December 31, 2020

 

I woke up this morning to the sound of a skein of geese flying south. South as in the river not Florida, but it still struck me that here we are in the beginning of winter at the end of another year. Last day ennui has set in. I feel quiet as I replay what's been and prepare for what will be. The hush is nothing new. Every year on this day I feel the weight of the ending and beginning.

I started Greenlights yesterday. It was my turn. The fact that this book came to me right now is what I call a universe moment. It's when you get exactly what you need exactly when you need it. When you are ready and open to receive it. It's akin to being in the right place at the right time both literally and figuratively. See Matthew McConauhey's book is described more as manifesto than memoir and in it he talks about how to live life with more understanding and with greater satisfaction. I can get on board with that.

Many years I try to come up with a word to live by. Frankly there are many words I feel calling to me this year and so I'm just going to to stick with open. I'm open to all of it: joy, peace, forgiveness, fun, growth, hope, faith, gratitude, challenge, lessons, blessings, grief, grace, stories, signs, laughs, tears, hugs and high fives.

Happy New Year friends!

Christmas 2020 is in the Books

I have a gazillion pictures from our holiday celebrations, but I've yet to upload them. Looking back, I have to say that although 2020 was a bust, Christmas 2020 was one of the best ever!

Pat and Candace came by on the Eve Eve and stayed for a little holiday cheer. It was the perfect spontaneous way to enjoy the festivities of the season and it got me off to a happy start. It put me in the spirit if you will.

I was up early Christmas Eve morning and busy as a North Pole elf. I set the table, prepped for that night's feast, finished wrapping and took a walk in the woods with my guy. We had tickets for 3:30 mass. I am so glad we went, but I missed the packed to the brim church standing room only and the full choir. There was s a bustling energy that was missing. And Father Tim. However, I did not miss fighting for a seat, and the duo sang beautifully some of my favorites like: The Holly and the Ivy and Oh Holy Night. We all sang Silent Night and Adeste Fideles. I sat sandwiched between my kids feeling immense joy and happiness. Ted sang through the entire mass be still my mama heart. We drove home along the lake like we do every year so we could gawk at all the pretty lights and then we stopped in at my brother and sil's for a little Christmas Eve cheer. Christmas Eve was my mom's time and it doesn't feel right if the two of us aren't together to toast her. He carried on my mom's tradition of good and strong Tom and Jerry's. I had my first and likely last of the season. We went on our merry way home where we started opening some gifts. We paused to get dinner ready. Chicken and waffles was a unanimous family decision and a delicious one at that! The four of us participated in the making of the meal which we enjoyed with a little bubbly. After dinner, we resumed gift giving. Everyone was happy. Ted most of all with his new running shoes, Mike with his new razor, Lils with her Athleta leggings, and I loved everything, but was most surprised by a Vitrola. Yes, in the days of Spotify and Apple Music I am fascinated by vinyl. Our collection ranges back from college days so we rocked out to Def Leppard on Christmas Eve and for a little while I was back on Frisby Floor. After gifts, Mike went to bed, Lils went to her room to hand crochet a blanket for her Grandma the next day, I set the table for Christmas Day dinner and finished my glass of wine beside the tree in true McGurk fashion, and Ted went out because he is in college.

The days of Santa Claus were magical, but I don't miss them. I woke up Christmas morning to a tidy house and was able to set right to preparations for the night's gathering while the rest of the house slept. It was a more relaxed morning. The kids boycotted my annual cinnamon rolls because of our light and unindulgent dinner the night before. Instead they worked out. We purposefully planned the meal to be host friendly because no one wants to be slaving away in the kitchen on Christmas Day. It was also traditional and yes, delicious. The menu included Caesar salad, grilled tenderloin with a red wine shallot sauce, fontina and sage mashed potatoes, my mom's zucchini and tomato casserole, roasted Brussel's sprouts with balsamic reduction and fresh baked rolls. The other trick was to have the guests, who always want to bring something, bring the appetizers. It was smart, but I'm telling you between Judy's shrimp and my aunt's as big as my island charcuterie, we almost didn't need dinner. Before dinner, we opened gifts. It was still light out! The kids made out like bandits, or like the only kids in the family as they are. Everyone else was pleased too. Grandma Judy loved LOVED her blanket and Grandpa went straight to change into his University of WI Grandpa sweatshirt. And everyone broke the rules. What can I say, The Evans family is a bunch of outlaws! We sat down for dinner at 7:30 so only an hour late. Another Christmas miracle. Ten of us fit cozy around the table that I set with a combination of my Grandma Rosie's china and my china. Cozy is the point. My brother and Ashley brought a delicious magnum of pinot that paired perfectly with the steak. The guys cleared and cleaned up and then we headed to the family room for white elephant. Mingo, the singing flamingo, was the coveted gift of Christmas 2020. It had nothing to do with the fact he sings country music or that my aunt suited him up with a belt of fancy bottles (shots). Everyone except Grandma Judy left their white elephants at Casa Wags. Even Mingo who it will take a ransom to get back. I think maybe this tradition has run it's course. Speaking of courses, I broke out the panna cotta and the chocolate mousse for dessert. I couldn't decide so I made both. The night ended with a kitchen dance party. Don't all Christmases? The parting song was Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Lights. I kid not.

