weekending

We woke to a world white washed. It's still snowing. It will snow most of the day. I love the first snow. I love the first snow when it doesn't fall in October. The bright spot is that instead of starting my day logging miles, I'm here to log words. It's something I intended to do all week and here we are on Thursday and well, it seems to be the story of this blog these days. Better late than never.

The same goes for Ted who came home this weekend for a visit (a long overdue haircut, a refreshing steam and a sleep in his own bed too). His first plan was to come home on the 6 a.m. Badger bus Saturday morning. I thought that was ambitious, but I knew he had a long list of things to do so I went with it. Before I left the house not long after sunrise to fetch him from the station, I decided to check on his whereabouts. That was wise as he was still cozy in bed in a dorm room in Madison. He caught a later bus and it was a bit of a fiasco to find him, but it's a story we laughed at all weekend. He came home and the first thing he did was get busy in the kitchen making a breakfast bagel. A breakfast bagel with a side of croissants. He eats well at school, but he misses home cooking and berries. We loaded him up on both. We scratched a hike at the Audubon because he really wanted to hit his gym.

 The other thing he really wanted to do was spend a night at Windmill Beach. What that means is that he wanted to be cooped up in the cabin with family. It means he misses us. And it was a great 24 hours of uninterrupted family time. We made calzones at T. Bone's request, played Wizard (Lily has bragging rights) and cozied up on the couch to watch The Hangover. Lily was the last woman standing. The rest of us were snoring. I shooed Ted to my bed because imo it's dark, quiet, most comfortable. I slept comfortably in the living room and woke up with the sunrise. I was good with that because it was an amen alleluia moment. And then I went back to sleep to the sound of waves until a more reasonable rising hour.

The boys went to golf another of Ted's requests. Ashley and I took a walk. Lily slept. We all came together for breakfast including Mike who was north at the Wege cabin working on projects with his brother. We cleared what's left of the beach of adirondacks and kayaks. The high water this year has reclaimed dunes leaving just a little shore.

I suggested that Ted change his return ticket for Monday morning so he could get a night in his own bed and a little more time with his dad who was late to arrive. He agreed and the 4th ticket for this short visit was procured. It was a good idea though. We made chicken fajitas at his request and crashed in the family room for the Packer game.

He woke Monday morning after a really great night's sleep and we sent him on his way with clean laundry, a breakfast burrito and a big fruit salad. Also a couple dozen cookies my aunt baked for him, I will say that Ted finally knows just how good he had it. College is serious, dorm living is very cozy, life on campus is loud and crowded. And yet he's adjusted to it all and life is good.

It was good to have him home. I've really missed him extra this week. I got a little used to him gone. Then I quickly got used to him here. In some ways it's like starting over again. I keep telling myself that Thanksgiving will be here soon. Too soon. I'm not wishing this time away. Fall is my favorite and we've had such a beautiful stretch of October days. Every morning I walk through a different, more resplendent landscape in awe, energized and grateful. I trust that the snow will melt and there will be more walks before we close in on solstice. The march to darkness makes me feel light and I like it to linger.

Alone in the Dark

Last night I put my head on my pillow only to find myself monkey mind awake.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Slumber elusive even as I pulled out all my sleepytime tricks.
I pray the lord my soul to keep.
Every sound in the house at rest an irritation, a threat.
If I should die before I wake,
No heroics, but just enough energy to scurry down the hall and tuck myself into Ted's empty bed.
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I finally slept dreaming all night of ghosts not in my house, but of the past.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Asleep while aware of the relentless wind gusting at speeds that sounded a challenge to even my house made of sturdy siding and strong cement bricks.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Asleep because I've yet to meet a ghost who scares me.
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be...
Asleep because I have respect for a formidable storm.
World without end.
Asleep. but not at rest.
May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Daybreak came too soon and did not usher in the sun.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
I'm awake, but dreaming of staying in bed all gray day long.
Amen.

