October Eve

It dawned on me that tomorrow is the first day of October. I almost skipped the farmer's market today because I really don't need anything, but then I stopped by at the last minute knowing that there are only a few more weeks before harvest's end. I stocked up on onions again, a basket of green peppers as Lily loves them and another round of tomatoes, the last of the season. I scored another yellow watermelon. Lily ate the entire sunshiney beaut I cut last week. It's sweeter than the red. Next week I'll start stocking up on squash. They last for months in the pantry.

Then I came home and cleaned out the refrig. I am still adjusting to Teddy's absence at mealtime. I'm overbuying and undercooking. Lily is perfectly happy going to Qdoba or Potbelly most nights after golf. Mike and I are good with cheese and crackers, a sandwich or leftovers. It's been a nice break, but I miss feeding people. Tomorrow I'm bringing the fixings for BLTs for the office. I have to share these juicy tomatoes and the nice loaf of grainy bread I scored at the bakery. Linda and Alan are happy. It's a win win.

Ted's coming home tomorrow for a visit, My dad called to tell me what a con man he is. My son asked grandpa to pick him up since he's only 45 minutes from Madison. Ted's brilliant idea was to then drive the rest of the way home in one of grandpa's cars. He gets a ride and a car. Smart. I know he's bringing home his laundry. He's been gone a month and has not done a load. Apparently, the basement is scary. Both my dad and Lily backed up that statement btw. I think he's looking forward to a change of scenery. His life has been confined to his small apartment, which we all admit is so much better than it could be. We're also having a celebration for my dad's birthday and he wouldn't miss that. I'll send him back with clean clothes and groceries. He ate his last pound of ground chicken this week and said that the cupboards are about bare. I think the grocery stores must be scary too.

I'm supposed to be on a Zoom call right now to learn about plans to switch to a hybrid platform at the high school. It's not launching (system overload), but I'm not too concerned because I'm not in the mood to listen to people on soap boxes and I don't really think it's going to happen. If you listen to the news, which I'm doing less and less, our state is having a surge. Yet, I wish it would. Lily is ready to go back to school. Most of the schools in our area that are doing the hybrid plan are succeeding so I think it's possible just not probable. I digress though...I don't want to talk about Covid or debates or anything polarizing. 

I want to talk about the way that the leaves are showy as they turn jewel-toned along the river. I want to think about the cozy new sherpa sweatshirt I got that will be perfect for chilly fall walks. I want to focus on the soups and stews I'll make that offer comfort as daylight fades. The thing is October is my favorite month of the year. I love November and December too. I love the holidays, the focus on family time, making memories, the hygge of home. And showing up here because it reminds me to pay attention to the extraordinary ordinary and to be.here.now.

Weekending and Remembering

 Yesterday marked the twelfth year I’ve been unmothered. I’ve felt numb about this sad fact this year. I surmise keeping occupied with other things is good for easing the burden. We have been busy getting ready, putting on and then taking down an estate sale with my aunt and uncle. I’m bruised all over. My knee is aching. My back is out of whack. I am dog tired. My physical pains mitigate any emotional discomfort. It’s actually kind of brilliant to lose myself in the tasks at hand, to be occupied with a purpose, to come home too tired to even dream. And yes, it was hard work, but it was also fun to spend so much time with my aunt and uncle. The labor we provided was nothing compared to the blood and sweat my aunt and uncle sacrificed. We are a good team.

We all have some good stories too. A literal cast of characters came, some several times. There was the little girl next door who thought we were having a circus in the yard because of the giant tent. She had her eye on a lamp for her room. I was sure it was the owl lamp that used to be in Lil’s room. I was wrong. She was coveting a fancy gold lamp that I had in my dining room. She’s 4. I gave it to her. The little girl across the street picked out Lil’s old plastic bow and arrow. I watched her have a weekend of fun with that toy. I sold one of my mom’s wigs to a cancer survivor. She’s been dealing with thinning hair in remission. The wig looked adorable on her and she was a cute, spunky gal. It felt good to let it go to someone who needed it. The other two didn’t sell and I planned to bring them home, but they were donated in the frenzy of packing things up. At first, I panicked, but the more I thought about it, I felt relief. Those wigs were reminders of my mom sick. That’s not the way I want to remember her.

