Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Timing is everything. I had job interview last Friday that couldn't have come at a better time or have gone better. I connected with both the partners and I left there with an offer for exactly what I was looking for on all terms. We're sneaking up on the one year mark since I left my job. This feels like closure on what has been a difficult, illuminating year of introspection and action.

This sky last Friday morning. It was my mom's birthday. She would have celebrated 70. It's been a decade to the day since she took her last breath. When I saw this splendor from my driveway before the rest of the neighborhood roused, it felt like an affirmation that she is still shining.

Giving myself the day to do what I needed to do. A day to celebrate life...hers and mine. 

The support I get from my fristers. I miss my mom every day, but I'm lucky that I never feel alone because of my tribe. Together we pray and cry and laugh and drink beer and eat pizza and tell stories and make memories and always always have each other's backs.

A new stack of reads. I've not been inspired to read much lately, which just never feels right to me. I started The Wife because I want to see the movie. It's not exactly what I expected, and yet I've only got about 30 pages left. I will reserve my final review until I read the last word, but I think the wife will have it. I also started Levy's The Cost of Living. I had two powerful aha moments in the first two essays. This book definitely is compelling to me especially because of the timing.  

You see, I quit my job of 6 months on Monday because I could no longer ignore the red flags. It didn't unfold as planned, but shortly after I calmly confessed that it was time for me to move on, I realized that it was a perfect ending to this toxic situation. I took the high road, I took my name back, I took control.

Not looking back.

Now I only have 3 jobs. Things are in full swing with my freelance gig. My plan is to get it down to 2.

Scrabble with Sylvia. I'm getting better although I've yet to beat her.

Pumpkins and $5 mums and cool mornings and nights. I love fall.

Taking the long walk.

Taking a time out.

The first full moon of fall.

My Cautionary Tale

He was already impossible to avoid. Here I was walking down the sunny street feeling righteous and untouchable when I saw one of his paintings in a gallery window. It was front and center and so large it loomed over me. It was unmistakably his with the brusque strokes depicting a schooner racing along the waves both technique and subject identifiable. I realized for the first time that he rarely painted faces. People were a means to an ends, but without distinction: paying clients, willing commissions, admirers, worker bees, pawns. The boat's crew were mere apparitions. I had the desire to step in and purchase the canvas just so I didn't have to think of others admiring it in route to lunch or shopping, or maybe so I could destroy it.

I ducked in the jeweler down the block instead. The irony of choosing to stop there then only came to me after I was buzzed inside. His crew had recently completed a painting job at the business. The jeweler was disputing the charges because the invoice was high and the job incomplete. "They sell Rolex watches," he said with envy in his voice when I questioned the rate. What that meant was stick it to them, they're rich. I found his disdain for the wealthy interesting given that he lived rather high on the hog even if he couldn't afford to. I could still hear him proclaiming proud as a peacock, "I live large." That folks is what's known as entitlement.

I didn't look at the watches. I was there to pick out a medal for protection. St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers. I wasn't bound for distant seas, but I considered myself a vagabond. I was still wandering, adrift and unmoored. Only minutes earlier I'd quit my job. It wasn't exactly a rash decision, and yet, it hadn't played out the way I planned.

As I walked back to my car, I was sure that he'd drive by with his empty van. When I stopped in the office intent on returning the key and saying my piece, he was shuttling paintings from his studio to his home. He could no longer afford the extra space and so he was clearing it to the million dollar house the bank was pressuring him to sell. It was, but one of the things I learned that would confirm how over-leveraged his life was. This would be his to and fro route. For a brief moment, I imagined him spotting me and veering to the curb. What would I do if he pulled over to confront me? He told me with a smile on his face that he almost hit a woman once because she made him that mad. I imagined that this could be a second. I've never been hit by a man. I believe I made this one mad as a hornet because I saw through his peeling good guy picture.

I didn't see him. Instead I severed ties with his partner as he slacked in front of the computer trying to clean up some kind of mess. At the end of the day, I decided it was probably best. His partner wasn't keen on hiring me in the first place and so they went with someone else. A couple months later, I got the call offering me the job again. She didn't work out.  Now, I'm really not surprised. Then, I should have said no. I'd sworn off narcissistic men.

