Thursday, September 25, 2008

(Excerpt from personal journal)

Today seems to be starting off the same as yesterday. I am reminded of the cruelty of Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, we are not bracing for a happy ending though. My Mom woke up coughing, took her medication (more and stronger than just a day ago), happily ate every last bite of a long john over the course of half a day, and drank a little coffee (out of a straw now). She is back to sleep as I write, but before she dozed off, I told her that when she is ready to go, she can go knowing that I will always love her and know that she is beside me, and that my brother and I have each other and will be ok. I asked her only that she send me signs from above. She confessed, "I hope I can." We held hands, shared tears and expressed the breadth and depth of our love for one another. I thanked her for always being my rock, and I mustered up the courage to tell her that going through this beside her has been my honor.  She has always taken such good care of me.  I am blessed to be able to take care of her.

The thing is, though...today is really very different than yesterday for I feel that my Mom is very much in a state of transition between the living and the dead. I believe she has had visitors.

I didn't sleep much at all last night despite the fact that I was beyond exhausted. I felt various presences in the room with us and I even sensed energy moving through my body several times. It didn't scare me...I was simply in awe. It felt like an electrical shock. a pulsing, living current. 

My Mom spent much of the night carrying on whispered conversations. I strained to hear what she was saying, but I never could get in on the clandestine conversations.

This morning I said, "Tell me there were angels here last night?" She smirked and said, "If you say so."  Then she winked.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

(Excerpt from personal journal)

 
My Mom has only been awake for a few, quiet moments today. She roused long enough to take her medication, eat half a long john and blow me a kiss. It hasn't been silent in here though. I have been reading to her stories of miracles, prayers answered, after death communications. She is listening. She is listening. I have been talking to her...telling her that I know she will always be with me and the kids, that I will always love her. I can tell that she is listening by the fluttering of her eye lashes and the changes in her breathing. She is hearing. She is hearing. Now I'm playing Watermark and singing to her as I hold her hand in mine. She is calm. Relaxed. I hope it is soothing her. It certainly has that affect on me. It is what I need, but I want to give her what she needs. I am listening...wanting to hear whatever it is she needs to know I am near and that she need not fear.
It has been difficult for me being alone here the past few days, but this morning I realized that I am not alone and I never will be. I am beyond thankful for this morning's tender moments and talks of truths...the time we shared just the two of us. This is time I will never get back.  I'll sit here beside her for as long as she needs me. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

(excerpt from personal journal)


What a difference a day makes.
Just as I suspected and thought I had accepted, my Mom was really holding strong resigned to reach 60 and to plan her send off. Yesterday I noticed even more changes in her. Today she is even less of herself. She is more confused, distant, shaky, despondent, sleepy and she seems plain tired of this demoralizing fight. I cannot say that I blame her, but I can say that I am now absolutely certain that watching her lose her will and succumb to this poison will be harder than anything I have yet endured in my lifetime.
As she was leaving today, Sparkle said, "I'll see you Friday for your shower." My Mom replied, "I'm not sure about that." I'm not sure about that either. I am sure that I am not ready to let her go, but then I'll never be reday for that. Now I know...it is out of our hands.

Monday, September 22, 2008

(Excerpt From Personal Journal )


My Mom turned 60 yesterday and all things considered, it was a beautiful day. She was awake, alert, and happy to share the occasion with her closest family and friends. When I remember my Mom on this special day, I will see her just as she was...in a state of grace...filled with and surrounded by peace and love. So much love.

Her "inner circle" all played an integral part in making the day memorable. We gathered together to commemorate 60 beautiful years well lived. During my toast, I confessed that my biggest wish is that there would be...could be...60 more, but no one can deny she's done a lot of living in that too short of a time.

Her supportive neighbors made sure her day started with plenty of thoughtful whimsy. They came...all of them...bearing bouquet after bouquet of sweet pink balloons. They decorated her entire deck with the inflatables, brought her a glass of bubbly and gave her hugs and well wishes. It was so terrifically touching.

