The sky is spitting today. It's a misty, cloying condensation that makes the air thick and heavy. A small part of me wishes the temperature would drop and turn this mess to snow. Big, fat beautiful flakes is what one expects this time of year. Some of us even long for it. The car pooling, errand running part of me is happy not to have to contend with the white stuff. Also the cynic in me who knows the pristine and peace of a snowfall turns drab grey and gross all too soon.
There's nothing wrong with grey though. Grey is good. I love cloudy days best. It's the perfect muted backdrop to show off the white twinkling lights all over the house today. I have them strewn on trees and wreaths and boughs. After we did the bulk of the decorating Sunday, I turned them all on and turned off every other source of light. It really was beautiful and serene and festive. I'm trying to catapult myself into the Christmas state of mind. I'm tired of talking about my lack of spirit so I'm just doing what I know we do come December. I'm taking my own advice. I'm acting the way I want to feel, but I'm sad to say it only works short-term. So then I find myself listening to that little voice in my head that says : one day at a time...be present...be.here.now. Wow, so much easier whispered than wrought.
Sometimes I feel like I fixate on the weather and the seasons more than I should...more than is healthy. Yet there is no denying that the outside conditions affect my inner temperature and barometer greatly. The time of year is so closely tied to my emotional calendar. My gossamer skin is finer than ever, and my heart simultaneously filled with joy and aching every day of December. It's exhausting even before you add in celebrations and concerts and too many carbs. It's the same for so many of us I know.
Last year I tried to pare things down and focus on the things that matter most to me. I made more time for the people, gatherings and traditions that brought me the most joy. That decision brought much relief. I didn't send cards. Didn't get many either, but with our proclivity toward social networking that is no surprise. I baked fewer batches of cookies, said "no" to invitations that didn't lift me up and "yes" to those that did. I tried to look at shopping like treasure hunting, and found more amusement in the experience despite the few very impossible to buy for people on my list each year. I was going to forego Advent calendars this year since those little chocolates usually get eaten during breakfast, but then Miss Bit asked where they were yesterday. I told her I was sorry, but I didn't get any. She apologized for bringing it up and said, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just making sure we do what we do. Ya know? We gotta do what we do." I tell you that girl is my mini master of ceremonies. They were sold-out at both stores I stopped at last night. I'll try a couple more today because that is important to her. That means it's important to me. We gotta do what we do...ya know? I know.