Saturday all the things I planned to do were dashed. Instead I stayed in my pjs most the day watching Netflix and hydrating. It was a lovely and much needed day of rest at Casa Wags. I would have stayed in all day if not for the fact that T Bone's birthday was Sunday and I needed to make him his favorite French Silk pie. He still hasn't eaten any, but I'm still glad I made it. Having a birthday two days after Christmas, sort of sucks so I always try to make him feel extra special.

Sunday we went to Mike's parents for a belated holiday celebration that was low key so different, but also very nice. I wish I would have thought to ask if we could celebrate Ted's birthday too because then my pie would have been eaten and he would have felt the love. Not that he didn't, but his birthday is so often an after thought. 

And now here we are looking at the end of the year...a year I think it's fair to say we are all eager to bid adieu to. Maybe I'm a little gun shy of 2021 because so much is still uncertain. It doesn't exactly feel like a clean slate or a fresh start, but the only way out is through so we don't deviate. We push on hoping and praying that better days are ahead while also grateful for the good days behind. 

 

Post Christmas Blues

 

Since I last wrote, we've celebrated Christmas three times and Teddy's 20th birthday. Yes...two decades old. The post holiday blues have set in, but the four inches of snow that fell overnight is helping mitigate my melancholy. It's the kind that sticks to all the bare branches prettying the naked landscape. We're looking forward to 2021...starting to plan for NYE and the new year, and yet I cannot say that I'm expecting much to change in the first six months of the year. I blame that for a good part of my moodiness. This morning I sat in silence beside the tree that was alit all night. I like to leave it on when it snows, or when it's cloudy, or anytime I'm home. I'm already missing the tree, but have no plans to take it down. I pride myself on being a mid January tree taker downer. But the point is that I'm not being present. I'm fast forwarding when all I want to do is hit pause.

There have been many things I've lamented about 2020, but all of this family time is not one of them. As much as I hate that Teddy is having such a shitty college experience, I love that he's been home since Thanksgiving and won't be going back until the end of January. I will miss his big hugs before he leaves for wherever he's going, I'll miss him asking me what's for dinner, I'll even miss losing every single game of Catan. I won't miss his music because I have my own playlist of his favorites now. Even he was impressed when I put it on last night while we had a Teddy choice night: Lisa's pizza and Catan. And yes, I lost although Mike won. Before Ted left to meet up with friends, he sang us a rap he'd recently written. I have to say that I was impressed. Mixing music will be part of his brand I'm told. He's a dreamer...a schemer, but he is going into second semester with some clarity. He's changing his major from finance to accounting at the urging of a professor and a TA who recognize that he is a natural with balance sheets. What I thought was most insightful though, was the fact that he realized he doesn't like finance. He likes accounting. And this is the lesson called do what you love.

I'll miss hearing my kids connecting. Lily will always be the little sister, but they are becoming peers. The other night while I was folding laundry in my room, I eavesdropped on them chatting it up in Lil's room. I know she looks up to him, but he also respects her as he should. Her emotional maturity is off the charts. She's finishing off this semester at home, but the plan is to be back in school at the end of January. This is great news, but I must admit that it has been nice to have her safe at home where her days start less abruptly. We share a lemon for our morning waters and she starts her day in her pjs. She loves being able to make a fresh salad for lunch and often gets in a workout. After the better part of a year at home, going back to school will be a major adjustment, but it's good. And time.

It's also time to start looking ahead. For Lils, that means ACT and college visits. Confirmation. Prom and softball too. For Ted, it means picking classes for next semester, deciding when he's going back to Madison and finding an apartment for next year. My intentions for next year include: eat lots of plants, learn something every day, move my body more, strengthen my spirit, focus on gratitude, remember to say please, thank you, I love you and amen often...always, and to say yes to the things that really matter.

The Eve Eve

 

Have I said that it doesn't feel like Christmas is coming? coming as in tomorrow. Today it's a balmy 50 degrees. The pavement is wet from rain not snow. And this weather is but one thing tripping me up.

The kids finished their shopping yesterday. Even though I was done, a few last minute items found their way into my Amazon cart. Damn Jeff Bezos!. I am my mother's daughter. She always made sure that there were an equal number of packages for all of us under the tree. As hard as I try to resist, I've got this same penchant.

Today I need to grocery shop. I'm dreading it because I fear that's everyone's MO. I'm worried I won't find Brussels's sprouts and white roses. I know wah wah. I also need to stop in at work even though I am off today. I'm not complaining though. It's a good thing that I'm ending this year and starting next with projects. I must get out for a walk at some time too because I ate the donuts my brother dropped off from our favorite Oostburg bakery for dinner last night. And I don't eat donuts. At some point, Candace is coming by to drop off some cookies her neighbor baked for me. I hope she'll stay for a glass of wine by the tree.

