Happysad

 

So it's a perfectly gray, broody day. It's just what I love in December. I woke up to a dusting of snow. That's fine by me too. I was looking forward to a morning walk especially since a new season of Shapiro's Family Secrets drops today, but I opted to log my miles on the elliptical this morning instead. Since when does a little snow deter me? I tell you my constitution is weakening. The truth is that I feel a little fragile. Porous. Prone. I'm just a tad sad too. It's what I call happysad. You may know it as wistful.

It's a holiday thing and not bad. This time of year I feel all the feels and it wears on me. I find myself on the verge of tears over a song on the radio, or a story on the news, or a memory in my head. There are just so many rabbit holes and just as many triggers. I feel like I'm dodging land mines and bullets on the seasonal quest for joy and merriment.

It doesn't help that Amy's funeral was last Saturday. That was a tough one. Until I stepped foot in the church and laid eyes on her sister, I was mostly numb with disbelief. How could my vibrant, bad ass, warrior friend be gone from this earth? Sitting through an hour plus funeral and two beautiful renditions of Amazing Grace finally convinced me that she's gone. Seeing our mutual friends, brought on the grief like being hit by a rogue wave on a calm day. I even surprised myself by how gutted I felt. And yet I was grateful to celebrate her life with them. Hearing the reverend's homily, brought me much needed comfort. He went to visit her in Arizona in the last year and they talked about the tough stuff and while he confirmed that Amy didn't want to die, she wasn't scared and she did so on her terms. It reminded me that the loss is ours. She knew she was going somewhere amazing.

Her untimely death has me thinking about my life more than usual. It occurred to me that there are things...many things...I want to do differently to be living my best life. When I say that I don't mean most exciting or fun or successful. I mean truest to my heart. My biggest fear is regret. Again not regret of making more money, or traveling more, or having more stuff. I don't want to regret not giving myself fully in my relationships. The fact that I fell out and then reconnected with Amy and our college crew when I did feels like a Hail Mary. We got busy, we moved away and had jobs and families and obligations. And then Amy got sick and we came together as though we had never lost touch and I'm beyond grateful for that. How close it came to being different. It's a reminder to me that it's never to late to say, I love you, I'm sorry, I forgive you, I think you're amazing, I'm here for you, Yes, I'll be there, How can I help? or whatever else I think someone I love might need to hear. It's probably just what I need to say too.