On my way to my aunt’s Saturday, I felt verklempt that getting rid of their belongings is another step in their eventual move to Arizona. I made her promise that we will spend as much time as possible together in this year before they go. Saturday night we went out to a favorite Mexican place to celebrate a successful sale. We were so hungry we didn’t even share plates. Loie and I laughed about that Sunday. The Evans’s always share plates.

Lily came Sunday to help us pack up. She also packed a box for her erstwhile apartment. It was mostly holiday decorations. Loie has a weakness for good deals and holidays. She always planned to have a big Halloween party. We strung some leftover jack o lantern lights at 1313 Mockingbird Lane (it’s what we endearingly call her haunted rental) and enjoyed a bloody in lawn chairs that didn’t sell. Thank God! Without them, we’d have had nowhere to sit. After a beautiful couple days, it started to rain. It was perfect timing. It was a cleanse.

I feel lighter, unburdened. Everything they say about the weight of our things is true. We have too much stuff and it’s not healthy.  

I woke up yesterday aware of exactly what day it was and I thought of my mom all day long, but with a subtle sadness. I stopped at the grocery store after work and decided on a whim to make a nice dinner. Mike grilled tenderloin filets and portobello mushrooms, I roasted Brussels and decanted a nice bottle of wine. It felt like an honorable tribute to my mom on her heaven day.

 

 

 

 

Lasting Legacy

The cat's had my tongue. It's not often that I'm at a total loss for words, but it's not unusual for a lull to strike this time each year. This time being the change of seasons and the week of my mom's last birthday followed by her last day on earth exactly 7 days later. It's a whole lot. And while I don't feel particularly overcome or overwhelmed this year, I have a persistent heaviness of heart. I'm pretty sure I've been in denial over the autumnal equinox and the fact that we've blown clear through September. Where has the month gone? How has it been twelve years I've been without my mom? I'm more stunned than sad.

On my way to my mom's birthday mass, my first time in church since this pandemic, I started to acquiesce. Acceptance is always a dance. I cued up my Watermark and let the tears fall. It was a beautiful, much needed release. At a stop light, I noticed the driver next to me appear slightly startled by my full on singing through tears. My windows were up. Yes, I was that loud. And completely unapologetic or chagrined.

Candace and I walked from her place to our church on the most quintessential almost fall day. It was the same kind of perfection that characterized the day we celebrated my mom's 60th twelve long short years ago. I found the familiar sunny skies and slightest southerly breeze comforting. We joined the other handful of midday parishioners mask-clad and much more than 6 feet apart. It was strange, but also encouraging. I experienced a flashback in the middle of mass when through the open door of the church in the middle of the city, all I heard was a chorus of lawnmowers. It reminded me of moments after my mom's death when I honed in on all the bustling neighborhood sounds. I couldn't fathom that her neighbors were doing yard work, taking walks, living life like any other beautiful Sunday. That little voice in my head was whispering, Don't you know my mom's dead? How can you care about gardens and hedges? How can you be working and playing and going on? Only the ambient noises of everyday life were no longer an assault twelve years later. They were a reminder that, indeed, life goes on. Good and ordinary and beautiful life.

On the walk back to Candace's, we decided that Kathy knew she was leaving us both in good hands in one another's company. She's a constant and important part of our divine friendship. We toasted McGurk with the blood of Christ on Candace's patio just the two three of us. We told stories, some often told and some for the first time. It's what we do: honor, remember, share sorrow and give thanks for the gifts. The gifts of mothers and friends and unconditional love. That's quite a lasting legacy.

On My Mind Monday

 'It's tiring to carry the weight of eternally unsaid words."

Amity Gaige

Sea Wife

I'm not a sailor, but I've grown close to this story. I tend to define my history as a series of tacking points. I understand the existential angst of the middle place. I know firsthand the legacy of  trauma. It is not foreign to me to identify first as wife and mother, not always in that order. I am full of rue and regret over life and it's choices. I'm often asking, What's next? Who do I want to be when I grow up? What do I really want? 

And because we are all living now as if marooned on an island, I can fathom life at sea. We are also experiencing close proximity, lack of privacy, boredom, and irritation. On the flip side, we're realizing strength, sticktoitness and that there is a comfort and beauty in simplicity.

I love nothing better than when the right book comes to me at the right time.

