had to share a bathroom since Teddy went to college. It will be a fun experience, but there will be tests as you navigate quirks and schedules. Address conflict head on with only the party involved, be considerate and by all means don't leave piles of clothes everywhere. And remember, I had to share my shoe box sized room freshman year with my roomie and her 6 foot inflatable T Rex we had zero space for. As a sophomore, she moved in first and commandeered all the desirable places, but what I remember most is the way she looked out for me. Sure we had beefs, but that just comes with the territory.

 You are a particular eater and I also worry that you won't find enough healthy food choices even as I know that the options you have are so much more palatable than when I was in school. I pretty much lived on bagels, popcorn and late night pizza my first couple years. What I mean is be flexible. Eat apples if there are no berries. Yada yada,

This could probably go unsaid, but go to class. You are there by choice to learn. It's a privilege less than 1% of the world population enjoys. No less than 52,000 other applicants wanted to be where you are. Get to know your professors. You have seen first hand the way that has benefited your brother. And do not put pressure on yourself to decide what you want to do. You have time. Enjoy the exploration phase.

 I don't doubt that you'll intentionally make the most of the wide world before you. You are the perfect storm of mind and matter. You are bright and determined, but also thoughtful and keen. I used to worry that as an empath, someone who feels things profoundly, you might have a hard time putting yourself first, but you have proven me wrong. Instead I find that you consider your head and your heart together to guide you. That balance gives you confidence in your convictions. In every relationship, decision, disagreement, fork in the road, high and low this yin yang will serve you well.

I almost wrote that I cannot wait to see what your future holds, but that's just a platitude. I love where you are right now. I will be cliche and tell you that I'm immensely proud of you though. Proud of who you are more than what you do, but I celebrate that too.

You are my baby girl, my favorite daughter and my beloved friend.

I am the luckiest mama in the world.

I love you Cutie to the moon over Madison and back.

XO,

Mom

P.S. Sorry this is late. I've been a little busy.

 

 

weekending

 

Our first weekend sans kids was a good one. While we miss them, we still have and very much like each other. It's a little silly because it's often just the two of us...the kids are busy, out and about...but it feels different. And after the gearing up for sending them both off prepared, there is relief. Fewer nerves and to dos and we're being kinder to one another. It's nice.

We motivated for a walk first thing on a sunny Saturday morning. Well, it was more like late morning because we slept in. Then we detailed, washed and waxed all three cars, which meant our workout continued for a couple hours. Mike watched the Badgers lose with Pete and I ran some errands before we met back at home for a quiet night in. We thought about going out, we tried to rally, but we were too content to stay home. I am an unapologetic homebody these days. We ordered Chinese and settled in for a double header. It was perfect.

Sunday I wanted to get up early, but it was a chilly and gloomy day. I think I could have stayed in bed all day. How I love a rainy Sunday! After a string of errands, I baked a cake and made my new favorite salad to bring to a family gathering at my in-laws. I also love Sunday kitchen inspiration and people to share my creations with. It is definitely an adjustment cooking for just the two of us. Shopping too. I was surprised by the charges I paid for a half empty cart of nothing fancy or special...$150 for the basics. Thanks Joe.

The kids both had good weekends going to the game and out with friends. We'll see them Sunday for my Dad's 75th b-day celebration. I may be counting down the days and I may have to bring Gus.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

 

An end to the packing, moving and unpacking. At least for now. 

 

 This week the only thing I ordered from Amazon was for me. (And the cats. Their Halloween costumes are definitely for me.)

The hardest goodbyes. Lily was not as smitten with Gus as the rest of the fam...world. She is the forever champion of the underdog and Gus was the high cat. This summer though, they totally bonded and she can no longer deny her adoration for our gray goofball. So I'm grateful that they don't allow pets in the dorm because she would probably want to take him. Oh and Hazel was having nothing to do with hugs that day.

Tradition, legacy, culture, spirit, rite, pomp, precedence, history, success. Lily's in that W somewhere!

First roomies and now friends. These three are off to a swimming start and that is beautiful music to my mama heart.

Old friends, the first game, school spirit and that she thinks to send me a couple snaps even on game day.

