A Few Words That Mean A Lot

I stopped at the store on my home this evening for some essentials: baby food for Gus who we're fattening up after recent sickies, chocolate milk, spinach and eggs. My diet is strange when I'm solo. I'm solo. Mike is at a work event this week and my aunt left yesterday. I cried when I dropped her off. She did too. Not knowing when we'll be together again makes me blue, but a trip to Arizona is in our very near future. We just have to plan it. I drove through the city after parting and one song after another seemed cued up just to keep the flood gates open. I welcomed the tears. Seventeen years ago Sunday was the last time I saw my mom. Last night Jess wanted to know if I had any signs this week. I couldn't say yes. I couldn't say no. I've been too preoccupied with eeking out every minute of family time to receive anything less than a lightning bolt, and that's the way it should be. Here. Now. And it goes without saying that my mom is always on my mind and in my heart.

It helped that after all the togetherness...Ted and Meryl came Sunday in time for the Packer game and food. The choriqueso was ready when they arrived and we ate it all up. They curled up on their couch for the length of the game including overtime. I sent them home with all the leftovers and food I didn't get the chance to cook last week and that made us all happy. Our team didn't win. They tied, but we had fun cheering and arm chair QBing.

Lils and I connected last night. She was in La Crosse for Oktoberfest so she did not get any Loie time. We didn't get any Lily time. Next time. Senior year is off to a happy start. I don't know that she's thinking in lasts. I hope not, but I am. It's the way I'm wired. Lily is living life right now to the fullest and that brings me big huge joy. Contact joy. Yes, I live vicariously once in awhile. As parents, it's our right to bask in their happiness as if it's our own.

Tomorrow is my frister Candace's birthday. She was one of my mom's closest, most true friends. Not long ago she sent me this picture that puts the biggest smile on my face. I'd never seen it. Both of these chicas are such a gift and presence in my life. Happy birthday Candace! Hoping you are surrounded by love and light Mom. You are both guiding lights in my life and with all my heart I love you ladies. 

 

Grateful Friday Rambling

Life has been good and full. That has me flummoxed that September days are waning. And so noticeably shorter. The first day of my favorite season came and went without much thought. I blame it on the warm bonus summer-like days and just being occupied, thus distracted. My front porch is a mish mash of last season's leggy blooms and warty pumpkins I try, but cannot resist. Every morning I pass a row of a dozen maples that are trading in their green for oranges and reds day by day. It's just a block, but the trees that are the furthest north are the first to turn and then it's dominoes. For some reason, I notice and feel the need to document this fall after fall. It's such a poignant symbol of change.

My aunt is here this week and I never anticipated what a blessing the timing of her visit would be. I don't want to say I'm not thinking about my mom...we've been talking about her and reminiscing and that has brought a lightness to the levity that usually defines this week. Seven days between her birthday and her last day...sixty years young. 

We took off the band aid and went to church last Sunday. It's been on my mind after a hiatus much longer than I care to admit or excuse. The strong pull was partially to feel close to my mom on her birthday and also to feel my faith in this time of despair. We have a new priest who is all fire and brimstone. He didn't really venture far from the parable of the day and I was so hoping to get some hope to get me through the here and now. All was good though because the whole fam dam was in the house. Candace too, but she's family as well. I had a cathartic cry after communion, lit a candle for McGurk and hugged all my peeps. It was more nourishing than the brunch we had post mass, but that was good too.

Friday we celebrated my dad's 78th.  Two family meals in one weekend was a gift for all. He always says no presents, but then he's always tickled by the things we feel no pressure to find. No gifts is for the birds. True graciousness is the act of thankful, heartfelt reception. 

Speaking of which, Jess called me last week in the middle of the workday. She never calls during office hours so I answered. She invited me to dinner, but gave me every out. It made me confront the fact that I've declined a lot lately. I'm grateful I said yes. We had a lovely belated birthday dinner on a twinkle-lit patio on a beautiful night. They had to gently suggest we leave because we were lingering. We vowed to do more of this.

I can't remember the last time I went out this much in one week. I've become an unapologetic and very happy homebody. I was planning to host family dinner Wednesday, but my sister-in-law suggested we venture downtown.I surprised myself by how quickly I said yes and never regretted it for a single second because we so enjoyed the city lights from the roof top and then traipsing around the club we used to frequent...The Elephant Room the Bali Room, The ballroom. And without saying...being together. It goes without saying, but there...I said it because we should.

We have a full weekend ahead. Plans are in flux, and that's okay. It doesn't much matter what we do...just that we do do.

wtf?

It's been a strange stretch of days. I didn't see anyone or leave the house for days and that's the way I wanted it. Honestly...the way I needed it. The senseless events of the last week affected me viscerally. Charlie Kirk's murder was an outright attack on our first amendment rights, on Democracy and decency. I was rendered speechless by the brutal slaying. Then the lack of humanity shown by so many in the public eye and trolls hiding behind their screens on social media in the wake of the attack, made me sick to my stomach. This is very dangerous territory we are approaching and I fear for outcomes I cannot breath life to. So I'm mad and sad and scared that we are okay with violence against people with whom we disagree and comfortable with evil when we feel it is warranted. From where I sit, murder is never to be condoned and evil must always be abated.

But truth be told...the world's felt extra weighty for weeks. September so often does. It's already full of landmines so I cannot explain why I decided to go through boxes of mementos...letters, cards, pictures and decades worth of journals. I have decades of journals, but I didn't get through a single year. My teenage girl penmanship takes time to decipher, but it's also emotionally draining to go back...sometimes hilarious and often cringy too! It's such a clear reminder that given the chance, I'd stay right where I am.

Years ago, I decided I would read my journals chronologically. I didn't get very far before rethinking that endeavor. Well, I'm going to try again. Hey, at least I'm reading. In full disclosure...it may take me a year, but I'm committed to read before burning. There will be a fire.

So where am I? What's next? Who are we? How do we move forward? So many questions and very few answers, and that's why I'm hog-tied, tongue-tied and in knots.

Week-ending

This week literally flew by. Here we are again at Friday already. Last weekend will be hard to top as we made the most of the long holiday break. September served up a prelude to fall, but Mother Nature gave us a perfect beach day Sunday. We spent the afternoon with Pete and Sue and Windmill Beach. Lake Michigan was absolutely just right and if you know Lake Michigan, you know what I mean. A walk on the beach followed by a dip in the water was what I needed to close out calendar summer. I'm not saying that beach days are over, or summer for that matter, but the days are numbered. There was a chill in the air this morning that took me by surprise, but I'm still wearing my Birks.

Monday was every bit as beautiful. We met my parents at a Beer Garden for a visit to soak in the sun and we all agreed that it was sort of matchless. Pretzels washed down with cold beers (and I am not much of a beer girl), time to catch up, a game of cribbage, running into an old friend. We were all grateful that we carved out a couple hours to play.

And I must back track because Saturday was another spontaneous family gathering that made for a lovely afternoon. We met for lunch in the Falls. Meryl finally met Matty and Dee and Charlie and Gabi. It was good to get the 411 on the rest of the family. It was all good news and for that I'm grateful. The next time we're all together, it'll likely be Thanksgiving.

I'm not trying to speed the plough. These next stretch of months are my favorite of all the year. I will never wish them away. There has been a heaviness hanging over me this summer that I'm still trying to understand, and I feel it lifting as the mornings get cooler and the days shorter. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for although I'm not sure why. I don't plan to waste much time looking back or anticipating what's to come. I plan to wade, wallow and loll my way through the rest of the year being present with a grateful heart.