The Countdown Is Always On

I went out for a walk this morning. It looks and feel like winter now, as it should. The days are gray more often than not, the trees are bare and the air is sobering. I love it. I’m in the minority. I didn’t see any other walkers on the trails. Truth is, I prefer it this way.

I was going through my to-dos as I logged miles. Not very zen of me, I know. It suddenly struck me that we are less than two weeks from Christmas...that we are almost halfway through one of my favorite months of the year. I felt more sad than panicked. Sad because I am so happy.

Tell me you understand this. The idea that being filled to the brim with joyful spirit can cause thrumming melancholy.

I suppose it’s no accident that when I got in my car and opted for music, Watermark came on. I recently found this CD and added it to my changer. I know…very 90s of me. I listened to this music constantly while my mother was dying and then while I was grieving. It comforted me like nothing else could. I felt my eyes well up as I became reacquainted with these old friends. Then I had to sit in my car in the parking lot until I was able to gather myself after hearing All Things New. The title track was the sucker punching song.

Before I got out of the car, I promised to go to church this weekend. I am not proud of my extended and unintended absence especially at this time of year when being there enhances everything for me. The reason for the season they say. It's true.

Last night Candace called and we decided to get together for happy hour. It was a happy hour, indeed. I never question what a blessing her friendship is in my life. All I wanted to do was sit beside my tree and be. These are the moments I cherish this time of year not the gallivanting or party hopping. Not the going going going.

Last Sunday I hosted a brunch. It was a lovely afternoon of good friends and food. I looked forward to it all weekend. I tried to prepare their favorite things, festively set my table, made a playlist and sent them home with lots of leftovers and an ivy wreath lit with fairy lights. Ivy is a symbol of enduring friendship. It was appropriate. Mike found the box of Limoges china I kept from my Grandma’s house in the basement without a grumble. I don’t recall Rosie ever using this china, but she was of the generation where you squirrel away and save for really special occasions. This brunch was in fact that and I am the opposite of a treasure saver so I was excited to enjoy it. I may just use it again for the brunch I’m hosting on Christmas.

Friday Lily helped me decorate our tree. We put on Christmas music and she indulged me by listening to many stories she’s heard many times about the cast of ornaments on our tree. It was sweet of Ted to suggest that we could wait to decorate until he returns for break, but I couldn’t wait that long. One of my favorite things is to bask in the light of the tree and go back in time with each ornament.

Mike figured out how to hang a big garland bough over our front door when I asked him. It looks so festive and I love it. I love him. Again he didn’t complain when it took longer than he thought and didn’t exactly go as planned.

These are the true gifts of the season. Time. Togetherness. Tradition. Patience. Peace. Selflessness. Kindness. Care.  

I took a box of the other kinds of gifts to UPS the other day. Although I will say,  I had extra fun this year shopping for my cousins’ kids now that mine are all about electronics and expensive shoes. I thought about what I would want if I were an eleven year old girl, a nine year old boy, a five year old boy or a two year old boy. I used to send clothes, but that’s no fun for them. I want to be the fun cousin.

I’ve hammered out a good chunk of my shopping and I feel excited about the things that will be going under the tree. Tomorrow Mike and I will tackle the better part of the rest of our list. Before we head out to shop, I will suggest we clear our heads with a hike around the Audubon. I’m pretty sure that he’ll agree. We'll shop. We'll lunch. It's become our thing.

Tonight I may make some cookies. I haven’t gotten very far in the baking department this year. I made Ted’s favorite Oreo Truffles and Buckeyes. He and Yash got them in their St Nick stockings. Yash doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but I still sent him a stocking filled with things to get him through finals. Doing the unexpected is a major source of joy for me especially at this time of year. I made macaroons. Not very Christmasy, but they’re Jess’s favorite. I am leaning toward trying some new recipes. We’ll see how many I get to.

Next week will be all about wrapping. Celebrations commence then. I'll also finish the final touches for the gatherings I'm hosting. I love that part: menu planning, setting the table, arranging the flowers. In between, I'll be sitting beside the tree and I won't be alone.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Morning walks. The fresh air, the smell of the woods, the sound of my breath...they ground me and fill me with gratitude that the sun shines on a new day and I'm here to move through it.

Patience. This beauty hasn't bloomed in a few years.

And now here it is almost right on time. Isn't it amazing?

NPR Tiny Desk Concerts. This morning I enjoyed Lizzo more than a woman my age should, and also Khalid and John Legend.

An early Thanksgiving celebration with my brother and sil this week. We had beautiful steaks and delicious mashed potatoes from Alison Roman's new cookbook. The addition of fresh dill was a very good one. I made my Mom's zucchini casserole. This time I added leeks instead of onions and I used a good white cheddar. It was a very happy pre-holiday celebration.

   

Ted came home on Monday. This trip home has been more about hanging with his buddies, but I'm good with that. There have also been some sweet family moments.

Tigger loves his cozy new bed.

Traditions.

 Lucky birds. Free and clear on Thanksgiving Day.

Going out for Thanksgiving dinner was better than I expected. The food was good enough and the atmosphere was festive. It sure was nice not to have the mess and the clean up. Honestly, I didn't even mind the lack of leftovers because I hate hate packing to gos. Then we enjoyed the rest of the evening at my Dad's.

All that was left of this pie was a single slice. I tell you this pie is crack.

