It's Going to be a Day

Today's going  to be a day. Here's how I know. I woke from a dream that I still owned my mom's house and that it was still filled with all of her things. It was much more involved and convoluted than I'll divulge here, but there really is no need for interpretation. The meaning is quite clear. I am listening.

I'm listening to jazz as I write, and thinking about changing the station when Canon in D comes on. Wink. Nod. Pachelbel's song, my wedding processional, it's not exactly jazz. I'm all ears.

I'm well aware of the ways the universe communicates with us and I've always been open to receiving the messages. I cannot say I know exactly where they hail from, but I can say that I find them healing, comforting and hopeful. There are a couple of things I know for sure. The first is that I am a spirit having a human experience. The second is that my spirit is composed of energy and energy may change form, but it never dies. Dreams, deja vu, signs...they are connections across realms. At least that's what I believe.

And speaking of connections, Ted is having a tough time getting back into his college life after a five week break. Of course he is. It's like starting over. When he's struggling, I'm struggling. I'm mama bear and I want to protect him. It's an unnerving feeling that my options are limited to my ears and my voice at this point. The thing is that's what he needed. Someone to listen, validate, and offer a short pep talk. He asked me questions about my life in college. I went back to those erstwhile days with an discerning mind. What sticks so many years later are the shiny parts...all the fun we had. In digging deeper, I uncovered some of the more difficult memories. I too lived with a complete stranger my freshman year. We became good friends, but I was lucky. For every captivating, mind bending lecture there were many sleepers. Literal sleepers. There was loneliness and homesickness. I had my heart broken, but I also found the love of my life. In the year between,  I swore off serious dating, lived in a house with 75 hormonal girls and really found my people. A sisterhood within the sisterhood. A tight group of women the least likely to be in a sorority, and yet we were.

Ted's looking for his people. He's blessed with what he calls his "squad" here at home and he misses that. He's also noticing things about himself. His insecurities, strengths and weaknesses. He confessed that he's living more for the future. He actually said, "I feel like I'm not living for the now." I'm a be here now believer, but I also know how challenging it can be at any stage of life. I have to remind myself to be in the moment every day...several times a day. Now, I'll remind him too.

He's feeling lighter. He made a couple decisions and he's got some plans. That means I'm feeling lighter too, but always in the back of my mind I'm aware of how fragile even strong people are. I'm reminded how vulnerability is a gift of incredible trust. I'm feeling all the feels today for what was, what is and what will be.

weekending

I could have sworn the sun was shining when I woke up from another crazy dream this morning. It's not. The sky is colorless. All the snow we were supposed to get the last stretch of days was mostly rain. This has been such a strange winter.

It's been a good weekend though. We had a marathon night out Friday and a Netflix marathon day in yesterday. We had tickets to a story slam. Mike, Candace and I sat under the twinkle lights at Turner Hall and listened to stories about middle school. The stories were not the best I've heard, and yet I cannot bring myself to imagine stepping on stage. I even blushed when two of my shorts were read. Two of the tellers were deaf and that was quite something really. To watch their signs and hear them rich with inflection and pause as told by the translator. We approached one young woman at the end of the night and did our best to communicate with her that we loved her story. She got it. It wasn't hard.

We weren't quite ready for the night to end so we stopped off at Jackson's for beer and a bite. I don't drink beer often, but I most often drink it here in honor of my Uncle Vic who was the very last man standing when the Pabst Brewery finally closed years ago. I have to tell you that the fresh draft beer tastes delicious in the hefty glasses they use. Glasses like my mom used to have. Those glasses are another of the night's stories. The beer also tastes quite good with fried cheese curds and grilled buffalo wings. Not the healthiest of late night snacks.

We dropped Candace at home and then Mike surprised me with another stop. Our local Cheers was filled with familiar faces. We were there so long that Lily texted to see when we'd be coming home.

And that is why yesterday was slow and lazy. Mike ran out for Kopp's cheeseburgers at 2:30. It was the only meal of the day, and incredibly satisfying. Tigger stayed by my side (or on my lap) all day and night. We had to force ourselves to abandon Outlander and get to bed. I fell asleep before finishing my prayers and I slept straight through the night.