Jess came early and spent some time with my Mom because she had another commitment later in the day. When my Mom snoozed, she did laundry and washed crystal for the luncheon she was unable to stay for. Kathy also came early as she had to work later in the day. She sat with my Mom and she vacuumed the family room because she saw it needed to be done. So many friends to do whatever is needed even before you know you need it - it is such a buoyant blessing. Shortly thereafter, Mary B, Debbie, Candace, Rose and Mary G arrived. My brother and his girlfriend picked up my Mom's favorite burgers and fries. My hubby came with a bouquet of 60 roses in 6 regal colors - one for each decade of her life. The house is filled with the most stunning flowers. As I walk from room to room, I think I'm in a florist shop. Yesterday, Kristen dropped off the perfect cake decorated with shamrocks. My Aunt brought her favorite cheesecake and she lit up like a Christmas tree because her sweet tooth is stronger than ever. My other Aunt spent days in the kitchen and delivered more than a week's worth of warm, tasty meals. My cousin sent flowers. My Dad even came bearing a bouquet.

We celebrated - we ate, drank, laughed, cried, remembered and shared some absolutely beautiful time together. It was a warm embrace just to be in the love filled house. I never cease to be utterly amazed by the communion of kindred spirits or of the amazing strength of my Mom's spirit even as she grows weaker in body.

The day itself was a gift to be cherished. Isn't every day a gift? A bow tied present?

Happy Birthday Mom!

I started to compile this collection when my Mom was still alive, but I could feel her slipping away a little more each day. I was filled with fear that I would forget the unforgettable, and so I did the one thing that always brings me comfort and clarity...I wrote. I made a list. I have carried this purge of memories with me for almost a year. It is cathartic and incredibly difficult to revisit and edit. The reality of changing from present to past tense is agonizingly agonizing. The golden nugget in all of this is that I haven't forgotten a single thing that I wanted to remember about the incredible woman I was blessed to call Mom, mentor, and best friend. And this compilation of things both large and small helps me focus on her life, not her death. I am still haunted by the fact that I am most often taken back to her last days. I yearn for the day when I think of my Mom and I remember her healthy, happy, feisty and full of life - the way she was for most of her 21,907 days. These are just some of the things that I will never forget...

