Give

Whatta week it's been!  Something tells me you may be having one too.  It seems like the whole world is running rampant - trying to find the perfect gifts, wrap the perfect presents, make perfect confections, throw and attend the perfect parties and have the all around perfect Christmas when really the best part is just sitting before the imperfect tree with a hot toddy and a few classic crooners caroling.

And speaking of carols, Bing was belting out I'll  Be Home For Christmas yesterday just as the doorbell rang.  It was the UPS guy delivering a package from relatives on my Mom's side.  I accepted the box and then quickly shut the door because I couldn't contain the grief I felt washing over me.  It moved through me and I became a heaving, sobbing, shaking mess in a moment.  A puddle on the other side of the door. All I could think was that my Mom wouldn't be coming home for Christmas.  No revelation intellectually, but emotionally still jarring and upending.

I'm not going to fib and say that this year I'm filled to the brim with Christmas spirit. I feel it at times...many times...but there are equally as many times that I'm simply going through the motions.  It's not just me though. I've commiserated with many friends who are feeling the same : little to nothing...numb.  I think it's because we have strayed from the true meaning of Christmas.  Just this morning I was watching GMA, and they aired a segment questioning whether or not it's acceptable to overindulge our children in the name of Christmas.  One mother was an emphatic yes.  One expert was a resounding no.  We've lost the meaning she warned.  Christmas is about giving and togetherness, she waxed.  I waned.  The last I checked, Christmas was about the birth of Jesus, and the grace that is ours because he was born only to give his life for our salvation.  So yes, it is about giving, but not the latest and greatest of things...of ourselves.




 

3 New Friends

I have great expectations that I will complete at least a weekend's worth of baking and wrapping in just hours today. That being said, I am short on time to blog, but I simply must make the time to share the experience we just returned from this snowy morning lest it lose its luster. It was a morning that begged us not only to stay inside, but to stay in bed too. I knew we couldn't as soon as I saw the unplowed roads and inches quickly accumulating. I feared that volunteer turnout for today's poinsettia delivery would suffer. We signed up to deliver the plants and Christmas cheer to members of our parish community who are home bound or confined to nursing homes at Miss Bit's urging. I thought of all the Grandma's and Grandpa's waiting for us and knew a little snow could not dash our plans or their hopes.

We were greeted by a parish center abuzz with volunteers, and I felt proud to worship with these people who have such kind hearts and generous spirits.  They committed.  They came. They delivered.

We set off with cards, books, plants, prayers, and hosts in our Santa hats to pretty familiar territory.  Coach set us up with a trio of erstwhile parishioners who live in the village I grew up in.  Our first visitor was waiting for us in the lobby of her apartment building.  At first I thought she was eager to see us.  Then she took the plant, handed us some banana bread and declined a visit, and I surmised she was eager to see us go.  Only we stood talking with Doris in the lobby for 10 minutes before she asked for communion and then finally said goodbye.

Allen was waiting for us in his apartment, and was very welcoming although we did stand and talk in the hallway.  He thought the plant was lovely and talked about having his reader read him the book because he has macular degeneration.  He gave us handshakes and a blessing before we left.

Our last stop was Florence in the high rise next door.  We were told that she was shy so I was a little nervous that she might not even open the door.  She did, and she invited us in.  She was so sweet and slight, and reminded me uncannily of my Great Aunt Charlotte.  We had the nicest visit with Florence.  It ended in warm hugs for all of us and then she tried to slip Miss Bit $.

As we approached the lobby, we saw Allen in the vestibule.  He was waiting for us because he was so touched by our visit that he wanted to give us a gift too.  We did take the bottle of sparkling cider he offerred.  He walked next door in the snow and stood waiting for us for 20 minutes so he could thank us again.  We were all beautifully touched.

This is what Christmas is all about.  Goodwill and kindness are free, yet often in short supply. Generosity is the gift that keeps giving.

Miss Bit and I decided that we want to share some baked goods with our new friends. And as we add friends to our list, I have to add batches to my line-up.  

