Restless

I moved to the couch in the middle of the night. I was restless and sometimes a fresh place to lay my head is all it takes. Little Gus cuddled with me and gave me love bites when I would stop petting him as I succumbed to sleep. It's much sweeter than it sounds. I was tasked with making sure Lils got up for work this morning even though the girl has three alarm clocks. I could tell that day was breaking even in my sleepy state. I didn't want to open my eyes to see the time. I got a mental picture that it was 7:05 and when I looked, that time was confirmed on the dot. A good guess? Instinct? Energy channeled? It doesn't matter. Sometimes we just have to trust how absolutely bad ass our minds are.

I watched two hens walk through the yard yesterday. They both had poults that were staying close and preferring the perimeter. One gang was half the size of the other. Safety in numbers is always wise, but I am sure if they pass through today there will be fewer. A mama bunny was chasing her baby. We laughed and thought it was cute, but then realized that she was actually kicking it out of the nest. She finally ran away and left it in the middle of the yard looking so small and vulnerable. I'm not going to lie, my heart was a little broken. That bun bun can eat all my phlox and flowers. 

I have been quiet. I've been in my head. Something Selma Blair wrote in her memoir, Mean Baby woke me up. A moment can be a whole story. We don't have to have anything riveting or lofty to say to sit down and write. We just have to pay attention, notice things and trust that the words will come. I think in stories. I'm a writer to my core. These days I don't write much anyone else may care to read, but it is my sanity and so I come back again and again.

I liked Mean Baby. I didn't really know much about Selma Blair. I may have seen one of her movies. I was captivated by the cool candor she mustered in bringing meaning to her messy history. I could relate to her deep love for her mother, her penchant to internalize labels, and her deep need to understand where she came from so she can live freely now. Honesty grants permission to let go and heal.

I'm ready for the weekend even though this was a short week. The 4th was all the usual fabulousness we have come to know and love. The water was too cold for me to get in beyond my knees and brain freezing for anyone who tried to swim, but the sun was out and there was the nicest breeze on the beach. The water was glass one morning so I took the kayak out to the ship wreck. The SS Atlanta sunk in 1906 and on calm days can be seen from the surface. It was my first time visiting the vessel and the sight filled me with an immediate sense of panic. I became dizzy, disoriented and I couldn't wait to get back to shore. I'm not the first to have this reaction and I won't be the last.

 

 

Checking In

We were supposed to get storms last night. We didn't. I was in the mood for some raucous weather. The whole family was under the roof. Ted took the train from Chicago after work. I made a family favorite for dinner: Spanish Sheet Pan Chicken. I can now say with certainty that my kitchen mojo returns when my son comes home, although this dish is so so easy and also kind of perfect. I didn't eat with my family because I got a call from my uncle that I needed to take. I heard them talking and laughing from the other room and that was nice too.

My uncle was in a chatting mood. When he's got the gift of the gab he reminds me of my mom...his sister who was also known as Chatty Kathy. It was a good and long talk so long I had to plug my phone in and stand at the counter. He and my aunt are both dealing with major health issues reminding us all how precious our time here is. They are coming later this month for Lily's graduation celebration and staying for a few days which makes me happy. Lily too.

Tomorrow begins the annual Windmill Beach 4th of July festivities and this also makes me happy. I joked with Ted that he is missing the fireworks from the 58th floor, but he knows there's no better place than WB to celebrate this country's birthday. It's one of my favorite weekends of the summer. What's not to love about cold beer and country music on the beach by day, and bonfires and fireworks under the starry sky? It's the true manifestation of freedom, sovereignty, permission. Permission to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Good Enough

Yesterday was the first day of summer...the longest day of the year. It was a balmy 99 degrees. Lily spent the day at the pool with friends and came home sunkissed. I was thumbing through my planner and quickly found myself in September. The visual proof rattled me even as I know the phantom nature of time.

It just so happens that I spent most of this year thinking I was 53. I'm 52 so in this case I gained a year. The possibility of this is not lost on me. I don't get stuck on age...on the number, but rather what feels like an bonus year...extra time.

My brother recently told me that he thinks he may die young. He cited our mom and her dad...60 and 49. I wanted to protest, but it would have been in vain because I have felt the same. He told me this as an impetus for living in the moment...something he's quite good at and something I work on every single day. His carpe diem is larger and louder than mine. I'm a big believer in the extraordinary ordinary. In the end, it's the same thing although I doubt he sees it that way.

Father's Day this past weekend was not the usual whole family affair. There are painful rifts that weigh very heavily on my heart, but in the vein of seizing the day, I knew I wanted to spend some time with my dad. In the past, I have found myself in the middle of conflict trying to broker some peace. Not this time. I have made my peace and pray for others to do the same. I didn't try to plead cases, influence or shame. I just did what I felt was right and it was right for me.

