Down The Rabbit Hole

Yesterday was a good day. Today will be too. I was the first one up this morning. I was up early to get Lily going for her opening shift at the golf course. Good thing too because when I entered her cave, three alarms were sounding and she was a bear in hibernation. I don't blame her. I think I could sleep through anything in her dark room...in her comfy bed. I'm just happy that she has a job she likes. If that means I have to get up a wee bit earlier than I might like on my Saturday morning, I can live with it. I'm forever wishing for more hours in the day. It dawns on me that all I have to do is get up earlier.

I didn't have a particularly restful night of sleep. I had to rescue my daughter and resuscitate my drowned cat. I heard voices at one point and at another I was sure someone was shining a light in my face. I didn't wake Mike or go on my own to investigate. I simply turned over certain that everyone was home safe and the doors were locked tight. It's not lost on me that this won't be the case for very much longer. And here I go.

Here I go missing days I'm still living. Nostalgia is such a bittersweet emotion. The sentimentality is beautiful. The wistfulness frustrating. To be a mother, is to live with an open heart. Open hearts make us vulnerable and prone. We feel all the feels. It's the best way to do life, but it's also emotionally taxing. If we don't live our lives with hearts wide open, we miss so much. That's no way to live.

I was going through old photos again, which is doing little for my excessive schmaltz these days. I'm trying to whittle it down for photo collages, but I keep adding instead of taking away. I have so many favorites of Teddy. I ended up in a file that was filled with the pictures of my mom's last days. There is one picture of her bald and bloated in her living room. Teddy and Lily are in her hospital bed with her on either side. I could barely look at that photo knowing it was the last of the three of them. The kids are smiling. Unafraid. Innocent. They know nothing yet of loss or impermanence. Their young lives have been filled with the blessings of tenderness and constancy. My mom's eyes are sad, distant, stoical. She knows all too much about life's economy and all the ways that it can be brutally harsh. They are in the season of firsts. She's been living a year of lasts. Almost to the very day. It still breaks my heart ten years later.
   
 When we accepted that my mom was terminal, I asked her to spend some time writing letters for the kids to be given on milestone occasions. She managed to address a slew of envelopes and write a single letter. It was to Teddy for his 16th birthday. I don't know where it is and I didn't give it to him. I read it shortly after my mom died and I realized how flat the sentiment was. It makes sense too...she couldn't write a personal letter to a young man she didn't know. I have a great deal of guilt for asking her to do this. I can only imagine that watching the stack of envelopes grow was one of the most visceral signs of what she was going to miss. It was selfish and insensitive on my part. I still ask her for forgiveness.

The thing is I know what my mom would say to Teddy upon his graduation with honors from high school. I know what she would say to Lily as she leaves for her first prom. I know what she would say at their weddings. She wouldn't say anything curated or lofty. She would just be there. She would show up looking snappy with a smile on her beautiful face. She wouldn't miss a single thing. 

She missed so damn much.

It's why I chronicle everything here. So that come the day I'm on my deathbed (and come it will), I never have to wonder if my kids know just how fiercely I love them and how being their mom is the best part of  living my life. This blog is one long love letter to my family.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The day off. I really need it. I am trying to fill it with equal parts wants and needs. Taking time to be here is a want...and I guess a need too. I'd like to pen a proper post, but that will have to wait. Instead I will gather the mishmash of my recent days. Good and full days. This is a busy time of year. A busy time of life. Just where we are hit me hard yesterday as I sat in the school gym watching Teddy's AP Spanish class perform the Sevillanas. Everything is culminating. I sat beside a friend's mom I know well, and well, I felt that familiar lump in my throat that my mom wasn't on my other side. Still I felt grateful not to be alone. She mused how I must know many of the dancers. "Yes," I mused, "These are some good kids." I thought to myself...and so grown up. How did this happen? I've known so many of them from just about the beginning. I felt a mama's pride for them all as they are about to go their own ways and do good in this world. Ted looked so handsome. No longer boyishly is what struck me. I wanted to tell him to lose the gum, but that he spent the whole day dancing in front of the entire school made me think better of it. He came home and crashed on his bedroom floor exhausted. He can play 36 consecutive holes of golf, but a day of dancing the Sevillanas does him in. If he ever finds himself in Spain, he'll fit right in.

Last week he made First Team All Conference and this week he qualified individually for Sectionals. His golf season has been gratifying. And it goes on. He has a chance to make it to State. I say chance because golf is so tricky. Fickle. He shot an impressive 69 on a tough course Saturday and then two days later he shot 83 on the same course. One of those rounds is a State qualifier. One is not. No worries though because he's had a great time.

He's got his final AP exam today and then he coasts into the end of senior year. We're in the thick of planning a graduation celebration. We as in Mike and I together with Pete and Sue. Olivia a little too. Ted is just going to show up. Going through the old pictures is a total time suck. An emotional time suck. I could literally make two dozen picture boards.

