December 31, 2020

 

I woke up this morning to the sound of a skein of geese flying south. South as in the river not Florida, but it still struck me that here we are in the beginning of winter at the end of another year. Last day ennui has set in. I feel quiet as I replay what's been and prepare for what will be. The hush is nothing new. Every year on this day I feel the weight of the ending and beginning.

I started Greenlights yesterday. It was my turn. The fact that this book came to me right now is what I call a universe moment. It's when you get exactly what you need exactly when you need it. When you are ready and open to receive it. It's akin to being in the right place at the right time both literally and figuratively. See Matthew McConauhey's book is described more as manifesto than memoir and in it he talks about how to live life with more understanding and with greater satisfaction. I can get on board with that.

Many years I try to come up with a word to live by. Frankly there are many words I feel calling to me this year and so I'm just going to to stick with open. I'm open to all of it: joy, peace, forgiveness, fun, growth, hope, faith, gratitude, challenge, lessons, blessings, grief, grace, stories, signs, laughs, tears, hugs and high fives.

Happy New Year friends!

Christmas 2020 is in the Books

I have a gazillion pictures from our holiday celebrations, but I've yet to upload them. Looking back, I have to say that although 2020 was a bust, Christmas 2020 was one of the best ever!

Pat and Candace came by on the Eve Eve and stayed for a little holiday cheer. It was the perfect spontaneous way to enjoy the festivities of the season and it got me off to a happy start. It put me in the spirit if you will.

I was up early Christmas Eve morning and busy as a North Pole elf. I set the table, prepped for that night's feast, finished wrapping and took a walk in the woods with my guy. We had tickets for 3:30 mass. I am so glad we went, but I missed the packed to the brim church standing room only and the full choir. There was s a bustling energy that was missing. And Father Tim. However, I did not miss fighting for a seat, and the duo sang beautifully some of my favorites like: The Holly and the Ivy and Oh Holy Night. We all sang Silent Night and Adeste Fideles. I sat sandwiched between my kids feeling immense joy and happiness. Ted sang through the entire mass be still my mama heart. We drove home along the lake like we do every year so we could gawk at all the pretty lights and then we stopped in at my brother and sil's for a little Christmas Eve cheer. Christmas Eve was my mom's time and it doesn't feel right if the two of us aren't together to toast her. He carried on my mom's tradition of good and strong Tom and Jerry's. I had my first and likely last of the season. We went on our merry way home where we started opening some gifts. We paused to get dinner ready. Chicken and waffles was a unanimous family decision and a delicious one at that! The four of us participated in the making of the meal which we enjoyed with a little bubbly. After dinner, we resumed gift giving. Everyone was happy. Ted most of all with his new running shoes, Mike with his new razor, Lils with her Athleta leggings, and I loved everything, but was most surprised by a Vitrola. Yes, in the days of Spotify and Apple Music I am fascinated by vinyl. Our collection ranges back from college days so we rocked out to Def Leppard on Christmas Eve and for a little while I was back on Frisby Floor. After gifts, Mike went to bed, Lils went to her room to hand crochet a blanket for her Grandma the next day, I set the table for Christmas Day dinner and finished my glass of wine beside the tree in true McGurk fashion, and Ted went out because he is in college.

The days of Santa Claus were magical, but I don't miss them. I woke up Christmas morning to a tidy house and was able to set right to preparations for the night's gathering while the rest of the house slept. It was a more relaxed morning. The kids boycotted my annual cinnamon rolls because of our light and unindulgent dinner the night before. Instead they worked out. We purposefully planned the meal to be host friendly because no one wants to be slaving away in the kitchen on Christmas Day. It was also traditional and yes, delicious. The menu included Caesar salad, grilled tenderloin with a red wine shallot sauce, fontina and sage mashed potatoes, my mom's zucchini and tomato casserole, roasted Brussel's sprouts with balsamic reduction and fresh baked rolls. The other trick was to have the guests, who always want to bring something, bring the appetizers. It was smart, but I'm telling you between Judy's shrimp and my aunt's as big as my island charcuterie, we almost didn't need dinner. Before dinner, we opened gifts. It was still light out! The kids made out like bandits, or like the only kids in the family as they are. Everyone else was pleased too. Grandma Judy loved LOVED her blanket and Grandpa went straight to change into his University of WI Grandpa sweatshirt. And everyone broke the rules. What can I say, The Evans family is a bunch of outlaws! We sat down for dinner at 7:30 so only an hour late. Another Christmas miracle. Ten of us fit cozy around the table that I set with a combination of my Grandma Rosie's china and my china. Cozy is the point. My brother and Ashley brought a delicious magnum of pinot that paired perfectly with the steak. The guys cleared and cleaned up and then we headed to the family room for white elephant. Mingo, the singing flamingo, was the coveted gift of Christmas 2020. It had nothing to do with the fact he sings country music or that my aunt suited him up with a belt of fancy bottles (shots). Everyone except Grandma Judy left their white elephants at Casa Wags. Even Mingo who it will take a ransom to get back. I think maybe this tradition has run it's course. Speaking of courses, I broke out the panna cotta and the chocolate mousse for dessert. I couldn't decide so I made both. The night ended with a kitchen dance party. Don't all Christmases? The parting song was Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Lights. I kid not.