 I am feeling the Christmas spirit. I put up my Mom's tree and started decorating. Shopping too, but only online today.

Happy Thanksgiving

Sometimes the preparation of the feast is the easy part of this holiday. All the time and attention that goes into brining then roasting the bird, deciding which deceased relative's stuffing to make and assembling the cast of sides is a beautiful thing. An effort everyone around the table appreciates. Most, myself included, would say that Thanksgiving is about togetherness, but that's sometimes the difficult part. When we gather, we come with flowers and wine, our egos, and pain and grudges. Or sometimes we don't come at all. And don't get me started on those who are no longer able to join us. The places they hold are not at the table, but in our hearts.

I want to offer that gratitude's cousin is humility. It takes an unassuming heart to forgive even when you still feel wronged. I'm able to forgive trespasses because I can see my part in the situation. Sometimes it takes time, a good night's sleep, some prayer, but I'm pretty good at considering the views, motivations, and feelings of others. It's hard when you put yourself in another's shoes to not have some understanding and empathy even in the heat of the moment. That's more difficult for some people.

And I guess the nugget I'm really trying to impart is that our relationships deserve the same care and attention as the turkey.  

This Thanksgiving morning is starting the way they all do. I'm up first enjoying my coffee in my NYC mug while I watch the parade. Celine Dion just sang her new song and I tried hard not to go down the rabbit hole. My mom took me to my one and only Celine Dion concert. I was just out of college and not a fan. The trip to Chicago in a limo sealed the deal though. It ended up being a fabulous show. That woman can sing and she's an amazing performer and I was with my mom on a girl's night in Chi-town. I'm at a place now where those reminders make me smile. They lift my heart. I feel lucky and have immense gratitude that we made wonderful memories together. I accept that there will be no new memories.

I put up her tree last night sans tears. Again I felt blessed. It's extra radiant this year thanks to the warm white LED twinkling lights my husband added. I was listening to Bing Crosby Christmas as I unwrapped each ornament and carefully placed them on the tree. I added a glass hummingbird this year. Those little marvels always make me feel connected to my mom. Birds are our thing. One of our things. I was almost done decorating when Ted and Cole arrived hungry. Luckily I had some chicken drummies roasting in the oven. That made me think of Rosie who always had something in the oven just in case someone stopped by. I fed them and sent them on their way to gather with their squad. They're still together this morning. I miss my mom, and I know how much she is missing, but I also know that she is smiling down on my happy house. My grateful life.

Soon Mike will get up and we'll take our annual walk. I'll finish my French silk pie. We don't prefer pumpkin. We're going over the river and through the woods to a restaurant on the lake. My Dad's kitchen is in flux, so we're going out. I'm not exactly keen on it, but it is what it is. That being said, I'm sure it'll be lovely. And most of us will be together. A little piece of my heart is with those who are not at their place around the table. And I will continue to pray for forgiveness and give thanks for every thing big and small every day. I'm a 365 days of Thanksgiving gal.

weekending

friday morning

friday evening

friday night

 saturday morning

ten years ago

saturday afternoon

saturday night

sunday morning

weekending

i was so happy for ted to be home for the whole weekend.

i planned an impromptu pizza night at casa wags because i knew everyone would want to see him.

i ordered salads and meatballs from one place and pizza from another...our family favorite parlor, lisa's.

i picked up wine and lit candles, but before long the night went from very good to very bad.

it's true that the holidays bring out the best and also the worst in us.

and while the disagreement didn't involve me, i wasn't able to bite my tongue long or hard enough for it to pass.

the night ended quickly and sadly.
regretfully i got involved.

no one was on good behavior.

thankfully the kids were already out with friends.

i'll be thankful if we can all sit around the same table together on thanksgiving and i really don't care where.

saturday i was up early after little sleep for a long walk with candace.

we doubled our loop because i needed to clear my head.

her company, the cool air and the miles worked miracles on my mood.

so did the crack glazed croissants she brought.

teddy was out and about all day with friends.

he came home in time to head out to another fam fave for mike's belated birthday dinner.

we opted to go to hooligans for all things wisconsin: cheese curds, mozz marinara, chicken wings with blue cheese and butter burgers with double cheese.

it was a light and healthy meal.

we came home to open presents and hang out.

it was a much better night than the night before.
amen.

the kids slept in sunday, but in the afternoon we made reserves at the cat cafe.

we were googly eyeing the cats in the window after dinner the night before so the kids and i decided to check it out.

i am surprised that we came home without a new family member or ten because we certainly could have.

ted chose mac and cheese for sunday dinner.
yes, more cheese.

i tried a new recipe from the magnolia cookbook i read with my coffee that morning.
it was a make again.

mike decided he would also grill a rack of ribs.

i steamed a huge pot of broccoli and cauliflower for good measure.

i also made jo's after school banana bread from the book and i think it's better than my favorite tried and true recipe.

everyone i shared it with agreed.

after dinner, ted and i curled up in my bed to watch some true crime drama and it was my favorite part of the weekend.
i slept like a baby that night knowing my four were all safe and sound and together.

monday morning came before we were ready.

i sent ted back to school with a duffel of clean laundry, his boots since winter has usurped fall, a breakfast burrito for the bus ride and a large fruit salad for later in the day.

he'll be home in a little more than a week and i'm already anticipating his return.