This deserves a little aside. Candace stopped by while I was finishing up baking on Saturday. I was assembling trays of cookies for neighbors and friends. Candace is a dear friend who always gets cookies, but I didn't know she was coming. I gave her one of the trays and added extra for Gordon, who is spending his first Christmas without his partner. Candace texted me later to tell me that Gordon could not pick a favorite and had almost eaten them all. Now he's sending me cookies. Cookies I don't need, and yet very much appreciate because this is Gordon's act of kindness. Kindness begets kindness and isn't that a beautiful thing. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? Generosity, not of expensive things, but in acts, thoughts and in spirit.

 

My brother stopped in on Saturday afternoon as well. It was a nice surprise. He and Teddy played a game of chess and we chatted while I baked. Brad was my first assistant baker when we were just kids. I make some of the same cookies we made eons ago today because #foodismemories. I sent him home with a tray because #foodislove.

Last night I called my aunt to thank her for the beautiful poinsettia that was delivered to my door Sunday. I told her I made her Kris Kringles over the weekend and I shared that I thought of her while I baked them. I reminded her that I have her handwritten recipe in my binder protected in a sleeve. She got what I was saying. We talked until my phone died. I wish I could drive around the lake and go visit my aunt and my uncle. This pandemic is especially difficult and isolating for older people. 

Sunday after church we went out for breakfast on busy igloo lined Downer Avenue and I actually forgot about Covid for awhile. I cannot remember the last time we went out for breakfast. We crammed into a booth at The Pancake House starving. Ted ordered an omelet as big as a plate, a not so short stack of pancakes and a Nutella crepe. He almost finished all his plates. People were out and about on the sunny day. We drove home along the lake. The streets were crowded with people and dogs. So many dogs. 

 I have a confession to make. I started researching puppies this week. I'm thinking small dog and fond of Teddy Bears, Malti and Cava Poos. Mike doesn't want a dog. The kids would rather a big dog, but will settle for any dog. Am I crazy? I miss Tigger so much and I cannot imagine a cat filling his paws. And let's face it, 2020 is the year of the pivot.

I hear alarms ringing so the rest of the house is on the rise. That's my cue to skedaddle. 

Before I go, let me just share my wish to anyone that shows up here...I hope you find some peace and joy in these upcoming days of wonder and light.

Grateful Friday

 Today I give thanks for...

Plans to bake the day away tomorrow. Lily agreed to help. We'll make about eight more varieties and probably about 24 dozen. This is the latest I've waited to bake. So late that I thought maybe I'd skip it this year, but I also knew it was only a matter of time because my neighbors, my co-workers and my kids expect them. I've said no to cutouts this year. That feels like a bit of a relief.

I made a triple batch of Irish cream tonight. It's bottled and ready to be gifted.

The kids are officially on break. They both seem lighter. Mike too until 2021. I get my bedroom and my dining room back! I'll enjoy lots of freedom and flexibility until the new year and a few days off here and there.

Between now and the end of the year, each of us at Casa Wags gets to pick a night to plan dinner and a family activity. I'm up Sunday.

This idea was inspired when my husband made us Brick Chicken the other night and cleaned up all the dishes after. And he used a lot of dishes! It was yummy, but he's going to keep looking for that company worthy version.

After watching The Queen's Gambit, Teddy's been borderline obsessed with chess. He and Mike have been having games after dinner at night.

Mike and I started The Outsider last night. I'd never heard of it. Not sure how as I love Jason Bateman and I love thrillers.

Permission. I have been staying up late and sleeping in. Not eating as many veggies as I should or drinking my celery juice. I'm not drinking enough water or getting enough exercise. I'm watching too much Netflix and I'm not reading. And I'm letting it be until January 2nd when I'm in for a very rude awakening.

Nanny's broiler burgers. They were a treat when I was growing up. My boys love them too. It's what's for dinner tonight.

Plan's to watch the Packer game at the Weslow's tomorrow. I don't much care about football these days, but I love getting out, hanging out in their cozy family room and being with friends. I'll unload some cookies, a bottle of Irish cream and a stunning candle I know Sue will love. I think we'll start planning New Years Eve.

All my Christmas gifts are purchased and most are delivered. None are wrapped.

The kids still have shopping to do, but they can go together all by themselves and I can sit by the tree and read. Or wrap.

The kids helped me put together a Spotify playlist with their music I love, and no I don't love all their music. I do appreciate Drake, Khalid, and Post Malone though.

Duets. Lils and I were listening to Hamilton in the car yesterday and we kinda got into The Schuyler Sisters. Sometimes all you need is to sing loud and proud in the car with your best girl. We miss musicals and were both cursing Corona because we would have been getting excited to go to Hamilton this spring. My second time, her first.

A new lap top. Of course, I'm using my old one. The new one is next to me. I am not a change master. At least I'm self-aware. 

Pause

 

I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit, but I'm not exactly not feeling it either. I'm not in an all out funk, but I'm feeling that down yo lasts a little longer. I just got off the phone with my dad and I had a bit of an epiphany. For me this time of year is about nesting, baking batches for friends and family, hot toddies around the tree and family movie nights. That's kind of been the MO for the past nine months minus the tree so December just doesn't feel different this year. We've had so much hygge, I've baked myself silly and we're all out of options on Netflix, Prime and HBO. Listen, I am first to admit that these are first world problems, but I'm just keeping it real. Real and honest.

