January 30, 2016

 My alarm didn't go off again this morning.  Ted was up and getting ready (amen alleluia), but there was no spare time to make him a hot, balanced breakfast before his day on the slopes.  I gave him a bit of a hard time last night about getting up promptly, not making people nag or wait.  I let him know that getting up before dawn on Saturday morning isn't on my weekly bucket list, but then...maybe it should be.  It should be because then I'm awake to see this...

Amen.  Alleluia.  Sunrise no filters.  None.  This is the humble, honorable work of Mother Nature and I wouldn't miss witnessing a sky so showy for another second of sleep.  

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Lily is still sound asleep.  It appears we have a little sibling role reversal going on here today.  She is tuckered out after plenty of fresh air last night.  She squeezed her feet into her size too small ice skates and skated away with a friend without a complaint about frozen fingers or cramped toes.  They lasted much longer than I anticipated as I lost myself in a book beside the roaring fire.  On the way home she thanked me for taking them and then apologized that I sacrificed my walk for her fun.  It's tough, but someone's got to do it.  See proof of suffering below...

I'm motoring through Carly Simon's memoir.  She's someone that interests me because I grew up listening to her music, and I've always wanted to know just whom she is carrying on about in You're So Vain.   Is it really Warren Beatty?  The writing is not polished, but her words are compelling and raw.  I get the feeling that she really needed to tell the stories about her life in order to keep on living.  That I relate to. 

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I couldn't relate when I saw that today is the rear end of January.  The older I get...they get...the faster it goes.  And it's not like I have my head in the sand.  I'm present noticing things every day, honoring the extraordinary ordinary and living with a grateful heart.  Maybe that's the crux.  The finiteness...my finiteness...of what I can only believe to be infinite beauty, wonder, goodness, grace.

What Now?

Today I have the house entirely to myself.  It's the first Wednesday since late October that I won't have the company of contractors.  About this I am wildly jubilant.  I don't have to listen to saws, someone else's music or Spanish.  One worker who was here for over a week spoke incessantly to his mama', his tia', his hermanas, his novias all day long.  For ten days, my life was a telenovela.  It's no surprise that his work (drywall and painting) suffered as he chattered away on blue tooth. Wherever you are Jesus, know that I know Spanish.

Ah, but I digress.  It's also the first Wednesday in months that I have mostly free and clear.  Don't be silly, there are always to dos, coulds and shoulds, but there is nothing pressing. I have a day to myself, and the wealth of possibility is paralyzing.  Isn't that how it goes?  We want and yearn and desire, and then we receive and we scarcely know how to proceed.

We're so programmed for longing that satisfaction is rarely sustainable.  People like to set goals and there's nothing wrong with it except the preoccupation that comes with always needing to be, do, have something we're not, haven't, don't.  It's a surefire way to set yourself up for a life of languish. That's not what I want. You?

I'm not advocating stagnation or even complacency, but I think there's something to be said for accepting and celebrating the now.  Who we are now.  Where we are now.  What we have now.  There are any number of cliches I could insert at this point, but I won't.  We've heard them so often, they've lost their power even as they ring true.

I guess my point is that time has a way of showing us what really matters: this moment right here right now so be.here.now.

Time

What I've come here to write about tonight could easily be material for numerous posts.  Could be, but won't. That's because I find that my writing here has become an act in stream of consciousness.  My thoughts spring forth in a fluid and dynamic way so before I can dig too deep, I feel compelled to move on.  I attribute this recent modus operandi as much to pining as to prescience. I am equal parts trying to capture the moment and excited to live it.

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Big Ben(ita) expired.  Lily went to feed her Monday morning and found her grey and gone.  She came into the kitchen rather verklempt over seeing her usual Kermit green lizard looking drab and in decay.  BB was certainly on borrowed time.  When she brought the lizard home at the culmination of a science unit, it was the spring of third grade.  We were told she would live a year maybe two.  We shared a tear, a hug and even a laugh before she left for school, but I just hated to send her off with a heavy heart.  And I knew she'd see her curled up in the corner of the cage a little withered and off color over and over and feel that aching sadness that comes when we must say goodbye and know our time together is over.  

She admitted that it weighed on her all day and wondered what we would do to dispose of her body.  I offered a few suggestions and she decided that it would be best to put her under a rock so she could simply go back to the earth.  She couldn't fathom her washed down the toilet or stuck in a box until spring.  It may seem slight and small, but it revealed much to me about my thoughtful, tender-hearted girl.  Honoring the dead is important to her, just as is celebrating the living.

