Keeping On

I couldn't sleep last night. I was tossing and turning so I moved down to the couch. On my way down the stairs, I kicked over a container and woke up the person I was trying not to disturb. I was up with the sun after a fitful few hours. It snowed for awhile. Just light flurries. I was surprised because I haven't seen a weather report in a week. I'm packing to go away for a bit and I have no idea whether I should be bringing wool or not. I am.

Teddy went out for a run with some friends earlier. They stood around the yard at a distance when they were done. Normally, they would come in for breakfast. Of course, there is no normal right now. Lily's been Facetiming with friends. Technology is actually making this easier. Can you imagine the isolation we'd suffer if not for our connections?

Mike's making pizza dough right now for dinner tonight. Last night I made Spicy Dal and we scooped it up with garlicky naan. I was very happy. It was delicious and satisfying and meatless. I love the way a few simple ingredients can come together in such a surprising way. I adapted the recipe from Mark Bittman's new cookbook, which I have on loan until at least May 1. That's the earliest date the library will reopen. There are plenty of other recipes I want to try so I guess that's a bonus. Mike and I watched Bloodline in the basement. I made him put on the twinkle lights and I felt like a teenager. Ted staked his claim on the family room and Lily tucked away in her room. We're quite blessed to have the space to spread out.

It will be good to be at Windmill Beach for a stretch and a breath of fresh air although I must confess that I have a touch of anxiety over leaving home. I know it will be good to take a walk along the lake, play games and make homemade pizzas with my family. It may be a good time to set an alarm so I'm up to watch the sunrise. I can use  a little awe and amazement in my life right now.

It Takes Guts

It's getting more and more difficult to get out of bed in the morning. It didn't help that I had a virtual happy hour with my aunt last night. I have a headache. From the wine. The boys made dinner. Irish sausages, roasted cabbage and potatoes and corn. We have plenty of food, but so much of it is frozen. I have to look at meal planning right now in a new way.

It's Friday, but it doesn't feel like it. The days are blurring into one another. I feel like we're just waiting and no one knows how long we'll be living like this.

My first stop this morning was the grocery store. It was a madhouse, but people weren't panicking or buying out the store. It was strange though. I feel like everyone is eyeing up everyone else. We're all suspicious.  Who has the virus? Why is that person wearing a mask? Did that person just cough? Shoppers definitely weren't 6 feet apart. The only thing I couldn't get was fresh garlic and I'm of the opinion that has little to do with the virus. Also the entire aisle of paper products was wiped out, but I'm stocked up in that department. No yeast. They had chicken again so that was good. I bought some lentils and rice, but only because I want to try a new curry recipe and we were out of rice. Lily is on a Buffalo Chicken Wrap roll. I bought another dozen eggs because Teddy eats 4 for breakfast every day.

Then I stopped in at the office to take care of a few things. Alan already left. I made a mug of green tea and got to work. It is good to get out of the house for a bit. A new company is moving into our building. The office remodeling continues in spite of the virus. A dog barks in another office. These are the things that make me feel at ease. Life going on. Perseverance.

I'm on day 4 without news. It turns out you don't need to watch it because it's the only thing everyone is talking about. I just need a little break. I think we all just need a little break. Some good news. A ray of sunshine. A collective hug.

Groundhog Day

It was even harder to get out of bed today than it was yesterday. Somehow I knew it in my bones that it was dreary and damp outside. A blanket of thick fog outside matched the miasma clouding my mind. It's almost like Groundhog Day, only not a bit humorous.  Happy first day of spring. The kids were still sleeping and Mike was busy at work at the kitchen island. I made a mug of hot lemon water and took a long hot shower. The highlight of my morning is a new pair of jeans that were delivered yesterday. I forgot I ordered them. I packed a container of last night's leftovers for lunch. 

We had a feast. Mike grilled balsamic chicken breasts and I made a big pot of pasta aglio olio, and sauteed a few bunches of broccolini. After dinner, we played a family game of Wizard. I went from the champ over the weekend to dead last.We all retired to different corners of the house in search of a little space. I was happy to lose myself in 1960's Dublin for awhile. I was finally able to escape in my book. Tigger curled up beside me purring so loudly there couldn't be a worry in the world.