Narcissists are many a thing including charming when they want to be, when they need to be. To be sure it's a smart course when you're trying to woo an employee. I was, in fact, taken in by his infectious charisma and said yes with enthusiasm to his offer of underemployment with a good faith promise of a swift and sizable raise once things picked up. In six months, I agreed to three changes to my schedule despite the way these senseless shifts messed up my days. I was eager and loyal and all in. I never received the raise.

Well, that's not entirely true. I first initiated a discussion regarding my compensation a month ago, then again two weeks later, and lastly a week ago. I was reluctantly granted a meager increase, but only after enduring a rather mean-spirited scolding on all my deficiencies and inefficiencies. It felt unfair and also like, perhaps, I was being made the scapegoat for a failing partnership, disgruntled customers, looming debt, no buyers, too many buildings and boats and bills. Be my bitch was definitely not on the list of job requirements when I applied. Nor was read my mind. In fact, I had been doing what I was hired to do in spite of the poor communication and inconsistent policies and procedures. The way he's running the business, I'm not sure he could ever pay me what I'm worth.

Isn't it funny how when we look back we recognize all those bright flashing red flags?

I think that's what bothers me most about the past six months: I always pride myself on the strength and surety of my intuition. I let myself down.

The very first warning was the job offer and then swift retraction followed by the rehire and request to call me not by my name. He explained, "I'll have to call you something other than Kristin. That's my wife's name. Do you have any nicknames?" I should have said, idiot. It didn't take long before hearing him utter, "Kris" caused me to hold my breath lest I say what was on the tip of my tongue. I despise being called Kris. I told him he could call me Krissy, but he settled on Kris and Kris it was. I told myself I was overreacting, being sensitive, but now I see that it was a deliberate measure on his part to make me other, to make me less. In her manifesto on the politics of womanhood Levy asks, "If we don't have names, who are we?" Reading that today affirmed why this was so offensive to me. I was nothing to him.

Another red flag was the way clients were nothing to him. They were "dumb" and "cheap" and "demanding." The mounting number of unhappy customers and my realization that they had every right to question, complain, or dispute was startling. The realization that I would never hire him or recommend him. He talked gallantly of being in business for sometimes 30 and other times 50 years because he was the best. It's true if best translates to most expensive. By his own admission, his painters didn't paint well and they weren't upstanding or reliable. He could never see his own part or that he was the ultimate black kettle. He seemed not to care that he was cheating the customers by padding bills and taking short cuts. By lying and not keeping promises. They owed him. Just like the insurance company who paid him out for a workman's comp claim despite the fact he hasn't painted in decades by his own admission. That's called fraud.

I'm quite sure he sees himself as honest, generous and as an all around good guy. He said as much almost daily. He was his own loudest, proudest fan. I believed it at first. I wanted to believe it in perpetuity. It just wasn't possible as I got to know him better. His walk didn't match his talk, and then his talk was revealing in a startling way. The first time I remember calling his character into question he was sharing about the untimely death of his next door neighbor's daughter. His eyes kind of shined with what felt and looked like excitement as he told me she was shot in the head while vacationing in Mexico. I offered my sympathies while he almost gloated that it wasn't one of his girls. He often spoke of others tragedies with insensitivity. The richer they were, the more he jonesed on their misfortune. Then he revealed that the next door neighbor is his wife's best friend. He had so little regard for someone his wife held great regard for and that was a glimpse into his lack of empathy. I asked about the funeral a few days later and he told me that it didn't bother him because it was mostly in another language so he didn't have to listen to nonsense. He labeled himself a non-believer. "Religion offends me," he confessed.  It was obvious that he felt they deserved the tragedy and that he was above it. He was even above God.

Then there was the time he shared that his father in law was put in a nursing home over the weekend and that it was hard on the family, but not him. "I hope I can go out with $200,000 in the bank," he said. I think he saw the shock on my face at his insensitivity. He tried to change course and claim to have empathy for his wife, but he literally was unable to come up with the word. True story. Everything was always all about him.

