No Reason

 

Today is the kind of day that makes me feel like writing. It's broody and gloomy and just perfect for picking up a pen. I was up early for my annual physical. I've been putting it off as I do every year even though that just causes anxiety. I left feeling relief, a spring in my step and with an order for physical therapy for my problematic knee. It's not something that was on my radar, but at this point it makes perfect sense.

I was up early yesterday too. Two days in and I'm remembering why I like being an early riser. Ted spent Sunday night in his old room after spending the day because Meryl had to go live at 2 a.m. Monday. I got him downtown in time for his first morning call. 

We celebrated Grandma Pat's birthday Sunday. Mike made a huge pot of stick to your bones lasagna stoup and I baked a focaccia round. There were leftovers for all, which is a good thing because we are enjoying some prime soup weather.

It's also my favorite walking weather. Last night I went out after work. It was already dark, but the waxing Super moon and the egg yolk yellow trees cast enough brightness to expose a few deer lurking on the edge of the woods. I was giddy that I could see my breath and that my knee held out for three miles. I'm grateful that it feels good today too.

I was also grateful that I turned in early enough to read a few chapters of a new book, and also that I gave myself permission to abandon the two that have had me stuck, stalled. I waste too much time thinking I have to finish what I start even when it's not working for me. I have my daughter to thank for giving me the nod I needed. She recently decided to reduce screen time for pages. It got me thinking about better uses of my precious time. 

And isn't it the truth that the way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives? It's not so much about accolades and accomplishments as it is about the little things that matter big. Things like showing up every day for the people I love myself included. I take care of myself and then I take better care of them. 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The thirty-one days of October. I only wish for thirty-one more. Looking back on my favorite month mostly with fondness for the abundance received. Most importantly bounty of time well spent with family and friends.

Hosting the fam for Sunday dinner, Packer football and pumpkin carving. I made a double batch of Grandpa Vic's Beef Stew and two loaves of peasant bread. It's an October tradition to make this recipe in honor of his birthday. 

Date night with Pete and Sue. We visited the Sheboygan Asylum as an homage to when we were younger last Saturday. Every one of us screamed at some point and we decided that it was a solid spooky experience. We stopped for a delicious fall dinner in Port Washington on the way home. Think short ribs, meatloaf, pork shank and red wine.

 A short Friday of work. I had good intentions to get #$&! done this afternoon, and then I ended up carving the remaining pumpkins so I could harvest more seeds. And just writing that makes me realize that was a good use of time. It's Halloween after all!

Crisp and colorful end of day walks. We fall back tomorrow so for the next stretch of months we'll be doing so in the dark, and that's okay with me.
 

Crescent moons. 

The notion that Finding the way, is the way. - Marcus Aurelius 

The reminder to slow down, notice things and live in the moment. 

Sirius and when the song on the radio seems to be a message from beyond, above, within, ago. 

I haven't been taking many photos lately, but when I do it's the usual suspects.

 Gus's kissable little gray nose.

Hazel's gorgeous green eyes. 

 Gus's subtly striped tail.

And his Napoleon Complex. Because he's so small, he loves being lofted.

Hazel warming the napkins.

And then there are the photos they send me which I am always eager to get.

Face-timing with my girl.

 

And with Ted and Meryl when they are away so they can see their babes.

 

Lily left me a note in our journal when she was last home. It was so beautiful. I'm reminded how much I love that we have this line of communication and how I so appreciate our special mother/daughter bond.

Going on Amazon and seeing that Lily was shopping again. This time she was buying novels because she's decided  to read before bed instead of scrolling. That's my girl. 

Holiday sets at Costco. I couldn't resist.

Spending time in my kitchen again. Sunday I prepped a couple dinners for the week. Leftover dinner becomes lunch and I know that makes Mike happy. Me too.

 And the easiest most nostalgic lunch today: Grilled Cheese with a glass of chocolate milk made with American cheese slices and 2% milk mixed with dark chocolate syrup.

These sweet, silly personalities...

A day at the beach.

 

Banana Boy.

 

Camo Cat.

 

Hazel's new trick is to squirrel away all my Qtips.

Big Manny.

Big and Little.

 Avocado amore.

 

 

 

Busted. He was stealing my milk. See his chin. 

Happysad

Today I knew it was fall. When Gus and Hazel came to bed very early this morning, they were cool to the touch. We finally caved and turned on the heat even though they wear warm and permanent coats. I finally had to cave and put on real shoes. The sun didn't shine all day long and the first breath of morning air was so crisp it warmed my bones. I've been patiently waiting for a day like this...gray so the changing trees pop, chilly enough for for a sweater and a mug of afternoon tea, but still nice for a brisk end of day walk. It was good to clear my head and get in some steps and to be reminded of how good it is to do so.

Last night we celebrated our 30th anniversary. We kept the fanfare to a minimum opting for a toast, some well aged cheese, and a quiet night at home together. A little outing is in the works for the weekend, but the truth is, it's the extraordinary ordinary I cherish about the life we live together. Thirty is only a milestone because it's one more year than twenty-nine. That is to say that every year is it's own landmark, and each day an event.