Before dinner, Teddy was running with a friend on the high school track and they were asked by security to leave. Lily's friend's family has decided to quarantine so there was no communing yesterday. I don't get it, but I respect it. Fear is running rampant. This morning I was told that the daughter of a friend of a co-worker's acquaintance received notice that Marshall Law will be the law of the land starting Saturday. Oh, this woman apparently works for a micro hospital in some podunk town. Please people at least consider the source before you set your hair on fire.

Alan just ran to get some lunch. The grocery store was calm and well stocked. We reached out to our neighbor last night. She lives alone and she's in that at risk group so we just wanted her to know that we can help. She's come to our rescue numerous times. She called back and we talked on the phone for a good 20 minutes. That's long for Debbie. She's no nonsense and to the point. She assured me she has plenty of bird seed and books. We spent the rest of the time gossiping about neighbors. It almost felt normal.

Tonight we'll have another family dinner. Maybe tacos. We'll likely play another game. Start a puzzle. Maybe we'll watch a  movie. Definitely no Zombie Apocalypse films though. Not Groundhog Day either.

I'm trying hard to find the silver lining. Bad times often bring out the best in us if we resist the strong urge to hunker down and shut the world out. I'm not proposing we organize flash mobs in the streets, just that we reach out to those who may be alone or in need and give what we can. Just that we keep in touch with loved ones, say thank you to the people who are still working when they too are facing so much uncertainty, check in on elderly neighbors and pray for hope.

Another Day

I'm having chocolate cake for breakfast again. That's either the sign of very good or very bad times. No need for explanations. I hit the snooze between 7:30 and 8:30 instead of getting up for a walk. Then when I finally got up, I quick made the bed so I couldn't crawl back in. There is a part of me that dreams of sleeping until this is all a memory. That's the small, cowardly, faint-hearted part of me.

I was greeted by the smell of coffee when I came downstairs ready for work. Mike made me a cup. It was my first smile of the day. He was already on the phone with clients in the kitchen, his new office. The kids were still sleeping. Tigger is very happy to have a full house of his peeps. Another part of me wishes I were a cat right now. That's the delicate, timorous, agoraphobic part of me.

Ted didn't get home until the wee hours last night. It is his spring break though. He was at a friend's house with a small group. I'll find out how small tonight. He returned from Door County yesterday and it turned out to be the perfect place to spring break this year. It was deserted. They hiked, ate out, watched movies. He went straight to the club for his last workout for awhile. They're closed starting today. He has plans to run and bike. He will not be going back to Madison. The rest of the semester will be online. No spring afternoons on the Terrace. No Frisbee in the quad. No runs along Lake Mendota. This year.

Lily finished her work yesterday and then walked over to a friend's. They played softball and soccer. She called it gym class. She was not happy about school closing, but she admitted that it's not as bad as she thought it'd be. She's still feeling sad for juniors missing prom and seniors who may not walk in graduation. At this point there is so much uncertainty, but I'm hoping that we'll begin to see the forest through the trees soon.

Soon has taken on a new meaning when every day feels endless. It's fascinating to me that most people fantasize about two weeks with nothing to do, and now here we are. Yes, here we are completely at odds with ourselves and our fellow quarantinees. Isn't it ironic? I have a stack of books, but I have a monkey mind. I can't focus. I have a million projects waiting for me around the house, but zero ambition. Limbo is such a strange place to inhabit.

And yet we keep on keeping on. Teddy is finishing up his business school application, Lily is working on her NHS application as well as one for a summer job, Mike is trouble shooting with his dealers and I actually scored some hand sanitizer for the TODAY show this morning. It's the only thing my customers want to buy and, of course, it's in short supply. Mike made a perfect corn beef for our St Paddy's Day dinner last night and then we watched a bad horror film on Netflix. It almost seemed like a normal night at Casa Wags. Almost. 

New Normal. Old Hope.

I almost lost my words when I read my last entry here written a little over a week ago. It was so normal, simple, hopeful. It stuns me how quickly things can change. Last week I was planning parties. This week I'm planning for quarantine. Life right now feels a little surreal. I'm struggling with a new normal and with having hope just like everyone else in the world.

I steered clear of the news this weekend and that alleviated a great deal of my anxiety, but I knew relief was temporary. I'm a news enthusiast. It was only a matter of time before I tuned in. Last night as a matter of fact. I also knew when I returned, the coverage wouldn't be uplifting or calming. No, it's downright scary on so many different levels.

This is a lifetime event. We will define things before and after. There will be an after. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but there will be life after this virus. Good, prosperous, happy life.