• The way she would always say, "Do you know what I mean?"
• My wedding day was as big of a day for her as it was for my hubby and I, and I am absolutely certain that she watched our wedding video many more times than we have.
• She spoiled all of us, but especially T Bone and Miss Bit, the absolute apples of her eye.
• When she had a gift for someone, she could never wait until the occasion to give it.
  The way she used Windex, one would have thought that she owned stock in it. She used to joke that when she died, she wanted to be buried with a bottle of it. That was until she got sick and had to face her death and decide that she would be cremated not buried. But she did go with Windex (a single Windex Wipe).
• Her animals were like children to her. She treated them so well that they lived long, happy lives. Our first kitty was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was still a kitten and the vet wanted to euthanize her, but my Mom wouldn't have it. She lived to be 23! One of her dogs had chemo and acupuncture.
• She always spoke her mind convincingly and was smartly opinionated.
• There wasn't a day that she didn't look like a million bucks.
• Except maybe one New Year's Eve night in the late 80's when she left the house in a floral embroidered sweater, a jean mini, jet black Lycra workout pants and her sable mink coat!
• Even without hair she was beautiful.
• She lost a few strands and made an appointment the next day to have her head shaved. She preferred to be in control. That was an empowering afternoon filled with hope and courage.
• She was a die hard Republican, and always aware of the issues.
• I was dead set against going to Madison for college because I was convinced it was too big. She secretly filled out an application for me and that is where I ended up going and having 4 of the best years of my life.
• Summer 1987...Student Orientation...leaving my Mom singing in the piano bar at the Governor's Club and heading to bed.
• I talked to her each and every day...several times of the day and night. I still do.
• She was present for the births of both of her grandchildren, and I know that those incredible experiences were highlights in her life. In fact, she almost beat us to the hospital when T. Bone was born!
• She was honored that Miss Bit was given her name as a middle name.
• She spent hours walking and rocking T. Bone while singing Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra to calm his colic.
• She was a closet Jerry Springer junkie.
• Her generosity was unparalleled.
• Her father was her hero.
• She always had such sadness that he died before we were born and so regretted that he was not able to be a part of our lives here on earth.
• She talked to Grandpa Mack every Christmas Eve after my brother and I were tucked in bed. It upset me as a child, but I very much understood it as an adult.
• She was drawn to convertibles because they reminded her of him.
• Pumpkin 2...
• Her sporty racy red Celica...
• Her classy black Miata...
• And the Saab with the awesome satellite radio!
• She was the ultimate list maker.
• My Mom would clean her house for her cleaning lady...I'm talking scrub and scour.
• She worked 2 jobs when she had to make sure that we had all that we needed and most of what we wanted, and she rarely complained.
• Although she did not have the best relationship with her Mom, she made sure that she didn't repeat the cycle of benign neglect with her children.
• When she looked at Miss Bit, she would appear to be in awe and a 100 million miles away.
• She came to see T Bone and get her fix every single day for months after he was born.
• We always talked about building a mother-in-law suite for her someday to move into.
• Together we used to laugh at the way my Grandma would set the dinner table in the morning and fill pans with water to boil hours later, but she did the same thing.
• Family vacations...trips to the UP, Eagle River, Ixtapa Mexico, Little Hills Lake, Lake Noquebay, Powers Lake, Lake Winnepisaukee and Disney World.
• T. Bone's first trip to Disney World was her first time ever at the "happiest place on earth." She was thrilled to experience the magic with him.
• She was a carpet sweeper and could always tell when we would walk on the carpet in violation of "house rules.'
• She encouraged me to join a sorority and made sure my brother went abroad even though I know she didn't have the extra money for those experiences.
• She was queen of the sudoku and a puzzle fanatic always.
• I had to have a canopy bed when I was a little girl because she always dreamed of one as a child.
• She made the best ever tuna casserole, beef stroganoff and chicken ala king.
• If you told her you liked something, you would get it every time she went to the store.
• Cheeto Nanny!
• Junior Mint Grandma!
• She took care of me my whole life.
• Her traditional Thanksgiving feast was a family favorite...turkey, stuffing sans giblets, gravy, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, zucchini casserole and rolls.
• There would be lots of leftovers for everyone and plenty of turkey for white bread and Miracle Whip sandwiches, her favorite, the next day!
• Her other favorite sandwich was liversausage with onions on rye.
• Leisurely lunches at Greny's.
• Slim's and the Swinging Door too.
• She was so sure that my brother and I wouldn't come through on a 50th birthday party that she threw her own. She ended up having 2 in 1 week!
• I have never known a classier, smarter, spunkier lady!
• The night we went to see Anita Baker and sang under the starry skies.
• In college, she took me and my hubby to see Paul Simon's Rhythm of the Saints tour.
• She and I road tripped to Chicago to see Celine Dion in style... in a limo.
