Dear Teddy,

I'm the mother to an 18 year old for a couple days now and not much has changed. You see no matter your age, you'll always be my baby. You made me a mom on December 27th, 2000 after 8 hours of labor, and it's been a labor of love ever since. It's the most rewarding, most cherished job I've ever had and to see you grow into such a fine young man with a bright future in your purview makes my heart happy. It's all we want for our children...to find their way with smiles on their faces, love in their hearts and peace in their souls. 

It's all about roots and wings...providing you with a solid foundation and then helping you dream big. You know that as you go out in the world to live your passions, you always have a safe and loving home to return to. It's why we spend so much time trying to teach you brick by brick the important stuff. Practical things like write thank yous when you receive a gift because the expression of gratitude is never overrated. Little things like speak when spoken to, and engage, ask questions, then listen. The art of communication is priceless. Since you were just a little shaver, I'd get compliments about your personable and polished conversational skills. All your friends parents and older siblings loved you. They still do because you are outgoing and funny and friendly. Make your bed, brush your teeth and wear your retainer. Those straight teeth of yours cost us almost 10k! Eat your daily 5. Your body is a temple and you must treat it as such. The truth is that you eat better than I do these days and you are strong and fit. You work out nearly every day.

There are also the less tangible, but even more important things that your dad and I've tried to instill in you. Things like humility, compassion, faith and kindness. You know that you are the center of our world together with your sister, but not THE world. You also know that your world is blessed and that we must care for those who do not share our bounty. You know that you are entitled to be proud of your strengths in school and sports, but that there is no need to boast or let your ego get big. You have seen conflict and you've learned lessons of forgiveness. You've experienced loss and witnessed grief. In this house...in this family...we feel our feelings. Good and bad.

As much as we've taught you, you've been teaching us all along too. Being a mother has opened my heart in ways I never thought possible. It's true when you have children, you understand what it means to live with your heart outside your body. When you hurt, I hurt. I've had to learn that I cannot fix your slights or take away your pain. I can only be here for you as you weather your storms. 

I've also learned that I have to say no sometimes. You probably think that I enjoy it, but I never want to say no to you dangerous situations aside. I want to spoil you rotten, but that doesn't do you any good. There are times I must nag, prod and probe as much as it annoys you. It's my job to ask questions, to tell you to drive safely, to remind you to do your chores. I'm your mom not your friend. I have to let you make your own decisions even when I don't necessarily agree with them. You are going to forgo your spot as captain of the golf team this year for one last season of baseball. I'll be in the stands cheering. I trust you because I know what kind of person you are.

I insist on a hug before you leave for school every morning and I try to tell you that I love you before bed every night. You may not need these things right now, but I need to you to know that I do.

I love you to the moon and back forever and ever.

Mom

Merry Christmas!

Before the rush of the day calls, It's important that I spend a moment here. I've thought about writing numerous times, but other things are taking precedence. Things like an impromptu dinner out with friends after a haircut, a spontaneous happy hour with another friend, a lovely last minute dinner with old friends, drinks beside my brother's fire on the Eve Eve. Yes, last minute.There have also been wrapping sessions and shopping sprees and batch after batch. Cookies ready to put in a pretty tin and bottles of homemade Irish Cream come in extra handy when someone drops in or you accept an invitation. Spreading the love and cheer is one of my favorite things this time of year. My Jewish co-workers were giddy over the tray I brought into the office and sweet Sylvia's eyes lit up when she realized the plate of cookies I brought her were all homemade. She sampled one of each before I left. That is joy.

We made it to mass every Sunday this advent and yet I am already feeling a little sad that we will not be able to make Christmas Eve mass this year. It's what makes Christmas Christmas for me. Yesterday the kids took a pass on church. I decided to let the family sleep in and attend late mass so they had plans. I wasn't pleased, but they are beyond the ages where I feel I must drag them to pray. It is their choice. Mike and I sat in our pew, which was extra roomy. Father talked about the extraordinary ordinary and for me that resonated loudly. It was a humble sermon about recognizing our gifts. Violinists accompanied the organ and it was beautifully reverent. We hummed Silent Night at the end of mass and then Mike and I waited in line to light candles. It was a good start to the day.

We made a pit stop at Glorioso's like everyone else in the city. We'd never seen it so crowded. We picked up the fixings for Detroit Style Pizza at Teddy's request. Then we stopped at another store to get kielbasa for Lily. It's a family tradition to serve it with cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. Lily and I ran out to finish up her shopping. Teddy shopped on his own this year. Well, in full disclosure he did text me a bazillion times while he was out yesterday trying to find something for his uncle. He will resume his search when he wakes soon...I'm hoping.

He turns 18 in 3 days. And he just got word that he was accepted at Madison! Admissions were brutal this year...extra competitive and 95 kids from his class applied. He texted us when he found out and then wrote...Thank you guys! It was all with your help and love. That unsolicited acknowledgement was the only gift I need this year. Well, that and an acceptance. He's not 100 percent that he wants to go there.

We pulled off a surprise birthday celebration for him with his 12 closest friends last weekend. They enjoyed wings and football. I was impressed that a dozen 17 and 18 year old boys kept a secret because T Bone was genuinely surprised when I delivered him to the restaurant. He thought we were going in for a gift card for his cousin. Everyone should have at least one surprise party in their lifetime.

I'm going to sign off now. I've got one more batch to bake and a few dishes to make. There are a couple more gifts to wrap and one yet to be delivered, but I feel mostly calm and happy. Grateful too for the gifts of my family and friends. Merry Christmas!