Lily actually goes to the games. Ted sold most of his tickets Freshman year once he discovered it was a money maker. Lily is fully immersing herself in the experience. Maybe she'll be Bucky one day just like her dad.

I got the first panic call this week. She had her first Spanish class and the majority of her 30 classmates are fluent. I had a flashback to my first Spanish class in college. I was completely overwhelmed with our first task which was to read a novel. When I asked if she felt like she needed to find a different class, she said no without hesitation. She said that this will be her challenge, and then she wanted to get right off the phone so she could get to work.

 

Lily has been at school less than 2 weeks and she has already found the laundry room. That's something Teddy never did his first year. I just hope she's not doing a single pair of her favorite shorts like she used to do at home.

He does laundry now and he also cooks. Monday was his last night home so he made his signature pie which we have named Serranamo. It's a spicy pizza topped with hot sausage, slow roasted garlic, wilted broccolini and of course, serranos. Although Monday we had to substitute habaneros. He made tiramisu for dessert. It was a lovely treat and a great last night.

 

I do believe Ted's room was once the dining room, but we made it functional and cozy.

Teddy has gotten serious about his future fast. He has plans and goals, but he also has a good balance of work hard...play hard. He's a great storyteller, he has the memory of an elephant, he stokes his passions, he thrives on making connections and he never stops dreaming and scheming. 

This week's cat candids. Thank God for these three.

A Freshman and a Senior

Yesterday was the final move: Ted to Madison. Back to Brooks Street, but in a new house. Today was the first day of classes. My son is more of a procrastinator than I am. I watched the sunset in my review mirror as I drove east to home. It was stunning. I was thirsty, hungry, tired and happy.

The first three are obvious as it's been a long couple weeks and a very long day, but I need to explain the last. The opportunities my kids have are hard earned, but they are also great privileges. None of this is guaranteed. We can work hard and still not get what we want. We can try and not succeed and we can succeed and still not be happy. Both Teddy and Lily are at the University of Wisconsin where they want to be (it was Lily's first and last choice). They are serious about studying and personal growth. And they are both very happy.

Lily met us at Ted's house. It's only been a week, but I felt like I hadn't seen her in much longer and I think she felt the same because she let me hug her extra long and only slightly poked fun of my enthusiasm. Ted was the last of the guys to move in (see above) so his roomies all helped unload the van. In anticipation of using their muscles, I brought a homemade meal for their first, or maybe last supper depending on the way you look at it. A batch of cookies too.

We got his room somewhat situated, but I could tell he was anxious to be with the boys who had a sudden urge to start putting the living room together. After he got the perishables put away (1 frig for 5 guys! One bathroom too!), we traveled the 2 blocks to Lil's dorm to deliver the important things: a better mirror, her fan (all 3 girls are simpatico with their air machines), berries, watermelon, more protein bars and a few other things. Her room is cozy and not just because it's 500 sq feet with 3 girls' worth of gear. They have a little sitting area, mood lighting, fun little touches.

I didn't stay long. I was parked illegally and Ava was napping. Lily and Faith were eager to get some dinner and not in the mood to go out. Lily walked me to the car and that allowed for a brief chat during which I learned that she is getting on great with both her roomies, and both excited and nervous for school to start after a week of very busy free time. I know she's craving a return to routine...a sense of normalcy. There were long hugs, but no tears upon parting because I will see her in a little over a week.

What's not to be happy about? ( I think the Amazon driver will even be happy to not have to stop at Casa Wags every.single.day.)

The house is tidier and more quiet except for the out of sorts kittens wondering where half their people are. Hazel commanded a game of fetch at 6:30 this morning. I could hardly believe my husband obliged her. He's obviously missing his #1 girl.

In honor of the first day of school, I opened a new bottle of shampoo. It's a fresh Moroccan oil elixir the smell of which has lingered with me all day in the most pleasant of ways. And I saved a cookie to enjoy with my cuppa this morning. It's my favorite whole wheat and oat dark chocolate chip concoction. Word is the 5 guys and 3 gals liked them too. Also that Ted slept like a champ in his new room and Lily had a great first day of class. I will sleep well tonight.

 Ted's last day of summer vacay. He made dinner and dessert for his mom and dad.

 Lil's first day of college. F for first day, freshman, fabulous, fresh-faced or Faith.

August Images