I Need Drugs

Finding myself here is yet another act of procrastination. I employ many these days. The most popular include reading, walking and cooking. They are all good things that I enjoy, but I am enjoying them when I should be doing other things. And while writing about what I'm not doing is a way of working through the tough stuff, it's still putting it off. I'm not even fooling myself. I need to get through it. I know this. This I know.

I've been so holed up in my head that it's starting to take a toll. I feel high levels of stress and anger, low levels of energy and enthusiasm, and plummeting levels of hope and happiness. The number one culprit is my lack of a job, but they just keep piling on and on and on. I'm not really talking to anyone. I'm holding it all in. I know that's not healthy or helpful, but it's where I'm at. Batten down the hatches baby.

The sickness of it really struck me last night when I was bone tired and just wanted to go to bed. Instead I stayed up and read because I dread waking in the middle of the night with a million worries on my mind and the sound of my nag heart beat beating away. I also cannot bear the calendar turning to another day of what is starting to feel like stagnation. I feel stuck. There I said it. Stuck and sinking in a pool of quick sand. I have all this time, but I'm afraid to live my life amidst all this uncertainty. I'm living a very little life right now.

I don't feel like I'm being a good mother or wife or friend and its breaking my heart because the people I love are my greatest riches. They're all I really need.

The thing is I'm wired as a pessimist. I'm prone to go to the worst places. This isn't new, and yet, this is different. I think that's owing to this middle place I'm in: halfway through my life if I'm lucky, between jobs if I'm lucky, preparing to send my son off into the world and my daughter to high school. Too many ifs...so many hows.

I'm paralyzed by fear and sadness. Some days I don't want to leave my house, and I get anxiety just thinking about it. It's true. Mid-month I feel on the verge of tears for days. This is starting to seem hormonal, which would make sense given the middle place.

I'm pretty sure I need a script, but that would require going to the doctor, which is very bad for my anxiety and my blood pressure. Years ago, I asked my doctor for something for anxiety and she suggested therapy. I'm not against it, but I don't understand how practically everyone I know is on Klonopin or Ativan and all she can give me is talk therapy.

I still haven't heard boo from by father. My step-mother confirmed that he is playing the victim even though he was the aggressor. He is spouting off about how no one cares about him and seems to forget that I was last to reach out. I have been on my knees about this one and yet I'm still stuck here too. I love him so I don't want him to feel unloved. He hurt me and so I want to know that he knows he was wrong and has remorse. I think he needs some drugs too, and that's not meant to be funny.

And then there's the whole extended family drama. Sabrina got to TJ as I knew she would. When he said that he and Kate were planning to come solo for Easter, I about choked and croaked. I knew when she found out she would put the kibosh on it and STAT. Yesterday I got word from him that tickets are too expensive. Today I got word from Judy that he and Kate are going out to visit Sabrina. I'm sure she paid for the fare when she found out he was coming to Wisconsin. Bribery. It's no coincidence that Sabrina texted Judy yesterday to tell her this. She knows it'll get back to me. If there's no relationship with her, she'll make sure that TJ is collateral damage. She will hold their her inheritance over him for the rest of time doling it out to control him and keep him in her crazy life. At first I was pissed, but now I'm relieved. I wasn't really feeling house guests right now and her ongoing twisted manipulations only remind me of why I don't want a relationship with her any more. 

I just want to know how and when this family became so fucked up.

These are the things I'm escaping from.

Can you blame me?