Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

A fun week of vacation even though we didn't travel this year. Lily and I spent a lot of quality time together and tried to plan something fun for each day. We hiked at the lake front, shopped, got manicures, went to the movies and out for lunch and frozen yogurt. I really enjoyed our time together.

It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing as long as we're together.

Teddy was at the range or on a course despite the chilly temps. He's gearing up for his golf season, which starts next week. I'm sure he'd have preferred to be somewhere warm, but my kids don't complain.

They usually know how blessed they are and feel gratitude for their gifts.

Mike made crepes for dinner one night. Teddy was so happy. He polished off 6.

I finished Bright as Heaven and I liked it much more than I expected to. The characters were well-written and the story compelling.

weekending

this weekend was...

cocktails with a friend and birthday burgers and cookies with custard for my brother.

it was making sticky slime, delicious homemade pizza, and teenager approved emoji and cacti easter eggs.

it was a trip to the men's formal wear shop and a pit stop at the library.

it was palm sunday mass with a full church, our favorite father and a tear jerking recessional hymn.

it was coming home to watch the passion after hearing the passion.

it was still winter with a hint of spring.

it was curling up with a book, sitting down with a bowl of chicken noodle soup leftover from the best batch ever last week and also feeling the warmth of the sun and the promise of what is to come soon.

On My Mind Monday

Home is where you land; home is where you launch. You can't pick your home any more than you can your family. In poker, you get five cards. Three of them you can swap out, but two are yours to keep: family and native land.

~ Tayari Jones

An American Marriage

I Need Drugs

Finding myself here is yet another act of procrastination. I employ many these days. The most popular include reading, walking and cooking. They are all good things that I enjoy, but I am enjoying them when I should be doing other things. And while writing about what I'm not doing is a way of working through the tough stuff, it's still putting it off. I'm not even fooling myself. I need to get through it. I know this. This I know.

I've been so holed up in my head that it's starting to take a toll. I feel high levels of stress and anger, low levels of energy and enthusiasm, and plummeting levels of hope and happiness. The number one culprit is my lack of a job, but they just keep piling on and on and on. I'm not really talking to anyone. I'm holding it all in. I know that's not healthy or helpful, but it's where I'm at. Batten down the hatches baby.

The sickness of it really struck me last night when I was bone tired and just wanted to go to bed. Instead I stayed up and read because I dread waking in the middle of the night with a million worries on my mind and the sound of my nag heart beat beating away. I also cannot bear the calendar turning to another day of what is starting to feel like stagnation. I feel stuck. There I said it. Stuck and sinking in a pool of quick sand. I have all this time, but I'm afraid to live my life amidst all this uncertainty. I'm living a very little life right now.

I don't feel like I'm being a good mother or wife or friend and its breaking my heart because the people I love are my greatest riches. They're all I really need.

The thing is I'm wired as a pessimist. I'm prone to go to the worst places. This isn't new, and yet, this is different. I think that's owing to this middle place I'm in: halfway through my life if I'm lucky, between jobs if I'm lucky, preparing to send my son off into the world and my daughter to high school. Too many ifs...so many hows.

I'm paralyzed by fear and sadness. Some days I don't want to leave my house, and I get anxiety just thinking about it. It's true. Mid-month I feel on the verge of tears for days. This is starting to seem hormonal, which would make sense given the middle place.

I'm pretty sure I need a script, but that would require going to the doctor, which is very bad for my anxiety and my blood pressure. Years ago, I asked my doctor for something for anxiety and she suggested therapy. I'm not against it, but I don't understand how practically everyone I know is on Klonopin or Ativan and all she can give me is talk therapy.

I still haven't heard boo from by father. My step-mother confirmed that he is playing the victim even though he was the aggressor. He is spouting off about how no one cares about him and seems to forget that I was last to reach out. I have been on my knees about this one and yet I'm still stuck here too. I love him so I don't want him to feel unloved. He hurt me and so I want to know that he knows he was wrong and has remorse. I think he needs some drugs too, and that's not meant to be funny.

