weekending

Over the weekend, I got a text from Lily reminding me that we were in NYC 5 years ago. It was a girl's trip in celebration of a milestone birthday...13. She was so excited to experience the Big Apple and we had a lot of fun being co-travelers. I love NY, but these days Northern Wisconsin is more my speed. I blame this on Covid, my age and the chaotic, crime-ridden world we live in.

 As it happens, I will be going to the city in a couple weeks for work. There are things I'm looking forward to and things I am not. It's a wonderful opportunity for me and that is the focus. Linda is a frequent visitor so I will let her play tour guide. She forgets that I have been to NY many times. I say that with humor. There are so many New Yorks. This will be her version...Jewish delis, a show or two, walks in the Park. I'm pretty sure that I will be able to write a novel about this trip. A novel that could be a best seller.

Just as I was looking forward to finally settling in for fall...me and Mike the empty nesters, life has not cooperated. I'm not complaining. I'm commenting.

It was a beautiful weekend. A good one too. We did some yard work and took a trail walk on Saturday before hosting friends for dinner. Mike made ribs in a final homage to bbq and we picked up some more of the best sweet corn we've had all year from a nearby farm stand. I think the star of the meal was the ice cream parfaits I made  assembled for dessert. We felt like kids licking our mason jars clean.

Sunday I was up just in time to let Teddy in. He came home for a surprise visit. Turns out he had a date. I'm thinking she must be pretty special if he drove 90 miles for coffee and a hike. The timing was perfect because I was baking for care packages. I loaded him up with instructions to deliver his sister's ASAP. She may come home next weekend for a visit.

My brother and sister-in-law stopped by for an end of weekend happy hour and I sent them home with dinner too. I had made a full to the brim pot of Pasta Fagioli earlier so it was perfect. After they left, we got cozy under afghans and cats for a movie. The patio door was ajar letting the crisp night air in. It was a good stretch of days., and I'm off to a strong start this week.

 

Sweet and Precious Life

It's definitely fall here. The poults are as big as their mothers now, the trees are showier by the day and there is a chill in the air this morning that reminds us what is to come. Yesterday it was warm. Almost hot in the sun and it will be windows open weather again soon. The progression between seasons is never linear. It occurs to me that so often I begin my posts with a report of the current conditions. It speaks to the fact that I am sensitive to the weather. What is going on outside affects me inside. Everything about fall is my favorite though. October galvanizes each one of my senses.

After a rough stretch in my world and a heavy stretch in the wide world, I felt myself retreat. I craved quiet, absence, anonymity. I buttoned up and battened down. It was just what I needed. I'm getting so much better at giving myself grace.

We said goodbye to my father-in-law a week ago on a perfect autumn day. The service was curative and my brother-in-law's homily a true tribute to a cup is over flowing life. The pictures of the span of his life captured him too. And I learned something. My husband actually resembles his father as a young man. I have always thought he takes after his mother's side, but I saw that he is a mixture of both. Aren't we all? And I got comment after comment about how Teddy was unrecognizable...even to his own cousins who haven't seen him since Christmas. He's taller, broader, and sporting some facial hair. Many comments too about how beautiful Lily is and also all grown up. It's been Covid years since I've seen some of the extended family and in spite of the reason for the gathering, it was good to see them, hug them, catch up.

It occurred to me that this is the first funeral my kids are attending as young adults. When my mom passed, they were 4 and 7...too young to truly comprehend and remember. Your grandparents go and you start thinking about your parents. Your parents pass and you grapple with your own mortality. I hear Mary Oliver...Are you paying homage to that one wild and precious life, or are you breathing just a little and calling it a life? 

I guess it depends on the day, but losing a loved one makes me take stock of everything and everyone.

Emily Dickinson was right...That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet. 

 

Polestar

 

The other night I surprised a hummingbird when I went to fill the feeder. The little guy's wings whirled furiously and he stopped in mid-air returning my gaze. It felt like more than a moment before he shot off across the yard. He was so close I could have scooped him up. This morning a big fat hawk surprised me when he soared from beneath the trees. I was glad he wasn't after me. When I cross the river every morning on my way to work, I look left and right surprised that the foliage is still verdant green up and down the banks. One day and soon I will start seeing the autumn colors sneak into view.

I get such pleasure in paying attention.

This is the time of year for noticing things, for presence, for gratitude. It's time for slowing down, lingering and letting go of the burdens we carry as we count our blessings and open our hearts to grace and goodwill.

Believe me...we don't have to wait until November to be thankful, or December to be joyful. 

We can't wait until we achieve our loftiest goals to feel gratified. We'd be waiting forever because we live in a world that does not understand the beauty of enough. More is always consumed, coveted, celebrated. We can't hold out until we have no pain to feel innate happiness. We'd be living in lifelong darkness and what a tragic waste that would be.

