One Day at a Time

Yesterday was not a good day. Today was much better. It's hard to gauge what was different from Wednesday to Thursday since not much worth mentioning was. It is Thursday? Right?The world just felt heavy and unfair yesterday. It's true what they say (whoever they are): what a difference a day makes. Today I was up by 9 o'clock, bed made, dressed, plan for the day made. I suppose it bears mentioning that I was in bed early last night. I'd really just had enough so I tucked myself in by 9 o'clock and read until I was cross eyed, which was only a few chapters. It was what I used to do before quarantine and I've missed this part of my normal daily routine. 

The boys were up before me this morning. Not normal. Mike was busy in the dining room, his makeshift office. Ted was biking with a friend: his provisional path. I woke Lily according to the note she left on the counter before I left to put in a few hours at work. This girl has yet to find an alarm that does the trick. The office feels like a spa now. I called my dad on the way to pick up a few things at the grocery from my other sanctuary...the car. Is anyone else sick of having nothing to talk about except Covid 19? No where else to go except the grocery store?

Mike and I went for a walk along the river trails when I got home and it was good to get some fresh air, move my body, lose my mind. Ted finished his last exam, thus his first year without much fanfare, or too many beers on State Street. Who really knows what the fall semester will look like for him. For us. Dinner was leftovers from Tuesday so Siete de Mayo. It was even better than Cinco de Mayo. Ted's Dashing now and Lily is watching the final episode of Breaking Bad. Walter White is her major quarantine accomplishment. We've gotten very lackadaisical here on all fronts. Please don't judge.

Right now I hear a train in the distance. It makes me feel wistful, a little weak. That sound on the horizon of crossing the country in the night, it's chimerical. Sunset is 8 o' clock this evening. Ninety-six days of more light, and yet, I feel time slipping away. As the days get longer, darkness gains. Ebb flow, give take. These are such strange, unsettling times. I'm not sure how I feel. I know we're all in this same space, but forgive me if I cannot say I find much comfort in this communion. 

Our neighbor brought over a giant word search earlier. It almost takes up an entire wall. She thought it would keep us out of trouble. She was right. I find it the most ironic metaphor for life right now. I stand before it and I get dizzy searching. It all becomes a confusing jumble just like today's reality. One word at a time. One day at a time. It's the best I can do. I have no idea when this will be over.

Why?

I had a dream last night that I went to pick up dinner and the restaurant was filled with people. No one was social distancing or wearing masks. Actually, it was sort of a nightmare because I was questioning my own sanity. I was wondering if this whole quarantine life wasn't just a social experiment. A Truman Show. I have similar curiosities when I'm awake.

I've been thinking a lot about lemmings. Probably because I started watching Waco this week. I remember the siege on the Branch Davidians the way I recall most things from 1993: vaguely, so this is familiar, but new. As a kid, I absolutely loved watching the Jim Jones story every year. It would come on during one of the rating's sweeps. I'm a little surprised my mom let us watch the cult mass suicide, but those were not the days of helicopter parents, tvs in every room or vast programming. It's not surprising that I've been interested in what makes people followers from a young age. 

In middle school, my neighbors took me to a meeting of the Forum. I crammed into their Volvo with the whole family and felt a little apprehensive. Uneasy because I didn't usually hang out with Tim and Buffy, but also because they gave ambiguous answers to my questions. It turns out the group wasn't religious. The message was more about manifesting our own destinies, but it was off putting because I felt like I was being recruited and told how to think. I never went to a second meeting, but maybe I should have. The last I heard, Tim is a successful doctor. I guess he manifested his destiny. I don't know about Buffy.

Then in college, my closest friend up and left Madison to follow the Rainbow Gathering. I didn't even know that Sarah particularly liked the Dead, but I found out from her landlord, George, that she was gone. I thought I knew her. I'd known her since kindergarten. I thought she told me everything. That day I found out she told me very little. I can't remember how long she was gone, but she eventually grew tired of communal camping, tripping acid and lice. Our friendship was never the same.