The house is decorated. I usually cannot wait to put out my favorites: my mom's simple wood and straw manger, my dining room tree filled with her collection of glass ornaments, the family tree that no longer accommodates all of our ornaments, my Li Bien and Vietri collections. Everything has a story, and therefore, a special place in my heart. The last few years I've put out less because even at Christmas, less is more. Unless, of course, we are talking about white twinkly lights or Frasier fir candles. I made the first and second batches of the year. I baked pistachio kisses at Lil's request and the most perfect chewy molasses cookie that I love with a cup of coffee in the morning. I've shamelessly revisited the ritual of cookies for breakfast during these 12 days of Christmas. Most years I bake about a dozen different family favorites and some of them four to six dozen at a time to share with friends, neighbors and family. I don't see that happening this year although I know there a few more batches in my future. We've yet to watch a Christmas movie, but a good friend gave me Love, Actually and said it's a must. I'm thinking this weekend. I did a little less shopping this year. It feels like a good year to have a reset, and yet I'm not exactly done yet so one never knows. I banned the purchase of wrapping paper and ribbon in 2020 vowing to use what I have on hand, and then I couldn't resist a single roll of the cutest paper ever and that led to numerous coordinating rolls and spools of ribbon. I am human and weak. We're planning and very much looking forward to our holiday celebrations, but I'm not eager for their arrival. I enjoy the bask and glow wholeheartedly. The state of anticipation is my happy place. Crescendo is my religion.

This is the time I prefer to hit pause. To focus on presence, not presents. To count my blessings not the gifts under the tree.  To connect, cherish, commune,  celebrate, contemplate and choose to be right here right now.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Christmas spirit. A before dinner walk around the neighborhood last night to gawk at the lights. There are decorations galore this year, which makes perfect sense. We are all home and we all need some bright festive cheer. Lils and I decided we needed to up our game a little at Casa Wags so I found the box of candles that I got from my aunt, and we put one in every window. We're getting there.

Family time. I am so filled up with the four of us home for another extended period. I love having family dinners and then retiring to the family room for an episode of the Queen's Gambit. Sometimes I don't love the loud rap music or the laundry that never gets put away or the blender that is always in the sink, but that's the small stuff.

Things are picking up at work. It feels good to be busy again.

A vaccine. It's a light at the end of the tunnel. There are better days ahead. Yet I wonder what life will look like on the other side. We've been living a certain way for almost a year and I feel that we are going to have a new normal.

Lily will be back in school at the end of January.

A new piano.

Reading before bed. I've been working my way through Cool For America. It's a book of short stories that I am enjoying until the end. Sometimes I feel like short stories end abruptly and inorganically...like the whole point is to make you ask huh?

Tea weather.

Homemade granola. Pistachio cherry was a tasty combo.

That I took so many pictures of Tig.

A quiet weekend ahead.

Weekending

I really needed mass today. When I saw that it was Father Tim, it felt like a hug. It's the first time in a long time it's the four of us in one pew listening to his three things. In his is sermon today, he spoke of heaven being right here on earth. It's hard to fathom, especially given the way there seems to be so much disease, discontent and chaos in the world, but I do get it.

And speaking of heaven...we said goodbye to Tigger Friday morning. Letting go of a pet is never easy, but losing him was harder for me than any other furbaby. He was everyone's best friend, the heart of the house, the smartest, sweetest, softest cat I've ever known and loved. It's not dramatic to say I'm crestfallen even though this has been building. It's impossible to prepare for final goodbyes. I was there for his last breath. He went peacefully and then I couldn't bring myself to leave the exam room without him so I stayed for what felt like a really long time. I left with only a tuft of his fur and my tears.

I called Jess Friday evening to tell her. She told me that she was on her way to Casa Wags. She was already in the neighborhood and it struck me as a universe moment and also a very welcome distraction. I made a big pot of rigatoni and a quick red sauce along with an extra buttery loaf of garlic bread for the kids, Jess and me. We ate our feelings. Mike was at a neighbor's licking his wounds twice. The Badgers lost to Marquette.

Saturday was an off day. I was emotionally exhausted, but I managed to get a few things done and then Candace came bearing the most beautiful bouquet. As I was opening a bottle of wine for us to share, Ted lost the case study he'd been working on for two days straight and was about to send in. He also lost his composure. Candace decided not to stay. He accepted his situation quickly and got back to work. It was yet another lesson learned this year. Hit save. We ended up having a nice family fajita dinner after which we cozied in the family room watching tv and relaxing. It was just what I needed.

St Nick visited overnight. We didn't do stockings until after church because both kids wanted to work out before mass. Teenagers. I can remember the days when they couldn't wait to plow through them. Now other things take precedence. They both appreciated their annual ornaments: a dozen eggs and a chicken. He eats more eggs than anyone else I know and one of her nicknames is chicken. Then I appropriately made scrambled eggs with ham for brunch. Lils had chicken and Brussels sprouts. No joke.