• She liked to find reasons to take limos.
• Concha y Toro vino.
• We saw the Rolling Stones a few years ago and were so close we could see Mick's wrinkles and ribs.
• She would never forget a face or a name.
• She was friends with everyone she came in contact with from work acquaintances to the check out girls at the market to her hair dresser to her neighbors.
• When she looked at you, you always knew whether she approved of what you were wearing.
• Yet her motto was, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!" She never had to because the look said it all.
• And "If you want something done right...do it yourself!"
• She owned chaps and a cool black leather jacket and she could tie a mean doo rag.
• Her traditional Christmas Eve dinner...tenderloin, baked potatoes, spinach stuffed tomatoes, salad and dinner rolls.
• Dessert for her was always another glass of wine.
• But she could never resist butter pecan custard.
• She would never leave the house on St. Paddy's Day without a shamrock on her cheek.
• She rarely put off until tomorrow what she could do today.
• Jackie O. sunglasses...the bigger the better.
• She owned at least 50 pairs of black slacks and hundreds of pairs of shoes!
• She saw every movie on the Lifetime channel more than once and every episode of every Law & Order multiple times. Da dut!
• When she knew it was me calling, she would answer the phone, "Yes, maam."
• Every Mother's day she bought me 2 bluebells. They will always remind me of my Mom.
• Every salad she ever made was loaded with hard boiled eggs.
• When we were little, we could always tell by the sound of her voice whether it was really time to come home.
• She was horrible at keeping secrets and withholding surprises.
• She was an early riser.
• She was a terrible liar.
• Patience was never one of her best virtues. She despised being kept waiting.
• Her greatest fear about an untimely death was that her grandchildren wouldn't remember her. That fear has proven to be unfounded.
• She received blow after blow, yet she never gave up the fight and she never gave up hope.
• Ritz perfume. When I was little, I knew she was going out when she sprayed the Charles of the Ritz.
• She brought an entire suitcase full of Miller Lite beer to Ixtapa.
• She always was drawn to men who didn't value her enough and that's why I think she never remarried.
• That and her fierce independence.
• She didn't care what othe rpeople thought of her.
• When she retired, she wanted to finally finish her college degree and join an acting troupe.
• She ended up working almost until the day she died.
• Her beauty secret was Oil of Olay and it works. She never looked her age.
• Strangers used to think we were sisters.
• I have her eyes.
• We moved a lot when I was growing up, but she always made every house a home.
• She was quick to anger (Irish temper), but she was just as quick to forgive and forget. I was rarely grounded for more than an hour or two.
• Porch wine.
• She would work crosswords while she dried her hair each morning.
• Without enhancements her hair would have been gray.
• She knew the words to almost every song ever written.
• Her homemade tapioca, warm.
• Homemade gingerbread hot out of the oven with a dollop of whipped cream.
• This past Christmas Eve I watched my Mom and Miss Bit drift off to sleep...cheek to cheek.
• Her last Thanksgiving she was up to stuff the turkey hours after she had brain surgery. She had one heck of a will.
• Every opportunity she got, she would share my brother's success with anyone who would listen. She was incredibly proud of him.
• She had an eye for decorating...her house looked like a magazine. And everything always had to be perfect. everything had its place.
• She was the ultimate planner.
• When we were on vacation, our dirty clothes would magically appear clean on our bed every day because she was aways doing laundry.
• She loved Harleys. She rode on them, but never drove one.
• She was a hard worker who possessed an incredible work ethic and could get any thing done.
• Numerous people are now responsible for the job she did singlehandedly.
• She had the best laugh, was the life of the party and was one heck of a joke teller.
• She didn't like exercise and she despised shopping.
• Yet we used to take semiannual trips to Chicago to stock up.
• She was not a fan of coupons.
• She liked Robert Redford.
• She once made it to my house moments before the police when an intruder tried to break in. Then she slept on my couch until my hubby returned home from a trip.
• She was our protector, our rock and our cheerleader.
• There will never be another like her. She truly was one of a kind. She may be gone, but she will never be forgotten. Amen.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Yesterday was my Dad's 62nd birthday and we took advantage of the beautiful weather to play the day away at a local festival. It was such fun that we ended up staying 4 hours longer than we anticipated. T. Bone entered a Guitar Hero contest, Miss Bit had a butterfly painted on her cheek, we ate hot dogs and cotton candy and drank lemonades and beer. The kids spent hours going on ride after ride. Miss Bit overcame her fear of the giant slide and became a regular customer with her very own potato sack. We missed the tractor pull, but we had great seats for the wrestling matches later in the day. Think AWA old-style pro wrestling. The best part was after "Thumper" exited the ring and was high fiving his 4 foot fans, Miss Bit ran up and started to squirt him double barrel with her squirt guns. He grabbed one and a chase around the ring ensued between the two of them. It was entertainment at its best.