I'm not a leader. I'm not a follower. I am someone who asks questions when my intuition is on high alert. It's more of a gut thing than a head thing. I always trust my gut.

Right now my gut is telling me that it's time to forge ahead into the world. I'll wear my mask and keep my distance, but none of this is making sense anymore.

Life is Still Good

The 5th of May always feels like a turning point to warmer weather, longer days and freedom. Not so much this year. I bundled up for my walk this afternoon, the sun never came out to play and carte blanche is not a characteristic of quarantine. And yet I must admit that it was a good day. I still slept too late and only accomplished a small showing of the things I intended to, but I don't feel like I wasted the day away. That is progress, headway, something to sleep soundly on. Only I'm not tired. Yada yada.

Today as I moved along the river paths, my mind was stuck on the concept of habits. I was listening to a podcast and what stayed with me was the idea that we live our backgrounds. Our histories define us. It's been six weeks, give or take, that we've been staying home and in that time, I've adopted both good and not so good practices. Progress aside, my nature is to chastise myself for not using this time more wisely even as I know and understand that these unprecedented times call for compassion and leniency. The things I could have, should have done in six weeks. The other part of my nature is all empathy and grace. I can even be kind to myself and especially during hard times. Times like these. Hard and sacred and even beautiful too.

Dani Shapiro cited a favorite quote of mine as I listened to her podcast today. Revered because it speaks to me and makes me uncomfortable to my core. Discomfort is good and soul shifting. Every time I hear this Carl Jung sentiment I pause and say amen. 

He said, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

It does. I do.

Habit, intention, motive, hope, kismet, karma, fortuna...they all play a hand in every day. Who we are because of where we've been and what we've done smashed up with chance, luck and enterprise.

We are a product of all our experiences whether we know it or not. I am who I am today because of the tacking points in my life. Some obvious like my parents ugly divorce and my mother's untimely death, and others more subtle, but just as powerful. I'm always quick to lay blame and find fault, but sometimes it just is what it is and acceptance of that is its own warrant.

If I've learned anything about life during these strange and solitary times, it's that it is indeed precious. Wild and precious ala Mary Oliver. And also that I need people. I don't need to go out, eat out or set the world on fire. I do need human connection. It's more important than ever to show my love and to express my appreciation. Right now there's no such thing as too many acts of random kindness or too many I love yous. Do it. Say it.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

A mother son adventure to Madison this week. Wrenches in plans and holes in tires aside, it was still time well spent together.

My Badger.

AAA and tow truck drivers.

Lily and I have been watching movies way beyond my normal bedtime. This week we watched her favorite Jordan Peele flicks and then I talked her into the Florida Project, which she loved. I liked it just as much the second time around.

She's keeping herself busy working out and making things. Things like slime, which she hasn't made in years. She's also perfected a flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie that she could sell. Now we're looking for tie dye kits. I feel like she's a kid again.

And they taste even better than they look.

I started a new book this week. In The Land of Men is interesting, but I find myself lacking focus again.

A couple of rainy, windy days this week. We needed the precipitation and I live for the perfect broody day. But today it's sunny and bright and it's supposed to be a beautiful weekend and that's good too.

Ted's golfing with my brother today.

We made Chick Fil-A sandwiches the other night and the copycat recipe was right on point. They were so tasty and the signature sauce was Mmmm good! Our dinner game is on during quarantine. We're definitely working on the Covid-19.

We have to work on the bun. 

Lunches aren't too shabby either. We skip breakfast because we're still asleep.

 Mike's favorite.

One of Lily's favorites.

Shopping in my own home this week. I moved around some furniture, a few lamps and couple paintings and it was a nice refresh especially because it was free. Being home all the time and living in every corner of the house, makes me want to offer it more tender loving care.

Old is new.

I started painting the hallway. I'm starting with the walls, then the stairs and finally the trim. It's a big job, but I know it'll be worth it. This project is long overdue.