Weekending

 I have to say that this weekend was just what I needed: relaxing, rejuvenating, restorative. I had the house all to myself Friday night so what did I do? I poured a glass of wine and went to bed with a new book. I was asleep by 10 o'clock after 75 pages and just a couple sips. I slept straight through the night undisturbed until my alarm went off at 7:30. I took one glance out the window and texted Candace to stay in bed. It was still raining so I cancelled our walk and snuggled back in too. How I fell back to sleep, I cannot explain. It's not often I'm a 10 hour girl.

Lil came home from her sleepover and we set off for some shopping because rainy day girl's weekend...duh?. Our first stop was the orchard where we stocked up on a couple pecks of Ginger Golds. The barn was busy. Not the orchards. We plan to pick when the Honey Crisps are ripe. Next up was a TJs run. Lil scored some finds and I was happy because I found the perfect platter for the galette I planned to make for my frister. Presentation is always important. Also a new set of sheets. Sweet dreams are important too.

The rest of the day I kept busy in the kitchen. Rainy days are perfect for making and baking. I felt farmer's market inspired this weekend. I roasted all the dregs from my last run and shizhed them into a roasted veggie soup. Nothing was wasted. I can be such a proud steward of this earth. I chopped more veggies for a Ratatouille Pasta that will be tonight's dinner. I put together an extra Cheesy Egg Bake that was delivered with the galette to my friend this morning. I can only hope that she feels extra loved and cared for because she is one of the very best humans I know and love. I also made a double batch of Gluten Free Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies. Why do we ever add flour? The double batch was an excellent call. I took a plate to my bro's where Lils and I went for an impromptu dinner and game of Wizard last night, sent some home with Candace when she stopped for a quick visit, fed Lily's friends an afternoon study snack and then packaged some up for my special home delivery. It's the equivalent of giving someone a hug. We did that too though.

Lil's and I just got back from a walk through the park. Our neighbor joined us and we all enjoyed the warm, sunny afternoon. Mike's home from the cabin. She's chipping in the yard. We'll throw some Italians on the grill to go with my pasta. I love almost fall. I love Sundays.

Grateful Friday

 Today I give thanks for...

It's not raining. It's still cloudy and cool, but we're getting a reprieve from the deluge.

When Lil finishes school, we're going for a walk.

We were supposed to go to Starbucks at 7 this morning, but I slept until 9 on the dot. I went then and brought her a mid morning pick me up.

It's apple picking time. We may go and stock up on Ginger Golds while we can.

It's just us girls this weekend and it's kinda nice. I know what I want to do, but I'll compromise with my best girl.

I think it will be quieter than last weekend. We had dinner plans three nights in a row. All delicious and lovely. Monday my parents came for an impromptu get together. We served kabobs. I marinated the chicken in al ran hout, harissa and yogurt. It was ridiculously tender and tasty, and went perfectly with rice and naan. It's my new obsession.

Peach tarts. I made my first on Sunday and then another on Monday adding preserves, fresh nutmeg and almonds and it definitely was improved and company worthy.

We Face Timed with Ted. It was my dad's first time and he thought it was great. We'll never forget where Ted was when he answered the call.

I finished Stray last night. This is my favorite takeaway...

We don't receive the things we want because we deserve them. Most of the time we get them because we are blind and lucky. It's in the act of having, the daily tending, that we have the opportunity to become deserving.It's not a place to be reached. It is a constant betwixt and between. It's in that hollow, liminal space that I think - hope? - humility can be achieved.

Humility.

A short stack.

Tigger in his cloud.

Tigger by my side.

Remembering. Today is 9/11. This photo was taken 3 years ago at the museum on the site of the twin towers. This installation represents the color of the sky on the that day as seen by 3000 plus artists, one for each victim. It touched me profoundly because I remember looking up that day in disbelief and thinking I'd never seen such a beautiful blue. I'm closing with this because it reminds me of something else I'm grateful for: hope. This country is deeply divided right now. The discourse is hostile and divisive, but I still have hope that we can overcome this, take care of each, and celebrate this great nation.

Strange Times

 I don't know if it takes 4 weeks or 6 weeks to make or break a habit. I was going to Google that, but it doesn't much matter. I've had at least 6 months so plenty of time. Over the last 180 plus days, daily life has changed in ways big and small, healthy and more questionably so. Summer is always a time of longer leashes and freer reign. It was a natural decision to finally set some intentions after Labor Day. Three days in, I have to confess that change is hard despite my noble intentions.

