Warning: Unfiltered

 

So I came here a couple times since my last post with the intention to write. To write about another lovely weekend, the necessary return of my morning walk, the absolute cuteness of my 4 month old kittens, but I just couldn't find the words to wax on. There's some pretty heavy shit going on right now and it's clogging my energy. In the shower this morning, I made peace with the fact that the only way out is through. The way I get through is to write. It's what helps me make sense of things.

I've spent most of this summer unsettled. Low level anxiety has been thrumming just below the surface continuously. The causes vary. Vary in origin and severity. There are those vital parts of life that cause stress and then there is quite simply life itself. It's fragility, it's fleetingness, it's fucking unfairness. There I said it. Life isn't fair.

Yesterday I was texting with girlfriends making plans for our Windmill Beach weekend and then we got the response from the guest of honor that she may not be well enough to come. Fucking cancer! God I felt like a heel for carrying on about plans and for getting excited about sharing the Lake Michigan magic with my fristers. I imagined a relaxing weekend spent mostly on the beach. Kayaks in the morning, beach walks midday and cocktails at gloaming. I knew the weekend would have it's sad moments because treatment is not going as hoped for, but still holding onto hope. And now we know conventional treatment has been exhausted.

I remember when my mom was told that there was nothing more that could be done. You know it's coming although you're still praying for divine intervention, and yet it still feels like a sucker punch. It's that unthought known. You refuse to go there because it's too dangerous, but deep down you know. My mom left the hospital on that shitty day and lived for 5 long short more weeks. There's really no way to share the way it feels to wait for someone you love to die. To know death is coming, to face it, accept it and let go. Unless you have been through losing someone to a terminal illness, it's impossible to fathom the severity of shock, loneliness and devastation. I was numb and yet I felt everything. And I cannot even fathom what my mom was going through.

No, this strong, brave friend...she's not giving up. There's hope for clinical trials and we'll certainly welcome a miracle, but I don't know what to do with her admission that she only wishes she had a little more time to do a few more things. I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like too much to ask for.

Everything

It felt like fall these past few days, and I'm not going to lie...it was sort of wonderful. I think I feel comfortable saying that because I know the heat and humidity are returning today. It's been cozy reading weather. My favorite. Last night Finn tucked himself in bed beside me and was the sweetest little reading buddy. I finished one book and started another. Both of them thrillers, which is an easy summer genre. Hazel made her way to bed at lights out and she kept me mostly awake most of the night. Sister can purr like a mufferless engine. She also went from the top of my pillows where she kept nuzzling my ear and biting my bun to under the covers seeking my hands for pets and talking rather loudly when she felt the urge. I know I should have removed her, but have you seen her? She's just the most honeyed little lady and Mike is traveling so I have the whole bed to myself.  I'm dragging a bit today.

I have a lot on my mind right now. The world feels heavy: the wide world and my small one. Most of my current baggage is admittedly first world, but it's still mine and burdensome. First and foremost, we are scrambling to find a place for Ted to live next year partially due to circumstance and then to the fact that he's a 20 year old optimist who believes that things will always work out. There are very very few (like 2) two bedroom campus area apartments available for rent this fall. Fingers crossed he gets one of them. He doesn't seem too worried. A small part of me wonders if he doesn't just want to stay home where he gets meals, laundry and cuddly kittens. Hmmm...he did call me earlier to ask what's for dinner. And shhh, but I sort of love my little kitchen muse.

I love having him home...usually, but I am looking forward to a normal year of college for him. The past year and a half have been beyond strange. These are supposed to be some of the best years of his life...not the most unusual or unsettling.

So there are the logistics of securing a place and then coordinating moving out of his current apartment and across town. We're finally doing some overdue college visits with Lily. She wants to go to UW so fingers crossed there too because even though she's an exceptional student, admissions are tougher and tougher. And then there's just the eking out the wonderfulness that is summer.

Since the pandemic, I've eschewed plans. We've become rather spontaneous at Casa Wags and it suits us. I was on the phone with my girlfriend Friday evening and it seemed silly we weren't together in person so she came with a cold chardonnay and I threw in a pizza and it was sort of perfect. After a Saturday of taking care of business, Mike was on the phone with his brother and he invited him for dinner. I called to invite Jess too. It was a quintessential summer night that begged company. I made Moroccan Chicken which is always a hit with my family. It's a tad embarrassing to be yumming your way through your own cooking though, but I tell you that combo of yogurt and harissa and ras el hout is a party in your mouth. A really fun party!

And it's just occurred to me that a healthy portion of my stress may be my now unhealthy relationship with plans and obligations. I'd rather come what may. Case in point. It's dusk and Teddy just came home from a home run derby with friends and now they're playing basketball in the yard. The honey soy glazed chicken thighs are almost ready and although I didn't plan to feed four hungry guys, I'm happy to. And some day when I'm at one of their weddings they'll say remember when Mrs. Wags had that killer dinner ready for us when she didn't even know we were coming. I'll blush and say, it was nothing all the while knowing it was everything.

A cute girl and her cute cat

 

Thank you Jess...snap dragons are one of my favorites.

 

What you eat with Moroccan Chicken.

 

What you don't eat.

 

After dinner

 

At 4 months, Gus is catching up to Hazel.

Go Brewers!

 

Go Bucks!

 

Reading Buddy.