And then there's the whole extended family drama. Sabrina got to TJ as I knew she would. When he said that he and Kate were planning to come solo for Easter, I about choked and croaked. I knew when she found out she would put the kibosh on it and STAT. Yesterday I got word from him that tickets are too expensive. Today I got word from Judy that he and Kate are going out to visit Sabrina. I'm sure she paid for the fare when she found out he was coming to Wisconsin. Bribery. It's no coincidence that Sabrina texted Judy yesterday to tell her this. She knows it'll get back to me. If there's no relationship with her, she'll make sure that TJ is collateral damage. She will hold their her inheritance over him for the rest of time doling it out to control him and keep him in her crazy life. At first I was pissed, but now I'm relieved. I wasn't really feeling house guests right now and her ongoing twisted manipulations only remind me of why I don't want a relationship with her any more. 

I just want to know how and when this family became so fucked up.

These are the things I'm escaping from.

Can you blame me?

On My Mind Monday

"Being on a journey is almost always more satisfying than reaching the goal."

Silence in the Age of Noise
~Erling Kagge

weekending

it's been a rough day.

the sun is shining, spring is in the air and yet i cannot shake this dark, irritable feeling that there's a cloud overhead.

not even mass this morning could properly lift my spirits.

my family steered clear of me and i understood.

the kids were busy all weekend long.

friday lily went shopping and to dinner with a friend, saturday afternoon she went ice skating with another, saturday night she went to a school event at the health club and she had soft ball clinics all this afternoon.
she should sleep well tonight.

i feel like she's in a real good place.

she's got a group of friends who are nice girls...nice to one another.

that's so often not the case, but she's worked hard for it and i'm proud of her.

ted spent time both days at the range, and then with friends watching basketball.

ted still hangs out with his bf from kindergarten and just about everyone he's met since.
guys are so much less complicated.

yesterday we hosted my brother and sil for a st. paddy's day feast.

mike's corned beef was delicious...the star as it should be.

my braised cabbage was good, the irish cheddar mashed taters were very good, and the brown butter and garlic soda bread was my new fave version especially topped with kerrygold butter.

dessert was guinness brownies with irish cream buttercream and divine.

we all discovered that we are not turnip fans, but parsnips in moderation are passable.

mike started a spring project and i did some deep spring cleaning.

that felt good.

after some work and a nap this afternoon, i started to feel a wee bit better.

mike grilled chicken and i chopped all the toppings for burrito bowls.

it's a new casa wags favorite and will enter the rotation.

i'm going to sign off here and head up to bed to finish my book and get a good night's sleep so that hopefully, i'll kick off the week feeling refreshed and bright.

good night.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Six days of exercise this week. It is crucial for mind, body and spirit.

One day I was caught in a snow squall that popped up mid-walk.

Two days later there were signs and smells of spring.

An invitation for lunch with my sister in law yesterday. We had much to catch up on. I'm definitely taking Lily back to this cafe because the sweet potato quesadilla was delicious and so in her wheelhouse.

Heart to hearts with my step-mother and my guy this week.

Peanut and I finished one book early in the week. The Couple Next Door was a 24 hour endeavor. It was a quick even if not all that compelling read. Lots of problems with characters...I didn't like a single one of them. Not to mention the ending was cheap.

I stopped at the library to restock. Never your pretty little mind that I still have a stacks here and there around the house.

I blew through this little beaut of micro memoirs all the while thinking I could have...I should have written this.

A new day a new book. I started this yesterday. It's our April book club selection. I'm enjoying it more than expected. I've found myself laughing out loud numerous times and I'm really rooting for this couple.

These guys. They soak up the sun, and then when they are literally baking they seek the shade.

My sous chef.