I am of the firm belief that we set the tone for the day in the first morning hours. That's exactly why I like to get up before the rest of the house. I sneak in an hour of solitude. I make my lemon water, read a few pages, motivate for a little exercise, literally and figuratively start the day on the right foot. I'm not a crack ass kinda girl. I'm talking about 7 o'clock. I've become a 9 o'clocker. I've been two hours too late for 6 months because everything shifted when we were hunkered down at home. Now the weather's shifted too. This week's 50 degree temps and constant rain have been a shock to the system and a wrench to my intentions. I have been unable to budge any earlier.

Lily posed a hypothetical question the other night at dinner. She asked, Would you give up half of your belongings to only need 4 hours of sleep a night? Eccck no, I said without pause. I love me my sleep (and my things). In the moment, I realized I was probably admitting to low level depression (and materialism). Thank you Covid.

I cannot remember dressing like fall before October, but I've been wearing cozy sweaters and suede tennies all week. I left Tigger snuggled in his cloud this morning not begging at the back door. He's still there. When I  stepped into the office this morning, I walked into a thick wall of heat. Alan had it cranked up. It's one of the idiosyncrasies of working with senior citizens. They are always cold. Today I was too. I'm holding on to next week's forecast, which promises sun and the 70s. Lily's been wearing one of her dad's sweatshirts and wrapped in an afghan at the dining room table, her school space. Twice this week she played matches in the cold driving rain. Last night she came home with a 49 in that blight. Her reward was a long, hot shower. After dinner, she was back at her table for hours of homework. Already this arrangement is uninspiring at best and taxing at worst.

Listening to the news this morning, I learned that several dorms at Madison are under lock down. The dorm Ted lived in for the 5 months he was at school was one of them. I am seriously worried about these kids and their mental health. One week into classes and they are told to stay in their cells rooms 24/7 for 14 days. No class, no dining hall, no gym, no going outside. This isn't natural. This makes Ted's freshman year look like winning the lottery. And I know that the students' health is the concern, but I shake my head at how anyone really thought this wasn't going to happen. Hello?

Ted just Face Timed. He's happy in his apartment. His desk was delivered today so now he has a place in his room to study. He was able to help Lily with her calculus homework. I was unable to help him set up his second monitor. Our IT guy is at the cabin this weekend with his brother. Ted's making chicken breasts, roasted fingerling potatoes and broccoli for dinner. He's eating better than us. Be still my mama heart. I think he's in good shape until grandpa comes for a visit and a shopping run.

And if I have to shout out to one of the positive things to come out of these unprecedented times, I'd have to say it's an increased appreciation for the people in our lives, for our connections, our tribes. Face Time and sleep too.

Grateful Every Day

I give thanks for...

Lily driving herself to and from work for the first time safely. Then she picked up a friend and went out for dinner.

Life 360. It is a worried parent's best friend. And yes, Mike and I watched her practically the whole way to work and then checked in on her several times throughout the night. I trust her, but still I fret.

Face Time. It keeps me connected with Teddy. Last night I called him just to check in. .We're at that point in the separation where we talk at least once a day. It was a good thing I called too. He and Nay Nay we working out in their study turned workout room (a much better use for 3 guys) and then were going to make chicken tacos, but the meat was still in the freezer. I know that Teddy would have no idea what to do with frozen meat.

Lily survived her first week of classes. She only overslept once, complained a few times and had a couple technical difficulties. She's not a fan of the virtual learning at all. This go around is much different than last spring. This is dive right in to heady content, critical thinking, lots of  homework. She's taking 3 AP classes and she'll be busy that's for sure.

Teddy's first week went well too. All of his classes are virtual. He lives in the backyard of the business school he'll not step foot in all semester. Isn't it ironic? He's most excited that his professor for his entrepreneurship course is the director for the Center for Entrepreneurship. Teddy's head is packed full of ideas for businesses he wants to start so he's planning on getting to know this guy real well.

Mother Nature got the memo. We've had the most beautiful week of weather for back to school. It's cool in the mornings and evenings while perfectly pleasant all day long. It's been a treat to throw open all the windows and let the fresh air in. I must admit that I'm not yet ready for what is to come. It saddens me that my flowers have grown leggy and that my most proficient bloomers are waning. My herbs have gone to seed. The maple has already started to turn.. The grass rarely needs cutting and there are fewer and fewer fireflies once night falls. And yes, the days are growing noticeably shorter.