Saturday all the things I planned to do were dashed. Instead I stayed in my pjs most the day watching Netflix and hydrating. It was a lovely and much needed day of rest at Casa Wags. I would have stayed in all day if not for the fact that T Bone's birthday was Sunday and I needed to make him his favorite French Silk pie. He still hasn't eaten any, but I'm still glad I made it. Having a birthday two days after Christmas, sort of sucks so I always try to make him feel extra special.

Sunday we went to Mike's parents for a belated holiday celebration that was low key so different, but also very nice. I wish I would have thought to ask if we could celebrate Ted's birthday too because then my pie would have been eaten and he would have felt the love. Not that he didn't, but his birthday is so often an after thought. 

And now here we are looking at the end of the year...a year I think it's fair to say we are all eager to bid adieu to. Maybe I'm a little gun shy of 2021 because so much is still uncertain. It doesn't exactly feel like a clean slate or a fresh start, but the only way out is through so we don't deviate. We push on hoping and praying that better days are ahead while also grateful for the good days behind. 

 

Post Christmas Blues

 

Since I last wrote, we've celebrated Christmas three times and Teddy's 20th birthday. Yes...two decades old. The post holiday blues have set in, but the four inches of snow that fell overnight is helping mitigate my melancholy. It's the kind that sticks to all the bare branches prettying the naked landscape. We're looking forward to 2021...starting to plan for NYE and the new year, and yet I cannot say that I'm expecting much to change in the first six months of the year. I blame that for a good part of my moodiness. This morning I sat in silence beside the tree that was alit all night. I like to leave it on when it snows, or when it's cloudy, or anytime I'm home. I'm already missing the tree, but have no plans to take it down. I pride myself on being a mid January tree taker downer. But the point is that I'm not being present. I'm fast forwarding when all I want to do is hit pause.

There have been many things I've lamented about 2020, but all of this family time is not one of them. As much as I hate that Teddy is having such a shitty college experience, I love that he's been home since Thanksgiving and won't be going back until the end of January. I will miss his big hugs before he leaves for wherever he's going, I'll miss him asking me what's for dinner, I'll even miss losing every single game of Catan. I won't miss his music because I have my own playlist of his favorites now. Even he was impressed when I put it on last night while we had a Teddy choice night: Lisa's pizza and Catan. And yes, I lost although Mike won. Before Ted left to meet up with friends, he sang us a rap he'd recently written. I have to say that I was impressed. Mixing music will be part of his brand I'm told. He's a dreamer...a schemer, but he is going into second semester with some clarity. He's changing his major from finance to accounting at the urging of a professor and a TA who recognize that he is a natural with balance sheets. What I thought was most insightful though, was the fact that he realized he doesn't like finance. He likes accounting. And this is the lesson called do what you love.

I'll miss hearing my kids connecting. Lily will always be the little sister, but they are becoming peers. The other night while I was folding laundry in my room, I eavesdropped on them chatting it up in Lil's room. I know she looks up to him, but he also respects her as he should. Her emotional maturity is off the charts. She's finishing off this semester at home, but the plan is to be back in school at the end of January. This is great news, but I must admit that it has been nice to have her safe at home where her days start less abruptly. We share a lemon for our morning waters and she starts her day in her pjs. She loves being able to make a fresh salad for lunch and often gets in a workout. After the better part of a year at home, going back to school will be a major adjustment, but it's good. And time.