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

So much since I've last checked in here. It's been a fine stretch of days and full too. I'm especially grateful for the day off today. With Christmas just over a week away, I'm feeling the pull to finish preparations. I want to tackle the rest of the shopping so I can enjoy the Irish cream I'm going to make this weekend treeside at night feeling peace not pressure.

Mike is off too. It is our tradition to take a day in December to go in search of gifts. We'll stop for some lunch late afternoon and likely toast our good fortune - fortune in finding the right gifts and in being in a position to do so. It's something I never take for granted. Ever.

Scenes from this morning.

After he polished off three cinnamon buns and was waiting for his sister to come down, he studies a few more minutes for his stats test today.

  

She forgoes breakfast these days and spends the extra time finding the right outfit. Note her shoes here.

In the minute between photos, she changed them. I insisted on a photo this morning because I feel like  we are in the end of days here. These days that is. This time next year, Teddy will be coming home from college after his fist semester.

Lily won't be moving into Teddy's room when he leaves despite the fact it's much bigger than her's. We just did the second redo of her lair in as many years. She wanted and needed a bigger bed, which of course requires new bedding, and she was going for a little more grown up vibe. It's not quite done, but I think it looks great thus far. She's happy too. The best part was that she and her dad spent last Sunday together building her bed. With Peanut's supervision, of course.

The cats have been having a blast with the box her mattress came in. It's open on either end so it's a tunnel. They chase each other through it and they perch on the mattress ready to surprise attack. The mattresses are getting picked up Monday, but I fear this box will be in our foyer for a long time.

Then they crash. 

This is the view from my lap this morning. 

And the view of the patio.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here.

The kids and the cats helped trim our family tree without begging or bribery.

  

  

The first batch of Christmas displayed on my new Vietri platter. There have been numerous batches since and a few still to go.

Detroit-style pizza. It's a family favorite. So favorite that Teddy declared that we need to have it in the regular rotation. The secrets are homemade sauce, a combo of brick and mozzarella cheese and spicy Italian sausage. Oh, and the pan.

Comfort food.

Mike recently made brisket when we had my brother and sister-in-law for Sunday night dinner. It was such a treat.

Sausages smothered in peppers and onions is another family favorite with some crusty bread or pasta, it's a stick to your ribs meal.

Jess came for dinner last night. I made us cubano paninis and sent her home with a plate of cookies.

Father Tim's sermon last Sunday. The church was so full we had to sit in the very first pew. I sort of love that spot.

Home sweet home.

Oh, Mary

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Wild Geese
~Mary Oliver

I walked out this morning just in time to capture these geese flying in skein. I heard them before I saw them - their nasally honks announcing the approach. It's a bitter cold morning, but my heart is warmed by the familiarity and constancy of the world around me. Life is good and hard and beautiful and unfair. It is both too long and not long enough. December fills my heart with abounding joy and heavy sadness. I know and accept this. I know it because I live it and I accept it because there is no other way. The world goes on, my body grows soft and yet my mind still dreams. Dreams big. Isn't it amazing?

Grateful Friday on Saturday

Today I give thanks for...

Where to start? It was a good week. Nothing out of the ordinary, but then I am a believer in the extraordinary ordinary. The simple little things that make every day beautiful and magical. They're always there if we notice and honor them. That's the whole idea behind my Grateful Friday posts: to pay attention and say thank you for the good things that are mine. Life is never perfect, but long ago I decided not to let perfect ruin good. I learned it is a choice.

Gray days. I love them as much as other people loathe them. It's my nostalgic, wistful nature. Not to mention there is always color to be found in our world and I'm not talking about donning rose colored glasses either. It's going to rain all day. It would be better if the forecast predicted snow because we are planning on decorating our family tree later.

Christmas carols. I finally feel compelled to listen to them. Right on cue...it's December first. Vince Guaraldi is on right now. He reminds me of college.

Believe it or not this is a Christmas decoration. Isn't it cool?!! It's a Christmas cactus that Jess brought me when she came for dinner recently.

I've started decorating. I always put up my dining room tree first. It's the one I decorate with all my Mom's ornaments so it's extra special to me. I love basking in the white, twinkly lights.

My book buddies.

I finished Bitter Orange last week. It held my interest, but I didn't love it. I jotted down a single passage:

She's a damn good storyteller and all she needs is an audience. If she tells the story well, you'll think she's someone different than the person in her head. who wouldn't want to rewrite their past, if it means it will change their future?

Now I'm halfway through How to Behave in a Crowd. I love Bordas's style and the characters she writes. I was immediately smitten with Isadore.

Chinese delivery from a new to us restaurant. The food was delicious. We chuckled last Saturday when we realized we unintentionally ordered Chinese while we were watching Crazy Rich Asians. The movie was disappointing. Meh.

Sunday dinner was carnitas, which cooked all day in the crock pot and were fabulous. I like mine topped with creamy cole slaw.

Mike and I started watching Making a Murderer this week. I had a very strong opinion going into this documentary and I'm a little surprised at how it has wavered, but I also know that this is very one-sided. Two things I am certain about are that the law enforcement involved were corrupt clowns and Brendan Dassey did not get a fair trial.

Mike's car is good as new and the repairs were less than I anticipated.

Neighbors who repair your broken window for free when a baseball goes through it. I'm amazed that in all the years we've lived here and all the balls that have been thrown in this yard, we've only lost two windows.

My favorite spot is also their favorite spot.

An apple a day.

A new scarf and Peanut for modeling it.

Morning rituals.

We're redoing Lily's room again. She has changed in the two years since we last did it and it's important to her because she spends a lot of time in her room so it's important to me. She's a good girl and she doesn't ask for much.

Church tomorrow.