The thing is everything we say and do reveals our character. And it's also true that what we don't say and don't do is also defining. I just want to remember this...the lessons I learned from taking this job. The lessons I learned from deciding to leave this job. Because if I know one thing it's that each and every person we meet is either a blessing or a lesson.

Edited a week later to add.

I walked by the gallery today in route to the jeweler again. His painting was no longer in the window. That felt like a sign to me. A positive sign. And no, I don't think it sold.

weekending

i've been a little quiet here lately.

that's because life has been moving at a frenetic pace.

i'm just trying to stay sane and keep up.

it's not always easy, but things are mostly good.

very good.

friday after a great job interview, i decided to surround myself with positive things.

it would have been my mom's 70th birthday.

i don't like doing the math.

it's been a decade now that she's missing from my life.

and yet as soon as i write that, i know that's not true.

i prayed to her on my way to the interview and i felt her with me throughout the day.

a day spent with candace and jess people who knew and very much love and miss her too.

candace has a mass said for my mom every year, and i joined her.

then we headed to the swinging door to toast mc gurk with miller lites midday.

our hearts were less heavy together remembering...honoring.

after a quick nap, jess and i headed north for a girl's night.

our first stop was il ritrovo for pizzas and wine.

there were just two spots for us at the bar.

it was perfect and delicious.

who knew that cauliflower and calabrian chilies would make such delicious toppings?

our destination for the evening was an evening with medium, mollie morningstar.

i both did and did not expect a reading.

i expected one because it was my mom's birthday.

i didn't expect one because i felt her all day and it felt greedy to get more.

the truth is i was hoping danny would come through.

i'm pretty sure my mom came, but i was resisting.

i was waiting to be 100 when you only have to be 50.

mollie talked of this woman dying young and then said like 40.

she talked about her beautiful hair, and her illness.

then she talked about an aunt (loie) and a boy in a cap and gown (teddy).

i waited to put my hand up until she said my name.

yes, she said kristin.

jess and i agreed that we won't do another group reading.

saturday we celebrated my dad's 71st.

the guys golfed and then we convened at their house for a delicious bbq spread.

as per usual, my dad cooked for us.

it was a beautiful day and a good time.

sunday the kids had plans so i convinced mike to apple pick with me.

i think he actually enjoyed it a little.

and we got a lot of tasty fruit.

i spent the evening with sylvia, which is always nice, but i missed sunday dinner with my family.

i have yet to beat her at scrabble, but i'm getting closer.

weekending

while the weekend didn't get off to a great start, it turned out to be a pretty good one.

mike and i went for a sweaty walk early saturday afternoon and then we headed to the lake for the rest of the day.

the kids had other plans and declined the offer to join us for an overnight jaunt.

this is life with two teenagers.

two responsible, accountable teenagers.
or else they'd be left no choice.

the mosquitoes were voracious, but the water was lovely in the most refreshing way.

we alternated between bathing in deet and then washing it off in the lake.

and then eventually we gave up and headed for the house just as the crescent moon was on the rise.

the mosquitoes followed us.

my brother was excited to serve us a new burger.

it's topped with carmelized onions and mertz cheese.

very delicious and rich.

after dinner we got into costume (hats) for a couple games of pig.

no money was exchanged.

after friends left with their 6 month old baby, we stayed around the table singing and scheming.

it was a fun impromptu gathering.

mike and i went for a morning swim sunday.

it didn't last long because the bugs were just as bad.

when we got home, the house was still standing and the cats and kids were fed.

ted and i had a date to have his senior pictures taken at the audubon center late afternoon.

the setting and the time of day ensured mosquitoes would be a problem,

but they didn't stop us from getting some amazing shots.

the photographer declared ted a natural and the light magical.

she assured us that it will be impossible to chose a favorite.

he was a good sport, wore what i asked him to and smiled when prompted.

sunday supper was hot italians and a smorgasbord of peppers from the yard and from farmers markets.

i put together a raw tomato sauce and served it over angel hair pasta as a side.

the simple combination of fresh tomatoes, garlic, lemon juice, sugar, salt and pepper was bright and delicious especially topped with fresh Parm and chopped basil from the yard.

the kids cleared the table and cleaned the dishes without prompting.

after coming together for a lovely dinner, the kids retired to the corners of the house to do homework or watch football.

mike and i stayed awake for a single episode of ozark.

i was in bed early and slept soundly after an extraordinary ordinary weekend...the best kind in my opinion.

filled with family time and simple fun.