Where to Begin

Life has been good lately. Full. We're settling into our fall routines This is my favorite time of year. October is the absolute sweet spot for me. I look forward to starting my days with a brisk walk and a podcast. It makes me crazy happy to stroll along the jewel-toned parkway...not hot, not cold. Just right. If only these Indian summer days could endure. But it all goes and too fast, and too soon.

We visited Teddy last weekend for Homecoming. It's been awhile since we went back for the festivities as alumni. We were there as parents this time, and I could feel the Badger connection even stronger now that we have a legacy. It's a different kind of pride. It was a much looked forward to 24 hour family reunion. It warms my heart that T Bone was genuinely happy to see us. After we dropped off supplies: healthy snacks, a batch of smores cookies and a few containers of his favorite dinner ready to eat, we made our way to State Street to buy Lily a little swag for the game. Ted scored her a ticker in the student section and the two of them headed to Camp Randall after we had lunch at the Nitty Gritty. It's been a long time since I had a Gritty Burger and it was as good as I remember. Mike and I made our way back to State Street to watch the game at Hop Cat and we were both perfectly happy and warm and not at all thirsty.

After the Badger blow-out, the four of met up at Memorial Union where we got a perfectly appointed table in Der Rathskeller. Ted ordered his favorite chicken Alfredo pizza and a giant pretzel for us to share. We played hearts and hung out in the warm, toasty, festive union. It was far better than taking Lil to a bar. We parted ways after dark. Ted went to meet up with friends and we walked all the way up State Street to the capitol. We stopped off at Argus for a night cap and to call an Uber to take us back to our off-campus hotel. It was only 9 o'clock, but it felt like midnight.

Lil wanted a hot shower and some quiet time so Mike and I headed to the bar where we made friends with other parents visiting for the weekend. We exchanged stories and bonded over being in the exact same spot literally and figuratively.

In the morning, we scooped up Ted for his first ever breakfast at the Curve. I'm glad we waited for a table because it truly is one of Madison's best breakfasts. Ted tried to order two pancakes, but Mary said not possible. They are enormous and thick and the size of a dinner plate. She raised her eye brows when he said one cake with two eggs, sausage, potatoes and toast but she put in the order and I could tell she was quite impressed when he just about cleaned his plates.

We came home with bags of laundry. Grandpa brokered a deal. I was to do Ted's laundry and then he picked it up this week and delivered it. Boy's blessed. Also grateful. I was too, because I wanted to get my hands on those sheets. He sent a picture that night of his chicken thighs, wild rice and asparagus plated for dinner. Be still my mama heart.

When Grandpa delivered his laundry Friday, he took Ted and Yash for more Gritty burgers and then he left them with ready to heat up containers of breakfast. Teddy loves Grandpa's breakfast. I'm pretty sure Yash does too now. Grandpa also loves Yash and his perfect British manners. I knew that he would pick his brain about Hong Kong, which is where he is from. Grandpa left just before the boys came from Minnesota and Indiana for the weekend. We haven't heard much from 711 Manning the past few days.

Friday my brother called and suggested happy hour. It's been awhile since we've been together and it was long overdue. Those impromptu Friday nights are always my favorite. We caught up, ordered Poco Loco and uncorked a couple bottles.

Then last night, Mike and I went out for a fancy steak house dinner. It was delicious and lovely and perfect after a day of yard work and chores. Tomorrow we are married 24 years. That is kind of hard to believe, but also beautiful and something to be proud of.

And if October is my favorite month, Sunday is my favorite day. The first day of the week feels more like the last to me and I love the endless possibilities it invites. This morning I was up early to have coffee with my friend who needed me this week and I wasn't there. I have tremendous guilt for not being there, but always better late than never. We cried, we laughed. We looked back and then forward and we both felt lighter after a few hours together.

