On My Mind Monday

Home isn't a place where everything stays the same; it's a place where you are safe and loved despite nothing staying the same.

As Bright as Heaven

~ Susan Meissner

I can't recall who recommended this book, but I'm sure glad she did. Historical fiction is not usually my jam because I find it to be overly sentimental, but I really enjoyed this book. I instantly liked and cared about the characters in this story. I appreciated the shortish chapters narrated by the Bright women who were smart and fierce and loyal. Shorter chapters make me read faster. I never put a book aside mid-chapter. If the chapter is manageable, I'm more likely to start another and another and another as in just one more. That's how I sadly found myself at the end of this story after three short days.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

A fun week of vacation even though we didn't travel this year. Lily and I spent a lot of quality time together and tried to plan something fun for each day. We hiked at the lake front, shopped, got manicures, went to the movies and out for lunch and frozen yogurt. I really enjoyed our time together.

It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing as long as we're together.

Teddy was at the range or on a course despite the chilly temps. He's gearing up for his golf season, which starts next week. I'm sure he'd have preferred to be somewhere warm, but my kids don't complain.

They usually know how blessed they are and feel gratitude for their gifts.

Mike made crepes for dinner one night. Teddy was so happy. He polished off 6.

I finished Bright as Heaven and I liked it much more than I expected to. The characters were well-written and the story compelling.

weekending

this weekend was...

cocktails with a friend and birthday burgers and cookies with custard for my brother.

it was making sticky slime, delicious homemade pizza, and teenager approved emoji and cacti easter eggs.

it was a trip to the men's formal wear shop and a pit stop at the library.

it was palm sunday mass with a full church, our favorite father and a tear jerking recessional hymn.

it was coming home to watch the passion after hearing the passion.

it was still winter with a hint of spring.

it was curling up with a book, sitting down with a bowl of chicken noodle soup leftover from the best batch ever last week and also feeling the warmth of the sun and the promise of what is to come soon.

On My Mind Monday

Home is where you land; home is where you launch. You can't pick your home any more than you can your family. In poker, you get five cards. Three of them you can swap out, but two are yours to keep: family and native land.

~ Tayari Jones

An American Marriage

I Need Drugs

Finding myself here is yet another act of procrastination. I employ many these days. The most popular include reading, walking and cooking. They are all good things that I enjoy, but I am enjoying them when I should be doing other things. And while writing about what I'm not doing is a way of working through the tough stuff, it's still putting it off. I'm not even fooling myself. I need to get through it. I know this. This I know.

I've been so holed up in my head that it's starting to take a toll. I feel high levels of stress and anger, low levels of energy and enthusiasm, and plummeting levels of hope and happiness. The number one culprit is my lack of a job, but they just keep piling on and on and on. I'm not really talking to anyone. I'm holding it all in. I know that's not healthy or helpful, but it's where I'm at. Batten down the hatches baby.

The sickness of it really struck me last night when I was bone tired and just wanted to go to bed. Instead I stayed up and read because I dread waking in the middle of the night with a million worries on my mind and the sound of my nag heart beat beating away. I also cannot bear the calendar turning to another day of what is starting to feel like stagnation. I feel stuck. There I said it. Stuck and sinking in a pool of quick sand. I have all this time, but I'm afraid to live my life amidst all this uncertainty. I'm living a very little life right now.

I don't feel like I'm being a good mother or wife or friend and its breaking my heart because the people I love are my greatest riches. They're all I really need.

The thing is I'm wired as a pessimist. I'm prone to go to the worst places. This isn't new, and yet, this is different. I think that's owing to this middle place I'm in: halfway through my life if I'm lucky, between jobs if I'm lucky, preparing to send my son off into the world and my daughter to high school. Too many ifs...so many hows.

I'm paralyzed by fear and sadness. Some days I don't want to leave my house, and I get anxiety just thinking about it. It's true. Mid-month I feel on the verge of tears for days. This is starting to seem hormonal, which would make sense given the middle place.

I'm pretty sure I need a script, but that would require going to the doctor, which is very bad for my anxiety and my blood pressure. Years ago, I asked my doctor for something for anxiety and she suggested therapy. I'm not against it, but I don't understand how practically everyone I know is on Klonopin or Ativan and all she can give me is talk therapy.

I still haven't heard boo from by father. My step-mother confirmed that he is playing the victim even though he was the aggressor. He is spouting off about how no one cares about him and seems to forget that I was last to reach out. I have been on my knees about this one and yet I'm still stuck here too. I love him so I don't want him to feel unloved. He hurt me and so I want to know that he knows he was wrong and has remorse. I think he needs some drugs too, and that's not meant to be funny.

And then there's the whole extended family drama. Sabrina got to TJ as I knew she would. When he said that he and Kate were planning to come solo for Easter, I about choked and croaked. I knew when she found out she would put the kibosh on it and STAT. Yesterday I got word from him that tickets are too expensive. Today I got word from Judy that he and Kate are going out to visit Sabrina. I'm sure she paid for the fare when she found out he was coming to Wisconsin. Bribery. It's no coincidence that Sabrina texted Judy yesterday to tell her this. She knows it'll get back to me. If there's no relationship with her, she'll make sure that TJ is collateral damage. She will hold their her inheritance over him for the rest of time doling it out to control him and keep him in her crazy life. At first I was pissed, but now I'm relieved. I wasn't really feeling house guests right now and her ongoing twisted manipulations only remind me of why I don't want a relationship with her any more. 

I just want to know how and when this family became so fucked up.

These are the things I'm escaping from.

Can you blame me?

On My Mind Monday

"Being on a journey is almost always more satisfying than reaching the goal."

Silence in the Age of Noise
~Erling Kagge

weekending

it's been a rough day.

the sun is shining, spring is in the air and yet i cannot shake this dark, irritable feeling that there's a cloud overhead.

not even mass this morning could properly lift my spirits.

my family steered clear of me and i understood.

the kids were busy all weekend long.

friday lily went shopping and to dinner with a friend, saturday afternoon she went ice skating with another, saturday night she went to a school event at the health club and she had soft ball clinics all this afternoon.
she should sleep well tonight.

i feel like she's in a real good place.

she's got a group of friends who are nice girls...nice to one another.

that's so often not the case, but she's worked hard for it and i'm proud of her.

ted spent time both days at the range, and then with friends watching basketball.

ted still hangs out with his bf from kindergarten and just about everyone he's met since.
guys are so much less complicated.

yesterday we hosted my brother and sil for a st. paddy's day feast.

mike's corned beef was delicious...the star as it should be.

my braised cabbage was good, the irish cheddar mashed taters were very good, and the brown butter and garlic soda bread was my new fave version especially topped with kerrygold butter.

dessert was guinness brownies with irish cream buttercream and divine.

we all discovered that we are not turnip fans, but parsnips in moderation are passable.

mike started a spring project and i did some deep spring cleaning.

that felt good.

after some work and a nap this afternoon, i started to feel a wee bit better.

mike grilled chicken and i chopped all the toppings for burrito bowls.

it's a new casa wags favorite and will enter the rotation.

i'm going to sign off here and head up to bed to finish my book and get a good night's sleep so that hopefully, i'll kick off the week feeling refreshed and bright.

good night.