It's also time to start looking ahead. For Lils, that means ACT and college visits. Confirmation. Prom and softball too. For Ted, it means picking classes for next semester, deciding when he's going back to Madison and finding an apartment for next year. My intentions for next year include: eat lots of plants, learn something every day, move my body more, strengthen my spirit, focus on gratitude, remember to say please, thank you, I love you and amen often...always, and to say yes to the things that really matter.

The Eve Eve

 

Have I said that it doesn't feel like Christmas is coming? coming as in tomorrow. Today it's a balmy 50 degrees. The pavement is wet from rain not snow. And this weather is but one thing tripping me up.

The kids finished their shopping yesterday. Even though I was done, a few last minute items found their way into my Amazon cart. Damn Jeff Bezos!. I am my mother's daughter. She always made sure that there were an equal number of packages for all of us under the tree. As hard as I try to resist, I've got this same penchant.

Today I need to grocery shop. I'm dreading it because I fear that's everyone's MO. I'm worried I won't find Brussels's sprouts and white roses. I know wah wah. I also need to stop in at work even though I am off today. I'm not complaining though. It's a good thing that I'm ending this year and starting next with projects. I must get out for a walk at some time too because I ate the donuts my brother dropped off from our favorite Oostburg bakery for dinner last night. And I don't eat donuts. At some point, Candace is coming by to drop off some cookies her neighbor baked for me. I hope she'll stay for a glass of wine by the tree.

This deserves a little aside. Candace stopped by while I was finishing up baking on Saturday. I was assembling trays of cookies for neighbors and friends. Candace is a dear friend who always gets cookies, but I didn't know she was coming. I gave her one of the trays and added extra for Gordon, who is spending his first Christmas without his partner. Candace texted me later to tell me that Gordon could not pick a favorite and had almost eaten them all. Now he's sending me cookies. Cookies I don't need, and yet very much appreciate because this is Gordon's act of kindness. Kindness begets kindness and isn't that a beautiful thing. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? Generosity, not of expensive things, but in acts, thoughts and in spirit.

 

My brother stopped in on Saturday afternoon as well. It was a nice surprise. He and Teddy played a game of chess and we chatted while I baked. Brad was my first assistant baker when we were just kids. I make some of the same cookies we made eons ago today because #foodismemories. I sent him home with a tray because #foodislove.

Last night I called my aunt to thank her for the beautiful poinsettia that was delivered to my door Sunday. I told her I made her Kris Kringles over the weekend and I shared that I thought of her while I baked them. I reminded her that I have her handwritten recipe in my binder protected in a sleeve. She got what I was saying. We talked until my phone died. I wish I could drive around the lake and go visit my aunt and my uncle. This pandemic is especially difficult and isolating for older people. 

Sunday after church we went out for breakfast on busy igloo lined Downer Avenue and I actually forgot about Covid for awhile. I cannot remember the last time we went out for breakfast. We crammed into a booth at The Pancake House starving. Ted ordered an omelet as big as a plate, a not so short stack of pancakes and a Nutella crepe. He almost finished all his plates. People were out and about on the sunny day. We drove home along the lake. The streets were crowded with people and dogs. So many dogs. 

 I have a confession to make. I started researching puppies this week. I'm thinking small dog and fond of Teddy Bears, Malti and Cava Poos. Mike doesn't want a dog. The kids would rather a big dog, but will settle for any dog. Am I crazy? I miss Tigger so much and I cannot imagine a cat filling his paws. And let's face it, 2020 is the year of the pivot.

I hear alarms ringing so the rest of the house is on the rise. That's my cue to skedaddle. 

Before I go, let me just share my wish to anyone that shows up here...I hope you find some peace and joy in these upcoming days of wonder and light.

Grateful Friday

 Today I give thanks for...

Plans to bake the day away tomorrow. Lily agreed to help. We'll make about eight more varieties and probably about 24 dozen. This is the latest I've waited to bake. So late that I thought maybe I'd skip it this year, but I also knew it was only a matter of time because my neighbors, my co-workers and my kids expect them. I've said no to cutouts this year. That feels like a bit of a relief.

I made a triple batch of Irish cream tonight. It's bottled and ready to be gifted.