(i managed to escape with only 6-7 bites too!)

It's All Good

 It was a whirlwind of a week and then I crashed. Literally. I backed out of the driveway in a hurry and straight into Mike's car damaging both of our vehicles. He was forgiving. I'm still disappointed in myself. Bathos is far worse than anger. I couldn't keep my eyes open for even two episodes of Ozark last night, and it's a captivating watch so I relented and tucked myself in for 10 hours of nearly dreamless sleep. I'd had enough. Another crash.

It was a good week on many fronts. A string of days that left me feeling strong and positive with a certitude I haven't felt in a very long while. And yet the part of me that I cannot convert from pessimism was already on alert. I felt it deep within that something had to be coming my way to knock me out of my pie in the sky state of mind. I was all I got this. I am woman hear me roar. I ignored that barely perceptible little voice that was warning me: take care, be on alert all the while knowing that the other shoe would drop. It always does.

In the grand scheme of things this is not a major deal. No one was hurt. The cars will be repaired. Yes, with money we hadn't planned to spend. On that. Or at all. The real damage is to my ego, which stands to be even more suspicious and scrutinizing when things are going my way. That half full glass will empty a few drops more.

I guess the good thing is that I slept like the dead last night and my first thoughts on waking this morning were not the wrecked door or bumper. Some day this will be a funny story. Well, more likely a cautionary tale. 

And that mishap does not mitigate all the good things that happened this week. Things like a writing gig long in the making finally coming to fruition. I am going to be paid to write. Paid well. This is my dream. Another prospect for editing. Mike is in line to get a new job too. The kids are both off to stellar starts for this school year. Lily let me read her first essay for honors English and I was quite impressed. Things like finally moving my profit sharing. I am completely done with the Nicholas Company. I feel relief. Relief that chapter is closed and that my retirement money will be actively managed by capable, committed professionals. Good things like impromptu mid-week guests for dinner. Mark and Jess joined us for a delicious meal Tuesday night. Another gathering Thursday. This time for book club. We sat around a table on Candace's patio on a beautiful night talking a little about the An American Marriage and mostly about other things. While I wish we'd focus more on the book, I cannot deny that the company is always delightful. Good things like 3 sweaty morning walks and a fruitful trip to the farmer's market to stock up. An early morning visit to the apple orchard for a supply of the early harvest of ginger golds and mollies. Lily and I went to pick, but were warned that the mosquitoes were fierce so we visited the barn instead. Good things like a big pot of chili, two loaves of fresh bread...one to keep and one to share, and a fabulous new recipe for zucchini gratin. Good things like early mornings in my quiet house with my boys and books. This week I reread Tayari's book and I enjoyed just as much the second go around.

Today we are Windmill Beach bound for a day in the sun. It strikes me that this is the perfect end to a mostly sublime string of days. I'm going to bask in that big ball of glory and then salute the moon as she rises. Tides turn. Everything ebbs and flows and in every life there is some flotsam and some jetsam. It comes down to what we make of it. What we take from it.

weekending

i stayed close to home this weekend and planned little.

nothing. nada. nil.

it was what i wanted and what i needed.

the kids were in and out with friends for football games, food, fun.

we stayed in and binged on ozark and chinese take out one night...

then ozark and grilled tenderloin sandwiches the next.

the thought of retiring with my guy and jason bateman at the end of the day kept me motivated throughout.