Today I feel like a million bucks. The rest of the house is sleeping. Tigger is back in our spot waiting for me. He'll be waiting awhile. Today's list is long and I plan to tackle it. I love Sundays. 

This is January

Teddy is back at school two days into second semester and Lily is in the middle of her first semester exams. It's beyond my comprehension that we are already the better part of the way through January. When the kids were little, I often liked to say that the days were long, but the years short. At this point, I want to go on record to say that both the days and the years are short.

I know that the next few months will fly by and then we'll be a united family of four again, but I find this only mildly comforting. That's because I love this time...these days...and I would be happy were they to last much longer. It's been said that time flies when you're having fun and also that the years go faster as we get older. Both are true.

It's also true that this time of year makes me melancholy. I have to work hard not to become a shut in. I'm adept at hibernating, holing up with books and blankets, making stock and baking bread. That was all a perfect storm Friday when I hosted book club on the snowy night. We talked about Homegoing while enjoying hearty bowls of Patsa Fagioli and Zuppa Toscana with warm foccacia in my dining room still decorated for Christmas. I sent all the ladies home with soup and hunks of homemade bread. It always tastes better the next day, and we're still enjoying the leftovers here at Casa Wags. There are times a pot of soup seems endless. I made my frister's favorite Sunshine Cake for dessert in honor of her birthday. I've never made it before, but I too enjoyed it from time to time at Watts Tea Room. That Milwaukee icon is closed now. No more tea sandwiches or etiquette classes, which Lily took many years ago. (I still remember the look on her face when the instructor told her she could eat the flowers on her plate during the final tea. She ate mine too.) I underestimated the task of this recipe. I didn't have the right pan, the French pastry cream was fussy and I had to make the 7 minute frosting 3 times. It was at least 70 minute frosting, but I didn't mind because #foodislove #foodismemories. We enjoyed the meal and made memories that night. I will do just about anything for that.

I highly recommend Yaa Gyasi's debut novel that spans 8 generations and 2 continents. The prominent themes centered on family, legacy, language, freedom, forgiveness and power. The power of story and who tells the story. That's as relevant today as it was hundreds of years ago. I didn't agree with any of the criticism I read after I finished the book and I'm grateful I went into it without preconceived notions. I thought Gyasi accomplished what she set out to do and I'm still thinking about the book. For me that is a telling litmus test.

So everything is good. Cozy. Calm. I'm just feeling a little quiet. It's sort of a January thing for me. My fire will return. It just needs a little stoking.

Some Sparks...

 Tigger the watch cat

 All set. Soup's on.

Krissy's Sunshine Cake. Not a looker, but made with love.

Family dinner. A little pasta carbonara, A lot of broccoli. It's all about balance.

 Snow white roses in my Mom's vase..

 My beggar boy staring at the frig waiting for tuna.

 Snowy Saturday. Snow and Saturdays.

 Morning routine and this book...such a gem. Coffee and tulips too.

 Sunrise on a chilly morning walk.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

It's Friday. Mike is home from Miami and Ted is on his way home from Colorado. He was scheduled to fly home tomorrow, but we are expecting snowmageddon so his flight was cancelled. He was persistent until he was rebooked. I didn't have to get involved at all. In fact, he even arranged for a ride from the airport. The boy is growing up. Oh, and he had a fabulous time skiing with friends. Keystone was his fave.

Lily and I had a nice week together, and on our last night Jess joined us for taco salads and talk. We asked questions and she talked. And talked. And talked. A chatty teenager is a rare thing and so we considered ourselves lucky and listened.

Heat. Our furnace is fixed.

Our first big snowstorm of the season. We're supposed to get close to a foot in the next 24 hours. I plan to be a shut in this weekend. I left work early and went to the store like every other person in my city. I stocked up on the ingredients for some new recipes I want to try. I have a stack of books I picked up from the library yesterday. I have no place I need to be for the duration of the weekend.

Hygge. I thought I might take down the live tree this weekend because it's dead, but I just couldn't bring myself to deChristmas yet. Tigger and I are still enjoying our tree time and it's my favorite to bask in the twinkle lights in the middle of a snowstorm. 

