Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The little nod I got from my mom this morning. St. Patrick's Day was her day. Her favorite day of all the year. It's the one day every year that I miss her most. Don't get me wrong...there are many others, but always always this one. I wrapped the shamrock scarf she was wearing when she passed around my neck this morning almost as an afterthought. Then as I idled at the stoplight by my church, I said a prayer as I do every morning when I pass by. The prayer I said this morning was for my mom. And I cannot explain the feeling I had as I made the sign of the cross, but deep in my heart I just knew she was with me. It was like a flash of joy, a brief moment of eternal clarity, or a prayer answered offering much needed peace. I smiled through the tears that were flowing. I smiled because she gave that to me.

shamrocks

I got over myself last night. Well, I got over myself with the help of Rachel Macy Stafford's little manifesto for showing up in life. I've been waiting for a friend to call. Or email. Or text. She hasn't so I haven't. But I love and miss this friend and after a little nugget I read the other day, I realized how utterly silly I'm being for keeping score and not reaching out when I want to. So I did. I texted and asked her to meet me tonight for a green beer. She not only said 'yes' but also that my timing was perfect. Go figure. Universe, you continue to amaze me.

Mother Nature amazes me too. Just last week I was noticing so much bird song in my yard, I saw my first bunny and then a second and they were definitely cavorting, and of course, there's that thing about the days already feeling so luxuriously long. And then we got our biggest snowfall of the season...the kind we've been craving all winter long...on the cusp of spring. The roads were terrible and I took that as a sign to stay home safe and warm and cozy. I hunkered down with my boys and my books and I only felt a tad bit guilty.

snow

naps

their spot

my spot

We're going to Mexico! Have I made that clear? I'm starting to get very excited for our trip. One of the most important things to pack besides a good swimsuit and sunscreen is the proper reading material. I have  All the Ugly and Wonderful Things on Audible, A Long Way Home, The Rules Do Not Apply and Textbook so this will be the trip of the memoir. And yes I am bringing actual books. I also ordered a pair of sunglasses that are readers so I don't have to do the attractive thing I do where I put my sunglasses on over my cheaters.

prepared with pesos

Last night we had a girl's night. Girls plus Peanut. The guys were out watching basketball with friends so we got a little creative in the kitchen since Thursdays are leftovers night at Casa Wags. We turned the last of the blueberries into muffins made of a combo of all purpose, almond and gluten-free flour as our pantry was scarce. Then I threw together some of this and that into a stir fry, which we decided was a deconstructed egg roll and delicious. She even wanted the leftovers for lunch today. Feeling inspired, she started looking through recipes so she can cook dinner for us over the weekend. I love being in my kitchen cooking with my girl. My girl who is always talking about her palette and willing to try most anything. 

he thinks he's human

muffins are so much better with glaze

plans and lists

The boys came home at about the same time and just in time to catch the second half of the Badger game. They were some very happy fans and maybe a little tired too.

family rooms

This guy is feeling better. He had a bug this week, but he's as good as new.

staying hydrated

Cloudy days.

Eggs.

Kickboxing.

Random acts of kindness.

Compassion.

Late Winter Inventory

I started out strong. Read Cutting for Stone. The fifth time was definitely a charm. That's right...I started this novel no less than 4 times prior. I cannot explain my road block nor my tenacity, but I was so rewarded by this story and these characters in the end. Next I picked up Salter's Light Years. It's not light reading, but it sure is beautiful writing. I was put off by Nedra and Viri initially, but drawn in by Salter's storytelling from the start. I dogeared practically every other page for some exquisite description or blunt truth. I'm grateful I didn't give up on this little gem. I started Chef Eric Ripert's 32 Yolks only to get notice from the library that A Little Life was waiting for me. Yanagihara's novel is not a little book or an easy read, but it was captivating and raw and well-told. I had to pace myself because I was tempted to devour the 760 pages as quickly as possible, but it was also draining. I was warned and it is true: this novel's impact makes everything else feel trivial and trite. I have not read much since I finished it. I'm halfway through a few in this stack and gearing up for the rest. Ultimately, it was The One in the Million Boy that wooed me back. Wood's YA novel is quirky and charming, and it also tugs steadily on the heart strings.  

Wondering what it would be like to be a cat. I've had some serious cat envy going on in these days of late winter. Days that seem designed for curling up in some soft spot for hours that turn into days.

Hoping that I can plan and host a beautiful Easter brunch. There's nothing better than a houseful of people. And also that we get to Mexico without any incidence. I'd be a strong candidate for teleportation. I like the going places just not the getting there. I suppose I'm in good company.

Thinking about the past and legacy. The things we leave behind. These musings were mostly sparked by a visit to my Grandma's house. It's being prepped for an estate sale. So many memories. This Albert the Alley Cat hat reminded me of the time my brother and I made the evening news. We were playing in the snowbanks on the street in our matching hats in the middle of a snowstorm. Albert was the mascot for the station so we were PR in our cat hats. I thought about what good friends my brother and I were growing up, and how the snow banks seemed big as mountains when we were small, and how I had dreams that we would be such good friends for all our lives.

