White Halloween

I wasn't dreaming of a white Halloween, but the snow is flying and starting to accumulate. We had a few minutes of thunder snow, which is very cool. I was ready for fall temps, not winter weather advisories. It would have been nice if the white stuff could have waited until Christmas. It'll probably be warm and sunny in December.

I got tickets for a scary movie, but I think we'll pass. Mike is good with that. It just seems like a good night to be cozy at home. Trick or treat was Sunday so tonight's festivities will be dressing up the cats in their basket full of costumes.

And speaking of trick or treat, we didn't have many kids come by and the ones who didn't even open their mouths to say boo. No trick or treat and no thank yous. Most of them helped themselves to a handful of candy without pause. I didn't care because I wanted it out of the house, but it struck me as piggy and rude. I miss kids with personalities and manners. I blame Covid.

The world we live in today fills me with relief that my kids are grown. That they came of age in kinder, simpler, safer times. I live in fear of what the world will be like if and when my kids have kids. The levels of suffering, hatred, judgement, corruption and tyranny are making me question humanity and democracy.

Just another reason to stay home.

Catching Up

The last week was good and full to the brim. This morning I couldn't be any happier to be here in my quiet house with my cats and my coffee. I returned from my quick trip to NYC Thursday night. Three days and three nights is the perfect time to spend in the city. We had time for some business and some fun. Fun as in good eats, successful shopping, a show, and plenty of people watching. It was a bit of a deja vu trip. I was good with that because midtown felt very safe and normal. We went across the street for Italian at Cellini one night and Greek at Nerai the next. We raved over the lamb chops and lemon potatoes, and were delighted to be able to eat outside on the street. It was more summer than fall during our visit. We scored first row tickets to Gutenberg and while I'm not really sure what it was about, I laughed through the show. Josh Gad and Andrew Rannells are such a great comedic duo. Their riffing made up for the meh story, and the forgettable lyrics and songs. I won't soon forget the rickshaw ride home. We were doing donuts on the city streets and chair dancing to MJ. Thursday morning we walked to Central Park before packing to go home.

In the time I was away, the colors peaked. We drove through the parkway oohing and aahing on our way home. It was just as warm here, but I think we have seen the end of summer temps. This weekend was much more seasonal. I'm good with that too. It's time.

Last weekend we enjoyed a fall family weekend, or more like day and a half. The kids were home for exactly 36 hours. We made the most of it. My brother and sister-in-law came for dinner Friday, which we sat down for at 10:30 when the kids finally got home. We had fun carving pumpkins while we waited for them. I cleaned seven - one for each of us and I roasted every single seed. I made my mom's pumpkin squares for dessert. Saturday we picked apples in the rain and then celebrated 28 years of marriage at a fun farm to table German beer hall that had amazing pizza. Quite a concept. The restaurant and 28 years together! I'm a lucky girl. It was fun to celebrate with the kids and yes, I did bring out the wedding album. I did not make them watch the wedding video. We watched GOT instead.

The kids left early Sunday morning. The car was packed full with leftovers and groceries for the three of them. They didn't even have room for their pumpkins.

Today will be a good day for yard work. We can take a break to watch the Packer game. Last night our neighbors came over to watch the Badger game. They brought the champs and we picked up pizzas and canolis at Gloriosos. While their was no reason to celebrate, we did nonetheless.

 

Nesting

I just got home from an after work walk on this mid-October eve. It is pleasantly crisp and the parkway is getting showy flanked by flaming maples and glowing poplars. The leaves on the oaks remind me of warm cinnamon toast. And speaking of toast, we picked up the scents of wood burning fires and also someone firing up the grill for some steaks. It's my favorite time of the year. It's still outdoor weather, but we come home and light candles and curl up under cats. These nights Gus takes Mike's lap and Hazel is happy on mine. We're still adjusting to an emptier nest missing Teddy, Lily and Finn, but we are good.