Lily's softball season wrapped up after a double header last Friday during which I literally froze on the sidelines. The varsity coach said he has his eye on her for next year. They are going to need a first base woman. That's her position except now she is sort of rocking it at short. She's already practicing with her summer team and that season starts very soon.

Both the kids have worked hard to earn all As. I think I take for granted how easy they make parenting high schoolers.

Book club this week. I did something I have never ever done. I didn't finish the book. Sold on a Monday just wasn't grabbing me. I got a third of the way through and then I just gave up. It really didn't matter though because I think the ladies talked about the book for at most 10 minutes. That's partially due to the fact that there wasn't much to discuss and also to the fact that this is just not that kind of club. My aunt hosted at a painting studio so most of the evening was spent as artists not readers and it was fine by me. It was fun and delicious. She put together quite a spread for us to enjoy. That being said, I am starting to question whether or not we can keep calling our group a book club and also whether I can continue as a member if we keep reading historical fiction.

Dani Shapiro is coming to town to read from Inheritance in a couple weeks. She's my favorite memoirist.

Only about two more weeks of making school lunches. It's a labor of love, but at this time of the year it's definitely a chore. I appreciate when I actually get requests. And I do my best to oblige them.

 I feel like I've said this many times before, but I finally perfected my blueberry muffin recipe. The unexpected secret ingredient that adds creaminess and flavor...ricotta cheese. I had a pint of sad berries and a just about expired tub of ricotta and that is how this happens.

I also perfected my quiche. It's not hard, but the egg to liquid ratio is of utmost importance to get the right custardy consistency. Whether you use milk, half and half or cream changes things too. And making the crust is an absolute must. I never make quiche the same way twice, but I will do my best to always make my crust, use half and half and use an egg for every 1/2 cup of liquid. This is the magic combo.

I made Smitten Kitchen's Double Chocolate Banana Bread this week. It was gone in 12 hours. Every last crumb.

$5 tulips on Fridays.

Windmill Beach this weekend. There won't be swimming I'm quite sure, but there will be fun and family.

The rain's let up so I can get out for a walk, which is another need/want on my day off.

It's Okay To Have A Happy Mother's Day

I had a perfect Mother's day yesterday.

Well, near perfect.

It would only have been better had my mom been with us.

The day started with mass.

Judy often joins us on Mother's Day for church.

My dad decided to come too and that's sort of worth mentioning.

He pretty much left religion when he left the seminary obviously long before my time.

He attends when he must...weddings, baptisms, funerals.

So that he came was a big deal and then when he said he actually enjoyed it, I felt something smack dab between relief and elation.

Between us we have many mothers to pray for.

Judy received not one, but two signs.

And that she calls them signs made my heart swell.

After church, we came back to Casa Wags for a rather impromptu and celebratory feast.

The menu included eggs Benedict, Caesar salad, roasted small potatoes, fruit and then flan.

Rose All Day too.

I should mention that the Benedict is Ted's favorite and the salad Lil's.

Making them happy is my calling even on my day.

Especially on my day.

After a particularly simpatico visit, my dad and Judy headed home.

Ted left for a golf lesson and Mike for a visit with his mom.

I curled up on the couch for a nap without too much guilt.

It was glorious.

I woke to the smell of brownies baking.

Lil had been busy in the kitchen making dessert because we needed more decadence.

Mike was home in time to start dinner.

He and Ted worked together to prepare another light meal: chicken medallions, pasta aglio olio and roasted asparagus.

Perhaps, more Rose too.

I didn't lift a finger and I loved every single minute of it.

We took the plates hot out of the dishwasher from brunch to serve dinner.

We lit the same candles and gathered around the table again to toast life and love and being together.

I was gifted the mother load of plants, the best laugh I've had in ages and books I was coveting.

The handmade cards, as always, were my absolute fave.

My family knows me well.

I'm a lucky mom.

As we lingered around the table last night, I was smiling with all my heart.

It was such a good and full day with people I love and for that I can only feel blessed.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Walks through the park. I didn't bundle up and pound the pavement the way I usually do all winter long. I missed logging miles. I've been back at it.

Fresh air. Blooms. Being alive.

One day a little bluebird followed me from tree to tree to sign along the parkway. The sign on the sign was what I needed. Bluebirds remind me of my mom and I always feel her near when they appear. I've long ago given up on getting a picture because they are elusive and that adds to their specialness, but this guy hung around so long that I finally relented.

This line from 300 Arguments: "Difficulty becomes familiar, at least, if no less difficult."

To this, sadly, I can attest.

And this one too: "When the worst comes to pass, the first feeling is relief."

Linda brought me the most beautiful chocolate covered strawberries for Mother's Day. She's not my daughter. She's my boss. She's also generous and thoughtful. These strawberries, that tasted like sunshine and perfection, were purchased recently at Trader Joe's. I'm not a passionate strawberry connoisseur unless the fruit is covered in chocolate, but these were an exception.