Candace returned and we walked the river trails on the mild gray day both feeling extra grateful for the time to catch up, the ability to move, the breath of fresh air. I turned yesterday's stock into soup and got a loaf of pheasant bread proofing. Before dinner, we trimmed the tree. Mostly the girls with a little help from the guys. This year's fir is perfect, but smaller than usual. Sadly, we couldn't hang every ornament. Of course, the chicken and the eggs got prime real estate on the front of the tree. The four of us gathered around the island after the tree was trimmed for big bowls of chicken noodle soup that just might be one of my best batches ever if I don't say so myself. Lily's doing the dishes, the boys are wrestling and I am here. Not because I have anything riveting to share. Just because I want to capture these times, these ordinary days, this extraordinary life.

At weekend's end, I'm still feeling a bit off, a little happy and a little sad...happysad, but I'm definitely feeling grateful. That's a good place to be this time of year. A very good place.

Grateful Friday

 Today I give thanks for...

These turkeys. Thanksgiving was not what we planned and hoped for this year, but we still had a festive, memorable, delicious day.

My Dad and Judy spent days preparing their traditional feast and then portioned them out, placed them in pretty baskets, tied them with bows and delivered them ready to reheat. #foodislove. 

Happy hygge. Today I woke up ready to start decorating. I'm feeling like less is more this year, but I might change my mind. My dining room tree is in its glory. The living room tree is in the garage. The guys got the boughs lit and hung out front. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Simplicity. There's been a consensus on both sides of the family to forgo gift giving and instead donate our resources to those in need. This year, that feels like the right thing to do. I'm sure there'll still be little gifts and white elephant gifts and we will all count our blessings.

Scattegories. We played it after dinner last night. It was a fun change from our standbys.

A little cyber Black Friday Christmas shopping today.

St. Nick comes next week. I have more fun with filling the stockings than any other seasonal gift giving.

Lils and I had a nice girls weekend while Mike was at deer camp. We spent mucho time together watching movies, cooking, walking, and editing her definition essay. 

Sticktoitness. The editing wasn't really fun, but I witnessed Lily completely rewrite her essay three times. The third time was the charm. Her essay was strong, compelling and some of her best work.

Pivoting. We're all doing a lot of that these days.

A new painting for the family room. Next up are floors and then furniture. It's long overdue. When we moved into this house 15 years ago, we bought five year furniture.

Tickets for mass again this week.

Irish cream. Homemade.

Neighbors who deliver a fresh loaf of pumpkin bread for your Thanksgiving breakfast.

Friends who drop off your mom's pumpkin bars for your dessert. #foodismemories.

Orange poinsettias. Thank you Ashley.

An overdue haircut.

A full house again.

Happy Thanksgving

I'm up early on this holiday morning. It's a solemn gray day, which feels fitting. I'm not going to say that I'm sad, but my heart certainly is wistful. I'm convinced that's part of the human condition in 2020. I'm not wallowing...just honoring that sorrow that is part of life these days. I'm watching the Macy's parade as I do every year. Although I'm grateful it wasn't cancelled, this spectatorless version is strange. How festive can a parade be without goers? It seems wrong to see the streets of NYC so deserted.

When the rest of the fam gets up, we'll get in our pre-feast exercise. Mike and I will take our annual walk. We won't be ten around my dad's table this year. We were going to be and then Ted was exposed. He's in the clear, but COVID fear is a thing. My parents spent the week preparing their usual feast and we are gathering at my aunt's to swap out contributions and share a holiday toast in the aire libre. I think it's an honorable attempt at making lemonade out of lemons.

I'm grateful I don't have to cook, but most of all that I won't miss this annual meal I so enjoy. Last night Lily helped me prepare the apple crisps without my having to ask. My charge is dessert. Ted was in the kitchen with us getting comfortable with the cast iron skillet. I think he'll need one now because he was rather in awe of his chicken thighs seasoned with adobe. Rightfully so...they were delish. The boys retired to the family room for the Badger basketball game and Lils kept me company while I made Irish cream and set the table with things I found around the house.

It will be the four of us. Note I didn't say just. The four of us is enough. In fact, I'm rather looking forward to an easy going day with my best peeps.

I have an abundance to be grateful for on this day...everyday. First and foremost the love of family and friends. Everything else is gravy.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

My brother-in-law. He came to help Mike move a piano from our neighbor's across the street to our house. Moving pianos is serious business. He did it without a single complaint and then stayed for dinner: bowls of warm soup. That was his payment. It was a lovely way to start off the week.

We have a piano. It does need tuning.

My son, the GOAT. His team took first place in this semester's business school case competition. He was the presenter and one of the judges gave him his business card because he was rather impressed.

He'll be home for the holidays next week. He'll be home next week for months.

Grandpa hooked him up with one of his clients to talk about a business venture T Bone is working on. T Bone has lots of big ideas, but he needs guidance with developing a business plan.

Sue and I were talking about favorite Christmas movies this weekend. She was surprised I've never seen Love, Actually. It was delivered to me by Amazon on Monday. That was a happy and thoughtful surprise.

Staying connected as best we can. A long chat with my aunt in Michigan one evening this week..

A date with Candace this week. We walked the river trails on a beautiful 60 degree late afternoon and then came home for a glass of nice cab.

A mother daughter walk and talk this early evening. We're off to a good start for our girl's week. Lily let me read and nap while she made us dinner the other night and then we watched a movie. Rebecca. It was decent. Tonight will be another movie night. 