Soup weather. A bowl of soup is so comforting and warm. I've been on a roll: Lasagna Soup, my Lentil Soup with Kielbasa, which was the first thing I made in my new Instant Pot, and a delicious French Onion that Lily and I enjoyed this week. When the boys are way, the girls eat onions.

 My new Instant Pot. It was a gift from my dad and step-mom and they were there for the maiden offering.

Little Mister Mischief.

Amy's mushroom and olive pizza. We add jalapenos and it's perfectly earthy and briny and spicy. It's what's for dinner tonight...Friday is pizza night.

Ted just texted me before he got on the plane and asked me out for a date tomorrow. He wants to see Just Mercy. I guess I'm going out in the snow because how can I possible say no to that.

Now I'm heading up to bed to read some of Homegoing. Yaa Gayasi's novel is a to read. I've been hooked since page one, but I'm taking my time with it because I need to sit with these characters and their legacies. The multi-generational tale is not always easy to read, but it is moving and illuminating in a way that only powerful writing can be. I'm hoping it inspires a thoughtful discussion next week Friday when my friends and bibliophiles gather for book club.

Is It Friday Yet?

There's no heat in the house this morning, but the sky is on fire. It's a bone chilly 53 degrees so I'm sitting here with a hat on sipping an endless mug of steaming coffee. I thought Tigger was just being sweet for staying by my side all night long. I never considered that even with his authentic fur coat he too was cold. Cold to the touch this morning. His poor little nose was ice. Lily was hard to find under her pile of blankets covered from head to toe.

It's become a running joke here at Casa Wags that whenever Mike travels for work, some sort of crisis of some degree occurs. It used to be sick kids. Not with common colds, but strep or the flu or some obscure ailment. It's been the car. The garage door. Blizzards. Once it was even an intruder I scared off the roof as he peered in the bathroom window at me. I came face to face with him in the open window. I believe he was more scared than I was as he tumbled off his perch. Then I raced down the stairs, out the front door and chased him down the street nine months pregnant while toddler Ted slept soundly in his bed. Never poke a mama bear. Then my mom came to stay the rest of Mike's trip to protect us with her fierce shih tzu, Charlie. I can't explain it, but I never felt so safe.

Ah, I digress. All to say that a faulty furnace is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I mean really, just watch the news.

Mike went south and Ted went west so it's just the girls this week. Mike's in warm and sunny Miami and Ted is traipsing around Colorado from ski slope to ski slope. I had big plans for us, but it turns out that what we both were craving was just a quiet, low-key week. I'm just happy that we are on the same wave length. It's been a week of easy dinners, editing papers, watching the Jeopardy championship, chatting before we go to bed at the same time.

We're getting up at the same time too. I've been grateful that she, who is impossible to rouse, has been getting out of bed after a single wake up. She's been pleasant in the morning, chatty in the car on the way to school and spending less time in her room after school.

Mike has been working hard - long days that go into the night with dinner and drinks. Teddy has been in his element. Skiing under the sun on fresh snow not wanting the days to ever end. I get it, but I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.

Last Day of the Year

I was lulled to sleep by the sound of the howling wind. Icy snow was covering the lawns and then the roads. I dreamt what felt like all night long. So vividly, borderline lucid. They felt more real than ethereal. That's not new for me, and yet I feel the need to share that my dreams lately have felt different.

My first stop this morning was the window to confirm what I already knew: the snow stuck. I knew because of the incandescent light a fresh snowfall exudes. I snuck out for a few hours of work. The roads were messy and mostly empty. Everyone is holed up at home. I will be too...soon.

For the first time in years, we are having a very quiet night at home on New Year's Eve. Just the two of us. We've gone back and forth over putting something together, but the truth is that I just am not feeling it this year. In years past, I've been known to throw something together post haste, but I don't anticipate any last minute soirees at Casa Wags tonight. We have a puzzle and a pizza. Netflix too. And a bottle of champs.

