On Blogging

I shouldn't be here right now.  I have a list of things to do.  It goes like this:

• clean
• consignment 
• walk
• shower
• library
• bake brownies
• make soup
• update vacation journal (PCB and Door County)
• edit fall pictures
• take Miss Bit to tennis

Nowhere on this lengthy list that I'm to accomplish between 9 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. does it say blog, and yet here I am.  I'm here despite the fur balls the size of tumbleweeds crowding the corners of every room, despite the fact that this overcast day is my favorite kind for bundling up and logging miles and Stegner's Angle of Repose is just getting good and drawing me in, despite the fact that I have to feed my family and I want to preserve our memories.  Despite all of the compelling reasons not to be here, I am...here.  I'm going with it too because I have not been showing up here often enough for my liking lately.  Instead I've been in my head giving a lot of thought to why I blog.  Why?  I know why I write, but why do I write here?

It became apparent to me in stepping back that there is no one reason, goal, or motivation.  There are many and they are complex and obviously always changing.  Some days I blog to share.  Some days I blog so I don't have to share out there.  Other days I blog to celebrate, record,  get something off my chest, or to work through it.  I blog when the world feels so light and when life seems too heavy.  I blog when I'm happy and also when I'm sad.  I don't blog to make money or change the world...I blog to change my life.  And blogging has changed my life, which is why it may not be on today's list, yet I'm still here.

Sometimes I forget other people are reading.  Then one of a few friends that check in here will comment to me in person about something I've written and I remember there is an audience...albeit a small and quiet one.  I had a scare recently.  I linked to my blog on Instagram, and then one by one my son's friends found me there and started liking my photos.  I worried that they would make their way to My Musings.  It made me feel exposed in a way I was uncomfortable with so I removed the link and prayed it wasn't too late.  I don't want an influx of tween traffic here even though they are fine young men.  I'm just starting to feel the chi of what I deem to be kindred soul traffic here.  You see I have seen and heard the scrutiny that comes with a following.  I have witnessed how beautiful voices get muted and then lost as bloggers try to please everyone and offend no one.  Pretty soon they are saying nothing.

And then I have to wonder..what is the point in writing at all?