We'll have a full house this weekend, which I am very much looking forward to. Mike pointed out how quickly the next few months will pass, and before we know it we'll be on a beach in Zihautenejo. That is one of my happy places, but I'm in no rush to speed the plow. I'd like the next few months to linger as long as they can because October's cozy, November's gratitude and December's joy feed my soul for the rest of the year.

We've been staying close to home the past month and I'm perfectly good with that. The world feels tenuous, sketchy, not particularly safe. The wide world and also my little corner of it for the record. Case in point, we were driving on the highway on a beautiful Sunday afternoon a couple weeks ago and an approaching car unleashed a few rounds. I felt the gunfire in my chest. I don't think anyone was hurt, but it was hard to tell because we were going 65 miles in the other direction. This is just kind of normal these days. Only it's not.

I'll be in New York next week. I have mixed feelings about this trip after the last 10 days of news. My head will be on a swivel and my hand on my alarm. For once, we're going in fall and expecting fall temperatures so that's a bonus. I'm just not sure how much time we'll spend strolling the city and yet on the other hand, I'm expecting it to be fine.

My big outing last weekend was to see the Taylor Swift movie with Jess. I've been singing her songs in my sleep the past few nights. They are catchy and she is quite a talent. I still won't call myself a Swiftie, but I can see why she has such a following. Jess and I stopped for an afternoon happy hour and had such a nice time drinking wine on a Saturday afternoon. It felt good to be out in the world so I convinced Mike to go back out with me after the Badger game. We just went to our local watering hole and had fun running into some familiar faces and catching up on kids. The general consensus is that empty nesting is not so bad.

And that being said, I'm excited for a full house this weekend.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

My mom. We said goodbye to my her 15 years ago yesterday. It was my waking thought and also my last, but for most of the day I was focused on other things. Missing her has become part of the fabric of my daily life.

Last week was her birthday and the owls were making noise all night. It's one of the handful of times I've heard them this summer.

Ted is coming home today. I haven't talked to him all week. Between teaching and learning and life, he's quite busy. I know he's going to be full of stories. He loves to tell them too. I love to hear them.

I finally made it to the farmer market last week. I haven't been cooking much this summer so I haven't been making my weekly stop, and I still need to use up the fresh produce I got, but I will. And I will try and go weekly until the end of the season.

I stopped at the apple farm today to pick up a couple pecks. I didn't pick my own because Lily, my picking partner, is away at school. 

The 10 day forecast is summery for sure. I'll take as many flip flop days as I can.

When it does cool down, I found the most delicious orange sweater for the fall. I used to wear lots of orange. Lots of color really. Pinks and greens especially. I'm working on incorporating color again in my life.

 

 My digital frame. It was a birthday gift from my thoughtful guy. It brings me so much happiness to see the random images...memories appear. I'm especially drawn to the pictures of Finn right now.

Taking so many pictures. They're all I have left of him now. This is the last one.

My Polaroid. I brought it on our lake vacation and took random candids throughout the week. By week's end, there was a happy collage of all of our fun on display on the refrigerator. I let everyone take their faves and then I brought them home and made another collage on my chalk board. It's still making me smile a month later.

 

Finally uploading all my pictures from the last couple months. I feel relief because there were hundreds of them.

A terrible family selfie after a lovely family dinner.

Hazel and Gus are keeping an eye on each other and staying close. They are also keeping an eye on us.

My cousin is coming to town next week. I'm looking forward to seeing her after too long.

I'll be able to see Jimmy Fallon when I go to NY next month now that the strike is over. I'm also deciding between Gutenberg and I Need That, or both. I'll be there for work, but I have my priorities.

Rainy Day Mood

I slept for 9 hours last night and still struggled to get out of bed this morning. It's a cozy rainy day, but I welcome the gloom. Hazel and Gus visited several times during the night. She'll stay for snuggles. He gives nose kisses and then steals a drink from my water glass. We're all adjusting to Finn's absence. Actually, I don't think Gus thinks much about it. Hazel is a little out of sorts at times. We hear her caterwauling from the corners of the house calling for him, we presume. It's beyond sad.

