Be.Here.Now

It's Wednesday, but I cannot shake the feeling that it should at least be Thursday. I think I have just a tinge of the post-holiday blahs. More so in the sense that it all just goes so fast. And all I want is for these days and nights to last. Not forever, just longer. Well, maybe forever. This time with the four of us still at home together feels important and special. Who am I kidding...Teddy is rarely home and Lily's here less and less, but the point is that they come home every night and that gives me great peace and happiness.

When I came home from work today, I crawled into Lil's new big bed (with her reluctant permission) and we watched an episode of The Office together. I love that she loves that show. We used to snuggle side by side many a night in my bed watching one program or another, but not so much anymore. I really miss those times so I was extra grateful that she let me crash her pad for awhile. I like to think she even liked it.

I had to get up to get the phone. It was the vice principal. He was calling to tell me about an incident today in the girl's bathroom involving one of Lily's friends. A friend I would never in a million years have guessed would be doing what she was caught doing. A good choice friend. I was that age once and I remember all the antics that occurred in the high school bathroom. He was quick to tell me that Lily didn't do anything wrong, but that he wanted me to be aware that she was there and what went down. I thanked him for calling all the while thinking I know she did nothing wrong. I know my girl and she would never do that. In a split second, reality hit me. Teenagers can be sneaky. I hid so much from my mom. What don't I know?

I went back to her room. She knew exactly who was on the phone. I was very calm. She started to cry. The tears flowed because she was conflicted about telling me and betraying her friend who she's worried about, cares about and wants to have in her life despite this recent bad habit.
We talked and I think both felt much better. I'm still learning how to best communicate with my teenage daughter because it's so very important to get it right.

While we were making dinner tonight, Ted was hanging around the kitchen salivating. He's a hungry boy these days because he's amped up his workouts. We were talking about where he's at in the scholarship process. He's a candidate for a Leed's scholarship at the University of Colorado-Boulder. That led to a discussion about how different it is today from when Mike and I were at this point in our lives. He lamented about the pressure and the preparations. I cannot deny that I don't remember an ounce of the stress he's feeling. He recently said that he's just trying to enjoy his life now and not think about leaving home. I know he's more excited than scared to leave his family and friends to get out on his own, but I'd be big fat lying if I didn't admit that makes me feel a little good. He already knows home is not a bad place to be. He already knows that he'll miss it when he's gone.

He was accepted into Madison a couple weeks ago. We found out via a text he sent us from a friend's.  Remember...almost never home. After the dancing Bucky bitmoji, he typed...I couldn't have done it without your love and support. I was a marshmallow. An ecstatic marshmallow! I'm really hoping for numerous reasons that he chooses my alma mater, but I am trying damn hard to let it be his choice.

My oldest friend turned 50 last week. Oldest as in known the longest. She's not big into her birthday, but Mike and I tracked her down so we could toast her on her special day. I think she was touched and that was the point. We have a GNO planned in her honor on Saturday. Quaint and low key, but I'm very excited for the gift I know will surprise and delight her. And also the celebratory night out with some of the best people I know.

I cannot believe I'll be 50 in August. I was thinking about my mom's 50th birthday the other day. My mom was young (and wise) beyond her years, but I have to confess that she seemed so much older to me at that age than I see myself now. Sometimes I don't even feel like a grown up yet. It's like I'm still waiting for the answers and the secrets and the spoils. Capisce?

And speaking of growing up...Lily had her first date on Sunday. Her first date with a boy. He asked her to go ice skating. They met at the rink downtown. God forbid they arrive in the same car. I just happened to be across the street with her aunts, uncle and grandma seeing The Book of Mormon. (Just as irreverent and hilarious the second time around btw.) During intermission, we flanked the wall of windows that looks directly out at the rink with our opera glasses trying to get a glimpse of Lily and her friend. We finally spotted them. They looked sweet. After the show, she spotted us crossing the street in route for post-show libations and small plates. She waved. I waved nonchalantly and kept walking. I felt bad like I should go up and introduce myself, but there was no way I thought this poor boy wanted to meet her entire family on the first date. That would have killed the chances for a second. She confirmed that she thought there would be a second. He offered to buy her a hot cocoa (being the independent young woman that she is, she bought her own), they didn't run out of things to talk about and they skated for 3 hours. I definitely think they'll be another. I'm trying real hard this week to leave it alone and not ask too many questions. It's all part of the communicating with teens challenge. Ask too many and they won't answer any.

I started exercising again this week. I've not been able to much (or at all) since I started my new job. Now things have settled down at work and we are post-holiday so it seems like a good time to get back at it, but it's so #&@!ing hard to rebuild that discipline. I should have never stopped. I know I need to make time for it in the mornings because when I come home at the end of the day, I just want to make dinner and chill especially at this time of the year. It's equal parts permission and perseverance to make things work. Accepting what is and then persisting within those limits. And then taking it day by day.

And that brings me to my word for 2019. Words really. Be.here.now. It's something I remind myself of daily. I'm better at it some days than others. I kind of failed it much of last year because I spent most of the year either looking back or flashing forward. I couldn't help myself. Hello, permission.  The thing is that I know the benefits that living in the moment bring. I want to practice presence so that I am able to eke out the most from these moments I so cherish. Amen. Good night.