The red accent wall will soon be a distant memory.

Ted washed his car yesterday. I don't recall him ever doing that without parental prompting. He vacuumed it too. I guess he is spending more time than ever in his car, but still I was impressed.

My friend Mary made us masks. It sounds like we'll have to wear them any time we go out in public.

Tigger Leo, our resident mood booster.

Freckle Nose.

Always ready for pets.

And to play.

Sneaking a nap.

We're one week closer to an end to quarantine. I think it's getting easier, which is a little unnerving. After 6 weeks, habits form. Some good and some not.

After the storm.

Lessons and Blessings

Yesterday Teddy and I set off for Madison to move him out of the dorm with our tried and true Ikea bags. We packed him up in record time and only had to make 4 trips from room to van. We were channeling our inner sherpas. We cheered our efficiency and took a quick farewell tour of the campus. Note to self: never high five your exploits. Teddy showed me the house he'll move into, fingers crossed, in August. It is literally in the back yard of the business school. Location, location, location. I couldn't see the inside, but it sounds like a sweet spot for 3 guys and I know how excited he is to live with friends, have his own room and a kitchen.

On the way out of town, we drove by the deserted Memorial Union. I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to tell him how much fun it was to sit on the terrace in spring, to hear bands and drink beers and to celebrate the end of the semester...the beginning of summer...and to feel like you literally had the world by the ass. He doesn't know what he's missing.

We drove up Langdon and I showed him the Gamma Phi house and my apartment senior year again. 131 Langdon was straight across the street from the A Chi O house making rush week loud and annoying. I deactivated my sorority senior year, but didn't consider that I'd have to continue to travel up and down fraternity row anytime I went anywhere. I pointed out Mike's studio down an alley and on Lake Mendota. Ted indulged me my memories.

We were cruising on the highway heading home when we heard a quick noise, then another loud humming noise and realized we were driving on a rim with a flat. I stayed perfectly calm and collected which was not an easy task. I got us to the shoulder. My first thought was that I should have peed one more time before we left the dorm. Ted asked, "Who do we call? Dad?" I said, "We call Candace AAA." And that's what I did. While I was on hold for what seemed like forever, a sheriff pulled up to check on us and then wish us luck because apparently AAA is not too reliable in Jefferson County. The driver arrived just a little earlier than we were expecting him so that was a plus. He was a little gruff, but we won him over to the point that he signaled us when to get back in the lane and then slowed the cars behind us after fixing the tire. The whole ordeal was comedic. We had to unload the van, there were trucks flying by us, we had a flat spare, it started to rain, and I had to pee. 

We took the long way home since we couldn't maintain highway speeds on our spare tire. It was an adventure and I have to say that once we stopped at a bathroom, I rather enjoyed the time with my first born co-pilot and our bag of Goldfish. In the final stretch, I asked Ted about what his takeaway from the day was. He said, "Get AAA." Yes, and stay humble, stay calm and pee before any road trip no matter how far!

We unloaded the van. He left to Door Dash. I enjoyed a nice pour and went to bed early. I read until I saw he was home safely (thanks Life 360) and then I slept a sound 10 hours. 

I think we'll remember this day for the duration.

Weekending

I was wide awake at 3 o'clock this morning after just a few hours sleep. None of my usual tricks were working to put me back under. I stayed awake for an hour before deciding to get up and do something. I haven't had any trouble sleeping during quarantine. In fact, I think I've made it quite clear that I am very well rested. And perhaps that's the reason I was wide awake in the middle of the night. I found a movie on Netflix and poured a sleep promoting glass of milk. That made me want a sandwich so I toasted some challah and topped it with a little salami. It was either that or one of the scrumptious cookies Lily made for our girl's viewing of Us earlier (or maybe it was later), one of her favorite movies. I saw that Ted helped himself to a couple when he got home from a photography adventure (his words) with friends. I knew Lily would not be happy if they were all eaten when she gets up this afternoon so sandwich it was. For the record, I enjoyed the movie more the second time around and I didn't fall asleep. I get a lot of flack for that. And I'm having a corner of cookie with my coffee right now. Sometimes quarantine is not so bad.