 

Plenty

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Cooler temps this week. Mike and I went for a walk last night in sweatshirts. The windows have been open day and night. The flowers are enjoying a respite from the heat and we are too.

Crumbl Cookies. We had them for dessert on Monday. It was so fun to sample all the unique flavors and we all favored a different cookie. Who ever knew that a cornbread cookie with honey buttercream would be something that you would want to eat. 

The 8 year old cheddar my parents brought from the farmer's market. Good cheese is the best treat..

Judy loved the kimono I gave her just because I knew she'd wear it well and every girl needs one. She loves Lil Goose too.

 

A fab fourth weekend.

My sun rash is mild considering the amount of sun I got.

I didn't finish Watching You on the beach last weekend as planned, but I will finish it this weekend and then I have a to get through the last 100 pages of Between Two Kingdoms before I delve into the couple waiting that I'm very much anticipating. I'm hoping I got my stride back.

Turquoise jewelry in summer.

A new madras plaid shirt in my favorite colors...pinks.

I'm making my way through my pictures. Getting them loaded and sorted. I've taken so many that it's been a bit overwhelming.

Broccolini.

Lily's homemade granola.

 My cat nappers.

 A slow and easy weekend spent close to home.

Dear Lily

 

It was a treat to spend uninterrupted quality time together at Windmill Beach this past weekend. It's your happy place. Mine too. We're blessed that we get to share in the magic of family time at the beach. I was telling a story Saturday about how you could swim before you could walk. It's almost true. You've been a water lover from the start. Me too. Fancy that...we two fire signs favoring the wet stuff. You get right in though while I have to take my time. You've mastered mind over matter. I'm still working on it.

This year you gravitated to the ladies instead of the kiddos during the festivities. You preferred adult conversation and even told your aunt how very much you liked her girlfriends after they left. I happened to overhear that te ta tete, and I was impressed that you took the time to share your affinity. I have to share that I received many compliments about you as well young lady.

I was looking back on the pictures from the weekend and I see a lightness in you I haven't seen for awhile. I blame that on the stress of junior year and Covid. I love the shots of you with Floaty Mingo because it reminds me you are only on the edge of seventeen. You blew that floaty up all by yourself and then you lolled around the lake without a care in the world in your pink bikini and a pair of my old sunglasses.

 I'm happy to see you happy. You have claimed Finn and the two of you have closely bonded. Of course, you love all three of the kit kats, but he is your guy...you are his person. You love your job and the kids in your group even the annoying and naughty ones. You are kind of a rock star amongst counselors and you're a little proud of that. And after work every night, you are spending time with friends. After a year of screens and social distancing, I love that you and E decided to go out for a moonlight stroll in the middle of the week. Tonight you're going to the Brewer's game. You are quite passionate about baseball this summer. You never miss a game. This will be the first in person this season, but not the last I am sure.

August is going to be a busy month of birthdays and college visits and soaking in summer. You asked to go away this summer. We're all missing Webb Lake, but we were too late in booking. At this point, we're thinking about spring break because there's so much going on that it's hard to break away for a week right now. We're lucky we can escape to Windmill Beach with 30 minutes notice. Believe me, we'll be doing that!

I love you Cutie and I'm so blessed you are mine,

Mom

4th of July Weekending

Fourth of July at Windmill Beach has a special place in my heart. The water and the drinks are cold, the sand and the sun are hot, and the fireworks are prolific. Our big show was Saturday. My brother and sil are the most inviting host and hostess, and my brother is also a pyro master. But many other neighbors partake so whether you look north or south, you see bursts from dusk to dark all along the coast. I definitely get my fireworks fill over the holiday weekend, but I can never get enough of the beach.

Saturday it was steamy out. As hot as the air was, the water was just that cold. Most of us managed to get in, and the kiddos somehow stay in more than out. It was quintessential bbq beach day: Spike Ball, kayaking, paddle boarding, day drinking, Yacht Rock playing, burgers and hot dogs on the grill at gloaming perfection. When the party broke up after dark, the fam headed to the beach for a night swim. Night swimming also holds a singular place in my heart. The water was just as cold if not colder than during the day, but going in and under is a long lasting thrill and a tribute to being alive. It's hard to take the plunge, but also necessary and worth it.

Sunday morning Teddy and Uncle B Bone had an early tee time because they are crazy. All the rest of us wanted was another day on the beach, but first I ran home to check on the kitties. They were happy to see me and to be fed, but they did quite well in the 48 hours they were home alone for the first time. I didn't stay long because I was in charge of breakfast and also eager to claim my beach chair. The air was much cooler Sunday and the water was warmer. It was a welcome change in weather. The activities were the same although we didn't set off fireworks because they were all gone. Lily suggested a gloaming family beach walk. It was a lovely idea and something we will do again. Teddy napped, but next time he'll join us. While we waded in the water and down the beach at that liminal time, we were treated to more patriotic displays. And then we went night swimming again before dinner because why not?

We packed up and headed home early Monday. Teddy had another tee time, Lils had plans and Mike and I recovered and reset for dinner with my parents. We threw steaks on the grill and I made a Caesar salad, which is a favorite of my dad and my girl's. The guys taught Teddy how to play cribbage. The girls chatted and snuggled kitties. As they drove off with the top down at twilight, I thought what a lovely night...what a beautiful weekend of family and friends and celebrating our country.