Checking In

I was up for hours in the dead of last night.  Insomnia is such an anxiety junkie.  I tried every known tactic of diversion, yet I kept circling around the same worries. Fears are so much scarier alone in the dark.  There is nothing worse than the rest of the house or block sleeping soundly while your own mind races and roams.  I finally fell back to sleep just before it was time to get up.  You know that drill...right?  That makes for the kind of entry into a new day that I find a little abrupt.  It leaves me akimbo.  Nothing a few cups of coffee and a little time here won't remedy. I'm already laughing about the lunch I packed T. Bone: two kinds of crackers, clementines and a candy bar.  Not my best effort, yet still much better than the things many of his friends bring.  Then I went on to pack Miss Bit a lunch even though she wanted hot lunch today.  And packing her a lunch is no small feat.  I've come to realize that she's not so much picky as she is particular. Tell me you know the distinction.

I'm just happy I don't have to leave the house today.  Coach and I shopped yesterday from 9 o'clock in the morning until almost 9 o'clock at night with an hour break for lunch and a wimpy 15 minute nap in the afternoon.  We made a dent, but have a ways to go.  It was exhausting both physically and spiritually.  I love to give gifts, but this year the consumerism of Christmas is weighing heavily upon me.  It's piggish to buy more when we all have so much.  Wolfish too. Christmas shopping has not been an exercise in civility.  Patrons can be cold and greedy. Associates can be aloof and even surly.  It furthers my deep down feeling that this is not what it's all about, but then we know that even as we continue to ignore what is always true: our actions speak much louder than our words.

Today my actions will include baking.  I haven't started a batch yet and I'm not exactly sure how far I'll get, but the kids have started asking after their favorites and that's all it takes.  I usually end up making about 10 different kinds of cookies.  We all have our requests, and then my inner Martha kicks in and I feel the need to round out the choices so as to make a pretty, balanced platter.  Really my cookies are not the most tedious or fancy, but they taste good.  They taste like my childhood and I guess that's why I do it. I'll also whip up some Irish cream. It's so much better homemade than store bought especially if you use good whiskey.  It's all about the Jamesons. I use Paula Deen's recipe, but I should get my mil's.  Her Irish cream is my favorite.  I keep the bottle she gives us.  The bottles I make I like to give as hostess gifts.  Really who needs or wants another set of festive spreaders or coasters or glass charms?

Later today I'll roast a chicken and maybe some potatoes for dinner.  Roasting anything brings me such a sense of immediate earthly calm.   First the sight and then the smell.  Ultimately the taste.  And it's the gift that keeps giving because a pot of stock simmering away on the stove the next day is the most extraordinary of elixirs.  I plan to find time to finally finish The Telling Room too.  How I have struggled with Paterniti's work!  I've got less than 70 pages now, and just now the story is flowing for me...the pages are flying.  I think it was just not what I thought it was going to be. Errant expectations can be the most stalwart of road blocks.  Over the weekend, I finally finished Sense and Sensibility.  I've been involved with Austen's first novel since July.  Life and faulty equipment are to blame, and just maybe the fact that I have the tendency to read five to seven books at a time.  I'm no Janeite, but I rather loved her take on the rules of inheritance and may continue on chronologically through her works. As an English major I'm ashamed to admit I've only read Pride and Predjudice and Emma. The movie is on hold for me at the library.  If I am lucky, I may find time before dinner to watch Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant and Greg Wise as Elinor, Marianne, Edward and Willoughby.  I think I can entice my movie loving Miss Bit to join me. Who knows...if I get her started at 9, she just may become a Janeite.  There are certainly worse things to be.

Well, after rereading this entry I see that I really must get busy.  Today's list is a long one...a satisfying one.

