March First

Just as the weather woman predicted, it started to rain this morning, then hail and now it's snowing flakes as fat as cotton swabs. As spartan white too. Not as predicted, it's covering the roads as well as the grass. On any other Wednesday morning, this would make me completely happy. Today is not just any Wednesday morning though. Today is the day that Teddy has his road test. He hasn't done much driving in the snow. That's because we haven't had much snow this winter so it seems like a rather cruel joke that Mother Nature is pulling on him today. On me.

I'm ready for him to get his license. Or that's what I'm telling myself in any event. I'm not so sure I'm ready for him to drive off alone into the world, but it'll be a relief to at least have the option. He's boldly confident that he's going to pass even given the nasty weather conditions. Sometimes I'm envious of his mettle. Most of the time.

I'm feeling honest today what can I say?

Still I'm sort of ridiculously content to be holed up at home right now as the world is whitewashed before my eyes. I have some groovy jazz station on that is both calming and inspiring. That is the magic combination too: serene and sparked. Although, serenity might be dashed if I go for that third cuppa I'm craving.

Peanut is curled up behind me on the chair serving as my personal heating pad. He's efficient. He's better than the seat warmer in my car that's for sure. It's our ritual on mornings when I come here to write. These morning writing sessions have been less and less frequent though as I struggle to figure out what this space means to me at present. I'm not drawn here the way I used to be, and then when I show up, I feel strangely tongue tied. There are many things that I don't feel comfortable delving into here...feelings and relationships and feelings about relationships. It's sort of become a journal of daily life...an accounting, and that's OK. I can't tell you how many times I've come here to place a milestone or refresh a memory. As the family historian (self-appointed), I take recording our yesterdays most seriously.

The thing is that I've been thinking about the future more than ever. It's scary and exciting and also ultimately unknown. Putting my dreams and fears into writing is just so soberingly permanent. Not to do so though seems to deny possibilities and ignore probabilities. Not to do so feels a whole lot like stuck. 

My mantra...well, one of my mantras...is be.here.now. There is a difference between choosing to be present and being held prisoner by the present day. I like it best when I'm both present and prescient. I think if I'm to be honest as I claimed earlier, I'm living in the moment right now not out of gratitude or appreciation even though there is always that, but out of palpable and pervasive fear.

Fear of confronting the negative situations and relationships in my life. These are the things that are holding me back, down, under. What scares me most is that with the acknowledgement comes the ownership and then the call to change. To do and be different. Hopefully, better. You call it out and the con is up if you will. There are people in my life close to me that I'm not living my truth with. I have no interest in doing that any longer even as I realize that by revealing my feelings and intentions I may be jeopardizing relationships. My hope is that this won't happen. My hope is that by being open and honest these relations will be stronger and more meaningful, but I am not naive. I have to be prepared that I may not be validated, and I may even be rejected. Proceed with extreme and discerning caution is the alarm that sounds in my head, which I often interpret to mean stay right where you are. 

This...where I am though...it isn't where I want to be anymore, and I guess that acknowledgement is a step in the right direction: forward.