There was much cooking in #krissywskitchen this week. The most ambitious meal was my version of Chinese takeout, which will now make it unlikely we'll order from Royal Garden any time soon. I've got all kinds of ideas on egg rolls. How to improve this traditional version and the 101 other possibilities.

This Beef and Broccoli can also use a wee bit of work, but it was scrumptious.

The most delicious dish was this humble pot pie for dinner on 3.14 - Pi Day. This was my best yet and so very simple: store bought crust and rotisserie chicken. I will double the veggies next time and add some peas, which I omitted because the kids refuse them. I am a new fan of a top and a bottom crust.

I surprised on this shy guy the other day.

We saw our first chipmunk this week. That's a sure sign of spring and also that we can expect some snow in the next week. Mother Nature takes pleasure in reminding us just who's boss.

Daffodil's $1.49 a bunch. I bought three. It's unbelievable how happy they make me.

Fresh herbs.

Everyday Life

These days of late winter I'm lovingly dubbing the cat days of winter. I've never spent this much time with my guys. This time could be called the book days or the baking days just as well. Yesterday I read a book. The day before I baked bread.  It was more than turning out a loaf with my rotten fruit though. I took on, tweaked and perfected my banana bread. My regular recipe's been bothering me. Then Lily came home from a friend's recently declaring her mother's banana bread the best and it became a mission to regain my title. I used to make the best. I've determined it's not just about what goes into the bread, but definitely add a little lemon juice. It's also about not over-mixing it and baking it in a greased metal pan low and slow. It 's not lost on me that finding the perfect recipe: combining just the right ingredients and technique is a fitting metaphor for life.

I'm going to admit that these days of nurturing comfort have been a gift. I'm not bored. I don't have cabin fever or ants in my pants. I would happily live this way indefinitely if it weren't in the best interest of my family to resume bringing in some bacon not just cooking it. If I win the lottery, I'll shamelessly put my job search on hold and be perfectly happy reading, writing, cooking, walking and just taking care of my house and my family indefinitely or forever.

On My Mind Monday

"Luxury can only provide short-lived pleasure."

Silence in the Age of Noise

~Erling Kagge

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Time. I've been sick this week. Like stay in my pjs and under an afghan all day kind of sick. Aches, chills, ridiculous sneezing fits, a horrendous cough and a box of Kleenex a day runny nose. I was able to not do. I was able to practice self-care. I'm still not feeling great, but things are slowly getting better.

I'm beyond grateful that Lily was in good health for her trip to DC. I don't think it would have been much fun if she felt at all the way that I do and she started to.

She's having a blast in the capitol with her classmates. This is a whirlwind 3 day/3 night tour that has them going from 7 a.m. until 10 p.m. She's been sending me pictures and messages, but I'm anxious to hear all about it when she gets home tonight. Or more likely tomorrow. I expect her to be exhausted tonight. She was most excited to lay the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknowns. She was one of four selected to have the honor. She wrote a compelling essay about why she wanted to have the opportunity. 

Crunchy peanut butter on wheat toast with honey. It was the only thing I wanted to eat.

My appetite and ambition are returning. I just made the menu for next week at Casa Wags. A few family favorites like tacos and spaghetti and a new beef and broccoli stir fry that I think everyone will approve of are the plan. Corned beef too because St. Pat's is on Saturday.

Shamrocks.

I accepted a job. I'm conflicted because I know it won't be long-term unless something really changes, but I'm thinking it may be perfect to get me through the summer after which I can work on finding something full-time and permanent. It will allow me to have flexibility for my kids this summer and that's important. 

An impromptu gathering at my in-laws last Saturday. They've been in Florida for a stretch so it was good to welcome them home and catch up.

Late Winter Inventory

It's been awhile since I've put together an inventory. I especially like to capture what I've read and any new recipes I've tried here. It's a great way to keep a running record.

Reading: I've been reading prolifically. I blame that a bit on the season as in the weather and the season as in my life: winter and unemployment. I started Idaho yesterday and am about halfway through it. It's growing on me.