The kids are officially on break. They both seem lighter. Mike too until 2021. I get my bedroom and my dining room back! I'll enjoy lots of freedom and flexibility until the new year and a few days off here and there.

Between now and the end of the year, each of us at Casa Wags gets to pick a night to plan dinner and a family activity. I'm up Sunday.

This idea was inspired when my husband made us Brick Chicken the other night and cleaned up all the dishes after. And he used a lot of dishes! It was yummy, but he's going to keep looking for that company worthy version.

After watching The Queen's Gambit, Teddy's been borderline obsessed with chess. He and Mike have been having games after dinner at night.

Mike and I started The Outsider last night. I'd never heard of it. Not sure how as I love Jason Bateman and I love thrillers.

Permission. I have been staying up late and sleeping in. Not eating as many veggies as I should or drinking my celery juice. I'm not drinking enough water or getting enough exercise. I'm watching too much Netflix and I'm not reading. And I'm letting it be until January 2nd when I'm in for a very rude awakening.

Nanny's broiler burgers. They were a treat when I was growing up. My boys love them too. It's what's for dinner tonight.

Plan's to watch the Packer game at the Weslow's tomorrow. I don't much care about football these days, but I love getting out, hanging out in their cozy family room and being with friends. I'll unload some cookies, a bottle of Irish cream and a stunning candle I know Sue will love. I think we'll start planning New Years Eve.

All my Christmas gifts are purchased and most are delivered. None are wrapped.

The kids still have shopping to do, but they can go together all by themselves and I can sit by the tree and read. Or wrap.

The kids helped me put together a Spotify playlist with their music I love, and no I don't love all their music. I do appreciate Drake, Khalid, and Post Malone though.

Duets. Lils and I were listening to Hamilton in the car yesterday and we kinda got into The Schuyler Sisters. Sometimes all you need is to sing loud and proud in the car with your best girl. We miss musicals and were both cursing Corona because we would have been getting excited to go to Hamilton this spring. My second time, her first.

A new lap top. Of course, I'm using my old one. The new one is next to me. I am not a change master. At least I'm self-aware. 

Pause

 

I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit, but I'm not exactly not feeling it either. I'm not in an all out funk, but I'm feeling that down yo lasts a little longer. I just got off the phone with my dad and I had a bit of an epiphany. For me this time of year is about nesting, baking batches for friends and family, hot toddies around the tree and family movie nights. That's kind of been the MO for the past nine months minus the tree so December just doesn't feel different this year. We've had so much hygge, I've baked myself silly and we're all out of options on Netflix, Prime and HBO. Listen, I am first to admit that these are first world problems, but I'm just keeping it real. Real and honest.

The house is decorated. I usually cannot wait to put out my favorites: my mom's simple wood and straw manger, my dining room tree filled with her collection of glass ornaments, the family tree that no longer accommodates all of our ornaments, my Li Bien and Vietri collections. Everything has a story, and therefore, a special place in my heart. The last few years I've put out less because even at Christmas, less is more. Unless, of course, we are talking about white twinkly lights or Frasier fir candles. I made the first and second batches of the year. I baked pistachio kisses at Lil's request and the most perfect chewy molasses cookie that I love with a cup of coffee in the morning. I've shamelessly revisited the ritual of cookies for breakfast during these 12 days of Christmas. Most years I bake about a dozen different family favorites and some of them four to six dozen at a time to share with friends, neighbors and family. I don't see that happening this year although I know there a few more batches in my future. We've yet to watch a Christmas movie, but a good friend gave me Love, Actually and said it's a must. I'm thinking this weekend. I did a little less shopping this year. It feels like a good year to have a reset, and yet I'm not exactly done yet so one never knows. I banned the purchase of wrapping paper and ribbon in 2020 vowing to use what I have on hand, and then I couldn't resist a single roll of the cutest paper ever and that led to numerous coordinating rolls and spools of ribbon. I am human and weak. We're planning and very much looking forward to our holiday celebrations, but I'm not eager for their arrival. I enjoy the bask and glow wholeheartedly. The state of anticipation is my happy place. Crescendo is my religion.