I remember collecting these glasses myself. I don't think my Grandma ever used her set. She had so much stuff she could never put it all to use. She probably didn't even know much of what she had, and she never used the good stuff. I Thought about how important it is to use the good stuff and not to have too much stuff.

This picture hung in her living room. I was spooked, but also mesmerized by this depiction of Jesus with the crown of thorns. I Thought about taking it, but I knew I wouldn't hang it. I drove down the alley we used to walk together to church instead and then I paused in front of it long enough to say a prayer.

Watched The Affair. This season felt a little like a tease. I wanted a couple more episodes at least. I was annoyed by the ending, but now that I'm thinking back on it, it may just be perfect.  We're also getting caught up on Billions and Homeland as we have Showtime for the late winter. I'm lukewarm on both show's seasons right out of the gate.

Listening to lots of Gypsy Kings and mariachi music in anticipation of our trip.

Eating pretty clean and with Michael Pollan's wisdom in mind: Eat food. Mostly Plants. Not too much. We're still restricting gluten, sugar and dairy. In the past week, we've had some of our favorite Irish fare. I don't think I'll be making soda bread though this year.

Drinking margaritas de patron, and lemon water and tea.

Wanting a big snowstorm all season. It arrived yesterday so I took a snow day. It was a gift to myself.

Enjoying Crabtree & Evelyn lotion, Teddy's new-earned independence, Amazon Prime (although it is a bit dangerous), brushing up on my Spanish and amping up the frequency and difficulty of my workouts.

Loving the Yiddish word mishegas and the French bete noire, the fact my cousins are coming for Easter, fresh flowers at the end of winter, a fresh haircut and feeling like I can wear some pink again.

On My Mind Monday

This sad news.

weekending

the front-end of the weekend was full.

the back-end was empty, yet still full.
it's possible...believe me.

my brother-in-law came over friday for the badger game and it was good to catch up.
i like seeing the brothers bond.

teddy was pretty much on the go all weekend long.

this was my view of him.

leaving.

he didn't have to work so he made the most of his free time.

he spent most of this time with friends watching basketball, playing basketball, practicing baseball. 

he was up very early to volunteer saturday morning and then he went out for breakfast before going for a hike.

i think he saw the virtue in rising early and having so many hours in the day.
it's possible his actions speak louder than my words.

lily had a friend over saturday while i went on a trip down almost ancient memory lane.

my grandma's been gone for a decade, but my aunt is finally getting close to selling her house.

my dad and his siblings grew up in this house, and i spent much of my childhood there too.

there were lots of memories and hoards of  feelings.

it was a tad overwhelming to try and chose a few meaningful keepsakes.

but then i came home happy with the things i more feel picked me.
it's entirely possible that things exert energy.

roses and angels. her name is rose and she is an angel.

i came home with just enough time to greet our friends in my sombrero with margaritas when they arrived.

we hosted a fiesta...a prelude to our mexican vacation.

i dug out photo albums from a couple of our past adventures.

we had just as much fun reminiscing as anticipating and the kids even indulged us our rememberings of mama, and el fuerte and fat tony.

the teens ate and ran.

places to go and people to see.
so many things possible.

we lingered after the best pork carnitas i've made to date enjoying a little kahlua in our coffee that may have been leftover from our last trip.
definitely...possible.

and churro cupcakes, which are sort of perfect and heavenly and gone.

it was a perfect night of good food and good friends.

the kind of friends who are more like family.

the kind who have been there all along and aren't going anywhere,

and most importantly...the kind you want to stay.

i was spent come sunday.

there is something lavish about a day in pjs.

restorative and rich.

that was my day today.

this was my view as i binge watched the bulk of the latest season of the affair and cried through last week's episode of this is us.

sweet little snuggler for as much time as possible.

i started crying during the recap of  the previous episode and didn't stop much to lily's amazement.

she and i made clay creatures and then sunday dinner.

 sweet little spring bunnies.

 lily was on the potatoes. we make potatoes as many ways possible at casa wags. in moderation, they are a healthy starch.

i stuffed the chicken breasts with prosciutto and provolone, and dredged them in evoo and herbs.

it's snowing as i write this.

the world looks so peaceful and i just want to hit pause.
right now i'd like a month of sundays.
tell me...it's possible.

weekending

the weekend in pictures.

and a few words.

ted worked many hours.

he wasn't exactly thrilled about spending his weekend bagging groceries.

i was quite happy that he's able to drive himself to and from the job, and then to meet up with friends once he is off.

we hosted an impromptu birthday fiesta for the february girls.

it had the essential elements: patron, chorizo, and a very cute girl in a sombrero.

oh, and a chocolate cake and thoughtful presents.

this is the first time we did carryout and a store-bought cake for a party.

i will do it again because it was zero stress.

and also quite good.

also there were cards.

peanut is saying 'cut me in.'

and some slime.

always slime.

the rest of the weekend we were busy around the house getting ready for spring and spring break.

i cleaned out closets and started packing.

the boys kept a close eye on us.

they don't like when we leave them.

for the record...i don't like to leave them.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks...