(we are both very much enamored with this clever, edgy netflix series.)

we got so much done around the house and yard.

it was one of those rare weekends where we gained momentum to keep ticking things off our list.

the boys followed the sun by day and then found the comfiest afghan come night.

we're at the time of year when the wide open house can feel chillier than the yard because without the sun, you feel the season to come in your bones.

when we walked late sunday afternoon, there was no doubt it was still summer.

in the first leg of the park, we spotted a bluebird.

seeing them always feels special.

we made sunday brunch: leftover steak with hash browns and and eggs for the family.

i put together a banana bread that ted asked me not to bake until this morning because maybe his favorite thing ever is a loaf hot out of the oven.

and i made another family favorite for this week: an enormous pot of chili.

the house smelled so warm and cozy.

then i stepped out for an impromptu pedicure before the weekend's end.

i tried to convince lily to join me, but she was writing a paper.

i tried hard, but she held fast.

lovely rose gave my feet some much needed love and attention.

i was almost late for my date with sylvia.

we talked about rosh hashanah and her nostalgia over not being able to attend her temple's new year celebration.

we had dinner together and then played scrabble.

the score was close this time.

i was the first one to bed sunday night.

the kids are off today for the jewish holiday.

another four day week sounds about right.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

They survived the first week of school. I survived the first week of school. I met all of Lily's teachers at back to school night and I am confident she's in caring, capable hands. Mike walked through Ted's schedule and feels the same. 

First year, last year.

Lil's first day outfit was on point. She's so much cooler than I was my freshman year, and yet I had the exact same pair of Vans. Scrunchies and ripped jeans were also the rage when I was that age.

Old is so often new again.

Peanut sort of doesn't know what to do with himself now that his person is gone for 9 hours a day. 

He watches the door...

stays close to me...

or by his brother's side when he can.

The rain has moved on as have the heat and humidity. They've left our world a little saturated, but also greener than is usually the case at the tail end of summer.

Bridge underwater.

The Badgers first game of the season ended in a victory.

In my neighbor's back yard where I can watch the game with a foot rest and a glass of wine and a clean bathroom nearby.

That when I tell Alexa to play Al Jarreau she always plays Bring Me Joy first because it brings me just that.

A kitchen dance party the night before school. 

Lily teaching her uncle to floss. Or trying to.

Dinner parties. I'm bringing them back. We entertain, but rarely set the table and light the candles and linger around the table.

I was mostly pleased with this menu.

Feeling inspiration to try new things.

This was the starter. I make eggplant parm in our regular repertoire, but this bruschetta version was a great way to start the meal because it was filing enough that it was the only ap I had to make and it held everyone over until dinner.

Tried this Smitten Kitchen pasta with fried zucchini because I'm having a love affair with them right now, but this is not my preferred preparation for sure.

The salad ready to serve. The guests said they liked it, but it wasn't my favorite. I think I can 100% say that I don't like capers. There was only a scant amount, and yet it was all I tasted.

Making old favorites too for our back to school dinner.

Detroit style pizza, which is thick and cheesy, and spicy, creamy jalapeno popper pizza. I got a new recipe for thin crust from Williams Sonoma. It was a keeper.

Mike usually makes the dough. He put himself through college managing a Pizza Hut so he's made a lot of dough. I took charge Sunday because he was washing and waxing my car. Since I've started making bread, I have a new reverence for the process of combining a few ordinary ingredients and waiting for them to turn into something so delicious. Mix, proof, kneed, roll: it's a little bit holy how it all works.

My husband went to pick something up at my in-laws and came home with a few cans of tomato sauce. Turns out that was exactly what I needed to make sauce for pizza night and unbeknownst to anyone, it saved me a trip to the store.

Fresh basil from the yard.

Karl Ove Knausgaard's Autumn is in route to me from the library.

The weekend ahead is free and clear. I'm in a come what may state of mind.

weekending

the labor day weekend seems so long ago.

i surmise that's because it's been an eventful week.

the kids are back to school...more on that later.

i am back to reality...more on that later too.

it really feels like fall here today.

it's a welcome relief from the oppressive heat and humidity that has been hanging out here.

friday night's first badger game of the season is further evidence of the season to come.

we watched the game with neighbors who are big time fans.

they rigged up a projector and a screen on their patio and i questioned aloud why they would ever go to a game again with this sweet set-up.

that was not a popular comment...see above.

saturday i woke early to another rainy, dreary day.

it inspired me to get busy in the kitchen, which was wise given that we had company coming for dinner.

lily shoppped and ted started his spanish and stats homework while mike and i chopped and cooked.