Tomorrow is a work day. I have a list of projects that need attention and I'm feeling ready to tackle them. Lily is volunteering at the food pantry. We'll probably do carryout and stay in cozy.

I'm scheduled for a COVID antibody test on Sunday. Ted, who tested negative for COVID, has one on Wednesday.

I'm putting up my dining room tree on Sunday. I'm seeing more and more decorating and while it seems just a tad early, I cannot deny that this year we need whimsy more than ever.

A new camo scarf. I love scarves and I love camo. Come December 1st, the only packages in the mail will be for others. The no shopping for oneself rule is a firm December edict.

Going to bed a little earlier to read. My main book this week is Empty. It's filling my head though.

  The impulse to narrow everything to inheritance can obscure other influences.

Getting up earlier. Twice this week I was up by 7 o'clock. I'm working on making that a habit.

A new plan for Thanksgiving this year. It's unlikely we'll be 10 around the table, but we're thinking creatively and  making the best of the shittiest year ever.

The Witching Hour

The witching hour is from 3 to 4 o'clock a.m in my book. When I find myself awake during these still dark as night early morning minutes, it's always trouble. Last night I woke and waited for sleep to return, but it was elusive. My mind was full of worries and lists and thoughts and plans. I'm concerned about Ted's COVID stricken roomie and fearing that Thanksgiving as we planned it must now be canceled. I'm feeling sorry for myself because this timing sucks, this virus sucks, 2020 sucks. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and if Ted comes home, we must stay home. How can we not let Ted come home?  I've made just one turkey in my tenure. Or let me rephrase that, my mom cooked a turkey in my oven the one year we hosted Thanksgiving. I know I can do it, but I don't want to. I'm feeling the pressure to get going on Christmas shopping and in the dark ink hours my mind is abuzz with ideas for gifts. There are countless other lists too. This COVID world makes it feel impossible to make progress...to move forward. I'm in the rabbit hole. I have monkey mind. I'm stuck. I finally relented, rose and headed down to my reading spot to pick up where I left off hours earlier with Empty. Tigger was happy to curl up beside me on a corner of the sherpa afghan. He was cold to the touch. His fur, his nose. Later I discovered that the window was cracked open in the powder room.

I briefly contemplated making coffee, but decided any caffeine would rule out any potential to drift off again. Susan Burton had my attention. Her Empty is filling my head with connections. We are peers in age and familial status. She speaks my language. And while I have never suffered from an eating disorder, I have certainly battled my body image for most of my life. I'm reading this memoir as a daughter, a mother and a friend. The level of insight is a little bit overwhelming in the way it is making me look in the mirror. Look long and hard. Stare. After 100 pages, I curled up and slept until sun-up. I was first to greet the day and it's been a long time since I'm the earliest riser. Tig stayed beside me the whole time and when I got moving, he headed upstairs to crawl in bed with Mike. It was one of those mornings I feel extremely jealous of my cat.

I was first in the office. That's a first in quite some time too. I finally got that coffee and also a jump start on my day. It's been a busy week and that is good. I like busy even if I'm still not used to it. I ran home for lunch so I could say goodbye to my deer hunter. He's headed north with the brothers and nephews for male bonding most of all. It's good for him. He's home most of all these days. A change of scenery is restorative...especially that scenery.

Lil's and I have few plans while he's gone because...COVID, but I'm sure we'll keep ourselves entertained. We're resourceful and ready for a change in routine too.

Weekending

This blog is becoming a weekend review. I'm not compelled to keep up the way I once did and that's okay. I'm still grateful for the occasional bits and pieces I manage to capture.

The weekend began again with dinner out on Thursday for Mike's birthday. He chose a favorite Mexican spot. It was festive with appropriate social distancing, and it was delicious. It felt like a special treat to be out two weeks in a row. The whole restaurant (all 10 people) sang Feliz Cumpleanos to Mike and the waitress brought him a shot of tequila. He approved.

Friday we were finally able to connect with my brother and sil. It's been some weeks so it was good to be together for happy hour (more tequila) and a big plate of nachos topped with the leftover tenderloin from the week. I'm pretty sure I want steak on any nacho I eat in my future. We caught up on life, took silly selfies, cried a little, hugged a lot.

We watched the Badgers win Saturday night in the Weslow's cozy family room. Sue made delish flank steak tacos and one of her amazing salads. She is the queen of salads. I brought a birthday cake for dessert to celebrate both Mike and Sue, our November babies. We were home and in bed by midnight, which is sort of unheard of when the four of us get together.

That was a good thing though because we had tickets for mass on Sunday morning. It's out first time back in a very long time and we all agreed that we've missed this almost weekly ritual. It was comforting to be in our pew singing and praying with other masked parishioners. I signed up again for this weekend. It will just be Lils and I as Mike will be up at the cabin for deer hunting. I felt out of sorts so the rest of the day was sort of lazy, and thus, perfect. I got sucked into a movie mid-afternoon. The Impossible had me in tears, but as sad as it was, it was also incredibly beautiful and inspiring. Mike watched the Packers play. Lils was busy with homework. I made two soups for the week: A Tortellini with Spinach and a Poblano Pepper with Chicken. I've been meaning to make both recipes and Sundays are always good days to chop and stir. Mike made dough for pizzas that night. We enjoyed our individual pies while we watched Undoing. It's been such a long time since I've watched anything real time. There's an urgency, an excitement with regard to gathering around the t.v. with the fam to see the latest episode. And then just like that it was time for bed and for another week. It's freaking me out a little that we're here in the middle of November, but I guess this happens every year.