This is the time I prefer to hit pause. To focus on presence, not presents. To count my blessings not the gifts under the tree.  To connect, cherish, commune,  celebrate, contemplate and choose to be right here right now.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Christmas spirit. A before dinner walk around the neighborhood last night to gawk at the lights. There are decorations galore this year, which makes perfect sense. We are all home and we all need some bright festive cheer. Lils and I decided we needed to up our game a little at Casa Wags so I found the box of candles that I got from my aunt, and we put one in every window. We're getting there.

Family time. I am so filled up with the four of us home for another extended period. I love having family dinners and then retiring to the family room for an episode of the Queen's Gambit. Sometimes I don't love the loud rap music or the laundry that never gets put away or the blender that is always in the sink, but that's the small stuff.

Things are picking up at work. It feels good to be busy again.

A vaccine. It's a light at the end of the tunnel. There are better days ahead. Yet I wonder what life will look like on the other side. We've been living a certain way for almost a year and I feel that we are going to have a new normal.

Lily will be back in school at the end of January.

A new piano.

Reading before bed. I've been working my way through Cool For America. It's a book of short stories that I am enjoying until the end. Sometimes I feel like short stories end abruptly and inorganically...like the whole point is to make you ask huh?

Tea weather.

Homemade granola. Pistachio cherry was a tasty combo.

That I took so many pictures of Tig.

A quiet weekend ahead.

Weekending

I really needed mass today. When I saw that it was Father Tim, it felt like a hug. It's the first time in a long time it's the four of us in one pew listening to his three things. In his is sermon today, he spoke of heaven being right here on earth. It's hard to fathom, especially given the way there seems to be so much disease, discontent and chaos in the world, but I do get it.

And speaking of heaven...we said goodbye to Tigger Friday morning. Letting go of a pet is never easy, but losing him was harder for me than any other furbaby. He was everyone's best friend, the heart of the house, the smartest, sweetest, softest cat I've ever known and loved. It's not dramatic to say I'm crestfallen even though this has been building. It's impossible to prepare for final goodbyes. I was there for his last breath. He went peacefully and then I couldn't bring myself to leave the exam room without him so I stayed for what felt like a really long time. I left with only a tuft of his fur and my tears.

I called Jess Friday evening to tell her. She told me that she was on her way to Casa Wags. She was already in the neighborhood and it struck me as a universe moment and also a very welcome distraction. I made a big pot of rigatoni and a quick red sauce along with an extra buttery loaf of garlic bread for the kids, Jess and me. We ate our feelings. Mike was at a neighbor's licking his wounds twice. The Badgers lost to Marquette.

Saturday was an off day. I was emotionally exhausted, but I managed to get a few things done and then Candace came bearing the most beautiful bouquet. As I was opening a bottle of wine for us to share, Ted lost the case study he'd been working on for two days straight and was about to send in. He also lost his composure. Candace decided not to stay. He accepted his situation quickly and got back to work. It was yet another lesson learned this year. Hit save. We ended up having a nice family fajita dinner after which we cozied in the family room watching tv and relaxing. It was just what I needed.

St Nick visited overnight. We didn't do stockings until after church because both kids wanted to work out before mass. Teenagers. I can remember the days when they couldn't wait to plow through them. Now other things take precedence. They both appreciated their annual ornaments: a dozen eggs and a chicken. He eats more eggs than anyone else I know and one of her nicknames is chicken. Then I appropriately made scrambled eggs with ham for brunch. Lils had chicken and Brussels sprouts. No joke.

Candace returned and we walked the river trails on the mild gray day both feeling extra grateful for the time to catch up, the ability to move, the breath of fresh air. I turned yesterday's stock into soup and got a loaf of pheasant bread proofing. Before dinner, we trimmed the tree. Mostly the girls with a little help from the guys. This year's fir is perfect, but smaller than usual. Sadly, we couldn't hang every ornament. Of course, the chicken and the eggs got prime real estate on the front of the tree. The four of us gathered around the island after the tree was trimmed for big bowls of chicken noodle soup that just might be one of my best batches ever if I don't say so myself. Lily's doing the dishes, the boys are wrestling and I am here. Not because I have anything riveting to share. Just because I want to capture these times, these ordinary days, this extraordinary life.

At weekend's end, I'm still feeling a bit off, a little happy and a little sad...happysad, but I'm definitely feeling grateful. That's a good place to be this time of year. A very good place.