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It's a sort of celebration to wake early on my days off.  It's my intention to eke out as much time as possible.  It never fails that before I know it, it's noon or 9 o'clock.  I never understand how it is that when I wake, the day feels endless and then when I'm ready to call it a night, I scarcely can tell you how the day descended.  I look at the calendar and am stunned that we're fast approaching February.  Years are minutes...this much I absolutely know is true.  

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You know what else is true?  There's no time like the present.  There's so very much I put off or on hold.  It never feels right either because we aren't promised any tomorrows.  Every night there are things I pray about and I promise, Tomorrow God. Forgive me my procrastination. My sin. Even while I'm giving it my energy, I feel like a fraud.  I believe in the tabula rasa, the fresh start but also the power of the past, and I don't give up because I know I'm running out of time.  

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Tonight I read Dear Future Man Who Loves My Daughter from Dear Mr. You. It was a beautiful piece that spoke to me as a mother and as a  sister.  Mary-Louise Parker describes her brother meeting her daughter for the first time and how that is one one of the moments she wants to revisit if in fact we revisit moments in the end. My eyes welled up and over with memory upon memory after reading that one sentence so I know we must...we do.  I not only saw a barrage of images, but I felt a flood of emotions.  I decided to ride it instead of capture it, but it's what brought me here tonight.

On My Mind Monday

I learn so much when you are listening.  Thank you.

~ Mary-Louise Parker

Dear Mr. You

IRL

I set my alarm to get up so I could wake, feed and ready my son for a day of skiing.  Never mind that he is capable of this himself at 15, and disregard that it's my only day to sleep in past dawn.  I feel good about being there to send him off with a hug and a $20.  But alas my alarm never sounded.  I woke just in time to tell him half dressed that his ride was waiting in the driveway.  I'm sure this is somehow my fault, but I'm also sure he'll forget all about it by the time he takes his first run of the day.

Tigger is no where to be found this morning.  He is still in the habit of hiding at the first sign of light lest he come in contact with any strange men wielding power tools.  The thing is there will be no more men. The kitchen is complete!  We had our final walk through scheduled for this morning, but we decided to skip it and release the final payment by fax.  That was a concerted effort to officially break up with the contractor without the drama of tears or accusations.  While we love our new kitchen, we are much less amorous about him and the experience.  A face to face meeting posed too much of a risk that we would say all the things on our minds, which at this point no longer matter. We're not ever getting back together.

Last night we sat around the table after take out dinner talking.  (I have a new kitchen, yet I've ordered takeout the last two nights.)  Jess and I were getting all sorts of unsolicited information from Lily and her friend.  They had lots of opinions to expound upon and stories to share.  I was a little like, "Where is this coming from?"  Day after day, she gets in the car and I ask the questions. How was your day?  What did you do?  Did anything happen?  I'm privy to only terse one word answers. Fine.  Nothing.  No.  I guess chicken parm on a Friday night opens the tween flood gates.

They had plans to go to activity night at school, but then they decided that they would rather stay home.  Instead of singing and dancing in the crowded cafeteria, they opted to make music videos at home.  I cannot blame them.  Crowds give me hives these days.  These are sort of no nonsense girls. There's an awful lot of nonsense that goes on at this stage of life.  The kind of shenanigans these two cook up involve hiding when it's time to go home, or getting on like a well rehearsed comedy routine.

E's mom came to get her at 9 o'clock and left close to 11 o'clock.  The girls didn't even have to play hide and seek. I really just love when it works out to have mom daughter friends.  It's like couple friends.  It's rare when that unforced, authentic friendship is present for all parties.  

It's also rare when friends are more like family.  Jess stayed with Lily while I went to get Ted.  He called a little exasperated because he had sent me a text to pick him up 20 minutes before.  It's not that I didn't see the text; I didn't get it.  In his teenage brain though, if there is a fail, it's human not technological. I pulled into the driveway and waited and waited until I had to get out and go to the door in my slippers in the snow because I forgot my phone and couldn't text. That was a human technology fail.