Weekending

What a week it's been. A return to the best days of summer. Warm and breezy and sunny without a hint of humidity. The windows have been open day and night, Tigger's a fixture on the front porch and the neighborhood is abuzz with walkers and bikers. The weekend was just the right mix of getting out and staying put. It started Thursday with an early bday celebration for Mike on Thursday night. We went out with my aunt and uncle to a well-known steak joint near their house and we all ordered burgers much to Butch's chagrin. I overheard him in the kitchen: What is this McDonald's.!? I'm telling you that it was THE best burger I've had in maybe forever and I was beyond smitten to have half for brunch the next day. We had an after dinner drink at the bar and Butch joined us. I'd truly forgotten how many connections we've had. It was a perfect night of good times, food, and wine with family.

I worked on Friday morning and then cut out early to take Lils for her annual physical. We stopped at Whole Foods after to pick up lunch. We left with a bag of groceries $97 poorer. I remember when I'd get out of there for $50 a bag. Times have changed. It was a chillax and binge watch Yellowstone night for Mike and I. I've become hooked despite the lack of likable characters. I guess Rip is the redeemer.

Saturday we had dinner at my in laws for my mil's bday. What a gorgeous day it was for a celebration. We were also able to congratulate our niece who was recently married in a small ceremony on the water. She said her vows in the middle of a lake in a canoe surrounded by other canoes and kayaks. Her brother did the honors and even serenaded the newlyweds with a sea shanty on his ukulele. It sounds about right for weddings in the time of this pandemic. I cannot wait to see what their future holds and how they top this. This is one of my favorite things about these strange times: thinking outside the box.

 My parents stopped by Sunday afternoon for a visit and to take a spin in Lil's new Jeep. I sent them home with a fresh made loaf of my Mom's pumpkin bread, some of my new go-to whole wheat chocolate chip cookies that I've made numerous times in the past weeks, and a container of old school chicken noodle soup. My dad was feeling a little out of sorts and that's a winning trifecta for improving spirits. I was busy in the kitchen putting together a care package for Teddy who is working hard this semester with plenty to spare. I dropped off cookies for dessert to our favorite neighbors and was invited for happy hour on their beautiful patio. Mike and I stayed until after dark and then came home with a piano. (Or plans to inherit their piano this week.) We gave Lily the news at dinner. She's excited to start some lessons. I just may too. We watched this week's episode of Undoing before we were done.

It was good to be reminded this weekend that we are all in all of this together. I felt grateful for my peeps. I'm a lucky lady. It was a lesson in attention. Shining the light on the bright spots. Focusing on the good, on the present and not letting the monkeys get me down.

Grateful Friday

Sometimes my dreams scare me. Not just the truly frightening ones, but the dreams that are so insanely intricate, evocative or just smart. Last night I was playing a part in a movie. It was a damn good story too. I've also come up with great ideas for books while I sleep. Books I've yet to write. I've made some compelling points in difficult conversations that I wish I could be brave enough to share in waking hours. What scares me is that all these ideas, thoughts, opinions, desires....they exist somewhere in my brain. I am grateful for the brain.

About 4 a.m. this morning I was startled awake. Wide awake. I guessed the time before I verified it on my phone. After about a half an hour, I decided that I was well rested and should maybe get up and get a jump start on the day. I'm still stuck on or near 9 o'clock most days. I was cozy in bed with my guys so it was hard to motivate. I thought about all the things I could do with an extra few hours in my day should I just get up. All that thinking eventually tired me out and I drifted off again. That's when I had the major motion picture dream. Then I had a hard time getting out of bed at a reasonable hour because I wanted to see how the movie ended. I'm grateful for the ability to entertain myself.

I cannot believe it's Halloween tomorrow. We've I've had a lot of fun dressing up over the years. There was the time I showed up at a Halloween party that said come in costume only to be the only guest to do so. I was a full fledged witch...unrecognizable, except Mike wasn't in costume either so it was rather embarrassing. There was another time that I was a witch and I won a costume contest and literally turned my girlfriend alabaster when I came into her bar before closing. One year Mike went as Guy Fieri and I was an Iron Chef.  Come to think of it, we won for that too. I really loved the days of costuming my kids. Teddy was a bear (of course), Barney and Sully in his first three Halloweens. He won a school contest the year he dressed up as a nerd. It was a riot. Lils has been an angel, a lady bug, a butterfly, a rock star, a nerd, a witch to name just a few. This year there won't be any costumes. Trick or treat is cancelled. I'm not sad that my door bell won't be ringing all day, but I do feel for the kids that are missing out on yet another tradition of childhood. It seems to me that there are so many simple ideas to trick or treat safely. We'll do our own thing: carve a couple pumpkins, light all the candles and cue up something scary. I'm grateful we all like thrillers.