2 day pass

the snow didn't come until sunday, but t. bone had his first ski club trip friday after school.
he came home exhausted.
miss bit was over the moon to have a date with aunt jess.
the girls went out for dinner and ice skating.
lil came home with a super-sized purple rhino named henry.
thanks girlfriend!
at first i felt a little badly that i took a rain check.
but i could tell that miss bit was more than happy to have a little one on one time with jess.
frankly i found it sweet that she wanted her all to herself.
saturday t. bone was up and out the door early for a friend's bar mitzvah service.
he's got a cache of yarmulkes in every color of the rainbow now!
i took lil out looking for things to put on her christmas wish list.
it's awfully tough when you don't want for much... much except a bow and arrow like katniss and a pony like picasso.
i had to remind her that santa is not authorized to bring weapons or pets.
astutely she added that if you do not ask, you will likely not receive.
i couldn't argue with that.
thankfully we ignited a few more reasonable desires as we perused the aisles.
my brother and sil joined us for dinner.
coach made the yummiest jalapeno poppers.
they were wrapped in bacon.
he made sinful queso and homemade margarita mix too.
then we carried out from a fave mexican place nearby.
si es verdad...miss bit is now a raving fan of the steak taco.
i didn't tell her tys (told ya so!)
it was snowing when i woke sunday morning.
the kids went to sunday school and we went for coffee and bagels.
we met up again for church where we were happy to see our inspiring father t.
lil added $5 of her own money to the food pantry collection and urged me to sign up to deliver poinsettias next week to home bound parishioners.
she only needed to perform one act of kindness for the day, but kindness is kind of contagious and irresistible.
we spent the rest of the day at home watching the snow fall and fall.
except the kids went to the sledding hill and then brought friends home for hot cocoa and dinner in that order.
hot cocoa topped with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate syrup...a meal in itself.
miss bit redeemed her advent ticket for her choice dinner.
she chose well: homemade mac and cheese, grilled pork chops, broccoli and applesauce.
it was still snowing when we went to bed.
the world seemed so full of peace thanks to the blanket of white.
the weekend was full of moments of peace and solitude, and moments of joy and togetherness too.
it was a keeper.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Miss Bit had a date with a girlfriend Sunday.  She was so excited to spend the afternoon together.

I completely understood her excitement because I had breakfast with a college friend and lunch with a high school friend the day before.  I was equally as happy to be in the company of such good friends.

T. Bone went to work out with his Uncle.  He is working on 6 pack abs.  After they worked up a sweat, they went out for hot wings.  Guys.

A sweet and tasty gift from a friend between my door this week. She is always so very thoughtful like that doing little things to touch my heart.

Coach for putting the tree up the same day we got it (a record) and getting the lights on within 2 days of that (another record).  I think he wanted to fast forward my Christmas spirit.  It worked.

Ted was home in time to help decorate the tree and he did so of his very own accord.

Big Boy burgers at the Kilowat.  Now if only they had the Swiss Miss.

We won a gift certificate to our favorite pizza parlor in the church raffle.  We never win anything in the church raffle.

Frasier firs.  We ended up with balsams the last couple years, but these are the best for lots of ornaments. We are now in the category of lots of ornaments and I love them all.

Watching Hostages with T. Bone on Monday nights.  He is so into his little cache of dramas.  I remember feeling like a big kid when my Mom let me watch Quincy and Murder She Wrote with her.  He is almost 13, and technically a big kid, but forever my little boy.

St. Nick came last night.  All the kids were happy to see full stockings this morning.  And they were full to overflowing because they are so well behaved.

Fred, our Christmas house elf (I just like saying that), is back much to Miss Bit's delight.  She has been waiting.  Searching.  Hoping.  Maybe even praying.

This sentiment because I do...I prefer winter and Fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape — the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show. ~Andrew Wyeth

I finished and loved Glass Castle for the second time and started Wharton's Summer.  I get a kick out of the irony of starting this classic on the cusp of winter.

Both the kids are invested in good, engaging books right now.  That makes me happiest of all.

I'm almost finished with The Telling Room.  I must tell you...I have struggled mostly due to the tiresome footnotes and journalistic flair of this telling.  I want more juice and less pretense.  Paterniti has yet to compel me even as I want to try the Paramo de Guzman, travel to the Castile region, and drink Ambrosio's house wine.  Maybe it's because I already love cheese, wine and Spain.

My step-mom and cousin are in Hawaii for the next week.  They love Hawaii. I love them.

Advent.  Calendars.  Candles.  Sermons.

T. Bone and Miss Bit have a new common interest (well, new to him)...Mine Craft.  They have set up shop at the dining room table where they sit side by side and game.

