weekending

We spent last weekend celebrating Mike. He is not one for pomp and circumstance. He never calls attention or pouts when he isn't the center of it. He's self-effacing, easygoing and pleasing. He's exactly the kind of guy that should always be revered. He had a couple days of quaint gatherings. It was just his speed. Drinks with a buddy Thursday night, lunch with his parents Friday, happy hour with my brother later that day. I made chicken Marsala for his birthday dinner. It's a favorite of his and a dish he usually chefs, but I took over for the occasion. We thought about going out, but it was a chilly night and the house was so cozy warm. It was a good choice and then we went out for brunch on Sunday instead.

I haven't left the house yet this weekend. It's Sunday morning. Mike is up north with the guys so it's me, Lils and the tres amigos. Yesterday I tackled closets, the pantry and the fridge. The cats were my helpers. Sister set off a mouse trap and I'm pretty sure she'll never venture into the crawl space again. Gus got locked in the chilly garage for an undermined length of time. Who knew he can muster a mighty meow when necessary. Of course, he is still trying to Houdini. Finn somehow wedged himself in my sock drawer. It took both myself and Lils to free him. Finally, they all crashed. Hazel under the dining room tree, which I will not decorate with my mom's ornaments this year...or possibly any ornaments. Finn curled up on Lil's bed and Gus passed out in my lap. I was grateful for the excuse to take a break. I was actually sore last night. Ten hours of deep cleaning can be a workout.

Lily picked up our dinner last night and then decided to stay in with me. We watched a mediocre thriller, a little bit of SNL that was actually funny and then went to bed early. She's still sleeping. The kittens had other plans for me. That's okay because I have more on today's list. Most important is a long walk with my girl and maybe a little more holiday decorating. My theory is to ease into it with my curious kittens. It will be less is more on many fronts this year and that just feels right. I'm still feeling fall here and I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I don't want to rush to it and through it. I want to be in the moment.

 

When Death Comes

when death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse   to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measle-pox   when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,   I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?   And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility,   and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,   and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence,   and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.   When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.   When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.   I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.   I don't want to end up simply having visited this world
Mary Oliver When Death Comes

Yesterday I received very tragic news. News that was not unexpected despite hope held and prayers said. My brave, strong, smart, beautiful friend lost her fight and this world lost an exceptional soul. Yesterday I was sad. Then numb. Today I'm sad and I'm red hot angry. Fuck cancer! Not eloquent, I know, but I'm not feeling my words right now.

My faith is tested when I see someone with so many hopes and dreams...someone doing such good in this world...someone investing in their health...taken senselessly and too soon. And yet at the end of the day I prayed for the peaceful repose of her soul and a happy reunion with her parents. Her mother is gone only a year. Amy spent a year championing her mother during her fight only to bury her and immediately start her own. I cannot think of anything crueler.

Sunday I picked up a card she'd sent me about a month ago. It was on a shelf in the living room. I almost threw it away, but I put it in the keep pile. It was written in her whimsical signature script with wit and warmth. She had gotten quiet since August when we had to cancel our girl's weekend, but I tried to keep sending her affirmations, notes, little gifts. I understood the pull back. In her note, she was thanking me for a book I sent and checking in as if she weren't counting her days. She signed off by saying that the fight was getting tougher, but she wasn't done with it. She passed Sunday night. I'm beyond grateful I kept the note.

Last night, I slept fitfully if at all. In the dark, my mind went to the scary places. You all know them. I know you do. I fought hard to go to the light...to remember the good times, and in doing so I was filled with gratitude that I showed up how and when I did. It's all we can do until death comes for us.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for....

Happy 50 something birthday to my guy. Lots of fun planned for him this weekend!

Lily's induction into the Spanish National Honor Society last night. I am proud of her dedication and hard work. And we also found out that she earned Academic All State again. Woot woot!

After the ceremony, I made a stir fry (consumed too quickly to be pictured) at the honoree's request and it was the perfect late dinner. She doesn't often eat what I make these days, but she loved it and she also enjoyed my broccoli cheddar soup (better than it looks) earlier in the week. I'm feeling inspired by the change in seasons.

 

Grandma and Grandpa are heading to Madison today to see Teddy's place and take him to lunch. They are also bringing him groceries. Should tide him over until Thanksgiving break.

An impromptu happy hour visit with Candace this week. It was good to see her face.

A busy week at work.

Tamarack trees.

 Gus has been extra snuggly lately at night and in the morning.

 

  

Snuggle weather.

 

 

My ladybug hunter.

Play mates.

 

I started my Christmas shopping this week. I'm not sure how extensive it will be this year. It just seems like a good one to keep it lean. I'm tired of being told to buy now or else. I'm trying to focus on the spirit and true meaning of the season over all of the stuff. And I'm hoping my loved ones feel the same way.

Presence. I'm happy right where I am now. I'm living my life with a be.here.now attitude. It's not always easy to be in the moment, but it's where I want to be. I'm looking forward to the holidays, but I'm not wishing November or December away. In fact, I'd hit pause if I could.