We headed back to my Dad's and he made us a delicious Mexican spread. My hubby already had leftovers for breakfast!

Today is another beautiful day. I'm trying to stay focused on today and to not fast forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday and she won't be here to celebrate another year. There will be no 61.

The Power of the Words in my World This Week

Willy’s words on my way to work today -
Some say I need a driver,
A Nixon mask and gun…
But let me tell brothers and sisters,
That’s not how you get a bank job done.
You can’t walk in there brazen with an Uzi like Patty Hearst,
I’m gonna secure myself a seat on the board of directors first.
Oh that’s how you rob a bank.
http://www.willyporter.com/

Headline from Today’s Wall Street Journal -
Banker’s Face Sweeping Curbs in Pay –
Fed Plans to Limit How Lenders Can Structure Compensation for Executives, Traders, Loan Officers; 5,000 Firms Affected

Just about everyone I talked to this week…
You Sound Terrible!

The sentiment expressed on the card we gave Father T. for his 50th birthday...
LET US CELEBRATE WITH WINE AND SWEET WORDS

On last night’s season premier of The Office as spoken to hubby…
That was a good one! Don’t delete that. I’m gonna have to watch that one again.

T. Bone’s keen observation this week…
Mom, your hobby is the computer!

What I heard when I picked up the phone at least once almost every night this week…
Dead silence…no words…not even any heavy breathing.

Conversation with the CEO of my company who gave me the Badger tickets for last week’s game…
T. Bone is a great kid, and he really got into the game. Boy he really loves football! It was so much fun to sit next to him.

T. Bone’s rationalization Monday morning when I was trying to speed his plow lest I be late again for work again because he spends more time talking than eating during breakfast…
A.’s (yes they’re on a first name basis) a really nice man so I don’t think he would fire you.

Comment made by contractor after the phone rang no less than 20 times in the 90 minutes he spent at our house…
Is this Grand Central Station?

On a visit to my Facebook Farmville stead, T. Bone grew envious…
Awww Mom, look at your ugly duckling. It’s so cute! I want one!

What I hear a million times a day…
Mom. Mom. Mommmmm! Mommmmmmm!! Mommmmmmmm!!!

Proof that Miss Bit is already a diva…
Mom, I just don’t wanna wear that because it’s not too beautiful and nobody will tell me I look beautiful and I won’t feel beautiful.

Miss Bit doesn’t miss an opportunity to let others know…
You know what?! We have a t.v. in our car. Yeah, really…we do!

My admission to nail technician this week…
My guilty pleasure is Real Housewives.
After which she sized me up with studied skepticism and said…
OMG did you see the previews for this week? I think Kim got another boob job!
It was the fastest pedicure of my life.

Observation of regular gym rat…
Long time no see. Where you been?

Hubby’s question when going through our Tivo list…
You didn’t tape The Bold and the Beautiful, did you?!
(Another of my guilty pleasures.)

What I told anyone who would listen the past couple days…
I got a new bra!!!
Yes, it is that exciting!

On shirt I wore during yesterday's workout...
Just do it

On shirt T. Bone tried to wear to school for picture day today...
Keep swinging my catcher likes the breeze

On a magnet on my fridge...
Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons. It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.

On a plaque my Aunt gave me this week...
There's always a reason to dance.
(True...we always seem to find one.)

On a card I spotted while waiting in line at the book store...
Promise me that you'll give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

Flavor of the day on neon sign...
Butter Pecan
(My Mom's favorite)

Miss Bit this morning before school…
My tummy hurts. I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m hungry. I don’t control my tummy. My tummy controls my tummy.

Miss Bit at dinner the other night…
I’m eating my green beans all up before my chicken. That’s will power Mom.

Miss Bit on seeing her new playground friend at swimming lessons…
Mom, that boy looks like Silas. I think that is Silas, but I don’t know. Mom, THAT IS SILAS!!!! Mom, I really like Silas cuz he like chases me all over the playground.

Me to hubby the other day when he let the boys out to quiet the chipmunks…
Don’t let those cats near those chipmunks. You know if they get anywhere near those varmint that I’m going to think they have fleas. If I think they have fleas, I won’t sleep at night. If I don’t sleep all night, you won’t sleep all night!

T. Bone when told that his orthodontist consult for this week was cancelled…
Why can’t I go to Dr. Drake? But when can I get my braces then?
Yes, this boy is excited to become a metal mouth!

Words of Irish Wisdom framed on my buffet...
May those that love us, love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we'll know them by their limping.

Today's StoryPeople email...
Connected by something finer than words that's hard to notice because usually you're doing stuff that should've been done yesterday & you've got no time for it.

Today's Message on inspirational desk calendar...
Magnify the beauty around you, and see the good in yourself and others instead of magnifying the flaws. You will enhance your perspective as well as your spirit.

Closing on the last card my Mom gave me that is sitting on my desk right now...
Thanks for all your support, caring and comfort. Love you forever and ever. Love - Mom