The rest of today will involve a work out, some cleaning, a little cooking. Lily has requested mashed sweet potatoes and sauteed Brussels sprouts for dinner. I think they'll pair well with a mustard and leek pan sauced chicken breast recipe I've been thinking about. I have a beautiful leek from the Farmer Market this week. We'll FaceTime Ted before the night is through. And truthfully, I'll likely fall asleep in the middle of an episode of Succession. That is more a reflection of the fullness of life lately rather than a review of the series. I am really enjoying the show.

I'm looking forward to another week of October. More walks. Always books. Lily's golf banquet. Tickets to see Hamilton. More family time. Ted comes home Friday. Windmill Beach on Saturday. It's all good. Damn good.

Weekending

Friday I cut out of work early so Jess and I could take a walk on the beautiful fall afternoon. It was my favorite way to start the weekend. We came home and continued catching up over wine and cheese. That's my favorite Friday night dinner. Lily came home long enough in between the parade and the Homecoming game to say yes to going to Maui in 2020. Girl's trip, sweet 16 present, once in a lifetime experience in island paradise. YOLO.

Saturday was the day of the dance. I took her to get her nails done. She is now smitten with the  French manicure. Her toes were an understated blush. Perfect. She met up with her amigas to do hair and make up. Regretfully, I have little to offer her on these fronts. They did well. When we came for pictures, the ladies were all transformed and looked at least five years older. Beautiful too. Classy. Although they are quite beautiful before any of the accouterments.

We dropped them at the dance and decided to opt for a cozy place for dinner on the damp and misty night. I had Pizza Napoletana on the brain.  Mike agreed. We could not agree on the exact pie so we got two more than happy to have leftovers. Quattro Formaggi and Diavola were good pairings. We ended our meal with a little Limoncello. 

Needless to say, after carbs and montepulciano and aperitifs, I was in bed before Lily was back at her friend's baking brownies and watching movies after leaving lots of DNA (sweat) on the dance floor.

She had tryouts for a fast pitch team on Sunday. I enjoyed a tough work out and then made one of my favorite dinners: grilled chicken, pesto pasta and a caprese salad with balsamic. Mike killed the thighs on the grill. They were so so good. I'm usually a breast girl.

It was a low key weekend. I am a big fan of those. Especially this time of year. I enjoyed puttering around the house and in the yard. I also was happy for the time to deep clean and steal pages and bake a ridiculous new skillet cookie smash up. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It's my truth.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

First and foremost...it's Friday. This has felt like the eternal week.

We had to say goodbye to our sweet Peanut and there is relief in knowing that he is no longer suffering. We arrived at the decision as a family. Both kids saw that we tried everything we could and realized that it was time. Peanut is Lily's cat so I was worried most about her. We got him when she was four. All she remembers is life with Peanut. She's doing well. Tigger, on the other hand, seems confused. He's been looking for Peanut. They were together since day one. Breaks my heart.

He's missing his Teddy too.

I was also worried about Teddy. Adjusting to being away from home and then having to deal with a loss is kind of a lot. We let him FaceTime with Peanut and then he sent us pictures and videos that made us laugh and cry all night.

He had a big week too. Papers and exams. Mid-terms!? Excuse me? Did we not just move him into the dorm? He buckled down and got it done. I read his paper. I was impressed. He feels good about his exams. Now he feels good about the weekend and football Saturday.

Lily remarked that I cried harder saying goodbye to Peanut than Teddy when we left him in Madison. I reminded her that Teddy will be coming home.

This girl has Homecoming this weekend. She has two dresses to chose from and plans to get ready with her girlfriends. Golf is over. She is ready to take on school. This semester is harder than she expected. She's not loving chemistry or A Tale of Two Cities. As an English major and a lit lover, I can say that Dickens is an acquired taste.

I'm on track to exercise 6 out of 7 days this week. I feel strong in body and spirit.

I read The Silent Patient this week. It was a compelling two night character study. I'm back to my books even as the fall line-up starts. I'm just not feeling television right now.

I've been struggling with kitchen inspiration lately. Without Teddy no one is keeping me accountable. He would ask me what's for dinner at breakfast. I'm buying too much. He ate for two. I haven't religiously been to the farmer's market, but I have had moments.