I'm going to try out my new instant pot tomorrow. The inaugural recipe will be lucky lentil soup. It often shows up on New Year's Day. We'll cheer on our Badgers in the Rose Bowl. We may or may not go to an open house, polar bear in Lake Michigan or get dressed at all. We will be looking forward to 2020.

I'm not big on resolutions. In the past, I've set intentions. This year I'm going with goals. Semantics? Yes and no. Intentions don't suggest active attainment and this year I am eager and excited to make some changes. Small at first. Attainable. The idea is to let them build on a foundation of success. Foundations as I have personal and professional goals. I won't write them down. Don't need to. They are written in my bones. A part of me. Essential. Always there.

I'm not ready to do a recap on 2019. I need more distance to see things clearly and impart my final words. Wisdom will long follow. Truth is, I may never get the clarity or certainty because I intend to look forward. Every year has it's gifts and losses, its joys and pains, its lessons and blessings. 2020 will be no different.

Christmas Is In The Books

Christmas 2019 has come and gone. The past couple days I felt the post holiday blahs bad. All the build up, preparation and anticipation and then it's over. All that's left are photos if you remembered to take them, lots of trash and memories. I took a few photos, the garbage is picked up and I have a cache of warm memories. It's back to reality. It's back to healthy eating, an exercise regimen and resolutions. I'm mostly ready. Every December I slip into the naughty habit of having Christmas cookies with my morning coffee. Sugar for breakfast is a no no, and yet I cannot resist. Yesterday I brought a giant veggie platter to work. I had green beans, the sweetest baby tomatoes and carrots for breakfast. Truth is it tasted better than cookies. I think I've reached my limit.

Christmas Eve we celebrated just the four of us. Church was first and foremost on the agenda. We slipped into our regular pew in the midst of the Christmas concert. By the time mass starts, it's standing room only so that was a stroke of luck. I shed a few tears of joy during the service. I can only say that I felt filled to the absolute brim with gratitude and overcome with spirit. While we sang the recessional, Hark the Herald Angels Sing I felt so light. All was right with Christmas. We planned to order Chinese, but we had a hard time finding a restaurant that would even answer the phone. They were all slammed. Mike headed to a nearby takeout place and they locked the door as soon as he entered. He was the last customer of the night. Another stroke of luck. They were out of  rice, but we made due with some noodles. Dessert was a game of Uno, Lily's new favorite. Then we opened presents for the rest of the night. We were all very happy. Tigger most of the crew. He is the biggest kid of all. He loves the ribbons, boxes and bows. His bag of toys too. We retired to the family room for the first showing of Elf this year. I think we all nodded off about halfway through. It was a perfect family night.

Christmas Day was another family celebration. We gathered for a delicious brunch feast that Mike perfectly timed. It was a decadent spread of eggs benedict casserole with blender hollandaise, my brother's breakfast burritos, au gratin potato stacks, Lily's favorite Caesar salad, kielbasa, Rosie's tuna salad, croissants and fruit. Nothing makes me happier than family around my table. And yes, I use the good china. I use it every chance I get.We're still eating leftovers. We headed to the living room to exchange gifts. It was another marathon session. We ended the night with our white elephant exchange and dessert and appetizers. The hits were the Olaf suit Lily scored, Ted's Corona Christmas sweater, Grasshopper pie, Loie's cookies and her Irish toast. Ted went out with friends and Mike and I fell asleep in front of the tree rehashing the goodness of the day. It was a happy day.

I enjoyed a very lazy day after. I stayed in my pjs until dark enjoying a Survivor marathon. I finished one book and started another without an ounce of guilt. Candace came to catch up for happy hour. I used my fancy new aerator and plopped some homemades in the oven. Christmas isn't over yet.

And the festivities continued last night for Ted's birthday. We had a fun, delicious family dinner at his restaurant of choice. I thoroughly enjoyed being out on the town and my capellini alla caprese. Most of all my peeps. The kids went out with friends and Mike and I went to our local Cheers.

Teddy just rolled in. He's making eggs. Lily's still sleeping. We're talking about a family movie date this afternoon. Star Wars for the guys and Little Women for the girls. I know...how very gender predictable. We all have good intentions for a work out before the theater. It will be another good day. And for the record, Christmas isn't over just yet.