The 5th of May always feels like a turning point to warmer weather, longer days and freedom. Not so much this year. I bundled up for my walk this afternoon, the sun never came out to play and carte blanche is not a characteristic of quarantine. And yet I must admit that it was a good day. I still slept too late and only accomplished a small showing of the things I intended to, but I don't feel like I wasted the day away. That is progress, headway, something to sleep soundly on. Only I'm not tired. Yada yada.
Today as I moved along the river paths, my mind was stuck on the concept of habits. I was listening to a podcast and what stayed with me was the idea that we live our backgrounds. Our histories define us. It's been six weeks, give or take, that we've been staying home and in that time, I've adopted both good and not so good practices. Progress aside, my nature is to chastise myself for not using this time more wisely even as I know and understand that these unprecedented times call for compassion and leniency. The things I could have, should have done in six weeks. The other part of my nature is all empathy and grace. I can even be kind to myself and especially during hard times. Times like these. Hard and sacred and even beautiful too.
Dani Shapiro cited a favorite quote of mine as I listened to her podcast today. Revered because it speaks to me and makes me uncomfortable to my core. Discomfort is good and soul shifting. Every time I hear this Carl Jung sentiment I pause and say amen.
He said, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
It does. I do.
Habit, intention, motive, hope, kismet, karma, fortuna...they all play a hand in every day. Who we are because of where we've been and what we've done smashed up with chance, luck and enterprise.
We are a product of all our experiences whether we know it or not. I am who I am today because of the tacking points in my life. Some obvious like my parents ugly divorce and my mother's untimely death, and others more subtle, but just as powerful. I'm always quick to lay blame and find fault, but sometimes it just is what it is and acceptance of that is its own warrant.
If I've learned anything about life during these strange and solitary times, it's that it is indeed precious. Wild and precious ala Mary Oliver. And also that I need people. I don't need to go out, eat out or set the world on fire. I do need human connection. It's more important than ever to show my love and to express my appreciation. Right now there's no such thing as too many acts of random kindness or too many I love yous. Do it. Say it.
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