Like this ode to Rosie: Banana Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting and Chocolate Ganache. I made it for my Dad's birthday and everyone had a slice. That is rather something because we are not dessert people.

Mike and I perfected a new Marsala sauce inspired by our recent cooking class. It's a bit of a smash up between our recipe and Glorioso's. More marsala, an assortment of mushrooms, fresh herbs.

Smitten Kitchen's Broccoli Melts were Lily approved. I made them Friday night for dinner and then she wanted them again for Saturday lunch. Next time I will reduce the lemon...it was a little bit of a show stealer for my palette.

Sunday we met my Dad and Judy at Gloriosos after their brunch class. It was my Dad's birthday gift and the first gift we've given him in a long time that he was truly excited about. After we stocked up on our faves, we went for a rainy afternoon happy hour. It was a short, sweet, spontaneous soiree.

We came home and gathered around the island for a game of Wizard. Lily and I love the WizARD!

She had off Monday so I cut out midday and we went to lunch and then to her favorite store. We are officially done with back to school shopping because there's mo more room in her closet or money in my wallet.

Christmas is in 82 days.

It's the beginning of October. October is my favorite month of the year. 

A Tough Week Made Tougher

I'm inclined to simply write: the end as in life's a bitch and then you die. To starve the pain and sadness of a voice. But if I keep quiet, the feelings linger just lying in wait for a weak and vulnerable moment. I have it in my mind that I'll beat them to the punch. Speak on my terms. Out them. Lay them to rest.

This stark line I came across in a Renkl essay this week has also been on my mind...

This life thrives on death.

Renkl offers this while ruminating on the birds in her yard and the cycle of life, the natural order, survival of the fittest. Her writing is brimming with undertones of love and loss. How intricately they are tethered. She calls them twins. And it's true because to feel loss we have to feel something else before the perdition whether it's a sense of love or abundance or peace. 

I've loved and lost. Many times. To be a human living a full life, is to love and lose. No matter how many times it happens, it never gets easy. In fact, if we're living with open hearts, it gets more difficult. Once you experience great loss, you may love more fiercely understanding just how precious and fleeting it can be. I do. I do without pause or regret.

We had to make the decision to let our Peanut go last night when it became clear that he was uncomfortable, if not in pain. It was also clear that after six months of empirical treatment, nothing was working and he was in as bad a shape as ever. It's a horrible decision to have to make. The power and responsibility that comes from having the fate of a living thing in your hands in not the kind I covet. It's heavy and forever. 

In the exam room, he nestled into the crook of my neck and was so still for a brief moment I thought he was already gone. I hoped and prayed he had gone. He hadn't. He had simply accepted that we knew best. His passing was peaceful and we have not questioned whether or not we did the right thing in the 24 hours since. That is a blessing at a time like this.

It's funny, but I miss him much more than I expected. Taking care of him in recent months has been trying, yet he's been such a constant companion and the sweetest sidekick I've been privileged to know and love. There is relief in knowing that he is no longer suffering. There is comfort in knowing that he had a good life even though it wasn't long enough.

And all of this comes on the heels of the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing. This particular stretch of time is already fraught and sorrowful. It's a day I don't like, yet it wasn't particularly dire this year. I had a quiet day close to home and I think that was just what I needed. Then Sunday, I ended up with a bottle of wine labeled Long Lake without even thinking about it. Simply because it was on sale. Not until I opened it at home did I realize that Long Lake was where my Mom's family spent many a summer. The stories I half listened to somewhere in the catacombs of my memory. It was certainly a nod. I made a toast. It made me happy because I felt her hand in what was clearly no longer a random choice.

My Mom's been gone eleven years. Peanut was with us for the same length of time, yet for a brief time here on earth their precious lives overlapped. I hope and pray that they're together again. Not just at peace, but happy and healthy too.

Peanut's last Pose