I brought breakfast and we had a great visit. Lily took Grandpa's convertible for a spin and Bodi for a walk. We caught up and watched the menagerie of critters in the yard and I left knowing our presence brightened my dad's day making my heart a little lighter and hopefully his too.

We were home before Mike was finished with his 9 holes that became 18. The kids gave him a collection of hot sauces that is all the rage on Tik Tok so we did the challenge sampling all 10 on our grilled chicken. It was fun and not too too fiery...a good meal after a good day at the end of a good weekend.

 

 

Best Place to Be

The last ten days have been loaded, and as we move closer to the longest day of the year, I already know that the next couple months are going to be a blue streak, a blink, a blur. Being present is going to be a challenge. One I'm up for because here is a pretty good place to be.

Last week Lily graduated. This week she attended student orientation at the UW, bonded with her roommate and started the registration process. In between, she's been attending graduation parties. She just left for one now. 

Graduation was a touch surreal. Unfathomable in the way that I still clearly remember my own graduation. I think she''ll remember the lovely night fondly. She humbly wore the cords she earned...one for being in the top 10 percent of her class. Lily never needs to be the loudest voice in the room and that's just one of the things I adore about her. The ceremony was nice and not too long. The superintendent reminded us of the road blocks these kids had to overcome in this crazy world we live in and then he said that the class of 2022 is the best and the brightest he has ever seen. No pressure. I laughed because they looked like surgeons in their Carolina blue gowns. I expect there will be doctors, lawyers, CEOs and lots of success. We posed for some post matriculation photos and then came home to have champs and cake. I was just grateful to get a photo of her in her mortar board. Ted never retrieved his.

We did a quick pivot from looking back to looking forward. Tuesday we left for Madison for SOAR. I also remember my own orientation experience. My mom took me and we had a blast. We drove the VW with the top down and were burned to a crisp by the time we made it to Madtown. After the technicalities, we shopped on State Street and hung out at the piano bar at the Concourse hotel where we were staying. Back then, we didn't register for classes until we moved in at the end of the summer. Registration involved running around a still unfamiliar 936 acre campus, waiting in lines spread throughout the schools and praying for a spot.

Lily is taking her first semester seriously. She isn't sure what it is she wants to do and that is stressing her out a little, but we're trying to remind her that she has time. She deliberately chose her courses to explore areas of interest while also keeping an eye on graduation requirements.

After a 100 degree day of programming, Mike and I headed back to Ted's place and never left except to enjoy the roof top deck after the sun went down. Enjoy it we did. The oppressive heat of the day was replaced by the perfect, breezy night and the capitol alight was our view. Ted's other view. Lily and Faith ditched planned programming and went to Memorial Union for Babcock ice cream and to dip their toes in Lake Mendota. We were applauding that choice and also impressed that she really knows her way around campus. It's feeling more like home for her and soon it will be.

In the meantime, we'll be.here.now. 

Firsts and Lasts

The past couple weeks have been full. Full of firsts and lasts. All good. I finally felt a sense of relief Sunday night. We moved Teddy into his new place on the 58th floor Saturday and despite Chicago traffic and the hoops the John Hancock makes you jump through to move in, it went better than expected and his apartment is pretty darn sweet. Moving into a high rise is no joke. We had to use two different freight elevator banks (one to the 44th floor and another on to the 58th), and we had our very own elevator operator. The four of us (mostly three of them) got the job done in two hours. After a couple trips I started unpacking and organizing. We make a good team, which is good as we have many more moves in our future. Luckily, we have this place for a year. Lily is the best sister ever because she spent her first day of freedom (Friday was her last day of school) schlepping her brother's stuff. We left him all set. The word thus far is that he loves his place, has enjoyed the gym on the 44th floor several times, explored his new city a little only getting a bit lost, and navigated his way via bus to his first day of work on time. He's off to a good start, meeting fellow interns, buddies and mentors and said he'll call again at the end of the week.

Sunday Lils and I attended our last show of the season. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was not our favorite, in fact we almost left at intermission, but I'm glad we didn't because the second act was much better and redeemed the production. It's a good reminder to keep an open mind and stay the course. Yet I was beyond excited to curl up under my favorite afghan with one cat or another for the rest of the evening watching The Wire.

The past week was lots of prep for the big move. Mike and I admittedly take on more than need be, but it's because we want to. Teddy was mostly focused on playing lots of golf, a little poker, and spending some time with friends at Windmill Beach. He's going to be a suit for the next 10 weeks so I understand the desire to front-end load the fun. Although, I have no doubt that he'll be having his fair share of good times in Chicago.

Lily graduates on Thursday. Then we are jumping right into what's next by attending student orientation next week where she registers for classes. Her roomie will be there so they'll get to meet in person and begin the planning of the room. Ikea here we come. She prefers a small graduation party, which is on my list to plan, and then a bigger 18th birthday blowout at Windmill Beach in late July. I am on board with that idea.