In real life, things are messy and beautiful at the same time.  There's a reason why beautiful mess is such an apropos combo.  IRL we laugh until we cry or we cry until we laugh.  I just watched The Middle and it happened to me.  I mean The Hecks actually pulled off a birthday party for Frankie. Of course, she missed it.  We're hard when we should be soft and soft when we should be hard.  IRL we do the best we can with what we have and then we get up and do it again the next day.

Instagram: 2 day pass

1. ted and his uncle had a boy's weekend working out, eating out, watching games and movies.  this was right after the packers tied the game saturday night and we were sure as #^&! they were going to win.

2. my mirepoix cooking for ina's company pot roast, a fam fave.

3. peanut peppers mostly slept through the game, and failed to bring the team any luck.

4. t. bone crashed after a long day on the slopes.

5. i see this and think of something hunter s. thompson wrote, "there is no honest way to really explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." it's called the edge.

6. after a double header (the giver and the secret life of walter mitty), this girl was too tired to even make it to bed.  i can count the times she's fallen asleep on the couch on both my hands.  this is a first for the floor.

7. santa knew she would love this game.

8. silly and sweet.

9. saturday or sunday morning silhouette.  maybe even monday morning this week too.

Reality

Even though today is Tuesday, it's our Monday.  We much enjoyed our long weekend, but another change in a schedule we had just become reacquainted with is a bit taxing.  Today was a rude awakening.  I didn't sleep well.  My hands, which I like to place under my cheek while I sleep, still smelled strongly of the garlic I chopped for Sunday dinner.  I'm blaming that pungent odor for my restlessness.  Even if vampires were a real threat, I'd forgo the clove of garlic.  Just sayin'.

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It's frustrating when I wake early and spend the day sluggish and uninspired.  Everyone whines about how cold it is, but when the wind blows and my bones chill, I feel oddly enthralled and alive. Driving to work it was heat on heat off.  I suspect I'm nearing that season of my life.  The season of private summers and changing hormones and no more babies.  Amen.  

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Driving home from school with Lily today, it occurred to me that next year she'll be one of the bigger kids in middle school.  I momentarily thought about driving off the bridge into the frozen river. I'd rather crash than drown.  Hormones.  Don't judge.  It's like I know what's coming, but I cannot for the life of me or for my sanity believe it.  Just this weekend she and her girlfriend played Pie Face and giggled like the little girls they always will be in my warmest, fondest memory.  Of course, then they went upstairs to cleanse and exfoliate lest the whipped cream clog their pores.  She was in charge of the neighbor's labs all weekend, and while she wasn't super excited about getting up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning to care for Louis and Maddie, she got straight out of bed when I woke her.  She's responsible and reliable.  I was super proud of her.

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Tonight Jess asked me if I'm prepared to start making college visits.  My answer was an emphatic "No."  Please, not yet.  Who is ever prepared for them to leave?  And yet, when it's time, I will celebrate the exciting milestone with my son.  And then my daughter.  It's beyond my comprehension that Teddy is halfway through his freshman year.   He has exams this week.  Last night I quizzed him for Spanish.  I entered college with 16 college credits thanks to my success on the Spanish placement exam and I don't think I learned what he is learning his freshman year.  Sometimes I feel so yesterday.

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Speaking of yesterday, it's not a day I particularly love despite the holiday for an honorable man.  My mom and I always spent MLK Day together lady lunching. Since the stock market and little else was closed, we were the only two off.  Partners in crime.  Lily was my partner yesterday.  We did a little shopping.  Her choice, not mine.  I guess her dog sitting earnings were begging to be spent.  Thanks to China, oil prices, Walmart and a kitchen remodel, I'm feeling much less rich than Roosevelt these days.  We met Teddy, my brother and sil for lunch.  The boys saw The Revenant.  I'm surprised they could eat.  But it was really nice and being together sort of eased my melancholy...it shifted my focus.

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Tomorrow I'm off again.  I'll take the last tree down...the big one, and probably have a few words with my mom while doing so.  A few tears too.  I'll likely read some more of the various books I'm reading now.  The stand out is Dear Mr. You.  Earlier today I read Dear Orderly and I nodded so adamantly through my tears that my neck is now sore and my eyes out of focus even with my cheaters. I'm adding Mary Louise Parker to my who to invite to dinner list.  

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I'm a list lover.  I keep them for everything.  Everywhere.  Grocery lists, wish lists, project lists, to read lists, to do lists, places to go lists.  Soon I'll be adding a things to do for college list.  On top of it will be get therapy STAT.