Every day has its struggles and its fortunes too. I find that the heaviness of the hard things often outweighs the levity of the bright spots, but only if I let it. Yep, it's a choice.

The world is a mess. This country is in crisis. My city is chaos. 

But.

My neighborhood is full of peace. My family and friends are my tribe. My house is a haven. The sun rises every day and the stars shine at night. These are the things I'm going to pay close attention to.

 

 

Calm in the Storm

September is carrying on its tradition of high highs and low lows. We joyously celebrated my dad's 75th a little over a week ago and then we sadly said goodbye to my 82 year old father-in-law days later. The ebb and flow of life and death have been in-our-face present these days. One reminds us that we're born dying and the other that we better get busy living. As we witnessed Paul expire, it was said and felt that he lived a good life. There is peace in that because an end to sufferings after a life well lived is a blessing. We grieve and mourn, but we also celebrate the man he was...a good man. Just ask anyone who knew him.

My favorite thing about my fil was his quick wit and dry sense of humor. Yes, even upon meeting me for the first time when he lovingly calling me a hussie. I had on shocking pink lip stick and I turned a deep crimson red being after called out this way in front of the family I was determined to impress. And while I never wore that shade again, I have told this story often and fondly. You see if Paul teased you...he liked you. The two of us were known to banter. I am so going to miss that.

As the word has spread, we've received so many attestations to his spirit and his character. He was a jolly presence at any gathering, befriending everyone and raving about the food no matter. He was always gracious. If a game was on (any game), you'd eventually find him in front of the television and if cards were mentioned, he'd be all in.

He leaves behind four boys who will continue to carry on in the tradition of being good men. They gathered in crisis this week to support one another and their mother and they will all be stronger for it.

After the trying week, we escaped for a quick 24 hours to Windmill Beach. I was surprised Mike was up for it, but he welcomed the change of scenery, and Lake Michigan does the soul good. My brother and sister-in-law took care of us. They made us dinner and then brunch the next day. We watched the Badgers lose and the Packers win. We took a long quiet walk on the beach littered with dog and deer prints Sunday morning and I decided cool breeze and clouds be damned...I would swim. That galvanized everyone else so I had to go in even after I changed my mind. I'm glad I did too because a Sunday swim in late September is better than church for clearing the head, jolting the heart and soothing the spirit.

The next time we stay at the beach, the house will be very different. Construction starts soon and I'm excited to see my brother and sister-in-laws plans off paper. It will be an even more fabulous retreat when we return in spring.

We made it home just before a raging storm blew through. Shortly after settling in we received this picture from Windmill Beach. It felt like just the universe sign I so needed.

 

Heavy

I woke up this morning just before a storm rolled in. The sky was swollen and gray and the air heavy. It's the kind of day that is perfect for being quiet. Thunder boomed, lightning flashed and a siren wailed in the distance. The lights flickered and all three cats were on high alert, but I felt a peace in my bones. I am a pluviophile to my core. They settled when they felt my vibe. I threw my hair in a bun, put on my favorite sweatshirt that happens to say weekend vibes despite the fact it's Tuesday, and found my most lived in jeans. Comfort was my goal. 

I skipped my lemon water and went straight to coffee. I sipped it in solitude as I waited out the driving rain. This weekend we celebrated my dad turning 75. Tomorrow my mom would be 74. This is a tricky stretch for me every year filled with highs and lows. I honor them all. We feel pain so we can know joy. We experience loss and then learn to hold our loved ones closer. We laugh, we cry, we hurt, we heal, we give, we take, we question, we answer and at the end of it all that is life. To know one is to know the other.

I've been so wrapped up in the chaos of moving two kids to college that September's focus was on a different kind of grief. And also relief. Usually, Labor day passes and I start to feel laden with so much emotion. The totality of my mom's last month 14 years ago has left me with deep samskaras. The muscle memory is powerful. The heart is a muscle after all.

Dare I say I almost felt a tinge of guilt that I wasn't sad enough. Just writing this I know how ridiculous I sound. I miss my mom every day. I have been dreaming about her every night lately. Those muscles again. I know she is with me and a part of every experience I have. And I know she wants me to celebrate life not belabor her death.

Lord knows, I will die trying.

 

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

A week of solitude. The timing was right to have a week to myself.

Peace in my bones.

Mike comes home tomorrow and I'll see my kids on Sunday.

We'll gather for my Dad's 75th birthday. I have some fun things planned and a gift I know he is going to love even though he says no gifts. I'm in charge of salad, mac and cheese, cake and entertainment. I take my tasks very seriously.