I'm also about halfway through Katrina Kenison's lastest memoir. Magical Journey was published in 2013. I've been saving it and now I'm savoring it.

I'm also reading Silence in the Age of Noise and relating to this manifesto profoundly. I'm almost through it despite the fact that I've taken my time with it so the thoughts and feelings permeate...set in.

I'm listening to The Woman in the Window while I walk. It's a light Hitchcockian thriller that I've really enjoyed until today. I'm about halfway through and I found myself annoyed by the lack of plot and the redundancy, but then I guess the Master of Suspense is known for revealing as little as possible. I just hope I haven't figured it out.

The Immortalists stands out as the best fiction I've read this year. Yes, all two months of it. Less thought provoking, but somewhat entertaining choices are The Arrangement and The Wife Between Us. They qualify as decent beach reads. My Absolute Darling was disturbing, and yet I'd recommend it to those who can stomach difficult material because Turtle is a character you will never forget. A Man Called Ove was disappointing and rather dull although I appreciated the ending.

The star of the memoir category was Kelly Corrigan's Tell Me More. I wanted more. And I want to be her or at least her friend. I give varying amounts of  praise to The Girl with Seven Names, Nourished, and The Only Girl in the World each for vastly different reasons. Hyeonseo Lee's story of defection from North Korea was timely, but not as compelling as I was expecting and there were many holes. I couldn't shake the feeling that she was reckless rather than courageous.  Lia Huber's food and faith memoir was a bit whiny, but it inspired me to cook. I tried a few of the recipes and there were others I wanted to try, but didn't get to. Maude Julien's story was dark, but redemptive. I think all three of these had issues with voice.

The winner in the poetry category is hands down Devotions. Mary Oliver everyday always forever. Rapi Kuar's the sun and her flowers and milk and honey round out the category. I preferred the former.

Mother Land was sent back to the mother ship (Amazon's Audible) because after months of trying to get into it, I simply had to get rid of it. The characters were insufferable and the story slow. I was surprised that they took it back after months of it sitting on my cue.

Eating: #krissywskitchen has been busy. Attributable again to the time of year and the current circumstances of life. Comfort food has been the focus and cast iron cooking a recurring theme for all meals including desserts. Last month we discovered the Skillet Cookie and our lives will never be the same. It's a one bowl, one pan hot out of the oven treat that I'm still tweaking to get just right. I made the kids' favorite French Silk Pie for Valentine's Day. It's an annual tradition because #foodislove. I tried a recipe for a French Chocolate Cake that became my sister-in-law's birthday treat. I followed Deb's recipe to a tee and I loved the intensely chocolate flavor and the crumbly texture. The icing on the cake hit was the chocolate whipped cream, which was light and perfect with fresh raspberries. Just last week I decided to make Focaccia. I doubled this recipe for my 12 inch skillet and omitted the rosemary and it was perfect: crunchy on the bottom, soft inside and a little crusty on top. Half the round was gone before dinner as my family kept coming in and stealing slices. New in our pasta rotation is this Orecchiette with Bacon and Lemon Cream recipe. It's easy and surprisingly light. I add peas and a little fresh Parmesan. And I need to tell you that this method for rendering bacon is the only way I will do it from here on out.

Watching: Well, I'm not proud to admit this, but I got sucked into The Bachelor this season. It was so weird. He was weird and I didn't understand his relationships. Plus, I was so tired of him saying, "I love that," and then going in for the awkward kiss. I think he picked Lauren who appeared to have the personality of a wet noodle because she so closely resembles Emily. She broke his heart the last time he was on the show. His break-up with Becca was cringe-worthy, but I guess they signed up for this. She seemed to get over him in a nano second leading me to believe she's really in it to find fame...not love. I'm still loving This is Us, How to Get Away With Murder and Survivor. I'm thinking about starting The Crown because everyone is raving about it, and I'm tempted to order Showtime so we can catch this latest season of Homeland. I casually watched the Academy Awards last week and I was perplexed. I didn't see The Shape of Water, and I didn't care for Three Billboards. I wanted to see Call Me by Your Name, and I loved Ladybird. Get Out was fine, but Oscar worthy? Not imo. I'm sure I'll see Darkest Hour, Phantom Thread and The Post at some point. I guess I was just not feeling it this year.