We are in this new empty nester place. I tell newbies that it's not so bad. I can say that because my kids are connected and close in proximity. This past weekend Casa Wags was good and full. Lily and her roomies were home for a memorial for another roommate's mother. Circumstance aside and cancer be damned, I was happy to have them and to be the hub. I made an overflowing crock of tortilla soup and Mike made queso. They gathered around the kitchen island and then retired to the family room to watch the Brewer's last chance. Mike and I retreated to the little sitting area in our room to give them some space. I love this corner of our room where we have our Edith and Archie arm chairs and an ottoman to share...a cat on each lap. Gus and Hazel needed a little break from Manny and Murphy who arrived the night before. On that front, Murph's introduction to the gang was mostly seamless. Our two were a tad out of joint, but there were enough toys and commotion to distract her, and well, Manny is the man and nothing bothers him.

The service was Saturday afternoon on the most beautiful gift of a day. Dawn touched countless people with her kindness. That lead to a full church and a school reunion as she was a consummate volunteer even while she was fighting for her life. The eulogies were heartfelt and beautifully celebrated the person she was. It was good to be with so many honoring her too short life. 

Sunday was dreary and chilly as if on cue. I saw the girlies off early with what was left of the soup and orchard apples and all the bakery they didn't eat. And always toilet paper. Sunday was slow going just as it should be. Ted and Meryl arrived just in time for the Packer game hungry after a weekend of traveling for a wedding. Lucky for them I had the fixings for choriqueso and their favorite couch. Getting to spend quality time with all the kiddos and kittos last weekend filled me up. A full house is a happy house and the longer I live, the more that rings true. 

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Going from cozy in my bed to sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee in 25 minutes. Yep, I overslept and yep I showered and I only sped a little on my way to work.

Broody morning skies.

Pumpkins on porches. Halloween is for almost everyone and I love seeing all the participation.

 

There will be a game five on the Brewer's home turf. I'm telling myself this is the divine plan so they can clinch the division in Milwaukee.

Miss Bit will be starting her big girl life with a job after graduation. She received a very nice offer from the firm she interned with last summer. In the mean time with the what's next question answered, she can really enjoy her senior year.

 

She will be in Milwaukee!

It was a good and full week.

Monday night date with my guys. Ted got us tickets to the Brewer game so we took him to dinner before.

Mike made a batch of some of the best chili I've ever had. Jess made an impromptu stop Wednesday just in time for dinner.

Lots of Jess time. She bribed me to see the Taylor Swift movie Friday by promising dinner after. I enjoyed the movie enough to pop for the bill...it was my turn. That Taylor is a boss.

Mike washed and waxed all three cars Sunday.

I found my Li Bien ornaments. They sell them at World Market now so the tradition Nanny started will continue. 

Mischievous Murph. It's a good thing she's so stinkin' cute! Next weekend we are cat sitting. Four cats will be quite an adventure. We'll also have a houseful of girls. Nothing makes me happier than a full house.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Probiotics. They work.

Cheese and crackers for dinner. It's my go to when I'm home alone.

Leftover Mama Mia's. Loie loaded us up when she was here and we're still working on all the Italian comfort food.

New PJs. It's been awhile since I found a pair that I look forward to putting on at night. The Gap gets it right because they sell them as separates. I can get petite pants and a long shirt. That's my perfect pair.

A handy man to get shit done.

Sunday night football and Sunday family dinner.

 

Memory Lane drives. Loie and I went down the rabbit hole. So many old haunts.

Makeovers. My aunt understands make up. I do not. She gave me some good tips and I just happened to have the very same system she has. I'm thinking she recommended it to me.

Spring water my dad pumped outta the ground. It is so clean and delicious!

Swinging Door sammies. The pork chop with Brussel's was the bomb. A late lunch with Ted and Meryl a treat. Loie finally met the fam's latest additions: Meryl, Manny and Murphy.

 

True crime. My faves 20/20 and 48 Hours are back with new content.

Lavender. My aunt brought me fresh dried from her yard and a pretty bowl to keep it in. I have it next to my bed for sweet dreams.

Gus caught a mouse last night. He caught it several times. We were trying to get him to release it so we could scoop it up, but Gus was faster. The poor little guy finally high tailed it underneath the refrigerator. In the wee hours he came out and was caught again. This is Gus since the successful cat and mouse game. He will not take his sight off the frig. I'm waiting for him to crash.

 Hazel has her eyes on the flowers!

Another date with Jess tonight. Who are we go out girls?!

Lots of good games for our Wisconsin teams this weekend. 

 

October 2...A Sad One

 

The sun didn't make sense this morning after I read Lily's text. Her close friend and roomie lost her mother overnight. We knew it was imminent, but I know all too well that we can never be prepared for a loss of this magnitude. It levelled me when I was forty. K will turn twenty-two tomorrow. My heart is breaking for her. Them.

For some reason I was overcome with emotion when I saw a crane in flight. Maybe it was my skyward gaze, the majestic bird flying alone, or the song in cue:

Our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
Oh, we're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you

It's all I can do 

I ugly cried my way to work as I sang out of tune. For some reason the car is my ground zero. 

Seventeen years and three days ago was a similarly sunny day. I remember feeling the incongruity of the sky's brightness and the dark cloud that was my stark new reality. Life as usual felt like a personal assault on my grief. I couldn't fathom laughing, singing, playing, just enjoying life again, but slowly, shyly I did. This loss isn't about me, and yet I am feeling it viscerally. 

Today is a sad day.