come to think of it the kids both spent their last weekend of summer vacation getting ready for school.

to lily that meant finding the perfect outfit for every day of the week.

for teddy that meant finishing the work that was assigned to him in june.

they both succeeded.

our farmer's market feast was a success as well.

i based the meal around the lovely produce i was unable to resist during my last couple visits.

things like plump eggplant, beautiful green zucchini, rosy radishes, juicy tomatoes, red haven peaches, and michigan blueberries.
(and just an aside to confess that it's impossible for me to list beautiful produce without using adjectives.)

mike treated us with his fall off the bone ribs.

more on the meal later.

what i want to focus on is the night.

why is the dinner party such a bygone?

it is so wonderful to cook for others, set the table and linger over good food, wine and conversation.

the kids both chose to join us.

and to be clear i gave them the choice.

after dinner, we had a little impromptu jam session that involved chair dancing.

ted was the dj and then he left to find his friends.

my friends don't have children, but they love mine.

the more people who are rooting for and supporting them the better i say.

sunday i was up early again and back at it in the kitchen.

we were headed to a bbq at my in-laws...a bbq we prompted.

i felt like i needed to make major contributions since we kind of invited ourselves over.

but...but they have the pool.

mike made what is now known as his patio salsa and it was a big hit.

i made my favorite greek panzanella and a pan of blueberry pie bars.

we grabbed a bottle of sangria and a six pack and were off sans kids.

teddy was still at his desk and lily was still at the mall.

we had a lovely afternoon and evening with the fam catching up, swimming in the rain and sharing good food.
swimming in the rain is underrated.

our niece is recently returned from a year in spain and it was good to see her and hear about her travels.

we were home early enough to watch a movie.

although chappaquiddick was so dull it put us to sleep.

that was okay because monday we planned to hit the ground running doing chores and prepping for the week ahead.

my guy washed my car in the rain (yes, another day of deluge) and even waxed it in the garage.

my brother and sil joined us for an early happy hour that lasted longer than any of us anticipated because it's been quite some time since we've seen them.

good thing i started the pizza dough and already had a pie ready because dinner was still much later than i was planning for this important night before.

our family of four gathered around the table for sunday dinner after dark.

we prayed for the year ahead and we toasted to the summer behind.

and then i was physically and emotionally exhausted so i went to bed after setting two alarms for monday's early morning.

No Apologies

Today feels like a Monday not like a holiday. I think the fact that I feel more like quietly reflecting than celebrating has much to do with the soupy day and my still sleeping house, but also because today marks the end of a summer I'm not ready to let go. It wasn't the most exciting 3 months we've ever shared, but that's the thing about summer: it's glorious by nature. Fine weather, freedom, fun; long days, late nights, longer weekends...well, they combine to reveal their own special blend of magic.

I'm battling my mother's intuition. A part of me thinks I should wake my kids up so they're good and tired tonight, but another part says, let them savor their sleep for one last day. They're still in bed. I've never been the mom to start enforcing bed times weeks before school starts. We usually eke out every last minute, go out with a bang and start the school year all baptism by fire. It's equal parts denial and disregard.

A small part of me is grateful for the stormy scene outside. My brother invited us for a beach day last night, and I said no even though I so strongly wanted to say yes. No thank you, we have so many things to do, I offered. I spared him the list. The truth is that the pull to spend one more day at the lake with my family is so strong that I fear if not for rain and thunder and lightning, I'd relent and we'd go. Damn homework and laundry and the fixings for lunches. Damn school supplies, the first day outfit, bright eyes and bushy tails. I successfully put these things off all weekend long.

Today we'll dig in and dig deep. Get what needs to be done and then we'll make homemade pizzas. It's a family favorite...a tradition we share. Teddy, who didn't cook anything but scrambled eggs all summer, is amped up to make the dough. We'll gather for dinner a little earlier than has been customary this summertime. We'll pray our thanks, toast to a new year and talk about what has been and what is to come. We'll go to bed a tad earlier, set alarms, hopefully sleep, and then we'll take it day by day. It's really the only way I know how to live life. And I'm good with that.