A chat with Lils this week. She was upbeat, happy and not even stressing about Spanish despite the fact she claims to be a little out of her league. She's joined several clubs thus spreading her wings. She intended to join the club golf team until she found put she was the only girl. I can't blame her.

What I know about Ted thus far is that he is hooping a lot,  golfing on Fridays and playing chess every night with one of his roomies. Oh and both of their ovens haven't worked since they moved in. That's 5 guys and 1 microwave.

I got up and out twice this week for a workout at the start of the day. I'm positive that decision is responsible for my glass is half full attitude all day today. This morning I met a beagle pup named Lola and I think she was a definite mood boost as well.

Family Secrets podcast is back and Dani Shapiro is releasing another book, which I pre-ordered so I can be a part of her upcoming writer's workshop. I've been in a reading slump all summer long so I'm looking forward to the release of Signal Fires. She's one of my favorite storytellers. I can never put her down.

The other thing that is making me very happy is Moroccan oil body and hair products. I smell the scent and I feel so zen. It is another mood booster. We came across a fragrance when we were at a salon recently and I bought it for Lily. It smelled so divine on her that I had to get a bottle for myself.

When Mike is gone, I often make a tuna casserole. It's nostalgic for me, but he doesn't share my fond memories of this childhood meal. That being said, I no longer use Campbells soup or American cheese although I have nothing against American cheese in other dishes. I divvied it up and gave one to Candace after our happy hour the other night. It makes me happy to cook for my peeps.

A long chat with my uncle this week. He's someone who misses my mom as strongly as I do. A trip across the lake is in our purview.

It's still summer here. The most sublime part of the season...filled with beautiful days and cool nights. Nothing is better.

Time to go apple picking. 

The first monarch of the summer. I crossed paths with the beaut this morning.

A rare picture of all three kittens.

 

Dear Lily

 

I've been thinking about what I want to say here in honor of your milestone birthday. I have told you personally my most important and intimate thoughts. You aren't often in the mood to talk these days, but when you are...when we do, we have good ones.

Newly 18 and headed off to college makes for a big year. You are young in years with an August birthday, but an old, deep soul. I 'm a Leo too so I was in the same position, but I didn't share your level of self-awareness or self-confidence at this point. Both will serve you well as you navigate the often exciting and sometimes challenging times ahead.

 The very best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut and to be true to yourself. The power of instinct has rarely served me wrong and I believe you're wired the same way so always listen to that little voice in your head, that feeling in your bones without worry of offending someone or overreacting. Use your voice, your words, your safety alarm. Don't do anything just to fit in or because you feel pressured. Use your common sense and your moral code to guide your decisions. I trust you. Trust yourself.

Don't laugh, but the thing I worry most about is how you're going to live in a small room with two other girls. You're used to your own space with double closets and you haven't had to share a bathroom since Teddy went to college. It will be a fun experience, but there will be tests as you navigate quirks and schedules. Address conflict head on with only the party involved, be considerate and by all means don't leave piles of clothes everywhere. And remember, I had to share my shoe box sized room freshman year with my roomie and her 6 foot inflatable T Rex we had zero space for. As a sophomore, she moved in first and commandeered all the desirable places, but what I remember most is the way she looked out for me. Sure we had beefs, but that just comes with the territory.

 You are a particular eater and I also worry that you won't find enough healthy food choices even as I know that the options you have are so much more palatable than when I was in school. I pretty much lived on bagels, popcorn and late night pizza my first couple years. What I mean is be flexible. Eat apples if there are no berries. Yada yada,

This could probably go unsaid, but go to class. You are there by choice to learn. It's a privilege less than 1% of the world population enjoys. No less than 52,000 other applicants wanted to be where you are. Get to know your professors. You have seen first hand the way that has benefited your brother. And do not put pressure on yourself to decide what you want to do. You have time. Enjoy the exploration phase.

 I don't doubt that you'll intentionally make the most of the wide world before you. You are the perfect storm of mind and matter. You are bright and determined, but also thoughtful and keen. I used to worry that as an empath, someone who feels things profoundly, you might have a hard time putting yourself first, but you have proven me wrong. Instead I find that you consider your head and your heart together to guide you. That balance gives you confidence in your convictions. In every relationship, decision, disagreement, fork in the road, high and low this yin yang will serve you well.

I almost wrote that I cannot wait to see what your future holds, but that's just a platitude. I love where you are right now. I will be cliche and tell you that I'm immensely proud of you though. Proud of who you are more than what you do, but I celebrate that too.

You are my baby girl, my favorite daughter and my beloved friend.

I am the luckiest mama in the world.

I love you Cutie to the moon over Madison and back.

XO,

Mom

P.S. Sorry this is late. I've been a little busy.