His last game. So bittersweet. The sweet is that he didn't play last year and I didn't know that when I watched the last game of that season so I thought there would be more. There were more. The bitter is that now there are not. Thankful for these pictures.

  

We still get to sit in the stands to cheer Lily on.

Teddy won his golf meet today. He's on a winning streak! First in conference. I'm a proud mom.

Peanut seems to have stabilized and we're so grateful for that. My baby with her baby.

This guy is just as lovable.

And cute.

Comrades. They have each other.

Backgammon and Scrabble with my guy. He's always up for a match.

Death by Chocolate cupcakes for lunch the other day. We were having the kind of day where only chocolate would keep us going. And a midday cup of coffee. It worked.

Blistered Shishito peppers. I've been wanting to try them. I picked them up at Trader Joe's. They were interesting. Even my pepper fanatic of a husband was lukewarm on them. Not enough heat. I may keep experimenting.

This sneaky cat. He probably would eat these sweet potatoes.

And this one too. He finally got over his fear of the tunnel.

Yellow jeans. They're my new favorite.

New Birkenstock's too.

A pedicure appointment on the calendar. It is long overdue.

A quiet weekend. A movie tonight. It's going to be perfect for a long walk with Candace tomorrow. I picked up some things for the grill for whenever, whomever. Sunday we'll have a family day. Church, a nice breakfast, a lazy day. I have to start this month's book club selection.

I'm Good

It's been a good stretch of days here at Casa Wags. The days are growing longer. So are my many lists. Line items multiply like rabbits this time of year. Unfortunately, I'm finding it harder and harder to make my way here. I think about carving out some time, and then life comes along. It gets in the way as it's want to do. Truthfully, it makes me feel anxious to be missing so much. Isn't that a paradox? I'm occupied in the present not capturing the daily nuances and details and that presence puts me in a panic.

The weather hasn't been springy and yet it's exactly what spring is here in Wisconsin: a tenuous, unpredictable march forward to July when all the sudden it's sweltering. It sort of amuses me how everyone whines and complains. It's pointless. Soon it will be too hot and humid for all these naysayers.

It's true that we had to bring mittens and blankets to ball fields this week, but at least the rain held off long enough for the games to go on. Ted likely played his last baseball game of his high school career. The condensed two sport schedule is taking a toll. There have been so many rain delays that now all the season's events are being crammed into the remaining weeks. He has a good chance at a run for state in golf too. Right now he's first in conference and he feels that he needs to put his energy and efforts there. It's been a topic of much conversation at Casa Wags. I didn't think it was the best idea to take on two sports in the first place. Then I really wasn't keen on him quitting because he made a commitment to the team. I offered my POV, but it became clear to me that my 18 year old son has his very own and very strong thoughts. My 18 year old son is an adult. Amen!

On the mound.

Lily had her first home run of the season last night. It was exciting and so cool that we got it on video. She's going to play in a summer league and Mike will return to coaching. She's in such a good place too.

It's hard to believe summer is so near on the horizon. Both kids have jobs lined up. He's staging houses and working at the club in the bag room. Lily is teaching beginning golf lessons and working in the pro shop. The kids went out on Sunday with my brother and sister in law. It was a tease of summer of a day. Ted shot lights out and Lil shot well considering it was her first outing this year. They make a great foursome.

My twosome. 

After golf we hosted a little Cinco de Mayo celebration. Any excuse to make my homemade black beans. They are so much better than canned. Mike grilled all the fixings for fajitas (steak and chicken), Lily made her family famous guacamole and I concocted what I think will be a favorite summer cocktail...the watermelon margarita. My sil approved. Refreshing and pretty. Ted ate. We all ate and listened to the Gypsy Kings and toasted being together on such a gift of a day.

Thyme and jalapeno infused simple syrup, watermelon and tequila.

Come to think of it Saturday was splendid too. I didn't realize it until Candace came for a late afternoon walk and talk. All day I was busy in the throes of spring cleaning. It was perfect out and such a treat to spend time with my friend. She stayed for happy hour while Mike ran to the store for dinner. He surprised me with what is maybe the best sausage I have ever eaten: chicken, jalapeno and cheese. We played backgammon and had a relaxed night at home. It was perfect.

I've been exercising more and reading less. Right now all I can commit to is Sarah Manguso's 300 Argument's. It's a book of one-liners. I've been listening to podcasts when I walk. Family Secrets has my attention lately. I was listening to Laura Engel's story of reuniting with the son she was forced to give up for adoption and the tears started to fall. I couldn't contain myself. I had no choice, but to continue walking and crying. It was cathartic. The podcast ended the minute I stepped foot in the driveway. So did my tears. Uncanny. I haven't been cooking elaborate or particularly interesting meals. I'm ready for a little farmer's market inspiration.

Mother's Day is on my mind. I've been dreaming about my mom every night. All I want is for my family to come to church with me... to feel their love. To have some peace.