Happy hour. This week Candace came with a chilled bottle of chardonnay one night and Jess came the next for margaritas and quesadillas.

When my guy plans and executes a meal solo. I mentioned that I bought some beef short ribs and did he want to take a stab at them. I came home from work to a house that smelled like fall. He made a pot of stew and it was delicious. And then he offered to clean up too, but I couldn't be that greedy.

Before we go full boar into a comfort food line up, there are still a couple months of harvest. I made quite a haul at the farmer's market this week and I have big plans for all the produce. I immediately made this tomato galette and it didn't last long.

Lily's found some kitchen inspiration this week. She made a roasted tomato soup that all her friends raved about.

           This simple asparagus soup that makes a perfect light summer dinner.

Finding a little inspiration at Casa Wags too. It's amazing what new shelves and a new arrangement can lead to. We've hired a painter for a couple jobs we've never been inclined to take on and also to paint the family room again. Mike refuses to do so a third time.

I'm almost through Stray. Danler's second memoir is raw. I'm reminded that we're all wounded survivors.

Dinner with Pete and Sue tonight. Early so we can enjoy the patio.  Another galette to enjoy with tomatoes from her garden.

Dinner with Pat and Candace tomorrow. We're hosting. but she's bringing her famous lasagna. I'm getting spoiled here.

My sweet and constant companion.

Right Now

There's been a lot going on and I've felt a little twitchy that we are at summer's end. For months, days seemed to stand still and then here we are on the cusp of Labor Day. It has worked best for me to tackle one thing at a time. It's the only way I know to control the strong urge to panic. And while so many things suck right now, once I decided to bask instead of wallow, I'm a much happier person.

We planned to move Teddy to his apartment so he could conduct his virtual learning one week ago. The truck Mike drove 100 miles round trip to pick up wasn't there. It was another lesson in turning those lemons into lemonade. We were able to secure a truck for Sunday and that meant another family weekend and more time to shop and pack, which we needed. After a day of schlepping with Ted, we invited Pete and Sue over for dessert and drinks. It's been a couple weeks so we had much to catch up on.

Saturday we met my aunt and uncle for dinner on the quintessential end of summer night. We begged until we got a table on the patio where we enjoyed the two man band, the pinot, PBRs and pizza.  Most of all, time together. Ted's last supper was a double cheeseburger after wings and cheese curds. 

We loaded the truck Sunday morning with few curse words or raised voices. Ted said a sad goodbye to Tig, and we hit the road only an hour later than intended. My parents were waiting for us when we made it to Brooks Street. I don't know what we would have done without them. My dad was a workhorse and Judy cleaned and put together the entire kitchen. It was a small miracle that they got the sectional into the living room. It involved some surgery, lots of sweat and ardent prayers. It was more manna from heaven that all the food fit in the pantry and freezer. It's true, I was a little underwhelmed when I first walked through the apartment. Empty, it showed all the dirt and every ding, but by the time we left, it was a cozy bach pad and the boys were smiling, and ready for us to go. We were smiling too, but also popping Advil and counting our bruises. Ready as well.

  

On the way home, Lily pointed out that I didn't cry when we left. It's true. This time I felt like we were leaving Teddy in a much more comfortable space and with friends. I had excitement for him. I could tell he shared my enthusiasm. That definitely eases the separation. And while it was nice to have him at home the past 6 months, it was time for him to go out and be a college student again. Plus we've Face timed every day. He's called to say Hi, to shop for desks, to get advice on how long to cook chicken, and to ask me to pay the speeding ticket he got on his first day home in March. All proof that it was indeed time.

Lily started her junior year on Tuesday at the dining room table. I appreciate the more rigid schedule and the beefed up content, but I can see that it is no fun to be tied to her device all day. In fact, it's exhausting and she barely has time for lunch. Yesterday after a full day of virtual learning and a 9 hole golf meet, she was too tired to do her homework. This morning, I overheard her US History class from my spot at the kitchen island. I was impressed, but I'm also hopeful that some level of in person learning will commence sooner than later. And the big news is that she got her license yesterday. She can drive herself to work this afternoon! Another right of passage.

I'm looking forward to the long holiday weekend. We have some things to take care of around the house and some dinner plans, but it will mostly be a much deserved relaxing stretch of days.