Wedding Weekending

This past weekend was one of celebration. There was a wedding that felt like a bit of a reunion, a birthday and just the joy of a beyond beautiful fall weekend. I cannot remember the last wedding I attended. It's been eons. Mike's cousin tied the knot at The Waters, which is on Lake Winnebago. The setting was stunning and the day sublime for outside nuptials in November. No one was cold except for the Texas relatives and if they'd have been warm, we'd have been hot. It was good to dress up, catch up with family, meet some new people, toast young love and party into the night with an extra hour.

 

Sunday the weather was just as lovely, and on the drive home, the colors were still wowing. The tamaracks were a showy yellow and they lined the highway like golden soldiers. I forget how restorative a 24 hour getaway can be. There's much to be said for stepping out of ones routine and visiting new places.

Lils enjoyed having the house to herself while we were gone although some girlfriends spent the night. The kittens were happy to see us, but I know they got plenty of attention while we were away.

 

 

We weren't home for long before heading to dinner at the in laws for my mil's birthday. It was me, Pat and the boys. Mark planned the steak dinner, we brought dessert and the guys cleaned up. We spent most of the evening sharing stories about the wedding the night before.

We were home in time to watch Succession. That's our Sunday night guilty pleasure. I forget how much I love a Sunday night show.

I was in bed early with Group, a memoir I've decided to pull the plug on halfway through. I don't like Tate at all and I don't believe her story. I don't know that I'd call this group therapy. Certainly not healthy therapy. And if you have to be in group therapy for decades, I'd call that co-dependency. Not judging...just not relating. Reprieve is giving me a reprieve.

It's already Wednesday and I'm looking to the weekend ahead. It's Mike's birthday weekend so we'll be celebrating again. 

On My Mind Monday

I used to think healing meant ridding the body and the heart of anything that hurt. It meant putting your pain behind you, leaving it in the past. But I'm learning, that's not how it works. Healing is figuring out how to coexist with the pain that will always live inside of you, without pretending it isn't there or allowing it to hijack your day. It is learning to embrace the people I love now instead of protecting against a future in which I am gutted by their loss.

********************

I know all too well that it takes only one bad night or one bad-news bearer to revise the way we remember everything before and after.

Between Two Kingdoms

Suleika Jaouad

Just want to remember these nuggets.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The beautiful fall weather we've been enjoying.The temps are above normal, the trees are still vibrant and the days are still longish even if for just another day.

 Halloween. I miss the days of it being a family affair. My mom always splurged on ridiculously priced, but adorable costumes and would walk with us. It's funny, but Halloween is one of the times I miss her most every year. Ted was a chicken and Lil's was the Easter bunny. He went out on the town in Madison. She went to a party. I didn't even see a picture of either of them. I wish I had a shot of Ted in a onesie chicken suit with a big tail. It could come in handy one day.

Cats in costume. The Good Witch, the Busy Bee and the Hungry Lion.

Ted came home Saturday for a golf event Sunday. My brother joined the two of us for dinner. at an old favorite. Ted wanted Lisa's pizza with extra cheese ala Nanny. It was quality time with two of my best guys. Pizza was top notch too.

Sunday Mike came home from the cabin and the four of us carved pumpkins. The boys weren't keen on the activity, but then I think they got into it. Gus had lots of fun.

 

Pumpkin seeds. Four pumpkins worth.

 I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and a big batch of meatballs for Sunday dinner. I also made a batch of my mom's pumpkin bread. Enough to share with friends.

 

Sending Ted back to school with lots of leftovers.

He accepted an offer to intern in tax at Andersen this summer in Chicago. He'll also be with them spring 2023 for a semester long internship. He gets to pick the city. He's thinking Boston.

Lils finished her college aps for early decision. She is feeling relief. I am too.

We attended our last golf banquet this week. As the captain and lone senior, Lily was the star of the night. Her coach read a portion of the recommendation letter he wrote on her behalf. I was teary. He recognized her for the humble, hard working and kind young woman she is. During her speech, she was teary when she was honoring the coaches. She pulled it together to present the awards to varsity and said such thoughtful things to each teammate. I was beyond proud. I didn't video or even take a picture and that's ok because I was present in the moment instead of trying to capture it.

Lots of reading this week. I finished Not a Happy Family and recommend it if you are looking for an engaging thriller. Now I'm into Group, a memoir about therapy. I picked up two more books from the library this week and I feel certain I'll finish strong with my 2021 reads.

Jess came for dinner this week. I was excited to try a new Brussels sprout recipe out on her. They don't look like much, but the deeply roasted sprouts topped with garlic chips and a soy butter sauce then finished with a drizzle of honey were quite tasty. I'm finding inspiration in Cook This Book.

A new flannel duvet cover that is beyond cozy and makes it near impossible to get out of bed on chilly mornings.

And always...life with pets. Never a dull or lonely moment at Casa Wags.

A full house and full laps. Full hearts too.