Lily and I saw and loved Waitress in January. It was a delicious show.

Listening to: When I'm home during the day, I like the house silent. No music, no television. I tune into the meditative rhythm of the clocks counting away the seconds and in the past week, I feel lifted up by vibrant birdsong that's filling the yard. When I'm fragile, I steer clear of the songs.

Feeling: Fragile. It's been a tough couple months for various reasons. I have unresolved feelings about many things. I'm hurt and sad that I haven't heard from my dad since December. I reached out in January via a note that I thought was a kind and thoughtful gesture. Nothing. It's what I got in return. I suppose that the valuable lesson in this - what I need to take away - is that I will never put my children in this position because I know how it feels. I'll never turn my back on them or abandon them. I think what hurts the most is that I confessed to him that I really need my dad right now and he's still choosing to be absent. I don't understand it because for as long as I live, I know when my kids say they need me, I'll be there with bells on no matter what. The situation with my cousin is still not 100% resolved. I responded to her email after the holidays in what I thought was a thoughtful manner. Carefully because I don't trust her, but also without anger or accusation. She fired back angry. Angry because I'm not letting her manipulate me and cross boundaries anymore. I shut down and didn't respond. There's no point because I realize that I do not want a relationship with her right now and maybe never. That has been weighing on me because she is family and she is contacting other family members trying to stab me and sway them. There's a whole lot I want to say, but I won't.

Wanting: Peace in my family. A job that I love working with good people I respect. Creative energy. Confidence. Clarity. A crystal ball would be nice.

Thinking: About the kind of legacy I want to leave here on earth, and trying hard to convince myself it's not too late to think big.

Loving: The way Peanut snuggles up with me after the morning rush. I enjoy my coffee and my book and he enjoys being close. The funny noises Tigger makes when he's surprised in his sleep. The way Teddy walks around speaking Spanish all the time or singing loudly. Lily's texts. She's in D.C. on her class trip and she's giving me the play by play. She's having an absolute blast. The way my husband has given me the perfect combination of support and space lately as I'm working hard to figure things out. My family.

On My Mind Monday

Nobody picks their life...you make choices, and then they make choices. Your choices make choices.

~ Chloe Benjamin

The Immortalists

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Meeting my friend for breakfast last week and staying until lunch. We could've talked straight through dinner.

I suggested a place in between, but she wanted to come down to my side of town our old stomping grounds.

Authenticity, honesty, kindness and connection.

The safety of being in the company of people who know you and get you and love you.

Changing things up. I've been working in the kitchen where I have lots of space to spread out. This guy is my constant companion.

We don't normally have blankets at the kitchen table.

The music from The Adam's Family, but especially One Normal Night and Full Disclosure. Also Pulled sung by our Wednesday Cate whose voice and stage presence never cease to amaze us. 

A ladies lunch to celebrate the February girls. La Reve is always a treat.

The desserts were delicious...especially the one in the middle.

Bringing home one for Ted who texted me during lunch to tell me he destroyed the ACT that day.

He's a raspberry guy.

Sending the birthday girls home with fresh flowers.

Looks like spring.

Waiting for your turn with only a hint of stink eye. My boys love to be brushed.

Mike is their preferred groomer.

They also love to watch the squirrels.

 Eating apples.

A stack of new reads waiting for me at the library.

I started with The Immortalists and blew through it in a couple days. I was a big fan of the sibling story that dealt with themes of mortality and destiny. It was well-written and thought provoking. 

I didn't want it to end, but also couldn't wait to see how it would turn out.

8th grade portraits.

This captures her beautifully.

This moon.

Full.