As sad as we were to lose our big boy, we felt blessed to get news last night that Hazel and Gus are healthy. The virus that caused Finn's lymphoma did not infect our other two. We were living with bated breath all weekend, knowing we needed to get them tested. It was a dark shadow following us and man that was awful. Now I can process my grief and my relief simultaneously. I said out loud several times last night that it is strange to have such joy in the face of such sorrow, but I know that's not true. Life's incongruity is really not much of a mystery. We live we love. Death makes us love harder. Love is at the heart of our happiness. 

We had a lot of love this weekend. It was a family affair. My aunt and uncle were visiting from Arizona. It was good to have a positive distraction at Casa Wags. My brother had me dancing around the kitchen and signing in spoons Saturday night. Family met for Sunday dinner at our favorite Italian place to close out the weekend. I didn't have much time to ruminate or worry, but of course, it was always just below the surface.

Mike called while I was coming home from an airport run last night to give me the great news about Hazel and Gus. I knew he wouldn't give me a bad report while I was driving so I couldn't wait to answer his call. I'm pretty sure that lifted burden was responsible for such a solid night's sleep. And like clockwork this morning, I am missing Finn because I'm finally in a space where I can focus on my shy sweet boy with the heart on his nose, the wily white whiskers and the piercing green eyes who loved to curl up in baskets or sinks or on my pillow. I'll miss the way he would rub against my legs, engage in expressive conversation and demand to be let under the covers in the middle of the night numerous times. I'm so grateful I never denied him.

The Other Shoe: RIP Finnegan McGoo

I woke today with a heavy heart and it's only become more of a burden. I thought I would find relief, but instead I have nothing but grief. Our lovable Finn was very sick and we had to say goodbye. It was an impossible goodbye. Sudden and shocking and sad beyond sad. Our bright eyed boy was only 2 1/2 and really still a precocious kitten. What we'd been treating as a virus, was an aggressive cancer for which there was no cure. We did what we had to do broken-hearted. 

I want to say it's not fair and to ask why, but there are no answers that would satisfy me. I saw myself growing old with the Tres Amigos. Hazel and Gus don't know they are the Dos Amigos now. It doesn't have the same ring to it and yet I don't know what I'd do without them.

That shoe I was waiting to drop, felt like a bomb when it fell. 

I'll be back when I recover.

 

15 Years

Happy Birthday Mom,

Today you would be 75 years young. I say that because your life was cut short at 60 and I just know that you would still be living and loving big if you were here. Fifteen years makes me pause. It is a long time especially at this stage of our lives.

I have been dreaming about you nightly. While not particularly comforting or disturbing in nature, your cameos force me to the realization that you are gone when I wake up. That's not the most pleasant way to start the day.

This morning Candace sent me a text while I was still sleeping and Lily sent one when I was showering. Two of our gals who know how much I miss you because they do too. 

So a of couple things. Life is good and full at present. All summer, I've embraced this good fortune. Then the past couple weeks I've found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, looking for harbingers of changing kismet, sensing the impending storm after a season of calm. It felt like self sabotage and a return to my pessimistic past, but I realized that this is a product of the anxiety that plagues me this time of year. Every year. For the past 15 years. Therein lies the textbook definition of it doesn't get easier, it gets different.

The hardest part is knowing what my kids have lost in losing you. You cherished them and loved nothing more than being their Nanny. I got 40 years with you. Teddy and Lily only got 7 and 4 respectively.

I wish we could toast you at Grenadier's (although that Milwaukee icon is also gone). I wish you could have seen your grandson become an Ironman. He has your grit. I wish you could spend time with Lily. She has your dry wit. They both have your fiery spirit and your joie de vivre. You would be unabashedly proud of them. And me. Because them.

This next week will be tricky. It always is. Your birthday and then Heaven day 7 days later. But you always said what doesn't kill us, doesn't kill us. I know I'll get through it.

I love you Mom. You were simply the best!