Christmas Chi

Coach and I got the lights on the big tree last night.  Now we really are the Griswolds. Well, not really because we only use white lights around here.  And no inflatable Santas sit on our lawn.  Usually, he takes this light business on solo.  My Mom used to say there were three times every year she and my Dad almost divorced: when they put up the tree, put on the screens or put on the storms.  I have heeded her warnings in spite of the fact that I suspect these seasonal tasks had little to do with their split.   We got the job done quickly and without a single snarky comment proving that we make a pretty good team.  I lit a favorite candle...one I always save unlit from year to year... and then we sat admiring our perfect tree ablaze. It smelled so good...tree and candle...that I decided I'm done saving candles if you know what I mean.  And I'll always have at least one real tree.

Miss Bit and I will decorate the tree after school today.  She gets out early and T. Bone has plans to spend the extra free time with friends probably just because he doesn't want to help.  I have plans to make her a festive snack and tell her all the stories about the the ornaments we unbox before we hang them on the tree. It's an oral tradition this passing on of tannenbaum history. The forecast hints that this rain may even turn to snow by afternoon so, perhaps, we'll cozy in for a viewing of Elf or A Christmas Story.  I'm really upping the ante here.

I found Advent calendars yesterday at one of my stops.  It was the first thing she asked me when she got in the car after school reminding me to never underestimate the importance of the little things.  They matter big. I know it.  You know it too.

I've got a few other things on my list today.  Mostly making more lists for the upcoming weeks.  Also roasting a turkey breast.  We'll have a quasi Thanksgiving feast tonight because I didn't get my turkey fix last Thursday.  Plus the bird cooking to perfection in the oven smells almost as good as that frasier fir candle.

We Gotta Do What We Do

The sky is spitting today.  It's a misty, cloying condensation that makes the air thick and heavy.  A small part of me wishes the temperature would drop and turn this mess to snow.  Big, fat beautiful flakes is what one expects this time of year.  Some of us even long for it.  The car pooling, errand running part of me is happy not to have to contend with the white stuff.  Also the cynic in me who knows the pristine and peace of a snowfall turns drab grey and gross all too soon.

There's nothing wrong with grey though.  Grey is good.  I love cloudy days best.  It's the perfect muted backdrop to show off the white twinkling lights all over the house today.  I have them strewn on trees and wreaths and boughs.  After we did the bulk of the decorating Sunday, I turned them all on and turned off every other source of light.  It really was beautiful and serene and festive.  I'm trying to catapult myself into the Christmas state of mind.  I'm tired of talking about my lack of spirit so I'm just doing what I know we do come December. I'm taking my own advice.  I'm acting the way I want to feel, but I'm sad to say it only works short-term.  So then I find myself listening to that little voice in my head that says : one day at a time...be present...be.here.now.  Wow, so much easier whispered than wrought.

Sometimes I feel like I fixate on the weather and the seasons more than I should...more than is healthy.  Yet there is no denying that the outside conditions affect my inner temperature and barometer greatly. The time of year is so closely tied to my emotional calendar.  My gossamer skin is finer than ever, and my heart simultaneously filled with joy and aching every day of December.  It's exhausting even before you add in celebrations and concerts and too many carbs.  It's the same for so many of us I know.

Last year I tried to pare things down and focus on the things that matter most to me.  I made more time for the people, gatherings and traditions that brought me the most joy.  That decision brought much relief.  I didn't send cards.  Didn't get many either, but with our proclivity toward social networking that is no surprise.  I baked fewer batches of cookies, said "no" to invitations that didn't lift me up and "yes" to those that did.  I tried to look at shopping like treasure hunting, and found more amusement in the experience despite the few very impossible to buy for people on my list each year. I was going to forego Advent calendars this year since those little chocolates usually get eaten during breakfast, but then Miss Bit asked where they were yesterday.  I told her I was sorry, but I didn't get any.  She apologized for bringing it up and said, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  I'm just making sure we do what we do.  Ya know?  We gotta do what we do."  I tell you that girl is my mini master of ceremonies.  They were sold-out at both stores I stopped at last night.  I'll try a couple more today because that is important to her.  That means it's important to me.   We gotta do what we do...ya know?  I know.