That Teddy passed his driver's test and in the snow and on the first time. I think I was more nervous than he was before, but we were both pretty excited after.

He was so stoked he even smiled and let me take his picture. I love how genuine his smile is in this shot. He's truly happy. And he's such a handsome young man.

When I find her selfies on my phone. I love this capture of her because she looks confident and content. I'm really impressed by her recent dogged determination to eat healthier. She's pretty much cut out all junk cold turkey. She's growing up and into a lovely young woman too.

I may not be the happiest I've ever been, but one thing is for sure...I am as blessed. I truly feel warm appreciation and deep gratitude for this life I live even while I acknowledge it may not be perfect.

A new and good neighborhood pizza parlor. We all ate pizza (even the no glutenites among us) on Fat Tuesday and it was a treat.

Snow...the kind that blankets every limb on every tree. It was the most beautiful snowfall we've had all year.

I washed the boys' favorite blankets and then as soon as I took them out of the dryer fluffed and warm, they snuggled right back up in their nests.

It's still winter, but I can never resist the first daffodils of the coming season especially when they're $1.50 a bunch at Trader Joe's. 

Trader Joe's in the middle of the day in the middle of the week.

The way a few key ingredients can come together so beautifully, and the nights I get to be sous chef. Prepping is my favorite part of cooking.

 A recent resurgence of Gin. He had the title, but I have it now.

A friend gave me a beautiful jade ring just because she knew I'd love it. Her generosity and thoughtfulness never cease to amaze me or touch my heart. I have to have it sized before I can wear it. I had a jade ring in college, and I always felt fierce when I wore it.

A typical March weekend ahead.

March First

Just as the weather woman predicted, it started to rain this morning, then hail and now it's snowing flakes as fat as cotton swabs. As spartan white too. Not as predicted, it's covering the roads as well as the grass. On any other Wednesday morning, this would make me completely happy. Today is not just any Wednesday morning though. Today is the day that Teddy has his road test. He hasn't done much driving in the snow. That's because we haven't had much snow this winter so it seems like a rather cruel joke that Mother Nature is pulling on him today. On me.

I'm ready for him to get his license. Or that's what I'm telling myself in any event. I'm not so sure I'm ready for him to drive off alone into the world, but it'll be a relief to at least have the option. He's boldly confident that he's going to pass even given the nasty weather conditions. Sometimes I'm envious of his mettle. Most of the time.

I'm feeling honest today what can I say?

Still I'm sort of ridiculously content to be holed up at home right now as the world is whitewashed before my eyes. I have some groovy jazz station on that is both calming and inspiring. That is the magic combination too: serene and sparked. Although, serenity might be dashed if I go for that third cuppa I'm craving.

Peanut is curled up behind me on the chair serving as my personal heating pad. He's efficient. He's better than the seat warmer in my car that's for sure. It's our ritual on mornings when I come here to write. These morning writing sessions have been less and less frequent though as I struggle to figure out what this space means to me at present. I'm not drawn here the way I used to be, and then when I show up, I feel strangely tongue tied. There are many things that I don't feel comfortable delving into here...feelings and relationships and feelings about relationships. It's sort of become a journal of daily life...an accounting, and that's OK. I can't tell you how many times I've come here to place a milestone or refresh a memory. As the family historian (self-appointed), I take recording our yesterdays most seriously.

The thing is that I've been thinking about the future more than ever. It's scary and exciting and also ultimately unknown. Putting my dreams and fears into writing is just so soberingly permanent. Not to do so though seems to deny possibilities and ignore probabilities. Not to do so feels a whole lot like stuck. 

My mantra...well, one of my mantras...is be.here.now. There is a difference between choosing to be present and being held prisoner by the present day. I like it best when I'm both present and prescient. I think if I'm to be honest as I claimed earlier, I'm living in the moment right now not out of gratitude or appreciation even though there is always that, but out of palpable and pervasive fear.

Fear of confronting the negative situations and relationships in my life. These are the things that are holding me back, down, under. What scares me most is that with the acknowledgement comes the ownership and then the call to change. To do and be different. Hopefully, better. You call it out and the con is up if you will. There are people in my life close to me that I'm not living my truth with. I have no interest in doing that any longer even as I realize that by revealing my feelings and intentions I may be jeopardizing relationships. My hope is that this won't happen. My hope is that by being open and honest these relations will be stronger and more meaningful, but I am not naive. I have to be prepared that I may not be validated, and I may even be rejected. Proceed with extreme and discerning caution is the alarm that sounds in my head, which I often interpret to mean stay right where you are. 

This...where I am though...it isn't where I want to be anymore, and I guess that acknowledgement is a step in the right direction: forward.