Ted's reported that he's got plans to go to a small party. Madison used to be the place to be on Halloween. Now State Street is all boarded up after rioting and looting. I'm glad he's having a little fun. He's earned it. He's been working hard and he landed the internship for a fortune 500 company this summer. Lils took herself to Michaels this week to get the supplies to make a blanket. She recognized the need for an outlet...for stress relief. Right now school is all the work and none of the fun. At some point, we have to weigh the cons of this, the impact on mental health, the long-term consequences. I'm grateful my kids are smart and self-motivated. Strong too.

Before long, the kids will be embarking on their second semesters. October will be a memory and we'll be in the whirlwind of the holiday season. This is my favorite stretch of months every year. The pandemic hasn't changed that, but it does make it ever more important to find and savor the joy moments. Moments like curling up in bed with Tigger for a night of reading. I finally finished The Dearly Beloved. It was not hallowed by me. The characters were flat as pancakes. That is the kiss of death in a character-driven novel. I blew through The Guest List in 24 hours partially because it was overdue and also because it was a quick whodunnit. Last night I picked up Gilead. I think it may be too soon after Wall's novel to fully appreciate. Moments in my kitchen. This week I made a Morning Glory Bread that was packed with apples, carrots and pineapple and then topped with nuts. I roasted squash and toasted the seeds. This feels like a good weekend to have something simmering low and slow on the stove top. I think it's time for a batch of my mom's pumpkin bread. Time outside in the fresh fall air doing yard work and taking trail walks. These are the moments that make life feel normal during this time of uncertainty, hostility, and confinement. I'm always grateful for the extraordinary ordinary.

 

 

Weekending

It's already Thursday, and I'm just now here to write about last weekend...on the cusp of another weekend. I'm not inclined to write much lately. I think that's because life has become very small in 2020. That's not a bad thing either, but there is a quiet redundancy that does not call for frequent testimony. Of course, Covid is a bad thing, but good things can come from adversity. I can also say that I feel protective of my opinions right now and that exercising my First Amendment rights seems like something that is inviting reproach. But I digress because what I came here to espouse upon was the wonderful weekend we had celebrating our 25th anniversary. Twenty-five years! We went 30 miles north and it was another world. Life has not changed much in small town America and I cannot lie: it felt like a breath of fresh air. For the most part, people were practicing social distancing and wearing masks, but they were not fear mongering. They were living their lives, taking care of business, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, and smiling behind their masks.

 We took our time getting on the road Friday much to Miss Bit's chagrin because it was another rainy, chilly day in a stubborn forecast of foul weather. Lil's was excited to have the house all to her very own self...something that is a rarity now that we're all homebodies. And yes, we can trust our sixteen year old to stay home for a weekend solo. We picked up groceries and lunch on the way to Windmill Beach. The plan for the night was to find a place to watch the first Badger game of the season. We settled on a little place in Belgium sight unseen and we lasted until half-time. We love local haunts, but this place was indeed haunted, think Twilight Zone, and despite the fact that it was a sports bar, they had two tiny televisions. We went next door to quaint Lake Church for the second half, and it was a good move on all fronts. We enjoyed our night out alone together.

 Saturday morning we were up early anticipating Pete and Sue's arrival. They've never been to WB or any of the little towns in the vicinity so we were excited to show them around. And we definitely made the rounds. It was a dry day and the sun even showed up for a bit so it was perfect for bumming around. We stopped at the Oostburg bakery for goodies for Sunday morning, visited the Sheboygan farmer's market and lamented all weekend that we didn't buy the pork bundle. We had a boozy lunch at Il Ritrovo. Pizza four ways...well, two as the boys had the same pie. I am a pizza Napolitano girl. Upon our waiter's, Mr. Personality's, rec, I ordered the Occhio di Bue and now I will want a soft egg on every pizza I order. He also hooked me up with an oaked Montepulciano that sort of blew my taste buds. We cleaned our plates and then headed north to Kohler for some shopping and late afternoon cocktails. I love gifty type stores because I can always find something unique. Something for me, something for Lil and something for Ted. She was happy with the fru fru facial kit and nostalgic candy I brought home. His goodies are in route to him via USPS so hopefully he gets them before Halloween. Our last stop before heading home was the Market at Wood Lake to pick up the fixings for dinner. It was a no brainer: steak, shitakes, shrimp, potatoes and asparagus washed down with a nice Stags Leap...easy and festive. We toasted long lasting marriages and friendships early into the morning.

 

I was up first on Sunday so I finally finished my book. We had a slow start, but eventually we bundled up and walked what we could of the beach both ways. The lake is high and the beach is non-existent to the north and the south after a few houses. We hiked up deserted Marine drive instead. The eagles were in their nest. The colors are past peak, but the trees are still showy. I made a late brunch when we got home: eggs benedict and fruit. The boys watched a little more football, played another game of crib and Sue and I enjoyed the view that never gets old for a little longer before packing up. It started to snow before we hit the road. That was a bit serendipitous. We arrived home at dinner time, and Lils was surprisingly happy to see us. Tigger waited for us in our bed the 48 hours we were away. And as always, it was wonderful to be away and even better coming home to Casa Wags.