I'm reminded of the unfamiliar, anxious time post 911. It was inconceivable that we would ever recover. It seemed impossible that we would laugh and smile and trust and travel. I couldn't fathom feeling safe ever again. I felt crushing sadness for this country, the staggering loss of lives and the lost innocence for our children.

Teddy was 9 months old when those planes were used as lethal weapons. The day after the attack, I was home with him. It was a beautiful day. The sky was the most pristine shade of blue. It was the color of hope if ever there was one, but I couldn't look up without feeling despair. When I visited the 911 Museum with Lily a couple years ago, the exhibit that had the most impact on me was Trying to Remember the Color of the Sky on That September Morning. The 2,983 squares of blue, one for each victim, took my breath away. Standing there looking at the central wall, I remembered the sky on that day. I mourned the toll that 911 took on our country, but I also felt incredible pride for our people. The strength and courage and tenacity. The tenderness, togetherness and troth.

I'm finding comfort in remembering those feelings of dignity and honor, in reminding myself that we will bounce back stronger than before and that life will likely be a little different, but it will still be good and always precious.

I'm finding comfort in spending time in my kitchen listening to music instead of the news. Mike and I made quite a feast for our Saturday night soiree. Our Reuben egg rolls were ridiculously delish and much easier than I anticipated. Our Irish Stew was a hit and the mashed potatoes were gone. The Chocolate Stout Cake is almost gone. Alan and I had pieces with our coffee this morning and it was the perfect St Paddy's Day treat. It's the gift that keeps giving. Unfortunately, my dad and Judy decided to stay home, but I think it was the smart thing to do. Sunday Mike and Lily did a surprise visit to drop off Judy's gifts and leftovers for dinner that night. They were so happy for the act of kindness and these are exactly the times we should be practicing them. The world needs every little act of good will and grace we can offer right now.

While they were out playing Santa and Mrs. Claus, I started stock for Chicken Soup, got a batch of bread dough proofing and whipped up a batch of Strawberry Cream Cupcakes for Linda's birthday celebration the next day. It was my first time making these fresh cuties, but it won't be my last. They were insanely yummy. And the bowl of homemade soup with a hunk of warm bread was the perfect comfort food for the times that night. Alan and I will be having that for lunch today too. We're holding down the fort at work without too much to do, but this too shall pass.

I'm finding comfort in spending time with family and friends. We hung out on Friday night with a small group of friends and while there was talk of the virus, it was only one topic of the evening. The guys went out to pick up fish fries at a local restaurant and came back saying it was hopping. Less than a week later, they're mostly shuttered. It's the right thing to do. Our kids were all out. Is that the right thing to do? Time will tell. All I know is that I felt less isolated and pessimistic after being with other people. We'll continue to allow for small gatherings in non-public spaces until we are told otherwise.

I stopped at the store yesterday out of curiosity and also to pick up a few things I needed...mainly baking supplies after my weekend of cake making. I succeeded and I also came home with a few things I probably didn't need, but I am only so strong. I left the Kleenex and TP for those who really need them. I would have bought chicken if they had it. Oh well, these are times for making do and what we are facing day to day are small sacrifices in this family. I have to say that shopping made me feel better. People were respectful and calm. No one was hoarding or hysterical. I felt thankful for the cashiers. They are in public facing positions and they are taking risks when they come to work. I felt worried for the number of elderly people who were out and about when they should be home. I wanted to take their numbers and offer to do their shopping until the coast is clear. I didn't, but I will reach out to neighbors who I know to be at high risk. Every little bit helps.

It's hard not to be all about ourselves right now. During threatening times, our worlds shrink. We worry about our needs, our loved ones, our trials, but the truth is that by reaching out in whatever way we are comfortable, we dispel a little bit of doubt and despair. We give, we receive. Kindness begets kindness. Good deeds inspire more good deeds. Consideration incites hope and faith. These are the things the world needs right now. Spread love not fear. Be the light. Don't give in to the darkness. 

This Week

Have you noticed the bird's are singing their spring songs? Don't they sound happy? Hopeful? We are actually enjoying a spring in these parts, but I won't be the least bit surprised when it snows again. When not if. The squirrels have been extra frisky out in the yard too. When I see a chipmunk, I'll finally believe it. We set the clocks forward tonight, which is a major undertaking in this house with a wall of clocks, but I've already been aware of the growing hours of daylight. And it's not just that there's more of it. It's that it's different. It's vivid. Ardent. A tad bit of an assault to the unaccustomed eye. 

