An Early Morning Epiphany

My new planner came early. It was waiting for me when I got home yesterday. To say I was excited, is an understatement. I spent the better part of the evening setting goals and getting organized. I may have gone to the basement to dig out the old bin full of stickers from when the kids thought stickers were the best. Lily found her old scratch and sniff stickers and used the word nostalgia. I got to work giving my planner some personality.

I always have a planner. I'm old fashioned and I'm a writer. You will never convince me to rely on my phone for anything other than calls, texts and pictures. This year I decided I wanted to find a planner that  offered more than space to record appointments and dates and to dos. The pretty rose gold Clever Fox planner I chose helps with setting yearly, quarterly, monthly and weekly goals and when I tell you it's already working, I'm telling you the truth.

I make intentions, but rarely write them down. People have sung praises about specificity, measurability and accountability, and I've always said that doesn't work for or motivate me. Ha! I was wrong. By writing down in ink that my weekly goal is to exercise 4 times this week, and by identifying that one of my habits this week is to be up by 8:00 a.m., I ended up out for a walk on this beautiful morning rather than hitting snooze between 7:50 and 8:30. I wanted those check marks.

During said walk, I cued up an episode of Family Secrets. This week is all about moving again. While I was listening to Ruthie Lindsay's story and fighting back tears for the duration, it became clear to me that next week has to center around spirituality (and moving and getting up earlier and...too). It is time now to shift the focus from material and physical things. And while it's true that objects, worries, ailments, anxieties carry more meaning during difficult times, we don't have to let them. I'm craving connection and that profound sense of something much larger than myself. I'm seeking balance and meaning and peace. I'm looking for the purpose and the path.

I came home from my walk feeling stirred. I needed a good mixing. 

Last night Lils and I talked about how I've been feeling and being grumpy lately. I own it. Self-reflection disturbs ones equilibrium. Soul searching dredges up fears, insecurities, wounds, weaknesses, flaws: things we try to hide from ourselves so that we can maintain that sense of stability. It's also damn hard work that it would be easier not to do. I confessed that to my lovely daughter and was very honest about why I've been a little crankier and shorter than usual. I didn't apologize, but I will. She was understanding...forgiving. I did apologize to Mike. We ended up having a pleasant family dinner. We all pitched in and then gathered. It was a good night.

And today will be a good day.