Why?

I had a dream last night that I went to pick up dinner and the restaurant was filled with people. No one was social distancing or wearing masks. Actually, it was sort of a nightmare because I was questioning my own sanity. I was wondering if this whole quarantine life wasn't just a social experiment. A Truman Show. I have similar curiosities when I'm awake.

I've been thinking a lot about lemmings. Probably because I started watching Waco this week. I remember the siege on the Branch Davidians the way I recall most things from 1993: vaguely, so this is familiar, but new. As a kid, I absolutely loved watching the Jim Jones story every year. It would come on during one of the rating's sweeps. I'm a little surprised my mom let us watch the cult mass suicide, but those were not the days of helicopter parents, tvs in every room or vast programming. It's not surprising that I've been interested in what makes people followers from a young age. 

In middle school, my neighbors took me to a meeting of the Forum. I crammed into their Volvo with the whole family and felt a little apprehensive. Uneasy because I didn't usually hang out with Tim and Buffy, but also because they gave ambiguous answers to my questions. It turns out the group wasn't religious. The message was more about manifesting our own destinies, but it was off putting because I felt like I was being recruited and told how to think. I never went to a second meeting, but maybe I should have. The last I heard, Tim is a successful doctor. I guess he manifested his destiny. I don't know about Buffy.

Then in college, my closest friend up and left Madison to follow the Rainbow Gathering. I didn't even know that Sarah particularly liked the Dead, but I found out from her landlord, George, that she was gone. I thought I knew her. I'd known her since kindergarten. I thought she told me everything. That day I found out she told me very little. I can't remember how long she was gone, but she eventually grew tired of communal camping, tripping acid and lice. Our friendship was never the same.

I'm not a leader. I'm not a follower. I am someone who asks questions when my intuition is on high alert. It's more of a gut thing than a head thing. I always trust my gut.

Right now my gut is telling me that it's time to forge ahead into the world. I'll wear my mask and keep my distance, but none of this is making sense anymore.