Yesterday we decided to work a half day. It was quiet and we were caught up. The sudden free hours before me had me temporarily paralyzed with all the possibilities. What to do? Where to go? I opted to do some shopping and then I did some sprucing. I found the exact rug I wanted for the kitchen and new lamps for the dining room too. Then I put away what was left of my winter decor and I poured a glass of crisp white wine in celebration of the return to light, the weekend, the end of a stressful week.

I had another dental appointment and a doctor appointment too. That made for a long week of anxious anticipation. This round of dental work went better, and yet I was uncomfortable. I woke Thursday morning in Teddy's bed and I noticed straight away that my mouth wasn't as sore as when I sulked in there unable to sleep the night before. The alleviated pain was a small miracle because all night I dreamt of drilling. No wonder given my 2 1/2 hour stint in the chair earlier in the day. Add that to the 4 hours a few weeks ago and what you get is more dental work in the past 3 weeks than I've had in the past decade. And thousands of dollars spent even with insurance. That's a different kind of pain. Anyways that's almost behind me now.

I finished Olive, Again. This novel, just like the first, is comprised of one rich character study after another. The most generous of which is the title character's. She's a character you either love or loathe. I happen to love her mostly for her brutal honesty and her constant pragmatism. And she makes me laugh. She also makes me question myself. I read...I pause. This line from Helped stayed with me. It's so beautifully true.

I think our job – maybe even our duty – is to bear the burden

 of the mystery with as much grace as we can.

Now I'm keeping time with The Heart's Invisible Furies. Boyne's novel is wildly entertaining and smartly written. I've laughed out-loud. A lot. I've blushed. Often. I'm getting strong Goldfinch vibes and that was one of my all-time best reads. I still have 400 odd pages to go so it's too soon to commit to a must-read review, but I think that's where we're headed.

I have Sam Sifton's See You on Sunday on order from the library. Sunday dinner has a special place in my heart. When I was a kid, we went to my Grandma Rosie's most Sundays. She didn't have a dining room so we'd crowd around her kitchen table all together. Nothing fancy. That wasn't the point. After dinner, my dad would take us across town back to my mom's for the week. My mom revived Sunday dinners when we were young adults. We'd be busy with friends all weekend, but Sundays were for family. We'd gather on her deck or in her dining room and linger. I'd give just about anything for one of her pork roasts or her chicken and broccoli casserole. I'd give anything to see that twinkle in her eye so happy, so proud, so blessed. After my mom passed, we kept Sunday dinner going with my brother and sil, but it's peetered out. There were often practices or games and homework left to the last minute. And yet is has always been a thing here at Casa Wags. The one night we were all certain to be home for dinner. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. It's going to be a beautiful 60 degrees and bbq chicken is on the menu. Anyways, this quote pretty much sums up my philosophy and has me certain I'm going to be buying this book.

Word got around. And the calls or texts would start coming. "There dinner on Sunday?" Yes, see you then. Bring wine or a cake, a friend, some flowers, nothing at all. People are lonely. They want to be a part of something, even when they can't identify that longing as a need. They show up. Feed them. It isn't more complicated than that. The point of Sunday dinner is just to have it. Even if you don't particularly like entertaining, there is pleasure to be had in cooking for others, and great pleasure to be taken from the    experience of gathering with others. Sunday dinner isn't a dinner party. It is not entertainment. It is just fact, like a standing meeting or a regular touch football game in the park. It makes life a little better every time.

We lived on a hearty and never-ending pot of Pasta Fagioli all week. I wasn't inspired to cook so it was a delicious Godsend. Then Thursday I put together a Chicken Kiev dish. I was feeling nostalgic and truth be told, I'm a little bored with chicken, but it's the only meat Lily will eat. I thought I'd be able to chew with some drugs. A glass of wine. Okay, both. Mike and I decided that if we're in the mood for a throwback stuffed chicken recipe, we'll stick with Chicken Cordon Bleu. 

I'm starting to plan for next weekend's Feb/March St Paddy's Day birthday bash. We'll celebrate Ashley, Judy and Brad. And our Irish heritage.  I'm excited to give them their gifts. I put serious thought into them this year. I have my menu set, and I'm looking forward to that too. Especially the Chocolate Stout Cake. Ted will be home. It's the start of his spring break. He's going on a quick trip to Door County where he's rented a house with some friends. I chuckle a little that a group of guys would want to go to the quaint peninsula, but only just a little. I know he has fond memories from our many visits there over the years and it's somewhere other than home. His classes end May 1. That seems so early to me. It will be nice to have him home for the summer and it may be the last, at least for awhile.