The first sign of light happens at just before 5 o'clock right now. By the time I crawled back in bed at 6, it was definitely almost day. You wouldn't know that in my cave of a room where every day is cloudy and time of day is always difficult to decipher. I wasn't tired, but I fell asleep. My middle of the night adventure led to a much later and lazier start to the day than I was hoping. But there's little worry because the things I was going to do today, can be moved to almost any other day this week.

This weekend felt almost normal because we are starting to ease back into life. I wanted to say normal life, but this is really a new normal. We spent some time with small groups of people: drinks with neighbors for the draft Friday night and dinner with my brother and sil Saturday. Many people I talk to are starting to slowly and carefully expand their circles. I am discreet about this because I am a little stunned by the vehemence freely expressed by both sides of the aisle. Everyone has an opinion right now. Everyone is an expert.There is rampant judgement and blatant bullying. I really question #wereallinthistogether sometimes. But I won't be censored or silenced on my blog. So yes, we spent time with people who are comfortable doing the same. And also for the record, I will not judge you for choosing to opt out of social gatherings right now or ever. It is your choice.

So it was lovely to have drinks and adult conversation on Friday with someone other than my husband whom I adore. Plus Jo gave my sad hands a paraffin wax treatment and she cleaned my ring better than the jeweler. B & A brought dinner from the club on Saturday. It was such a treat to hang up my apron and it was also delicious. Teddy even came home a little early from Door Dashing to be with us. Dessert was a one bowl chocolate cake that was devilishly rich due to the Belgian cocoa and coffee combo and a very long game of Wizard. Ashley even gave me some free decorating advice. I've got a running list. It was a good visit.

Yesterday I started a new book and then made a stop at the paint store and the hardware store. I never thought picking out a new ceiling fan and toilet seat would be so exciting. When I got home, I made a buffalo chicken dip for the week, a tortellini dish for dinner and a nice balsamic vinaigrette for our Italian salad that night. I thought about taking a walk, but I ended up taking a nap. Mike woke me up to play a game of gin while we waited for the kids to get home. He grilled Italians and we gathered for an easy, but tasty Sunday dinner. Not too much to complain about here.

I've gotten a bit of a late start on this day, but I'm ready for the week ahead. I'm starting to see an end to this and for that reason I think it will be a stretch of days for embracing quarantine life. There is much goodness in being home with loved ones. That is the best part of quarantine.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Getting up before 10 o'clock this morning. I like a lazy morning to last longer.

It's a dreary day, but I have spring flowers strategically placed throughout the house to lift my mood. This is the latest addition.

Ted asked for chicken and waffles this week when my dad dropped off a waffle iron. I've never had this combo. Let me tell you we all loved it and were thinking of who we will make this for when quarantine ends while we licked our plates clean.

Seeing my dad.

I scored some beautiful chops this week. We cooked them up in the cast iron skillet and then basted them with melted butter, garlic and sage. This is my favorite way to prepare chops.

#covidrockswi never took off, but Mike and I found just one rock on our walk through the woods this week. That means people are seeing them, taking them and enjoying them. That was our ultimate goal. We placed a few more and Lily and I will work on another batch.

Games of gin before dinner.

Lily and I went to target yesterday. She got a couple cute things for summer. I put a few things in my cart and then changed my mind. There is nothing I need right now and this is not the time for frivolity. It just does not feel right.

Then we stopped at a market that has a Starbucks in house. Lily was as happy and as thankful as I've seen her since this all started.

A Zoom happy hour with girl friends tomorrow.

Kids who are self-motivated. They are on top of deadlines and projects. They are getting their work done and excelling even under these circumstances.

We started the final season of Homeland last night. Having a show right now is a must.

The sun sets on another week of quarantine.