The other big first that took place over Memorial Day weekend was our virgin country music concert. We continued my brother's 50th birthday celebrating by seeing one of his favorite artists who is one of my favorite now too. Eric Church was incredible. He loves this country and the crowd loves him. He played for 3 hours straight wrapped in an American flag for much of the show. I had a little hope for this country after this experience.

 

 

 

Closing Time

Last night was our last senior awards ceremony and the last event we will attend at the high school as parents. I was a tad wistful, but my overall feelings were of pride, excitement and gratitude. Pride because we have given our lovely Lily strong, healthy roots. Excitement because she has earned her wings. Gratitude for the community of top-notch educators, devoted coaches, willing mentors and her tribe of peers. Et didicit, quae fun, illa deductim. She learned, she had fun, she graduated with distinction.

She was recognized as a scholar athlete and she also received a pride award as captain of the golf team. I am proud of her on many levels, and also of her classmates, after all, I have watched so many of them literally grow up.

I kept hearing that notable Semisonic line: Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. That's the happysad. The bittersweet. Admittedly, more happy and sweet.

We got home at 9 o'clock freezing (the ceremony was on the football field this year) and starving. Teddy was wrestling with the dough. He managed to roast garlic, pan fry the sausage and habaneros and wilt the broccolini for his much talked about and anticipated homemade pizzas. Mike got to rolling, I uncorked a chianti and started on dish duty, and Ted doctored up the pies that were as delicious as promised. I sat at the island and felt a surge of whole body happiness for this family, this life we have created.

And while things are changing, with Ted leaving for Chicago in days and both kids out of the house this fall, I am content knowing that this house will always be their home and this family will always be their safe place...their foundation...their heart.

 

All Good

Where to begin? I feel like I've been whining a lot here lately. I had a physical this morning and I talked to my doctor very honestly about my struggles: annoying, not debilitating. She made me feel heard and she had some ideas. Most of which I already know, but there is a relief in giving voice to your feelings. It's almost like confession. I'm overdue on that too.

Life is full of stress right now and I recognize I am not alone. Everyone I know is dealing with something. Most everyone is dealing with somethings. Plural. And while it's life to face obstacles, milestones, fears and hardships on a regular base, nothing feels very usual right now. Normal bumps feel like mountains. I blame the lack of compassionate, competent leadership if I have to point fingers. Heck, I'll point toes too. It doesn't do much good for immediate abatement, but August will be here soon and then November.

What grants easement right now is consistent self care, abundant family time, and the sprinkling of joy moments that I look for every day. Case in point...Mike and I took a before dinner walk last night. I almost didn't, but then did. If I hadn't, I would have likely watched the news and that has been bad for me lately. It was slightly crisp, but beautiful. A perfect night I knew I would regret not enjoying. 

After dinner, I retired to read. I started Verity this weekend and finished it last night. It was a page turner that I thoroughly enjoyed. Reading is so much better for me than television, and guess what I've been doing? Not doing? Too much Netflix. Too few books. I went out of my way to return it this morning so someone on the waiting list can get it sooner. It's a small gesture, but one that made me smile. I'm hoping Mean Baby will be waiting for me soon. I believe in the little things.

Saturday we took a whirlwind trip to Chicago with the intent to get ready to move Teddy in June. We made good time getting down to the windy city in the rain, were able to find street parking, get the keys from the doorman and haul all our stuff up in a single trip only to find that there was no electricity. There was no power because Teddy had just set up the account late the day before. So while I wanted to kill him, I didn't drive 90 miles to make even more of a mess to clean up. We called Robert, the doorman, and inquired about getting an extension cord. He sent Danny, Mr. Maintenance, STAT. He didn't like the idea of pirating the building's electricity, but he smuggled us a cord nonetheless and we worked at lightning speed to vacuum and shampoo the carpeting. I love them both. It's a good thing the place had been professionally cleaned because the windowless kitchen and the bathroom had zero light. We bleached and Lysoled all surfaces again for good measure. In two hours, we were at Giordano's getting Chicago Style pies feeling pretty proud of ourselves for not fighting getting the job done.

I'm excited for Teddy. I think he's going to enjoy living in Chicago, in his own studio with a gym and pool and grocery store on the 44th floor, 3 blocks from the lake in one direction and Rush street in the other. Cue the Jefferson's theme...He's moving on up. Of course, we still have no idea where he'll be living in September. Details for another day.

Sunday was another productive day only this time at home and in the yard. It's unbelievable how all the beds are filling in. Everything is lush and green. I'm not a green thumb, but I wish I were this time each year, and some day I dream of a big vegetable garden instead of a few pots of herbs. I plan to go to the nursery Friday because while it's a little chilly, I think we're out of danger where frost is concerned.

We're turning so many corners - on the cusp of summer with a graduating senior and an empty nest in fall. Even though I have to occasionally remind myself...it's all good.