Lily is getting ready for softball. Anxious to start driving. Poor girl has to wait until August, but she's practicing every chance she gets. Twice this week I was suckered into an end of day Starbucks run. I'm not sure whether she wanted the mocchiatto or the time behind the wheel more. It's no surprise that she's a natural. Last night she was picked up at 9 o'clock by a girlfriend. I think that's usually when I was coming home. Yes, times are changing and yes, she's growing up. Sigh.

Speaking of times, I steered clear of the news this week. I cannot stomach the topsy turvy market, the media frenzy over the virus, the carnage in TN, the clowns running for office. I tell you I'm understanding the idea that ignorance is bliss on a new level.  Sometimes it's all just too much. Yet I'll continue to pray and do my part to make the world a better place.

My peeps are still fast asleep. Today I'll take a long walk in the park less visited, we'll go to church and dinner. Lily's choice. In my little life,  there is peace and grace and goodness and for that I am always grateful. I'm just going to keep listening to the birds until I feel the rosiness about which they sing.

   

weekending

The weekend started at the salon for me. I had a late Friday afternoon appointment and when Kathy offered me a glass of wine, I said yes. I left a couple hours later feeling lighter and brighter. I made a pit stop at Trader Joe's. Who knew 5 o'clock on Friday was a good time to pick up a few things. Always broccolini and wine for me and Orange Chicken for Lils. Staples like nuts and cheese. Mike returned from his week in Texas and we caught up. It was a typical quiet Friday night at Casa Wags. Frozen pizza and a little tv. Curb Your Enthusiasm this week. How am I just now seeing this show?

We slept in on Saturday. I felt a little guilty, but only just a little. We got off for a walk on the sunny day. The wind was as cold as the sun was warm. Spring is coming, but it will take its sweet time getting here. It was so good to get some fresh air. It's been awhile for me.The rest of the day was filled with errands and chores. Then Mike, Lily and I high tailed it to 4:30 mass and any guilt I was carrying from the past week, was absolved. We sat in a pew on the opposite side from our usual one. That change in space and the evening mass felt different. Different in a positive way.

We drove south after church to check out a sweet spot a friend's been raving about for an early dinner. We instantly felt the appeal of Triskele's. It was warm and cozy with twinkly lights and a welcoming staff. Unpretentious and inviting.We ordered a couple appetizers and were the most excited about the Brussels sprouts. They were the perfect combination of sweet - tamarind honey, and salty - mixed nuts. Seriously, we licked the bowl. The sweet potato fries were also surprisingly good. They were dusted with Cajun seasoning and served with a side of aioli. Lily loved the aioli and for the record she hates mayonnaise. Hmmm? Dare I tell her they're one in the same?  The ginger pork won-tons were over cooked, but we didn't mind too much and decided that we'll be back when we have heartier appetites. We also decided that we will try to make Saturday mass and dinner a thing during Lent. Next week Lily gets to choose the church and the restaurant.

 We had good eats.

We had good laughs.

During dinner, we broached the subject of a new furbaby...a friend for Tigger who appears especially lonely lately. Mike and I had already talked about it during our walk and Lily brought it up out of the blue. This morning I switched my calendar for the new month and the image was a kitty. I take that as a sign, of course.

Or maybe we're supposed to get him a bird?

We slept in again today and had a slow start. I lingered with my coffee and my book. I'm back to Olive Again. I put it down to read something that was due sooner and now I'm so happy I still get to read it. Lily drove to Starbucks for breakfast with Mike and I got busy in the kitchen. My major accomplishments were organizing all of my spices and making a big huge pot of Pasta Fagioli for the week. I basically take the Olive Garden's recipe which I've never tried, and add more vegetables and a quart of chicken brodo to cut the tomato sauce. It is a bowl of perfection in my opinion. Mike is my favorite person because he went to the Apple Store to pick up my phone and then to US Cellular to activate it. Now he's taking a nap. Lily is cleaning her bathroom. That makes her another of my favorite people. Ted is supposed to call shortly and he is another favorite.

Mangia.

Tonight we'll grill Buffalo Chicken Burgers because it's 50 degrees out. We'll probably play a game of Wizard. It'll be early to bed in our clean sheets. Still flannel because it's still winter.